The way we were

OK, so I finally sat down and watched this movie. Thanx to my lovely romantic cousin, I had the opportunity to FINALLY see this movie. Its a good movie! But you know how sometimes when you're watching a movie it like that song. "Killing me softly with his song.... tellin my whole life with his words killing me softly!" Goodness, if only my story would've ended that way. Us going our separate ways, me still secretly loving him but moved on with my life and being true to myself. Instead my man was WAY more selfish than Hubble and he just..... he's made it impossible to even look back. Last night my dream betrayed me and in it I kissed him. You have no idea how much the thought of that make me want to cry even now, and throw up a little bit in my mouth. There are just some lines you cannot cross with me and he did it. I don't know why he did it, and we don't really talk about it. We keep it cordial for the child's sake, or is it? Yesterday he came back from the South, he's now making booty calls around the country y'all. But he wanted to visit our child here, which is interesting since EEEWWWLLL! Any ways I was busying myself on the computer but he wanted to show me his poetry again and talk to me. WHY????? The world may never know, its like he's searching for something, what I'll never understand. But we cant be friends, cordial but not friends, I loved him too much once upon a time. I loved him so much that like the typical female I put his happiness ahead of mine, and I was miserable. But all I wanted was to be with him, I wanted that so badly that I couldn't see how we weren't meant to be together. You know how it feels like "when is this going to happen" especially when you have the nod from his family members. I mean his parents were trying to tell me, clue me in if you will but I was so blinded by my love for him that I couldn't understand them.
Memories like the corners of my mind! Watching that movie I could see the very idealist way I look at that man, he was my everything. NOW! It angers me to think of him in current day. I can remember so well how much I loved him and I can still smell it. But when it comes to current feelings I wish it ended with disappointment and let down. But NO he took it too far. I don't understand why, and I'm not sure I wanna know why. Now I feel sad and hurt, disappointed beyond belief. I don't feel stupid for loving him, we're all fool in love. I just wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time on him. I struggle with moving forward. I want a family of my own and a husband who belongs to me. I honestly don't believe I'll find that on this side. That PAINS me! I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, its been two and a half years since I truly and totally let go of the idea of he and I. You would think it doesn't hurt today as much as it did when I came to the realization that it wasn't gonna happen. All I know is when its obvious to you that someone doesn't have your best interest in mind and it becomes hard to remember the last time they were truly there for you.... you gotta move on and let it go. You may not want to but you have to. And the day you realize that you're not being a good friend to your self, behind being there for someone else.... the handwriting is on the wall. Whether you can understand it yourself or you need Daniel to translate, ITS OVER!

Ne-Yo - One In A Million

Absolutely one of my FAVORITES!

STOP DA MUZZAK!!!!

I used to LOVE to dance. I would know all the new dances, but my dancing was always for me. Even when the cousins would get together and throw a step together to entertain the parents, I was never in the front, and my dancing was for me. Now there was a way that I danced in public and a way I danced at home. Now-a-days it seems like there's no difference. People display their private dancing at any time for anyone to see. But when did I stop dancing and enjoying it???? Well like anything else with me when someone made it into something it was not intended to be. I was married, and my then husband was filming a routine my sister and I were performing. I guess like any normal pervert he took advantage of using my Father's Camcorder to turn our routine into something it was never intended to be. UGH! I was so disgusted, annoyed, embarrassed, and so on and so forth. I stopped dancing that day. Club dancing became the gist of my breaking it down (a classic two-step twist that changed according to the rhythm) so sad for me. A few times I asked my sister to come over and get me up to speed, but she was never interested. The music stopped playing, I can always remember what I used 2 do.... I took a dance class with 2 friends. Our instructor kept relating most of our moves to praise dancing... being someone who's never been acquainted with praise dancing it was somewhat difficult to follow. Besides when I dance I don't arrive at a move the same way others do. I have my own style I guess you could say. But what was ANNOYING and stopped me from re-enrolling once my class had run its course was the instructor. When the class began it was PACKED! But very quickly the class size dwindled to four students. I never missed a class, but everyone else missed at least one. But it was as if I didn't exist in the class. Now I have no problem with fading to the back ground. But when I'm spending my money on your class, I shouldn't feel like the ugly sister in the end. :o( Oh well, to this day Zimo and I joke about the sound the instructor made whenever she tried to describe a movement to us. Doon-da-da-Doon-da-da-Doon! LOL! Last year I took a dance class with my baby. First class it was packed, men and women, and it was SO FUN! It was a Afro-Peruvian class. I could understand the instructor's movements, but again I didn't always arrive at them the same way she did, but that wasn't knocked. I just didn't realized that in the end we had to perform in front of an audience. YIKES! But besides that it was a lot of fun. And they incorporated nutrition into the classes. NICE! I want a dance class for me, I wanna dance, but then it comes back to the issue of the finances, and the fact that I really don't have time to any how. I'm in LOVE with Ne-Yo's song "One in a Million" it makes me wanna dance, but could I even do it? Could I pull it off? I need to tape the video and then give it a real try... Maybe then the MUZZAK can play again!

Fighting reclusiveness!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! I DON'T LIKE FAKERS! Its not hard to know where you stand with me. If I don't like you, you know it. If I like you, I think you know. I'm not a run up in your face and talk to you all the time person. However, I'll chat with you, and if you know me. Then you learn I'm as silly and goofy as they come. But lately I've been battling with myself. You see, I can be mean and be fine with being that way, its a protection. However that new personality tells me not to be mean. So if I stop being mean does that mean that I've stopped feeling the way that I did to make me respond that way in the first place? I don't get over serious things so quickly. I'm really trying to get over things faster than I used to. But then I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I don't know, I'm starting to feel like why even befriend people when they try their darnedest not to show their true selves. UGH! Not wanting to be bothered these days with the fakers....

Survey Says.....

My baby liked the French Toast so much that this morning they asked me where is the Texas Toast to make more and I told them we ate the last of it yesterday. Do u know there was a dramatic scene, well not really but I was flattered to know my child really liked it and wasn't just humoring me. I'm sure they were quite simple, but with my child you cant get to creative on really sweet things. Like I told them to use the minimal amount of syrup for their toast since maple syrup gives them a headache. Something like caramelized bananas with a cream cheese filling would be too much in my house. But you know what, that's just fine with me as I don't have to have all that in my breakfast. But I'm glad my baby liked it, and it was something we could enjoy together.

French Toast and Apple Dip

OK so ALL week I've been wanting French Toast. My child turned their nose up to the idea, stating that they haven't liked French toast since they had it in Portland Oregon that time. Let me tell you that time was about seven years ago, and my child's taste buds were as mature as Elmo's at the time. Now I'm not saying that they didn't have a bad experience, but that was SO long ago. So I got them to agree to at least try it. The toast came out as delicious as I thought it would. But my child wanting to be the little chef had a idea of a breakfast idea yesterday so of course I told them to postpone their breakfast until today. Now I ask u bloggers, would it be wrong to still make my french toast and eat their breakfast? Hmmmmm, oh and then.... When I went over my cousin's house she made a Apple Dip that is delicious and is so DELICIOUS that I had to email her and ask her for the recipe. We had the Apple Dip for dessert  last night. Oh it was so good! I'm afraid of stepping on the scale this morning. I had been doing good all last week. Why is it that on the weekend it seems like I tend to undo everything that I've done? UGH! I gotta get a handle on this.

I ROCK!

OK so I just finished watching Black Girls Rock! OH MY GOODNESS! Its almost like they took the words out of my mouth. I appreciate that this was not a show of females parading around half naked and pumping and gyrating all over the stage (could that be why Beyonce wasn't there LOL! I kid! I kid! Or do I?) the dignity of this ceremony was WONDERFUL! Beverly Bond's speech...... Whew! I NEED THAT! Now maybe I've gone about this the wrong way, but I want my child to embrace all races, so my child is a Disney child for real. However, I find that my child doesn't embrace many things about our culture. But ask them about the cast of  "So Random" or "The Suite Life" they're all over it. I'm glad for once we had a chance to watch television that celebrated ME! And in celebrating ME they see that they're to be celebrated because they came from ME! Anika Noni Rose said "I rock because I'm LOVED and because I'm able to LOVE!" OK! YES! So true! And then did you see the performance??? Kelly Price, Marcia Ambrosia, JILL SCOTT, and Ledisi performing "Four Women"! I need this song. The mood I'm in tonight I could play this song on repeat all NIGHT LONG! I Rock because I understand how beautiful and AWESOME I am! I ROCK because I look for the good in others! I Rock because I AM ME!

Finally a Sense of knowing....

After all of that I said the other day I just don't know what else to say to you. But I wanna tell you something. Let's see, I have yet to fulfill on my happy project. I wanna make a cake... MONEY! Hmmmmm.... I think I'm gonna make Paula's Red Velvet again because I know how that comes out. But the only thing is I'm going back on my program, I finally decided on a goal weight.... YES! Oh! Oh!

OK so for the past few years I've been dealing with this skin issue. I finally have a name to go with it. BUT! The dermatologist wants to keep me on a medicine that I honestly don't feel is good for me to stay on. So on FB someone mentioned a soap "Dudu Oson's Black Soap". So I looked it up and it looks interesting I may have to give it a try. I asked my FB family about the soap, if anyone had personally tried it. I got a couple of bites, one said it works and one said it didn't work for them. One mentioned a place in Oakland that I looked up, and its a place called Urban Skin Solutions in Oakland. (http://urbanskin.com/) I sent the office a message. I gave them the name that of the skin disease and the medicine that the doctor put me on. To my surprise the doctor emailed me back, she asked me good questions, where the break out starts, my height and weight. So I gave that information and I asked if my weight has anything to do with my skin problem. She says partially, but that she thinks she can help me. So I've asked her about her rates, but the part that is exciting to me, maybe I'm crazy, is knowing that my weight is  a contributing factor to this malfunction. My primary care physician was and is clueless to anything about this situation. And I finally found a dermatologist who seemed to know "something" about the disease, however she was going on maternity leave when I found her, and I just haven't looped back around with her to see if she's even back in the office yet. But I'm happy to have some sense of a clue. AND the weight she suggested was ten pounds heavier than I was originally thinking I wanted to be. So we'll see what happens when I hit it, if I wanna go for the extra ten. :o)

Do u Plan 2 Parent or abort?

When the Planned Parenthood lady came in the room she hadn't even sat down or made it to her chair yet when she asked, "So your test came out positive do u plan to parent or abort"? I couldn't believe she wanted me to answer right then and there. REALLY? For REAL? REALLY? Just like that I was supposed to decide my life and the life of someone else. Although I had grown up with parents who had taught me to love and fear Jehovah, my life was spiralling out of  control. I was married to a monkey and when he did the monkey dance I had to bounce. I had successfully dodged what I now would've been a tragic affair, just to fall into a tragedy of another kind. Oh how at the moment my life seemed to go silent as if it were on pause. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I wished I couldve said I was in love and this life I was carrying was a reflection of that... I wished I couldve said he was in to me. Unfortunately the reality was more complex than that. You see I was married and having no prior experience I believed him when he told me that there was something wrong with me as to why I hadn't enjoyed our physical relationship. He hurt me, the details of that pain are just too much to even recall... But the most disappointing thing was that I saved myself for him. STINKING JERK! Any who, when our relationship came to an end I HURT and confused. I didn't understand why my body had failed me. What was wrong with me? Then this guy that I knew from years ago comes. I wanted to know what everyone was losing their minds about. I wanted to know what it really felt like. And this guy was always nice to me, and he was FINE so I ignored the home training I had and I touched him. Although it wasn't like in the movies where sirens were blaring etc. I started to understand. Instead of feeling bad about my connection, I felt validated as a woman. I was hooked, and my conscience hadn't kicked in. Never did I stop and ask what if I got pregnant from this, I was hooked on a feeling. Right about then I started developing friendships with people who had the same home training as I, and then my conscience started to kick in. Although I had developed feeling for this man, I knew they weren't returned so it didn't make me feel bad not to talk to him. The first week past and I thought, "Wow! This is easier than I thought". Half way through week two I realized aunt Flo had not come for a visit. My heart sunk, but what could I do. I remember there was a Formal Party in San Jose that Saturday. I couldn't tell anyone, no one even knew about my secret sin. I couldn't shake my sadness. Jasmine unknowing of what was wrong with me, kept making me dance with her husband in an attempt to pull me out of my funk. But all I could think about were the friendships I had FINALLY developed that I would now have to abandon and I cried internally. That Tuesday directly after work I went to Planned Parenthood and they confirmed my thought. I couldn't believe it. It was like the world stopped spinning if only for that brief moment when I uttered the most generic, "No, I'm going to keep my baby". It didn't even sound right coming out of my mouth. I tell you I still shudder at the thought of those words coming out of my mouth. I drove home in a daze, and I immediately tried to call him. Well I guess just about the time I was done with him he was done with me, because now he wasn't returning my calls. By that Thursday I had had enough. I wrote him a letter, and then late at night I drove to his house and left it on his door. In the letter I asked in the end if he wanted to be in the child's life or not. I gave him the choice, I knew our situation was not ideal, and I wasn't going to make him stick around if he didn't want to. Now I wasn't expecting elation, or joy, but maybe an equal share of the responsibility of what had been done. Then next day I received a very ANGRY phone call. :o( He said there was nothing else to discuss with me. He didn't know whether he was in or out. When I got home my cousin told me about the conversation she had had with him and how he tried to accuse me of doing this on purpose. Thank goodness she had my back and assured him that I wouldn't do that. He told her to tell me to call, but feeling beat down and exhausted I didn't call. When I got home the following evening he had called again and asked for my return call again. When I called him he told me that he had waited by the phone the night before. This time he was a lot calmer when he spoke to me. That's when he told me about his girlfriend... my heart sank, but it was too late. He told me if I needed anything to call him, but he needed time to think. So we didn't speak for weeks. Then I had my first doctor's appointment. I prayed on it and decided that I would tell him about the progress of the pregnancy and he could do with it what he pleased. He kind of sounded happy to hear from me which was confusing. Then he asked if we could meet, and we did. He had just told his girlfriend about our seed, and they had gotten into a fight and he had the busted lip to prove it. He told me he didn't want to be intimate with anyone but her, which was fine by me... but it still hurt me. Well the next appointment rolled around and his tune changed. I asked him why it changed and he explained, it wasn't a good explanation, but I desperately needed companionship so I was willing to take it in any shape that he was willing to give it to me. Those moments turned into minutes, into hours, into days, into weeks, into months, and finally into years. I wasted years of my life and self esteem stuck in the moment they told me I was pregnant, and caring about that man more than myself. I didn't want to have a child in this system of things! I deserved to have someone excited and honored that I carried them for nine months. I deserved to be told how wonderful of a mother I am to their seed! I deserve to be loved and cared for! I deserve a lot more than I got. Yes, I was a dumb kid and I handle my internal conflicts wrong... isn't that what young idiots do? But it's taken me twelve years to truly understand that I deserve more than what I got. Still dont wanna have anymore kids in this system of things, but I look forward to reproducing at a time when the delivery wont almost kill me. I mean that literally! I almost died on that table behind who didn't even know me. As the years rolled by he began to see me, but never appreciate me in the manner I deserve. I've been done with trying to convince him that I was worth loving. Meanwhile I passed up opportunities to be loved for me, because I wanted him.... So here I sit overweight and just beaten down in spirit. It took six years for me to pull away from him physically, and another three years to pull away mentally. And the past year and a half I've been trying to find the me I left behind a LONG time ago. The me that spoke assertively. The me that would never punish herself for someone else's stupidity. My child deserves to know me. My child deserves to know that they are important enough to me that I am willing to give up ice cream to be with them. If you know me you know how important ice cream is to me. I plan to Parent!

CANDY

CANDY IS THE DEVIL! OK so on this weight loss journey I've been maintaining my little plateau, not happily but it is an amazing step from where I was. Then Candy happened! I LOVE Chocolate! And now the scale is betraying me! I feel frumpy, and my stomach is starting to poke out again :o( I love chocolate, but moderation is key. I can say that I've been grieving which honestly started my indulgence into the chocolate place again. But man I have to learn how to deal with my issues differently. I cant keep doing this to myself. I gotta get stronger, I got sixty more pounds to lose... its gotta happen. And the time is now! Get pumped! Get pumped! I'm 2 legit 2 quit! LOL!

Moscato

Oh my goodness I LOVE SWEET WINE! The other day I had a Fage strawberry Greek Yogurt and Moscato wine for dessert. Oh my! Something about the creaminess of the yogurt and the acid of the wine that collided so beautifully in my mouth. I was in HEAVEN. I just drank the last swallow of my Moscato and regretted not having Greek yogurt to go with it. Yep I left a swallow in the container. (Harlem Nights!) Oh and then the other night I had my parents over for dinner and I made steamed green beans (my baby didn't like them, but that left more for me... YAY!), Baked loaded mash potatoes (don't try this at home you will gain weight LOL!), and cubed steak in a mushroom sauce. Yummy! Since we were having red meat we needed to drink red wine, but I like sweet. So I bought some Top of the Line Wine Carlos Rosi Sangria.... between the three of us we finished the bottle. Dinner was yummy and the wine sealed it. Then for dessert my child talked me into Claim Jumpers Apple Pie and Homestyle Vanilla. I'm still up six pounds from that dinner. LOL! It was delicious!
One time my aunt had me and my then husband over for dinner. She made Jambalaya (I ate around the shrimp... YUCK! But that's another post at another time.) and I cant remember what else. But the wine she served complimented the Jambalaya so well. It wasn't sweet at all and it was kind of strong, it may have even been a champagne for all I know. It was sparkling, but never until sweet have I been so smitten by wine with my meal.
The only thing about alcohol is that I need to drink tons of water before, during, and after consumption. Alcohol is a dehydrant and I any thing that dehydrates the normal person severely dehydrates me (the main reason I had to give up caffeine). I don't like the feeling of being hung over, and alcohol even in small doses has that affect on me without plenty of water. I think that was part of the thirty package. Or something that man planted in my head to slow me down on my drinking. I cant be mad either way, its way less expensive this way. Drinking can be expensive, and I'd rather spend my money on Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt.

Fantasia - I'm Doin' Me

Here's a new anthem for me... let me see if I can find my other anthems to post them as well....

I lack the commitment

OK, so on FB I have liked all these natural hair sites. Maybe I shouldn't have done so many all at once. but when you find them you should do what you gotta do to keep up with them. A few folks on FB have blogs and they document their journeys. I love looking at different one's locs. When I was growing up there were people with locs but in my opinion they didn't look good. I used to say all the time that locs reminded me of dirt. BUT THEN people around me started locking their hair, and oh my goodness how beautiful they've become to me. I love seeing the different styles achieved with them. And I have to admit I like having the temp ones myself. The last time I had them I got so many compliments, and I felt they were very becoming on me if I do say so myself. :o)

The only complaint I had was how FAST my hair grew with them in. After two weeks I needed to have them redone. I know should be happy to know that my hair was growing (or at least I think that was new growth it could've have been slippage too) having my hair look raggedy so quickly was not the business for me. I really did like having my hair like this in the morning I just got up and went. But I lack the commitment to dedicate my hair to locs. I like brushing and combing my hair. I like pulling my hair into a ponytail and looking at my waves.... I would lose that if I loc'd my hair. BUT I look at how long they could and would grow, and I wonder if I'm doing myself an injustice...  so I sit on the fence not sure of what to do with my hair. I know I will not go back to a perm, but after that.... I loved braids but I'm tired of sitting all day to put them in, and then all the time and tears it takes to get them out. I'm kind of tired of my ponytail as well though. I think its time for a weave. I don't know, I guess I need to give it a little more time. I would to put the twist back in... but I don't wanna have to have them taken down and back up in two weeks. I don't know.... I do know that I need to know more about this grape seed oil, Kinky-Curly, Karen's Body Beautiful, and Shea butter that I see different ones talk about on YouTube, FB, and blogs. Where do you get it from? How should you use it? I wanna do something different with my hair, not as permanent as locs, but maybe as striking.... Oh what to do? What to do?

Off Duty

So he's gone now... LORD! It should be illegal to be nice to your ex! Sometimes they show you why you ever felt anything for them in the first place and then other times they remind you of why they're ex. My stomach doesn't feel good. Jehovah help me, I know he's wicked today just must've been his off duty day.

Day Dreaming Again

Do you remember this dress:

I saw this movie the other day and remembered how much I LOVED this dress. When I originally saw this movie I instantly wanted to own this dress. Not on my current body frame of course but as a goal dress. So I sent this dress to my girl, and she said this dress is made for someone shaped differently than me. :o(
Now my shape will minimize as I lose weight but never enough to be light enough on top to wear this beautiful dress. :o(  So now that I'm older I totally get why this dress wouldn't be flattering on me. First of all you need hips, and I have none. Who knows if my rear end will ever reappear so then that is minus to two curves needed to pull this dress off. And then I would spill out of the top. YUCK! Dreams crushed and on the floor. Oh well. I will keep my eyes open for the ultimate dress for me. Meanwhile I can dream cant I? I can pretend that I could actually wear this dress and look as amazing if not better. Oh well. I'll just keep dreaming, meanwhile I have a friend I think this dress would be perfect for... I guess I need to find it so she can try it on. LOL!

I wanna be creative!

I really feel that there's something creative inside, but I don't know what it is. How do I get it out? I wanna take a dance class.... UGH! I cant afford it! I wanna take a cake decorating class... UGH! I cant afford it! I wanna FINALLY make my house a home.... UGH! I CANT AFFORD IT! I wanna write a book, but I fear the things I may say. I wanna be creative.... but I lack a proper outlet. Hmmmmm, writing just requires me to sit here at the computer and type.... I guess I'll never know what I'll say unless I'm giving the opportunity to say it. Head is hurting right now (caffeine withdrawals). I had a BIG OLE Sam's Club cup of Green Tea! Oh! It was good, but my body holds onto to every ounce of caffeine and punishes me for giving it up every chance it gets. Caffeine is just not good for me, and although I know it serves it's purpose it doesn't seem to like me very much. :( Oh well!

Will Hunt, Tyler Perry, Oprah

OK so for YEARS, I had been hearing about this movie Good Will Hunting. I had never seen it, then one day my child had company and I could be alone in my room to watch a movie, and although the rating of this movie is one I should avoid I watched it anyways. I didn't get to watch the whole movie and there were critical points when people seem to know I needed to pay attention and they would call me or come in my room. UGH! Yep this movie had my absolute attention. So I put it on my DVR and now whenever my child isn't around I sit down and I watch it. The language is HORRIBLE! However, past that I can relate to the story... This movie makes me think of every man/boy that has played a role no matter how major or minor in my life. I honestly feel like I pick up on the dysfunctional attributes of a person before I pick up on their heart. I guess the dysfunctional have a way of doing that. My thing is that I don't like the ones that look for ways to harm others. Like your self esteem is so low that you intentionally look for opportunities to hurt others around you. I sometimes feel that I am the queen of dysfunction, however I don't like making those around me feel bad. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean that you should make others feel bad. So watching Good Will, I can see it. The girl he loves, but he's afraid to love for fear that she's gonna hurt him. Oh BOY! Do I know how that feels. I mean I have NEVER loved a man like I loved him. I can still feel how much it hurt to love him when I actually take a moment allow myself to feel anything in regards to him. It hurt to love him, but it made me feel good to be able to give him something I know he's NEVER had. Honestly when I think about it, I'm afraid to love anyone else like that again. The end HURTs too much, to even think about trying again. There was that one little attempt earlier this summer, but another dysfunctional attempt. I could see it, but I was trying to dismiss it. Now I'm trying to purge that NASTY taste from my mouth, I should've continued to ignore him. Yea I caught him staring at me, and I became aware that he was watching me.... but I shouldve continued to ignore him. Let him step if he ever planned to, and then naturally turned myself off to the idea. LOL! Cause that one.... hmmmmmm, he hit me like my play brother. So insecure about their self that they had to have dang near perfection around them. Maybe he's not extreme about things like my brother, like he doesn't drive the most expensive car, and he doesn't live in the most expensive place. However the emphasis he puts on his lifestyle and nice surroundings.... that was a red flag. Not that we couldn't be friends, but that wasn't the way things started or were going and then abruptly the breaks.... PUMPED! I shouldve continued to ignore him, eventually we would've been friends or cordial strangers.... oh well. Now I cant even look at him, the fire that stirs in my stomach from even being drawn in. I don't take rejection well and I avoid people to avoid being rejected that's how I self protect. UGH! Then I have the nerve to feel guilty about shutting him out. Cant stand being me sometimes, I care about hurting people they care about hurting me or not.
So then we have Tyler and Oprah. You know I've been seeing it in his movies from jump. I knew exactly where Madea's Family was going when the girl referred to her step father as EVIL! And his movies since then... I could see it coming. Then he's on Oprah pouring out his heart.... makes me wonder if he's in the place where he can be good to others? Yep, he's the type of man I'm drawn to. That's not fair to me, normally men like that don't know how to be good to the person in their life. But I am the dysfunction magnet! OK and then Oprah her show has had a few episodes that have made me self examine myself. Ask myself HARD questions, and actually look for answers. I do understand that my weight loss challenge is mental. I get it, and I'm getting to the place where I feel like I'm worthy of being the person I used to see in the mirror. I miss my face. I miss seeing me, I now have a different appreciation for it.
Oh how I want to get my grown girl on now. I wanna be good to myself, dress nicely, live in a nice house, wear nice clothes.... be good to myself. My new focus is being good to myself... That's going to be really hard to be, but I'm looking forward to it. All the love and patience I showered on that man once upon a time, I'm ready and trying to figure out how to give it to myself. I don't wanna walk this planet alone, but being that I only attract and am attracted to the dysfunctional that's a recipe for disaster. I don't like drama and mess so I guess this means I'm gonna have to go it alone. Today that thought doesn't swallow me up, but I make no guarantees for tomorrow.

Rewind, Rewind, Rewind!

OK so, last night. I was flipping through my DVR and I decided to try the Shimmy belly dance lesson I recorded. Let me say that last weekend hanging with my cousin reminded me of how much I used to LOVE to dance. Then the next day I went over another cousin's house and we were talking about dance again.... I LOVE IT! So amongst other things dancing has been on my brain and last night my brain threw up. So I follow the instructions for the basic moves and you know what I realized???? I cant do it! LOL! Well here's the thing. I'm not a methodical dancers. I watch what you're doing I may even ask you to break it down very basic for me to understand what it is that you're doing. But how I arrive at that moment may be VERY different. Kind of like french braiding. People have explained to me how to do it for YEARS! But it wasn't until I sat down and watched my sister's hands and mimicked the way she moved them that I actually learned how to french braid. And still I only consider myself a novice braider. Braiding other people's hair doesn't work out so well for me. So I'm listening to the woman's voice instructing me on the dance moves and its not making sense. I'm trying to do what they're doing but it isn't working for me. BUT I worked up a nice little sweat... NICE! Then I said bump this, turn real on the real music, and I start trying to dance. MY GOODNESS I've forgotten all the moves. It's a shame for real, I was trying to figure out what to do most of the time and that's not cool. What happened to my moves? Someone stole my mojo for sure. LOL! So now I have to figure out how to tape some videos and kick it old school like my sister and I used to do back in the day. We'd tape our favorite video, turn the music up and then rewind, rewind, rewind until we got the moves down. Its time to dance again, it used to be a WONDERFUL outlet for me. Its time to reinstate that one.

No White Walls!

Here I go day dreaming about my house again. I REALLY want hardwood floors. The more I think about it the more I want them. I know it would make the house cold but I think it would be worth it. A pretty deep cherry/Mahogany/Espresso colored wood. Ooh! Yea! That's what I want. I also want to paint my walls a lavender'ish/purplish shade....  I was talking to my father about putting a boarder up on the walls. I figure if I can do that then I can go a little darker with my paint selection.... Hmmmmm! I think that's the way I want to go. I want two of these chairs in my living room:

Across from my chocolate colored couch with zebra print pillows an a Royal/Cobalt blue throw draped across it. Can you see my vision? Then I want a silver framed picture on the way behind the couch. Maybe chocolate or silver drapes or something like that on the windows. A few cobalt nicknack's here and there.

I want to reconfigure my dining room. Right now its doubling as a family room, which is fine but I want the focus of that room to be a dining room. It only took me a year to dress my table... wanna see?  :o)

The pic is kind of dark because of the lack of lighting in there. I need to fix that. But I love it. I call it my Hershey kiss table. Chocolate table cover and matching napkins. Silver chargers and blue wine glasses. :o)

Now I need a SMALL espresso stained entertainment center to set my TV on for when I switch the room around. Then I want a chocolate love seat in there. I haven't decided if I want any other chairs in there. I guess I would have to see. The guest bathroom just needs to be painted and then its ready. Its time to get my house done.... I have yet to make my house a home, and I cant stand the cream/white walls any longer. I HATE white walls. When there are SO MANY color options why choose white? I love colors and cant wait to paint again. Its Time!

The craziest dream

OK so last night I went to bed with my girl on my mind. So of course I had the craziest dream about her. Don't know what to think of it.... really trying not to think about it because it was SO weird! In my dream she called me and instantly I started telling her how much I loved her and I missed her (kind of like I would do when she would call me while she was sick), and after we had been talking for a minute, I said "but I thought you died", and she said she did, but she was momentarily resurrected. So I guess I hurried to where she was and when I saw her I gave her a huge hug, she was still very thin, like the last time I saw her.  She was her normal silly self. But there was definitely something weird about the dream. Her hubby wanted to show her his truck and so we were driving around looking for where he parked it. Now that I think about it, she got the truck for him for their anniversary so she knew what the truck looked like. She hasn't seen the car he's bought so that would've made more sense... but I don't know. Some other weird things happened, but I digress... I woke up looking around my room like what's going on... but oh well.
I called her hubby yesterday, he didn't answer so I left him a message. Oh well right. Then I talked to my mom and she told me that my sister had called him for an unrelated reason and she left him a message. He did call her back though... So how do I feel about that? Trying not to feel anything, but honestly I cant reach out to him anymore. I'm not understanding all that he's going through, but I would be lying if I said my feelings are unaffected from the feeling of being left out. So if I leave them alone at least then I wont feel like I'm reaching out and they're intentionally ignoring me. Her hubby and I were acquaintances she was my friend, I gotta remember that. :o(

Not 2day!!!

As the day winds down, I am thankful for this day away from the world. Sometimes being alone can be very healing. I made three phone calls today, to my baby, my sister, and Jasmine's hubby. Fortunately the only person I talked to was my baby. Last night was worse than this morning for sure. I started off fine and then as the day progressed I sunk low for a little bit then I started rising again in spirit.
BUT! When I was finally in an OK place I spoke to my father who informed me that my sibling felt neglected because I didn't snap out of my funk last night when they hit me with what normally would've had me elated. But the thing was that when my sib called me they knew exactly where I was mentally. So I ask WHY???? My sib was sobbing to the parental unit this morning because of my lack of enthusiasm. So if what you needed from me was the true elation why would you tell me when I'm in the depth of despair??? Isn't that setting yourself up for a non reaction? Why wouldn't you wait until a later time??? WHY???? Because it always has to be about you, and the moment its not about you, you're all pushed out of shape. WHY CANT I GO THROUGH THIS? Its always been this way my whole life. I've always been about my sibs and what they needed before what I needed. So much so that they got used to me being there, and they took me for granted. And then as soon as they're no longer my focal point they have a FIT! We've had this conversation more than once. The parental unit is pleading their case as if I'm wrong for being upset. Like I'm wrong for having my feelings and voicing what I need. This is the second time this has happened and it enrages me! COME ON! 

(thirty minutes later)
So I talked to the other parental unit who totally understood where I was coming from having gone through something similar with their own sib recently. I feel a little better thank goodness. A little less angry.... Distress mode for sure. The other parental unit says we need to talk, me and the sib... Sure, but not today! Maybe another day before the week is over but not today.

My Happy Project

I gotta switch gears or else I will never make it through this day..... I want to make Paula Dean's Sour Cream Toffee Fudge Cake. Last year I made her Red Velvet Cake... Oh my goodness. I made it and it was so good I had to make it a second time to make sure the first time was a fluke. I had never had Red Velvet cake until I made it. I then knew what all the fuss was about. Later I had a couple not so good versions of it. NEVER make this cake from a box, PROMISE? Its not hard to make at all and the box just doesn't do it justice. All of that to say that I now want to try the toffee cake recipe. It looks good just from the picture, and it sounds delicious. Once I've made it I'll take pictures, and I'm sure I'll want to make it a second time after the 1st. Meanwhile would you like the Red Velvet Cake recipe? I promise it's easy and delicious...  I love the way my house smelled while this was baking and cooling....  Wrote a song about it, wanna hear it? Here go!

Paula Deen’s Red Velvet Cake

For the Red Velvet Cake:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (recommended: White Lily)

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cocoa

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 1/2 cups canola oil

1 teaspoon vinegar

1 (1-ounce) bottle red food coloring

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup buttermilk

For the cream cheese frosting:

1/2 cup margarine

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese

1 box confectioners' sugar, sifted

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup chopped lightly toasted pecans

For the Red Velvet Cake:

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour 3 (9-inch) round layer cake pans.

Sift flour, baking soda and coco together. Beat sugar and eggs together in a large bowl.

In a separate bowl mix together oil, vinegar, food coloring, and vanilla. Add to the bowl of eggs and sugar and beat until combined.

Add the flour mixture and the buttermilk to the wet mixture by alternating the buttermilk and dry ingredients. Always start with the flour and end with the flour.

Pour batter into pans. Tap them on the table to level out the batter and release air bubbles. Bake for 25 minutes or until a cake tester inserted near the middle comes out clean but be careful not to over bake or you'll end up with a dry cake.

Let layers cool on a wire rack for about 10 minutes before turning out of pan. Cool completely before frosting.

For the cream cheese frosting:

This is the "official" cream cheese frosting recipe but we always use about 1 1/2 recipes on each cake to cover it well.

Let margarine and cream cheese soften to room temperature. Cream well. Add sugar and beat until mixed but not so much that the frosting becomes "loose". Add vanilla and nuts. Spread between layers and on top and sides of cake.

I think I'll make this one again over this winter break as well. :o) Baking and cooking make me feel good. I just need some where to put the food once I've had a taste. LOL!

2day is not a good day.... DONT ASK ABOUT TOMORROW!

This is the most different Jasmine flower I've ever seen. BEAUTIFUL and I bet it smells WONDERFUL! Tomorrow is November 3rd, and EVERY November 3rd for the past fifteen years I talk to my girl. I congratulate her on anoterh year of life. Every year she seemed surprised that I remembered and I would think to myself every time but I call EVERY year. Although we dont celebrate our date of birth we had a conversation early in our friendship. She shared how she looked forward to receiving phone calls from her grandmother, etc on her day. She said her grandmother sent her a Jasmine flower and would always remind her that she was named after a BEAUTIFUL flower. Last year when I called her she got on her hubby for not remembering. LOL! Then she sent me this email when she got home:

So now that I'm 33...some of my friends said

"Jazz you're gettin old!"  So, I said "I can still

drop it like it's HOT!"  Rayshun said "No, now

you can only drop it like it's WARM."       LOL

 

Thanks again for calling on my 33rd Anniversary.

(The kids and I call Birthdays...Anniversaries)

 

Talk to you soon!

She was always so silly and I loved that about her. My one friend who I knew I could always count on to be as big a kid as I am. Its just hard to accept that I wont hear her voice tomorrow, and that we wont laugh about something.... anything tomorrow. I know this too shall pass and that I will see her again. But for today I'm hurting tremendously without relief.

So I send you this flower for now, and look forward to when we have the time to....... when we have the time.

Emotional Break Down

I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking! I started thinking about that man trying to take my baby, and how angry that makes me. That coupled with my already raging emotions..... I've decided no meat today. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China you may ask..... absolutely nothing. HOWEVER it is the ONE thing I can control today. I bought some fresh veggies at my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's) and I'm gonna steam them in the oven. I hope they come out as good as my brain is hyping them up to be. I will be gorging on veggies tonight I will bake a chicken breast for my baby. If the meat starts calling me I'll heat up my soy chorizo and eat that. No it doesn't go with what I have going on already, but I'm not an organized eater really. I bought some chocolate this weekend knowing I should've waited until today when all the leftover candy is ridiculously marked down. But the deal is that my baby and I can only eat two pieces a day. Otherwise we would go crazy on the candy. I'm gonna try to stick to that. I'm almost seven pounds up from when I last stepped on the scale. I drank this weekend, didn't drink much water, and ate a lot of junk. Emotionally I'm a mess, but socially I think I did OK. No angry outburst so hey there's progress. Drinking water today and I feel it doing its job, just wish it will wait until I get home. ):(
My baby is going with their father Saturday, hopefully I will have most of the chores I've outlined for myself in my brain done by then. If so I will spend my Saturday baking a cake I've had my eye on for a month or so now. :o) That would make me happy for sure. Hmmmm, I'll take inventory when I go home so what things I have, what things I need. I'm hoping this will bring some happiness back into my kitchen. If I get to it I will post pics to follow.... until then....

It hurts!

I need 2 go 2 bed but right now the blues are all over my head! I need 2 sleep and I'm tired 4 sure but as I lay here Jasmine is all over my mind.

I went 2 Hayward twice this weekend, and each time I choked back sadness! Wednesday is quickly approaching and my mood and temperament keep getting shorter and shorter. I'm not really fit to be around people right now. Isolation is not good, I understand that... However the natural desire is there I just gotta keep fighting 2 push 4ward. I guess I'll try 2 surrender 2 sleep 4 a lil bit. JASMINE!

I miss u! It hurts that you're not here, and without u I have no real connection 2 ur family anymore. I'm gonna send this card 2 ur baby, as a 4get me not. But I'm not gonna bother ur hubby anymore.

Time with Family

Yesterday was one of the BEST days! I went over my Big Cousin's house! We ate, sang, danced, played cards and domino's and just had a grown up hang out time. She was my Roll Model growing up! I wanted to get good grades in school because she got good grades. I wanted a husband who cooked and cleaned because she had one. Both of her children performed well in school and now in college, so I look to her for advice with my own child. Although we were down stairs the whole time I took in her house. I lack the connections in my brain to be my true OCD self. I would love to have a home as clean as hers. I don't know what's wrong with me that I cant get that part together. But I had a good time being with my beautiful family. You know what's funny, I didn't realize how much people perceive me as a punctual person. When we went to Squaw Valley last year for the day with some friends we were supposed to meet at 5am, and everyone just knew I was going to be on time. And my friend's husband was relieved that I was running late. My Big Cousin was telling someone that she knew I would be on time. JOY! I appreciate that she sees that in me. Now I gotta get this house together. I gotta get rid of all clutter. It depresses me and I don't know what to do with it. I want to make my house a home, but I need to have space and no compacting lots of things into one space, because then I lose all sight of how to keep it clean.... ANY WHO! I had a ball! I will say more but I need to go get ready for another evening with more family. YAY!

To be Continued!

OK so I FINALLY made it through Tyler Perry's interview on Oprah. I admit the first time I turned the TV off and walked away. I wasn't in the right place to sit down and watch that interview. But yesterday I did it. I sat down and watched the whole thing and I was in the right place to watch it this time. I have felt so understood when he was talking. He said his body would betray him. I know that feeling all too well. I understand the questioning who you really are because of horrible things that happened to you and feeling like what does that mean? Having your innocence robbed from you at an early age. Where you look at everyone else was normal and like you're an outsider wishing to be on the inside. My doctor said there are numerous ways of acting out, and the most common is when people are just out there with anyone because they don't know how to feel. Or someone like who tries to fall to the background and be invisible.
But there was that natural want to stand out, I blame it on my dad's family. Its full of singers and dancers, people who just want to be center stage and admired for something. Well I'm not much of a singer although I love to sing in the shower. :o) But my gift or talent was writing. I could tell a story like nobody's business. It was one of the only things that kept me honest. And it helped me escape all that tormented my soul. This is just a quick blog today as I have to try and get out in the world today.

Rough Nite

MAN! OH ME! OH MY! Last night I got to bed within decent time, but tell me why did I wake up a little before two and didnt go back to sleep until a little after five, minutes before my alarm went off. Running on fumes today I am. My legs (mostly) and whole being sore needed every ounce of sleep I could conjure up. I couldnt get down to my blog but I'd like to share what I wrote:

Cant stop thinkin when I should b sleepin, but this isnt new. Prayin! Prayin! Prayin! Askn havent been on my A game there's ...been a lot of distractions lately still I beg u father HELP ME! I'm drownin! The blog is in-accessible at the moment so I'm left with only this venue to vent. I know u tell me to give this to you and u will handle it. For a person like me that's not easy 2 do. Still I try, but then I sometimes feel like I'm not handling the situation by "walkin away" frm it. I lack the confidence 2 know whether ur tellin me u got it or that I'm not dealing with the issue (like so many other things). I have no real sounding board other than my prayers, I'm havin a hard time decidin 4 ur voice father. When it was "GO Time" Holy Spirit pushed me n da right direction, I am thankful 4 that, No matter how traumatic all of that was/is u sent ur angel 2 guide me by the hand out of Sodom...
Now I lay here unable 2 sleep under the threat again. I cant believe what happend n front of ur servants father... just another ghetto scene 4 sure. Altho I begged u 2 allow me react, ur way has kept me frm compromising my standin. Altho I have "friends" I'm lacking that trusted soundin board 2 help me. I'm n such a state of "stress" that I lack the ability 2 do anything right anymore. My temper flares easily, and things that should b like water off a duck's back truly hurt me. Which again makes me angry. I just dont understand, but I NEVER claimed 2b the smartest or most clever. Matter of fact the only real thing u hear me boast about is mmy baby... I love ther dearly, but I'm failin even them at this moment. Its all slippin away and no matter how hard I try to tell my hands "GRAB IT!" they seem 2 just all b slippin away. Jehovah help me! Please! I beg of u! Help me!

Not a good day for sure. Zimo called me at work and it took everything in me not to cry, and its only when I cant cry that I want to. I didnt cry a lick this morning.

My inner conflict!

OK so, Here's what I was thinking about on my way home. I don't know if I really want a husband... I know I say I want one, but the one I fantasize about I doubt even exist so its like why bother. I kind of like not arguing about dumb stuff, and making my own decisions. So then I'm cool with being alone.... but like today... I think I'm in that ovulation period where all I can think about is my man's breath on my neck.... Eyes rolling in Ecstasy... but lets be real even when there was a "man" around how often did that happen? I mean there were times it was GOOD but more times than not it was OK, and then there were times like I couldve had a V8... Especially since my life has changed how in the world would I know what I was getting until I'm bound to it for eternity, not that I would walk away from a man for not being my missing puzzle piece, but that's just so much more work...... And the thought of that puts me right back at single again! Not that I feel like I'm perfect, but I am DA BOMB! (showing my age LOL!) I know that being with me is an honor and a privilege and why oh why do I end up with guys who see that but want to try to take that from me? I tell myself... what I wont do, this time.... I wont disappear! I wont buy into their attempts to belittle me and make me less of a person to try to elevate their self.

James & Nicole

OK so today I went to meet with my friend's personal trainer. His name is James and his wife Nicole was there. He had us run laps, do lunges, spirit, jumping jacks, calf raises, and leg lifts on our back.... It was great, and I didn't get winded or start wheezing like I used to right after my baby was born. I have an inhaler because anytime I would exert myself I would start wheezing. Well I ran and everything with my mouth open to let air in and out. It was GREAT! Now whether I can continue to go is really up to my finances. I really want to continue to go, but I don't know. I will be sore tomorrow but that will make me smile with each pain. Yea, I'm gonna hate, but I'm gonna love u when I see results. ;o)

What is the definition of a GOOD relationship (written 4-26-06)

I’ve asked a few males and even my dear brother replies good sex……… “Bring food, leave clothes”……. Per one of my brothers. Someone who loves you to death, if you ask one of my sisters.

But you when you really look at relationships neither of the two are good enough to base a relationship on.

What I’ve learned is that physical attraction plays a BIG part in an affectionate relationship. In a relationship there are times when your physical attraction for your mate covers the previous transgression or wrong, but is it enough?

What about when you’ve become accustomed to the physical aspect of the relationship, what keeps you there then? Why would you stay if, although attractive, your mate gets on your nerves? How long can you stomach to continue to kiss them? How long do the niceties last once the affect of the physical relations have worn off. Do men realize that as they get older their ability to perform lessens and lessens? Where as women, the older she gets the better she gets. When do men and women understand that at some point more is needed than a physical relationship?

For some they understand this right away, hence their hesitance to jump in head first into a relationship, but still if you ask them what is the key to a good relationship the FIRST thing out their mouth are the physical aspects. No wonder young society is so lost. No wonder there are females who truly believe that their worth lives in the fact that they have a husband. Not even a good husband, but a husband. No wonder a man feels like he is on top of the world because his wife is attractive, not a good wife, just attractive. This is what leads so many young ones to marriage so soon and without any realistic understanding of what they’re getting themselves into.

We are encouraged to advise our children to seek Jehovah first in everything. Your education, your employment, your mate……. But what after that? My number one gripe again, is that my generation was not properly prepared for life in this system of things at the ages we are now. There are so many things we don’t have a real grasp on. For instance when you ask my generation what is the key to a good relationship…….. Again the physical is mentioned an it is pulling teeth to get to the more important things. From my generation down the world is in trouble. There is no realistic view point on anything.

The expectation is that one should already know these things…….. I ask how? If this system was declared over before I entered elementary school do you think anyone ever thought about college for me? Did anyone teach me how to take care of a husband? How to raise my children? How to take care of myself? We are so lost. And now we must pick up the pieces in an attempt to live.

How many from my generation are not in the truth as we speak? Sadly some parents felt that their children would never mature in this system of things and only instilled in their children that if you don’t serve Jehovah you will die. Sadly death isn’t enough to hold someone’s attention long enough to reach their heart. Not someone like me anyways.

How many from my generation truly have a true blue relationship with our God and father Jehovah. How many put him first in their lives and fearlessly proclaims his name. You may be able to think of quite a few, but now I ask you to remember how many children there were in the hall in the mid-eighties……. Now I ask again, how many? Your love for Jehovah cannot be based on fear or guilt, which sadly that was the bases for some.

This is not to say that there is no hope for those who are not here now. Just like the prodigal son they can return, but when they do will you openly welcome them? Will you make them feel guilt for the time lost? Will you judge them? Sad to say most will answer no and will do the opposite.

As imperfect humans it is difficult not to do this. But make it a matter of prayer. Look to encourage not discourage. Remember that your relationship with Jehovah is based on love and please give them the space to develop that relationship as well. Remember Jehovah loves a cheerful giver.

That covers those returning to the flock but what about those who are within? What about my original statement. What is the definition of a good relationship? “MY” answer is a relationship that mirrors the relationship between Jesus and his disciples. My idea of the supreme head of my household. You see how there is nothing physical within that statement.

Physical appearance, status, means nothing in that regard. Jesus and his disciples had an open and honest relationship. Jesus corrected his disciples when they were wrong, he didn’t belittle them. Although at times they wore on his patience he still exerted it. He never had to remind anyone who was in charge.

The disciples never tried to over rule him. There was never a power struggle. They enjoyed each other’s company and they helped each other when they were down. The bible constantly reminds us that the husband is the head of the house, and the Jesus is over the congregation……. But no one refers to that relationship when they think of their own.

My generation is lost on levels that only perfection can undo. Alas I have had my say. Alas I have spoken my peace. With that I am now satisfied that least you have read this and hopefully think more about what it is that you are looking for in life. The big nickel or peace, the kind that comes from within.

Agape –

The thoughts and expressions above are the sole thoughts and ideas of Liz Betty and in no way speak for the Watchtower and Tract Society.

Do I really?????

OK so, anyone who knows me knows that I will tell them in a heart beat that YES I want to be married. And that being single is a temporary thing for me right now. But then when I talk to my married friends I can feel myself back track. Do I really want to deal with the ridiculousness that is and can be a relationship? NOT REALLY! Call me bitter, call me angry.... But I just don't know if I can honestly handle someone making ridiculous decisions for my family and attempt to make them over me. I know I can be hard to deal with, especially if I don't agree with your decision. I'm not one for making things seem like they're blissful when they're not. I did that when I was REALLY young and I NEVER want to be that fake ever again. Yes, I want a companion and someone to rely on. I want to feel loved and appreciated. But honestly even in a marriage how often do you get that. I know that being married can be good and that's what I focus on when I say I want it. But the down sides to marriage really make me back pedal. I don't have a good track record with men. Normally if its someone I'm dealing with even if its temporary lately I ask "OK so what's wrong with you"... Then can I live with that? Thanks to Holy Spirit I tend to find out rather quickly... NO I CANT! But that still hurts me. I think about this one brother and I wonder sometimes if that could be the brother Holy Spirit keeps pointing me to and I say NO before even giving him real consideration. Well I'm not writing to say that I'm going to consider him either. :o) I'm just saying that "I" don't think he measures up to what I'm thinking that I want as my spiritual head. After my LONG laundry list of things that I want and need, a huge one but it is strangely at the end of my list is that I want to feel safe... physically safe. I've yet to be in a relationship or even entertain the idea of being in a relationship where I actually felt safe. That just has NEVER happened. I don't know why that is, but you know what I'm finding that that feeling is just as important as everything else. Unfortunately the guy who you may feel that security towards normally has anger issues, and I refuse to be a punching bag for any man... and that ends the feeling of safety anyways.  Oh well, all in all is it better for me to remain single??? I don't want to accept the fact that it just might be. I feel like its a waste of me as a person to remain alone.... but its also a waste of me to end up with most of these idiots who have no idea of a MAN really is.

Emotional Saturday

OK so, I just remembered something Zimo said to me yesterday. She said I had to get married in September. LOL! Well I hope she's in cahoots with my I guess I don't care. As long as its not in January or December I don't care really. I don't know I guess I have to find a fella to really know.
This morning I woke up kind of like clock work, which I guess is a good thing, because we able to go out this morning. The thing is that I turned on the TV but at first I put it on the music channel. Then later I turned it to Fried Green Tomatoes which was on one of the movie channels. Aw! I love this movie... It made me smile inside when the husband brought his wife the BEAUTIFUL bouquet of Lillies. Then it made me emotional. All the sudden emotions were trying to burst out of me. I moaned out loud to pull my tears and emotions back inside. Then I stayed soggy on the inside. My baby was having their own emotional flashes. Yesterday their father let them down and so they've been running hot and cold. They were able to tell me how disappointed they were in their father. I tried to be even but I couldn't find a way to defend him. He told our child that he couldn't take them to and from their program yesterday because he had to work. Now my child said that whenever he has to work he is mad and he was not mad. He just simply didn't want to do it, and my child feels he's lying. I don't know anything about him taking a second job so how could I defend him? And really why do I have to. He constantly puts me down to our child always has, I'm tired of being the mediator. Tired of defending him when he trashes me... Just tired of him. I know right now he wants to pull a disappearing act and somehow use me as the excuse, but its whatever. He gets mad when the thought of me being labeled as a single parents come up because he considers himself to around and involved. So in his mind he doesn't like that someone would refer to me that way. But check it, whenever this situation becomes too much reality or whatever he calls it he disappears. Be it a couple weeks or even months at a time. Our child is old enough to know the difference now. I cant protect him anymore.
So tonight my child spends the night with a friend and I'm here alone... stewing in my thoughts watching my favorite chick flicks... "Where the heart is" and "Pride and Prejudice" Drinking my gallon of water and getting sleepy....

In-Shape

OK so Zimo and I went to the gym. YES! I needed that quick boost to get me going. We were on the treadmill and I was running my mouth the whole time. Sometimes I think Zimo is like will girl ever shut up. LOL! I was happy to be doing something good. I feel very good about what we did. I broke a little sweat which is good. NEXT TIME I want sweat POURING out of me. I wanna feel like it wont stop running. YES! LOL! Well I guess I could go home and do my Pilate's after work. And then go pick up my baby for their program. Their father said to me, "I will be handling all the parents aspects of this program" which was fine by me since he was the one who set it up. Plus I know he just wants to look good in front of the chick who granted my child the scholarship for the program. I don't care and she seems like his type, I just don't want my child suffering when their thing ends. But anyways that what he said and sure enough he's not sticking to it. He said he would pick them up and drop them off... but he's already trying to find a way outta that. I just got a very upset phone call from my child stating that their father will not be able to take them to their class nor pick them up. Some thing about they have to work..... So we asked my father to drop them off and I will be going to pick them up. Where are the men of their word? Do they even exist anymore? Any who all that to say I will have a little down time before my child gets home and I should do some Pilate's. We're supposed to hook up with a friend this evening... we'll see. But I'm excited about what we did today. I figure we hop in the car jet there. Do an intense twenty minutes of whatever. Hop in the shower, hop back in the car and be back. I'm thinking this could work....Only thing is ZImo's job is demanding and what happens when she cant get away? Maybe I should look them up online and see how expensive their membership is... their gym is NICE! and it wasn't crowded, but that couldve also been the time of day that we went. Half of the reason I don't like going to the gym is because of the ooglers and oglers. Too many people and the waiting for machines, you're waiting and you're in a gym of course you're going to people watch. I HATE being watched and so I wouldn't want to be the watcher. Oh I don't know. Its not like I can afford a gym membership on my own right now anyways. Oh well I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes.  BUT I HAD A BLAST THANX ZIMO! :o)

I ask myself

OK so I ask myself, is it selfish of me to want a man of my very own? See I grew up not feeling worthy of..... anything! I want and NEED to feel worthy of being loved by one man and no one else in our relationship. I have to come first and there can be no one second. I am not secure enough to tolerate another woman, and if I was tolerant of another woman you gotta know that there's SOMETHING unapproved going on. But I couldn't tolerate myself in that role. SO NO! NOT GONNA HAPPEN! RIDICULOUS!

A work in progress

OK, so the text for yesterday did touch my heart. And then the service meeting last night..... OK, OK, OK. This whole thing shows me how much more so I need to work on my tolerance. I'm just tired... Do you know what I mean? I'm tired of people treating me any ole kind of way and hurting me severely and not even caring because they know as a Christian I'm going to forgive them. The thought of this is making a little anger stir in my stomach. People always mistake my kindness for weakness and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of walking around with the hurtful things that people have said and done in my brain while they fail to take even a moment to think about how they're affecting me. I'M ANGRY, and unfortunately lately people have been tripping on that mine in the field. Although in my mind I don't think its unjustified anger.... still maybe at least one of them got it worse than they deserved. And even that's a BIG MAYBE!!!! MAYBE NOT!!! But because I'm choosing to be right today I'm gonna say MAYBE! But I digress.... I know I have to get this in check as I have no idea what's in store for us in the near future, and I don't want my temper to be the reason I or my loved ones miss out. I keep telling my child to work on their temper and tolerance of people when I know part of that temper and non-tolerance of others comes from me. Aw! Your children are truly a reflection of you... DAG NABIT!

Maggie Ready

I need to get Maggie ready.... what does that mean? Zimo knows. Ever since we were looking for Zimo's wedding dress I fell in love with Maggie Sottero's designs. I want a Maggie Sottero dress for my wedding. I want a silver dress, I have no idea what silhouette would look good on my frame I just know what I want. I don't want until I have the BOMB man on my arm to kill myself to get ready. I need to get Maggie ready today. If I'm Maggie ready today, then I will only need time to pay for the dress and wedding not fit into it. :o) YES! YES! I must get on my plan. If I'm Maggie ready now we can take engagement photos right away. :o) Most importantly if I get Maggie ready now...... I will be happy and healthy for me and there will be no confusion in that.

Best Mom

OK so every August 19th my child and I celebrate the anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant with them. I take that entire week off from work to spend with them and its our time together. Unfortunately outside of the year we went to Disneyland, I am normally broke as a joke when our anniversary rolls around. So we have to be creative about the things we do together. This year we planned ahead and told each that we would exchange gifts. My baby bought me the following:

 Its a Ear ring, Necklace, and bracelet set. Each piece has that heart hanging from it and it says "Best Mom"! I absolutely LOVE IT! I wear it as often as I can. The clasp on the necklace is small so I have to ask my baby for help in the morning when I put it on. My baby said, "you must really like this, you wear it all the time". I told my baby.... "OF COURSE I DO! My baby bought it for me out of the kindness of their heart why wouldn't I love it!" One time Zimo bought me a colorful butterfly necklace. I love it too. I've had it for years now, but the last time I wore it the butterfly tried to fly away. I have to fix that so that it doesn't actually fall of and get lost next time. I would be sad. But I love it when someone has thought enough of me to spend their hard earned money on me. My child's father bought me an iPod. At the time it was the top of the line one. Ask me if I still have? Ask me if I still use it? I ain't crazy just because the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean I still don't appreciate the gift. Even though he didn't spend his hard earned money on it. And he actually used the money that another female gave him to buy it for me. But I look at it this way, he didn't have to buy me anything. It was a complete surprise and I was so THANKFUL when I got it. Later I found out that I wasn't as thankful as he had hoped, but hey "YOU GET WHAT YOU GET!" LOL! I gave him a BIG HUG and thousands of kisses on the cheeks. LOL! But the buck stopped there. LOL! I made dinner later shoot what else did he think was gonna happen???? ANY WHO!!!! I'm not one of those people who gets showered with presents on a regular basis. So I normally want to keep every aspect of the gift. I don't want to tear the wrapping, I want to save it to remember the whole experience. LOL! But I appreciate it whenever someone thinks enough of me to act on it. I hate when I give someone something and you never see it or you can tell they don't appreciate it. The last vacation my baby and I went on, we brought back gifts for our family and a couple of friends. I enjoy the gifts we brought back for ourselves more than I've seen from the receipents. True they werent expensive, but does a gift have to be expensive to be appreciated? Its the thought that counts right? That's what I thought. I used to love going shopping for nothing with my father as he picked out something nice for my mother. The just because presents were always the best. I hope I marry a man who would do something like that for me. :o) I mean even the monkey would surprise me with a snicker from time to time. LOL!

I'm making progress!

I don't know if my spreadsheet is a shot in the foot half of the time. I started to track my weight, but I built to reflect a loss of four ounces a day.... which amounts to 2.8lbs a week... is that asking too much from myself to average 2.8lbs of weight loss a week? I thought that was a reasonable request, but let me tell you, some times it feels like AGONY! As of today I am 9lbs behind schedule and this is after I retweaked it when I fell too far behind last time. DECISIONS! DECISIONS! Half of me wants to start over AGAIN! And the other half says lets see if you can catch up.... HMMMMMM! Wouldn't that be nice. I don't know.

So my cousin came over on Monday.... what a ray of sunshine she is. When I showed her the pictures of our aunt's dress journey she commented that on one of the pictures you can could tell I lost weight. That meant a lot coming from her. I know as females the way we're always put up against each other its sometimes hard to be happy for each other when they're doing something we want to do. And I'm not gonna lie, my feelings were hurt when at the beginning of my journey my child pointed out to her that I had lost a little weight and it was probably only ten or less than that then and she OBVIOUSLY chose to ignore the comment or maybe she didn't see it. Yep hurt my feelings but I kept it moving. She has now begun her journey so I guess that has freed her to be able to compliment me. (Sad face!) Its whatever, I try not to let stuff like that affect me. (Another sad) That's like if my close friend is in a relationship and they decide to get married. Although I TRULY want to be married myself I'm not going to not be happy for my friend and give them all the enthusiasm they deserve for their happy day. I can go home and be sad by myself for my lonely state. But I know all women are not built like me, but its a shame that we cant all be that way.  Any who, I was happy none the less to receive props from her on this picture:

Like I said the other day when I looked at it, that was the first time I saw my weight loss myself. As you can see I have a LONG way to go. But I'm making progress, YAY ME!

This last monthly hit me kind of hard emotionally. I haven't exactly asked myself why but I indulged in everything that I wanted that week. Satisfying only when the item first hits my tongue, but it took a few days for the remorse to hit me. By then I was already up almost 5 lbs. So now I'm working to get that off and get back on track. What is the suckie part is that I was ahead of schedule for a minute there. And then eventually I started falling behind.  Talking to my aunt over email yesterday she asked me how it feels to be losing. I was explaining to her about my plateau right now. And how I'm scared to move forward. Well for one I was losing so fast that my skin was drooping and that was NASTY in my opinion. I bought a Pilate's DVD and amazingly that has helped A LOT! But I haven't pushed myself to keep going yet. Talked it out with Zimo, this week we're getting back on it. Although I had candy for breakfast yesterday today is a new day. Moving forward I'm trying.... and I cant wait to see my old face.... see my old body when I'm FRESH out the shower. I cant wait, I'm gonna HUG me SO TIGHT! I may even cry.... LOL! But I miss my friend that used to be me, and I've been through a lot I cant wait to see me.

My mobile test!

- Anyone who loves u when u need them, that's ur family!! -

CANDY BREAKFAST?????

Yes, I did it. I did the unthinkable.... I had candy for breakfast. I didn't go to Trader Joe's yesterday for fear that the checkout guy would be there waiting. So I didn't get my banana to put in the NASTY oatmeal to make it somewhat palatable. My options, eat the NASTY oatmeal anyways (gagging with each spoonful) or eat the lovely chocolate that was calling my name. I chose the road less traveled and um, it is what it is. I brought my lunch so I had that. YUMMY! French bread pizza assembled in my kitchen and baked in the toaster oven. OH MY! YUM! But then I got a little hungry and there was no fruit to snack on so I walked over to Trader Joe's alone :o( and picked up bananas. But of course I couldn't stop there (half of my financial problem) I had to get some peaches for a healthy snack, some kettle corn and fiberfuls for my baby's snack at school. I almost went down the ice cream aisle but I went over to the yogurt instead. Now my friend here at work ABSOLUTELY loves Fage's Greek yogurt with Honey.... She eats daily and each day she acts like it tastes like manna.... I tried it.... for me NOT SO MUCH! But I wanted to try the strawberry this time. OH MY WORD!!!!! Now there it is.... its strawberry preserves and they're really sweet all by their self. The yogurt is plain and not sweet at all. when you mix the two.... OH SWEET CREAMINESS! DELICIOUS! I will HAVE to go back tomorrow risking seeing the guy just for some more yogurt.

OK so the guy... nobody... I just noticed him noticing me and lately he's gotten more courage to speak.... I don't like where this is going. He seems like a nice guy but I can tell by the cornrows in his head that we are not on the same page. I don't ever want to be mean or hurtful, nor do I want to encourage his attention. We go to TJ's almost every day some weeks.... MAN! What to do? What to do? I love TJ's I can not stop going... and I will not. That's it thank you, business as usual is all. LOL! Keep it movin! Keep it movin!

DB PICS! Think Small!

OK so guess what world, one of my favorite aunts is getting married. She's more like a big sister to me than an Aunt. She's only 10 years older than me and I can clearly remember playing with her when I was young. So I tell her I call her Auntie out of technicality. But hooray she's getting married, and she's asked me to be in the wedding. The only thing is that I'm sure I cant afford it but I'm gonna do it anyways (YIKES!)....
This was our second trip to this chain. The first visit was in her neck of the woods and the experience was horrible! The more I think about it the more I get angry. No real sense of customer service or customer appreciation. But we went to the store in my neck of the woods yesterday and YES! This is how I know this chain to be. We had a wonderful experience! Auntie may have even found "The Dress" I say may because she may change her mind.
But the part that keeps running across my mind is that she posted the pics on FB of her in her dresses and the couple of dresses that I modeled for her. OMG! I could finally see my weight loss in the pictures.... People have been telling me, but honestly I still see the same face and body when I looked in the mirror. Clothes have been fitting me differently, but I haven't seen much of a difference personally. Matter of fact outside of the fact that I can tell that my nose has gone down in size I haven't really seen a difference.
I was just feeling discouraged when I saw the pics on FB! I know I should be looking at the pics to look at the bride but I cant help but stare at the pics of me. I know that's bad, but I don't see myself often enough. So this week will be hard as I want and need to get back on program but I'm lacking the finances to really do it. I will have to figure it out, but its time to get off this plateau and move forward. Think small! Think small! LOL! I gotta get back on program I got a LOT of weight to lose and this first 20 is just the tip of the iceberg... I got another 70 to go. Hopefully Biggest Loser will continue to inspire me to move forward. I've drunken a Gallon of water today and my kidneys are thanking me for the cleansing.
Here's to tomorrow! Think Small! Think Small!

A Man Child is Born

OK, so there was this insecure and abused little girl who had no compassion for anyone and only thought of herself. Although she was a little homely to look at she was REALLY messed inwardly. One day she meets this guy... Stone cold fox is w...hat they called him n those days and he liked her. She needed him and and he loved the feeling. He loved her and she loved him. Two unguided teenagers did what came natural to them, they planted a seed. And although really young they decided to have a family. But remember he's a fox and u know how females cant seem to act right when a man is FINE. So he was distracted to say the least. And this little girl she was selfish, but they said they would try to make it work. Their seed was born and imperfection was massive in this one. So massive that Grandma said give the child to me you two are too young for this. As heartbreaking as it was the two turned to each other for comfort... and a few years later another seed was planted. But see they were still them and still having their battles, she's selfish and he's good looking. Aw! A man child is born and although it was rocky at first he's healthy. Lil man wants to be a chip off da old block but he doesn't truly understand all the things he sees. The girl and the fox argue more these days, and in a desperate attempt to hold on another seed is planted. This one is called woman b'cuz she's easily deceived. But the man child and the woman look to their parents for guidance. The girl cant handle losing so she leaves. She leaves when the man child is old enough to understand she's gone. It breaks his heart that she left them, he internalizes his loss. The fox is responsible and does a good job caring for the man child and the woman except for his one down fall..... did I mention he's a fox????? The women come and go, but the man and the woman "really" only see one. A good lady, who has love for the fox. The girl comes to her senses and begs for her family, the fox goes with it b'cuz he loves the girl and they have a family. Too many insecurities and selfishness take place. Its not going to work out. The girl and the fox divorce. The girl remarries and divorces, then remarries again and divorces again. Meanwhile the Fox remarries too, but so far the lady and the fox have been a good match. The girl is still in love with the fox thru it all so she does things to ruin his life. Remember she's selfish so she doesn't care how she hurts the fox or her children she just knows she's hurting so everyone around her must hurt as well. She poisons the man child and the woman's young minds. Filling them with propaganda and things that are too advanced for their young minds. She hurts the man child who loves her dearly and only wants her to love him. She pushes him away b'cuz she says he reminds her of the fox and every other no good man in her life. The man child filled with anger and hurt turns around hurts any woman who pay him any attention. They all remind him of the girl in one way or another. He hates himself for doing what he does, but will not stop hurting. The girl chooses to love the woman because she's easily deceived. The woman believes everything she says and the girl loves that. The man child sees a lot of the girl within himself and he doesn't like it, but it doesn't stop him from being selfish, and being the chip off the old block he has the worst of both worlds. So where is this child today? Wondering around the sewers! LOL! No seriously the man child is looking for the mother he never had, and breaking hearts along the way. No matter who u are! Poor world.