Yarn Braids

Curiosity Peaked once again! Is this another way to achieve a temp loc look for me? I wonder how much it cost, how long it takes, and how long does it last? I guess I need to find someone who does them and ask. I got a BIG OLE Head, and I cant afford to pay through the nose, but I would love temp locs right now. How long would I want them you ask? To the bottom of my shoulder blade, long.... yes, but it looks like it would be fun. Hopefully then I could decide if I really wanted to get them.... I love the comb and brush too much though... but I think it would be fun even though it would only be temporary. :o)

Captain's Log - Day 1 Black Soap

OK, So I went to the beauty supply last night. I ended up choosing the Ambi version of black soap. I used it last night on my face, neck, and chest.... this morning everything was looking pretty good. I chose not to put anything on my face last night after I washed it. I figured I should let my skin breathe. Lately I've been putting Palmer's Cocoa butter on my face at night and my skin has said thank you, but I also notice that I'm starting to break out as I think the butter may be clogging my pores. My pores are HUGE and I have adult Acne like you wouldn't believe. I want to figure out how to work with my skin without it costing me a arm and a leg to maintain. So this morning I did my normal routine and washed with Cetaphil, and put the Ambi Fade cream on as my moisturizer. Let's see how my face is by this evening. My face is feeling a little oily right now, but I need to start drinking my water for the day as well. I hope this works out for me, I've battled with Acne since puberty in the fourth grade.... It seems like it got worse after my baby was born. Boy I tell you nothing is the same after you have a baby, think about it before you decide to go there. LOL! Any who, I'll let you know how its looking tomorrow... so far so good.

Inner Turmoil

I wonder how I can stay positive? I dont want to be bitter, but.... its kind of hard not to. Man's imperfection has hurt me to the point of bitterness. My own imperfections have played their ugly hand.... its like "COME ON"! I stayed stuck on stupid because of my love for someone too long. Not loving yourself first never ends up like you thought it would.
So now I'm trying to learn how to do this. I thought getting baptized was the hardest thing I ever had to do... But I was wrong, living up to that dedication is proving to be harder. I want what a lot of girls want, I want to be loved as well as truly love someone. Simple right? WRONG! You cant be truly loved if you dont love yourself first. If you dont love yourself first you wont stand up for what's right for you, and if you dont do that you wont be happy. If you're not happy, how can you expect to make someone else happy? You see what I mean? It doesnt work... In order to live up to my dedication I have to remember how much Jehovah loves me and how much he tells me I'm worth all of this every day. But my imperfection says if you love me why do you allow me to remain single. Dont you see I'm wasting away here, hurting like only you would understand. Then he tells me, that he cant give me what I'm asking him for if I wont appreciate it when he gives it to me. That seems simple to understand right??? Wrong! I got a lot of work to do. I need to work up to being the woman I want to be treated like. Oh man! I got work to do.

Poor Jackie

Poor Jackie, I guess age really is a number, and throwing down ain't nothing but a thing. I feel really sorry for you, I been there, I know what you're going through. You probably thought after all these years he's moving in and FINALLY you would be together. He always had all these other excuses for why things weren't as they should be. But he moves in and at first its OK, not what you thought but OK. But then he keeps getting distracted, and all the sudden he's pulling away. When you start to pull away he does something to pull you in. But his plans for the future don't include you. I know how it feels when he makes you believe its something you're not giving him, and he shouldn't have to explain to you what he's looking for. I know how he makes you feel like you're not good enough and then criticizes you for feeling that way. Poor Jackie, just know that you're a beautiful woman and you will keep on surviving without him. Poor Jackie, don't listen to his put downs, don't tell him how to cut you. Now he's got you picking him up from another woman's house. Financing his excursions to give away what you thought belonged to you. Poor Jackie, don't let him break you, he will be back even if he says he wont. Poor Jackie, he cares about you but not more than he cares about himself. Poor Jackie no matter what he's told you about me listen to your woman's intuition and understand what's the truth. Poor Jackie don't invest your true heart in this man, he's so hurt by women he doesn't comprehend when you love simply love him to best of your ability. He'll say your best isn't good enough, but isn't that when a person leaves? If its not good enough why is he still hanging on? Poor Jackie, just be OK and keep smiling.

The way we were

OK, so I finally sat down and watched this movie. Thanx to my lovely romantic cousin, I had the opportunity to FINALLY see this movie. Its a good movie! But you know how sometimes when you're watching a movie it like that song. "Killing me softly with his song.... tellin my whole life with his words killing me softly!" Goodness, if only my story would've ended that way. Us going our separate ways, me still secretly loving him but moved on with my life and being true to myself. Instead my man was WAY more selfish than Hubble and he just..... he's made it impossible to even look back. Last night my dream betrayed me and in it I kissed him. You have no idea how much the thought of that make me want to cry even now, and throw up a little bit in my mouth. There are just some lines you cannot cross with me and he did it. I don't know why he did it, and we don't really talk about it. We keep it cordial for the child's sake, or is it? Yesterday he came back from the South, he's now making booty calls around the country y'all. But he wanted to visit our child here, which is interesting since EEEWWWLLL! Any ways I was busying myself on the computer but he wanted to show me his poetry again and talk to me. WHY????? The world may never know, its like he's searching for something, what I'll never understand. But we cant be friends, cordial but not friends, I loved him too much once upon a time. I loved him so much that like the typical female I put his happiness ahead of mine, and I was miserable. But all I wanted was to be with him, I wanted that so badly that I couldn't see how we weren't meant to be together. You know how it feels like "when is this going to happen" especially when you have the nod from his family members. I mean his parents were trying to tell me, clue me in if you will but I was so blinded by my love for him that I couldn't understand them.
Memories like the corners of my mind! Watching that movie I could see the very idealist way I look at that man, he was my everything. NOW! It angers me to think of him in current day. I can remember so well how much I loved him and I can still smell it. But when it comes to current feelings I wish it ended with disappointment and let down. But NO he took it too far. I don't understand why, and I'm not sure I wanna know why. Now I feel sad and hurt, disappointed beyond belief. I don't feel stupid for loving him, we're all fool in love. I just wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time on him. I struggle with moving forward. I want a family of my own and a husband who belongs to me. I honestly don't believe I'll find that on this side. That PAINS me! I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, its been two and a half years since I truly and totally let go of the idea of he and I. You would think it doesn't hurt today as much as it did when I came to the realization that it wasn't gonna happen. All I know is when its obvious to you that someone doesn't have your best interest in mind and it becomes hard to remember the last time they were truly there for you.... you gotta move on and let it go. You may not want to but you have to. And the day you realize that you're not being a good friend to your self, behind being there for someone else.... the handwriting is on the wall. Whether you can understand it yourself or you need Daniel to translate, ITS OVER!

Ne-Yo - One In A Million

Absolutely one of my FAVORITES!

STOP DA MUZZAK!!!!

I used to LOVE to dance. I would know all the new dances, but my dancing was always for me. Even when the cousins would get together and throw a step together to entertain the parents, I was never in the front, and my dancing was for me. Now there was a way that I danced in public and a way I danced at home. Now-a-days it seems like there's no difference. People display their private dancing at any time for anyone to see. But when did I stop dancing and enjoying it???? Well like anything else with me when someone made it into something it was not intended to be. I was married, and my then husband was filming a routine my sister and I were performing. I guess like any normal pervert he took advantage of using my Father's Camcorder to turn our routine into something it was never intended to be. UGH! I was so disgusted, annoyed, embarrassed, and so on and so forth. I stopped dancing that day. Club dancing became the gist of my breaking it down (a classic two-step twist that changed according to the rhythm) so sad for me. A few times I asked my sister to come over and get me up to speed, but she was never interested. The music stopped playing, I can always remember what I used 2 do.... I took a dance class with 2 friends. Our instructor kept relating most of our moves to praise dancing... being someone who's never been acquainted with praise dancing it was somewhat difficult to follow. Besides when I dance I don't arrive at a move the same way others do. I have my own style I guess you could say. But what was ANNOYING and stopped me from re-enrolling once my class had run its course was the instructor. When the class began it was PACKED! But very quickly the class size dwindled to four students. I never missed a class, but everyone else missed at least one. But it was as if I didn't exist in the class. Now I have no problem with fading to the back ground. But when I'm spending my money on your class, I shouldn't feel like the ugly sister in the end. :o( Oh well, to this day Zimo and I joke about the sound the instructor made whenever she tried to describe a movement to us. Doon-da-da-Doon-da-da-Doon! LOL! Last year I took a dance class with my baby. First class it was packed, men and women, and it was SO FUN! It was a Afro-Peruvian class. I could understand the instructor's movements, but again I didn't always arrive at them the same way she did, but that wasn't knocked. I just didn't realized that in the end we had to perform in front of an audience. YIKES! But besides that it was a lot of fun. And they incorporated nutrition into the classes. NICE! I want a dance class for me, I wanna dance, but then it comes back to the issue of the finances, and the fact that I really don't have time to any how. I'm in LOVE with Ne-Yo's song "One in a Million" it makes me wanna dance, but could I even do it? Could I pull it off? I need to tape the video and then give it a real try... Maybe then the MUZZAK can play again!

Fighting reclusiveness!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! I DON'T LIKE FAKERS! Its not hard to know where you stand with me. If I don't like you, you know it. If I like you, I think you know. I'm not a run up in your face and talk to you all the time person. However, I'll chat with you, and if you know me. Then you learn I'm as silly and goofy as they come. But lately I've been battling with myself. You see, I can be mean and be fine with being that way, its a protection. However that new personality tells me not to be mean. So if I stop being mean does that mean that I've stopped feeling the way that I did to make me respond that way in the first place? I don't get over serious things so quickly. I'm really trying to get over things faster than I used to. But then I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I don't know, I'm starting to feel like why even befriend people when they try their darnedest not to show their true selves. UGH! Not wanting to be bothered these days with the fakers....

Survey Says.....

My baby liked the French Toast so much that this morning they asked me where is the Texas Toast to make more and I told them we ate the last of it yesterday. Do u know there was a dramatic scene, well not really but I was flattered to know my child really liked it and wasn't just humoring me. I'm sure they were quite simple, but with my child you cant get to creative on really sweet things. Like I told them to use the minimal amount of syrup for their toast since maple syrup gives them a headache. Something like caramelized bananas with a cream cheese filling would be too much in my house. But you know what, that's just fine with me as I don't have to have all that in my breakfast. But I'm glad my baby liked it, and it was something we could enjoy together.

French Toast and Apple Dip

OK so ALL week I've been wanting French Toast. My child turned their nose up to the idea, stating that they haven't liked French toast since they had it in Portland Oregon that time. Let me tell you that time was about seven years ago, and my child's taste buds were as mature as Elmo's at the time. Now I'm not saying that they didn't have a bad experience, but that was SO long ago. So I got them to agree to at least try it. The toast came out as delicious as I thought it would. But my child wanting to be the little chef had a idea of a breakfast idea yesterday so of course I told them to postpone their breakfast until today. Now I ask u bloggers, would it be wrong to still make my french toast and eat their breakfast? Hmmmmm, oh and then.... When I went over my cousin's house she made a Apple Dip that is delicious and is so DELICIOUS that I had to email her and ask her for the recipe. We had the Apple Dip for dessert  last night. Oh it was so good! I'm afraid of stepping on the scale this morning. I had been doing good all last week. Why is it that on the weekend it seems like I tend to undo everything that I've done? UGH! I gotta get a handle on this.

I ROCK!

OK so I just finished watching Black Girls Rock! OH MY GOODNESS! Its almost like they took the words out of my mouth. I appreciate that this was not a show of females parading around half naked and pumping and gyrating all over the stage (could that be why Beyonce wasn't there LOL! I kid! I kid! Or do I?) the dignity of this ceremony was WONDERFUL! Beverly Bond's speech...... Whew! I NEED THAT! Now maybe I've gone about this the wrong way, but I want my child to embrace all races, so my child is a Disney child for real. However, I find that my child doesn't embrace many things about our culture. But ask them about the cast of  "So Random" or "The Suite Life" they're all over it. I'm glad for once we had a chance to watch television that celebrated ME! And in celebrating ME they see that they're to be celebrated because they came from ME! Anika Noni Rose said "I rock because I'm LOVED and because I'm able to LOVE!" OK! YES! So true! And then did you see the performance??? Kelly Price, Marcia Ambrosia, JILL SCOTT, and Ledisi performing "Four Women"! I need this song. The mood I'm in tonight I could play this song on repeat all NIGHT LONG! I Rock because I understand how beautiful and AWESOME I am! I ROCK because I look for the good in others! I Rock because I AM ME!

Finally a Sense of knowing....

After all of that I said the other day I just don't know what else to say to you. But I wanna tell you something. Let's see, I have yet to fulfill on my happy project. I wanna make a cake... MONEY! Hmmmmm.... I think I'm gonna make Paula's Red Velvet again because I know how that comes out. But the only thing is I'm going back on my program, I finally decided on a goal weight.... YES! Oh! Oh!

OK so for the past few years I've been dealing with this skin issue. I finally have a name to go with it. BUT! The dermatologist wants to keep me on a medicine that I honestly don't feel is good for me to stay on. So on FB someone mentioned a soap "Dudu Oson's Black Soap". So I looked it up and it looks interesting I may have to give it a try. I asked my FB family about the soap, if anyone had personally tried it. I got a couple of bites, one said it works and one said it didn't work for them. One mentioned a place in Oakland that I looked up, and its a place called Urban Skin Solutions in Oakland. (http://urbanskin.com/) I sent the office a message. I gave them the name that of the skin disease and the medicine that the doctor put me on. To my surprise the doctor emailed me back, she asked me good questions, where the break out starts, my height and weight. So I gave that information and I asked if my weight has anything to do with my skin problem. She says partially, but that she thinks she can help me. So I've asked her about her rates, but the part that is exciting to me, maybe I'm crazy, is knowing that my weight is  a contributing factor to this malfunction. My primary care physician was and is clueless to anything about this situation. And I finally found a dermatologist who seemed to know "something" about the disease, however she was going on maternity leave when I found her, and I just haven't looped back around with her to see if she's even back in the office yet. But I'm happy to have some sense of a clue. AND the weight she suggested was ten pounds heavier than I was originally thinking I wanted to be. So we'll see what happens when I hit it, if I wanna go for the extra ten. :o)

Do u Plan 2 Parent or abort?

When the Planned Parenthood lady came in the room she hadn't even sat down or made it to her chair yet when she asked, "So your test came out positive do u plan to parent or abort"? I couldn't believe she wanted me to answer right then and there. REALLY? For REAL? REALLY? Just like that I was supposed to decide my life and the life of someone else. Although I had grown up with parents who had taught me to love and fear Jehovah, my life was spiralling out of  control. I was married to a monkey and when he did the monkey dance I had to bounce. I had successfully dodged what I now would've been a tragic affair, just to fall into a tragedy of another kind. Oh how at the moment my life seemed to go silent as if it were on pause. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I wished I couldve said I was in love and this life I was carrying was a reflection of that... I wished I couldve said he was in to me. Unfortunately the reality was more complex than that. You see I was married and having no prior experience I believed him when he told me that there was something wrong with me as to why I hadn't enjoyed our physical relationship. He hurt me, the details of that pain are just too much to even recall... But the most disappointing thing was that I saved myself for him. STINKING JERK! Any who, when our relationship came to an end I HURT and confused. I didn't understand why my body had failed me. What was wrong with me? Then this guy that I knew from years ago comes. I wanted to know what everyone was losing their minds about. I wanted to know what it really felt like. And this guy was always nice to me, and he was FINE so I ignored the home training I had and I touched him. Although it wasn't like in the movies where sirens were blaring etc. I started to understand. Instead of feeling bad about my connection, I felt validated as a woman. I was hooked, and my conscience hadn't kicked in. Never did I stop and ask what if I got pregnant from this, I was hooked on a feeling. Right about then I started developing friendships with people who had the same home training as I, and then my conscience started to kick in. Although I had developed feeling for this man, I knew they weren't returned so it didn't make me feel bad not to talk to him. The first week past and I thought, "Wow! This is easier than I thought". Half way through week two I realized aunt Flo had not come for a visit. My heart sunk, but what could I do. I remember there was a Formal Party in San Jose that Saturday. I couldn't tell anyone, no one even knew about my secret sin. I couldn't shake my sadness. Jasmine unknowing of what was wrong with me, kept making me dance with her husband in an attempt to pull me out of my funk. But all I could think about were the friendships I had FINALLY developed that I would now have to abandon and I cried internally. That Tuesday directly after work I went to Planned Parenthood and they confirmed my thought. I couldn't believe it. It was like the world stopped spinning if only for that brief moment when I uttered the most generic, "No, I'm going to keep my baby". It didn't even sound right coming out of my mouth. I tell you I still shudder at the thought of those words coming out of my mouth. I drove home in a daze, and I immediately tried to call him. Well I guess just about the time I was done with him he was done with me, because now he wasn't returning my calls. By that Thursday I had had enough. I wrote him a letter, and then late at night I drove to his house and left it on his door. In the letter I asked in the end if he wanted to be in the child's life or not. I gave him the choice, I knew our situation was not ideal, and I wasn't going to make him stick around if he didn't want to. Now I wasn't expecting elation, or joy, but maybe an equal share of the responsibility of what had been done. Then next day I received a very ANGRY phone call. :o( He said there was nothing else to discuss with me. He didn't know whether he was in or out. When I got home my cousin told me about the conversation she had had with him and how he tried to accuse me of doing this on purpose. Thank goodness she had my back and assured him that I wouldn't do that. He told her to tell me to call, but feeling beat down and exhausted I didn't call. When I got home the following evening he had called again and asked for my return call again. When I called him he told me that he had waited by the phone the night before. This time he was a lot calmer when he spoke to me. That's when he told me about his girlfriend... my heart sank, but it was too late. He told me if I needed anything to call him, but he needed time to think. So we didn't speak for weeks. Then I had my first doctor's appointment. I prayed on it and decided that I would tell him about the progress of the pregnancy and he could do with it what he pleased. He kind of sounded happy to hear from me which was confusing. Then he asked if we could meet, and we did. He had just told his girlfriend about our seed, and they had gotten into a fight and he had the busted lip to prove it. He told me he didn't want to be intimate with anyone but her, which was fine by me... but it still hurt me. Well the next appointment rolled around and his tune changed. I asked him why it changed and he explained, it wasn't a good explanation, but I desperately needed companionship so I was willing to take it in any shape that he was willing to give it to me. Those moments turned into minutes, into hours, into days, into weeks, into months, and finally into years. I wasted years of my life and self esteem stuck in the moment they told me I was pregnant, and caring about that man more than myself. I didn't want to have a child in this system of things! I deserved to have someone excited and honored that I carried them for nine months. I deserved to be told how wonderful of a mother I am to their seed! I deserve to be loved and cared for! I deserve a lot more than I got. Yes, I was a dumb kid and I handle my internal conflicts wrong... isn't that what young idiots do? But it's taken me twelve years to truly understand that I deserve more than what I got. Still dont wanna have anymore kids in this system of things, but I look forward to reproducing at a time when the delivery wont almost kill me. I mean that literally! I almost died on that table behind who didn't even know me. As the years rolled by he began to see me, but never appreciate me in the manner I deserve. I've been done with trying to convince him that I was worth loving. Meanwhile I passed up opportunities to be loved for me, because I wanted him.... So here I sit overweight and just beaten down in spirit. It took six years for me to pull away from him physically, and another three years to pull away mentally. And the past year and a half I've been trying to find the me I left behind a LONG time ago. The me that spoke assertively. The me that would never punish herself for someone else's stupidity. My child deserves to know me. My child deserves to know that they are important enough to me that I am willing to give up ice cream to be with them. If you know me you know how important ice cream is to me. I plan to Parent!

CANDY

CANDY IS THE DEVIL! OK so on this weight loss journey I've been maintaining my little plateau, not happily but it is an amazing step from where I was. Then Candy happened! I LOVE Chocolate! And now the scale is betraying me! I feel frumpy, and my stomach is starting to poke out again :o( I love chocolate, but moderation is key. I can say that I've been grieving which honestly started my indulgence into the chocolate place again. But man I have to learn how to deal with my issues differently. I cant keep doing this to myself. I gotta get stronger, I got sixty more pounds to lose... its gotta happen. And the time is now! Get pumped! Get pumped! I'm 2 legit 2 quit! LOL!

Moscato

Oh my goodness I LOVE SWEET WINE! The other day I had a Fage strawberry Greek Yogurt and Moscato wine for dessert. Oh my! Something about the creaminess of the yogurt and the acid of the wine that collided so beautifully in my mouth. I was in HEAVEN. I just drank the last swallow of my Moscato and regretted not having Greek yogurt to go with it. Yep I left a swallow in the container. (Harlem Nights!) Oh and then the other night I had my parents over for dinner and I made steamed green beans (my baby didn't like them, but that left more for me... YAY!), Baked loaded mash potatoes (don't try this at home you will gain weight LOL!), and cubed steak in a mushroom sauce. Yummy! Since we were having red meat we needed to drink red wine, but I like sweet. So I bought some Top of the Line Wine Carlos Rosi Sangria.... between the three of us we finished the bottle. Dinner was yummy and the wine sealed it. Then for dessert my child talked me into Claim Jumpers Apple Pie and Homestyle Vanilla. I'm still up six pounds from that dinner. LOL! It was delicious!
One time my aunt had me and my then husband over for dinner. She made Jambalaya (I ate around the shrimp... YUCK! But that's another post at another time.) and I cant remember what else. But the wine she served complimented the Jambalaya so well. It wasn't sweet at all and it was kind of strong, it may have even been a champagne for all I know. It was sparkling, but never until sweet have I been so smitten by wine with my meal.
The only thing about alcohol is that I need to drink tons of water before, during, and after consumption. Alcohol is a dehydrant and I any thing that dehydrates the normal person severely dehydrates me (the main reason I had to give up caffeine). I don't like the feeling of being hung over, and alcohol even in small doses has that affect on me without plenty of water. I think that was part of the thirty package. Or something that man planted in my head to slow me down on my drinking. I cant be mad either way, its way less expensive this way. Drinking can be expensive, and I'd rather spend my money on Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt.

Fantasia - I'm Doin' Me

Here's a new anthem for me... let me see if I can find my other anthems to post them as well....

I lack the commitment

OK, so on FB I have liked all these natural hair sites. Maybe I shouldn't have done so many all at once. but when you find them you should do what you gotta do to keep up with them. A few folks on FB have blogs and they document their journeys. I love looking at different one's locs. When I was growing up there were people with locs but in my opinion they didn't look good. I used to say all the time that locs reminded me of dirt. BUT THEN people around me started locking their hair, and oh my goodness how beautiful they've become to me. I love seeing the different styles achieved with them. And I have to admit I like having the temp ones myself. The last time I had them I got so many compliments, and I felt they were very becoming on me if I do say so myself. :o)

The only complaint I had was how FAST my hair grew with them in. After two weeks I needed to have them redone. I know should be happy to know that my hair was growing (or at least I think that was new growth it could've have been slippage too) having my hair look raggedy so quickly was not the business for me. I really did like having my hair like this in the morning I just got up and went. But I lack the commitment to dedicate my hair to locs. I like brushing and combing my hair. I like pulling my hair into a ponytail and looking at my waves.... I would lose that if I loc'd my hair. BUT I look at how long they could and would grow, and I wonder if I'm doing myself an injustice...  so I sit on the fence not sure of what to do with my hair. I know I will not go back to a perm, but after that.... I loved braids but I'm tired of sitting all day to put them in, and then all the time and tears it takes to get them out. I'm kind of tired of my ponytail as well though. I think its time for a weave. I don't know, I guess I need to give it a little more time. I would to put the twist back in... but I don't wanna have to have them taken down and back up in two weeks. I don't know.... I do know that I need to know more about this grape seed oil, Kinky-Curly, Karen's Body Beautiful, and Shea butter that I see different ones talk about on YouTube, FB, and blogs. Where do you get it from? How should you use it? I wanna do something different with my hair, not as permanent as locs, but maybe as striking.... Oh what to do? What to do?

Off Duty

So he's gone now... LORD! It should be illegal to be nice to your ex! Sometimes they show you why you ever felt anything for them in the first place and then other times they remind you of why they're ex. My stomach doesn't feel good. Jehovah help me, I know he's wicked today just must've been his off duty day.

Day Dreaming Again

Do you remember this dress:

I saw this movie the other day and remembered how much I LOVED this dress. When I originally saw this movie I instantly wanted to own this dress. Not on my current body frame of course but as a goal dress. So I sent this dress to my girl, and she said this dress is made for someone shaped differently than me. :o(
Now my shape will minimize as I lose weight but never enough to be light enough on top to wear this beautiful dress. :o(  So now that I'm older I totally get why this dress wouldn't be flattering on me. First of all you need hips, and I have none. Who knows if my rear end will ever reappear so then that is minus to two curves needed to pull this dress off. And then I would spill out of the top. YUCK! Dreams crushed and on the floor. Oh well. I will keep my eyes open for the ultimate dress for me. Meanwhile I can dream cant I? I can pretend that I could actually wear this dress and look as amazing if not better. Oh well. I'll just keep dreaming, meanwhile I have a friend I think this dress would be perfect for... I guess I need to find it so she can try it on. LOL!

I wanna be creative!

I really feel that there's something creative inside, but I don't know what it is. How do I get it out? I wanna take a dance class.... UGH! I cant afford it! I wanna take a cake decorating class... UGH! I cant afford it! I wanna FINALLY make my house a home.... UGH! I CANT AFFORD IT! I wanna write a book, but I fear the things I may say. I wanna be creative.... but I lack a proper outlet. Hmmmmm, writing just requires me to sit here at the computer and type.... I guess I'll never know what I'll say unless I'm giving the opportunity to say it. Head is hurting right now (caffeine withdrawals). I had a BIG OLE Sam's Club cup of Green Tea! Oh! It was good, but my body holds onto to every ounce of caffeine and punishes me for giving it up every chance it gets. Caffeine is just not good for me, and although I know it serves it's purpose it doesn't seem to like me very much. :( Oh well!

Will Hunt, Tyler Perry, Oprah

OK so for YEARS, I had been hearing about this movie Good Will Hunting. I had never seen it, then one day my child had company and I could be alone in my room to watch a movie, and although the rating of this movie is one I should avoid I watched it anyways. I didn't get to watch the whole movie and there were critical points when people seem to know I needed to pay attention and they would call me or come in my room. UGH! Yep this movie had my absolute attention. So I put it on my DVR and now whenever my child isn't around I sit down and I watch it. The language is HORRIBLE! However, past that I can relate to the story... This movie makes me think of every man/boy that has played a role no matter how major or minor in my life. I honestly feel like I pick up on the dysfunctional attributes of a person before I pick up on their heart. I guess the dysfunctional have a way of doing that. My thing is that I don't like the ones that look for ways to harm others. Like your self esteem is so low that you intentionally look for opportunities to hurt others around you. I sometimes feel that I am the queen of dysfunction, however I don't like making those around me feel bad. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean that you should make others feel bad. So watching Good Will, I can see it. The girl he loves, but he's afraid to love for fear that she's gonna hurt him. Oh BOY! Do I know how that feels. I mean I have NEVER loved a man like I loved him. I can still feel how much it hurt to love him when I actually take a moment allow myself to feel anything in regards to him. It hurt to love him, but it made me feel good to be able to give him something I know he's NEVER had. Honestly when I think about it, I'm afraid to love anyone else like that again. The end HURTs too much, to even think about trying again. There was that one little attempt earlier this summer, but another dysfunctional attempt. I could see it, but I was trying to dismiss it. Now I'm trying to purge that NASTY taste from my mouth, I should've continued to ignore him. Yea I caught him staring at me, and I became aware that he was watching me.... but I shouldve continued to ignore him. Let him step if he ever planned to, and then naturally turned myself off to the idea. LOL! Cause that one.... hmmmmmm, he hit me like my play brother. So insecure about their self that they had to have dang near perfection around them. Maybe he's not extreme about things like my brother, like he doesn't drive the most expensive car, and he doesn't live in the most expensive place. However the emphasis he puts on his lifestyle and nice surroundings.... that was a red flag. Not that we couldn't be friends, but that wasn't the way things started or were going and then abruptly the breaks.... PUMPED! I shouldve continued to ignore him, eventually we would've been friends or cordial strangers.... oh well. Now I cant even look at him, the fire that stirs in my stomach from even being drawn in. I don't take rejection well and I avoid people to avoid being rejected that's how I self protect. UGH! Then I have the nerve to feel guilty about shutting him out. Cant stand being me sometimes, I care about hurting people they care about hurting me or not.
So then we have Tyler and Oprah. You know I've been seeing it in his movies from jump. I knew exactly where Madea's Family was going when the girl referred to her step father as EVIL! And his movies since then... I could see it coming. Then he's on Oprah pouring out his heart.... makes me wonder if he's in the place where he can be good to others? Yep, he's the type of man I'm drawn to. That's not fair to me, normally men like that don't know how to be good to the person in their life. But I am the dysfunction magnet! OK and then Oprah her show has had a few episodes that have made me self examine myself. Ask myself HARD questions, and actually look for answers. I do understand that my weight loss challenge is mental. I get it, and I'm getting to the place where I feel like I'm worthy of being the person I used to see in the mirror. I miss my face. I miss seeing me, I now have a different appreciation for it.
Oh how I want to get my grown girl on now. I wanna be good to myself, dress nicely, live in a nice house, wear nice clothes.... be good to myself. My new focus is being good to myself... That's going to be really hard to be, but I'm looking forward to it. All the love and patience I showered on that man once upon a time, I'm ready and trying to figure out how to give it to myself. I don't wanna walk this planet alone, but being that I only attract and am attracted to the dysfunctional that's a recipe for disaster. I don't like drama and mess so I guess this means I'm gonna have to go it alone. Today that thought doesn't swallow me up, but I make no guarantees for tomorrow.

Rewind, Rewind, Rewind!

OK so, last night. I was flipping through my DVR and I decided to try the Shimmy belly dance lesson I recorded. Let me say that last weekend hanging with my cousin reminded me of how much I used to LOVE to dance. Then the next day I went over another cousin's house and we were talking about dance again.... I LOVE IT! So amongst other things dancing has been on my brain and last night my brain threw up. So I follow the instructions for the basic moves and you know what I realized???? I cant do it! LOL! Well here's the thing. I'm not a methodical dancers. I watch what you're doing I may even ask you to break it down very basic for me to understand what it is that you're doing. But how I arrive at that moment may be VERY different. Kind of like french braiding. People have explained to me how to do it for YEARS! But it wasn't until I sat down and watched my sister's hands and mimicked the way she moved them that I actually learned how to french braid. And still I only consider myself a novice braider. Braiding other people's hair doesn't work out so well for me. So I'm listening to the woman's voice instructing me on the dance moves and its not making sense. I'm trying to do what they're doing but it isn't working for me. BUT I worked up a nice little sweat... NICE! Then I said bump this, turn real on the real music, and I start trying to dance. MY GOODNESS I've forgotten all the moves. It's a shame for real, I was trying to figure out what to do most of the time and that's not cool. What happened to my moves? Someone stole my mojo for sure. LOL! So now I have to figure out how to tape some videos and kick it old school like my sister and I used to do back in the day. We'd tape our favorite video, turn the music up and then rewind, rewind, rewind until we got the moves down. Its time to dance again, it used to be a WONDERFUL outlet for me. Its time to reinstate that one.

No White Walls!

Here I go day dreaming about my house again. I REALLY want hardwood floors. The more I think about it the more I want them. I know it would make the house cold but I think it would be worth it. A pretty deep cherry/Mahogany/Espresso colored wood. Ooh! Yea! That's what I want. I also want to paint my walls a lavender'ish/purplish shade....  I was talking to my father about putting a boarder up on the walls. I figure if I can do that then I can go a little darker with my paint selection.... Hmmmmm! I think that's the way I want to go. I want two of these chairs in my living room:

Across from my chocolate colored couch with zebra print pillows an a Royal/Cobalt blue throw draped across it. Can you see my vision? Then I want a silver framed picture on the way behind the couch. Maybe chocolate or silver drapes or something like that on the windows. A few cobalt nicknack's here and there.

I want to reconfigure my dining room. Right now its doubling as a family room, which is fine but I want the focus of that room to be a dining room. It only took me a year to dress my table... wanna see?  :o)

The pic is kind of dark because of the lack of lighting in there. I need to fix that. But I love it. I call it my Hershey kiss table. Chocolate table cover and matching napkins. Silver chargers and blue wine glasses. :o)

Now I need a SMALL espresso stained entertainment center to set my TV on for when I switch the room around. Then I want a chocolate love seat in there. I haven't decided if I want any other chairs in there. I guess I would have to see. The guest bathroom just needs to be painted and then its ready. Its time to get my house done.... I have yet to make my house a home, and I cant stand the cream/white walls any longer. I HATE white walls. When there are SO MANY color options why choose white? I love colors and cant wait to paint again. Its Time!

The craziest dream

OK so last night I went to bed with my girl on my mind. So of course I had the craziest dream about her. Don't know what to think of it.... really trying not to think about it because it was SO weird! In my dream she called me and instantly I started telling her how much I loved her and I missed her (kind of like I would do when she would call me while she was sick), and after we had been talking for a minute, I said "but I thought you died", and she said she did, but she was momentarily resurrected. So I guess I hurried to where she was and when I saw her I gave her a huge hug, she was still very thin, like the last time I saw her.  She was her normal silly self. But there was definitely something weird about the dream. Her hubby wanted to show her his truck and so we were driving around looking for where he parked it. Now that I think about it, she got the truck for him for their anniversary so she knew what the truck looked like. She hasn't seen the car he's bought so that would've made more sense... but I don't know. Some other weird things happened, but I digress... I woke up looking around my room like what's going on... but oh well.
I called her hubby yesterday, he didn't answer so I left him a message. Oh well right. Then I talked to my mom and she told me that my sister had called him for an unrelated reason and she left him a message. He did call her back though... So how do I feel about that? Trying not to feel anything, but honestly I cant reach out to him anymore. I'm not understanding all that he's going through, but I would be lying if I said my feelings are unaffected from the feeling of being left out. So if I leave them alone at least then I wont feel like I'm reaching out and they're intentionally ignoring me. Her hubby and I were acquaintances she was my friend, I gotta remember that. :o(

Not 2day!!!

As the day winds down, I am thankful for this day away from the world. Sometimes being alone can be very healing. I made three phone calls today, to my baby, my sister, and Jasmine's hubby. Fortunately the only person I talked to was my baby. Last night was worse than this morning for sure. I started off fine and then as the day progressed I sunk low for a little bit then I started rising again in spirit.
BUT! When I was finally in an OK place I spoke to my father who informed me that my sibling felt neglected because I didn't snap out of my funk last night when they hit me with what normally would've had me elated. But the thing was that when my sib called me they knew exactly where I was mentally. So I ask WHY???? My sib was sobbing to the parental unit this morning because of my lack of enthusiasm. So if what you needed from me was the true elation why would you tell me when I'm in the depth of despair??? Isn't that setting yourself up for a non reaction? Why wouldn't you wait until a later time??? WHY???? Because it always has to be about you, and the moment its not about you, you're all pushed out of shape. WHY CANT I GO THROUGH THIS? Its always been this way my whole life. I've always been about my sibs and what they needed before what I needed. So much so that they got used to me being there, and they took me for granted. And then as soon as they're no longer my focal point they have a FIT! We've had this conversation more than once. The parental unit is pleading their case as if I'm wrong for being upset. Like I'm wrong for having my feelings and voicing what I need. This is the second time this has happened and it enrages me! COME ON! 

(thirty minutes later)
So I talked to the other parental unit who totally understood where I was coming from having gone through something similar with their own sib recently. I feel a little better thank goodness. A little less angry.... Distress mode for sure. The other parental unit says we need to talk, me and the sib... Sure, but not today! Maybe another day before the week is over but not today.

My Happy Project

I gotta switch gears or else I will never make it through this day..... I want to make Paula Dean's Sour Cream Toffee Fudge Cake. Last year I made her Red Velvet Cake... Oh my goodness. I made it and it was so good I had to make it a second time to make sure the first time was a fluke. I had never had Red Velvet cake until I made it. I then knew what all the fuss was about. Later I had a couple not so good versions of it. NEVER make this cake from a box, PROMISE? Its not hard to make at all and the box just doesn't do it justice. All of that to say that I now want to try the toffee cake recipe. It looks good just from the picture, and it sounds delicious. Once I've made it I'll take pictures, and I'm sure I'll want to make it a second time after the 1st. Meanwhile would you like the Red Velvet Cake recipe? I promise it's easy and delicious...  I love the way my house smelled while this was baking and cooling....  Wrote a song about it, wanna hear it? Here go!

Paula Deen’s Red Velvet Cake

For the Red Velvet Cake:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (recommended: White Lily)

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cocoa

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 1/2 cups canola oil

1 teaspoon vinegar

1 (1-ounce) bottle red food coloring

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup buttermilk

For the cream cheese frosting:

1/2 cup margarine

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese

1 box confectioners' sugar, sifted

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup chopped lightly toasted pecans

For the Red Velvet Cake:

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour 3 (9-inch) round layer cake pans.

Sift flour, baking soda and coco together. Beat sugar and eggs together in a large bowl.

In a separate bowl mix together oil, vinegar, food coloring, and vanilla. Add to the bowl of eggs and sugar and beat until combined.

Add the flour mixture and the buttermilk to the wet mixture by alternating the buttermilk and dry ingredients. Always start with the flour and end with the flour.

Pour batter into pans. Tap them on the table to level out the batter and release air bubbles. Bake for 25 minutes or until a cake tester inserted near the middle comes out clean but be careful not to over bake or you'll end up with a dry cake.

Let layers cool on a wire rack for about 10 minutes before turning out of pan. Cool completely before frosting.

For the cream cheese frosting:

This is the "official" cream cheese frosting recipe but we always use about 1 1/2 recipes on each cake to cover it well.

Let margarine and cream cheese soften to room temperature. Cream well. Add sugar and beat until mixed but not so much that the frosting becomes "loose". Add vanilla and nuts. Spread between layers and on top and sides of cake.

I think I'll make this one again over this winter break as well. :o) Baking and cooking make me feel good. I just need some where to put the food once I've had a taste. LOL!

2day is not a good day.... DONT ASK ABOUT TOMORROW!

This is the most different Jasmine flower I've ever seen. BEAUTIFUL and I bet it smells WONDERFUL! Tomorrow is November 3rd, and EVERY November 3rd for the past fifteen years I talk to my girl. I congratulate her on anoterh year of life. Every year she seemed surprised that I remembered and I would think to myself every time but I call EVERY year. Although we dont celebrate our date of birth we had a conversation early in our friendship. She shared how she looked forward to receiving phone calls from her grandmother, etc on her day. She said her grandmother sent her a Jasmine flower and would always remind her that she was named after a BEAUTIFUL flower. Last year when I called her she got on her hubby for not remembering. LOL! Then she sent me this email when she got home:

So now that I'm 33...some of my friends said

"Jazz you're gettin old!"  So, I said "I can still

drop it like it's HOT!"  Rayshun said "No, now

you can only drop it like it's WARM."       LOL

 

Thanks again for calling on my 33rd Anniversary.

(The kids and I call Birthdays...Anniversaries)

 

Talk to you soon!

She was always so silly and I loved that about her. My one friend who I knew I could always count on to be as big a kid as I am. Its just hard to accept that I wont hear her voice tomorrow, and that we wont laugh about something.... anything tomorrow. I know this too shall pass and that I will see her again. But for today I'm hurting tremendously without relief.

So I send you this flower for now, and look forward to when we have the time to....... when we have the time.

Emotional Break Down

I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking! I started thinking about that man trying to take my baby, and how angry that makes me. That coupled with my already raging emotions..... I've decided no meat today. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China you may ask..... absolutely nothing. HOWEVER it is the ONE thing I can control today. I bought some fresh veggies at my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's) and I'm gonna steam them in the oven. I hope they come out as good as my brain is hyping them up to be. I will be gorging on veggies tonight I will bake a chicken breast for my baby. If the meat starts calling me I'll heat up my soy chorizo and eat that. No it doesn't go with what I have going on already, but I'm not an organized eater really. I bought some chocolate this weekend knowing I should've waited until today when all the leftover candy is ridiculously marked down. But the deal is that my baby and I can only eat two pieces a day. Otherwise we would go crazy on the candy. I'm gonna try to stick to that. I'm almost seven pounds up from when I last stepped on the scale. I drank this weekend, didn't drink much water, and ate a lot of junk. Emotionally I'm a mess, but socially I think I did OK. No angry outburst so hey there's progress. Drinking water today and I feel it doing its job, just wish it will wait until I get home. ):(
My baby is going with their father Saturday, hopefully I will have most of the chores I've outlined for myself in my brain done by then. If so I will spend my Saturday baking a cake I've had my eye on for a month or so now. :o) That would make me happy for sure. Hmmmm, I'll take inventory when I go home so what things I have, what things I need. I'm hoping this will bring some happiness back into my kitchen. If I get to it I will post pics to follow.... until then....

It hurts!

I need 2 go 2 bed but right now the blues are all over my head! I need 2 sleep and I'm tired 4 sure but as I lay here Jasmine is all over my mind.

I went 2 Hayward twice this weekend, and each time I choked back sadness! Wednesday is quickly approaching and my mood and temperament keep getting shorter and shorter. I'm not really fit to be around people right now. Isolation is not good, I understand that... However the natural desire is there I just gotta keep fighting 2 push 4ward. I guess I'll try 2 surrender 2 sleep 4 a lil bit. JASMINE!

I miss u! It hurts that you're not here, and without u I have no real connection 2 ur family anymore. I'm gonna send this card 2 ur baby, as a 4get me not. But I'm not gonna bother ur hubby anymore.