Happy!!!!

I just had to share. So I'm sitting over here, blaming myself for all that's wrong with the world, and Betty #1 sends me this picture, and it INSTANTLY made me HAPPY!

Could it be my favorite color in a FABULOUS shoe?!?!?!? LOOOOOOOK at that heel! Oh my goodness I need these shoes just to walk around the house and make myself happy.  Too bad I cant afford them, these shoes are not under the Payless Pricing Guidelines.... so I will just look and admire. I'll try to think of an outfit to build around these shoes.
You know what I'm not good with, color splashes. You know how someone will wear a couple of monotone colors together and then BAM! A color like my WONDERFUL blue makes them pop. Well done and its wonderful, but I think I would get carried and then well here comes RAINBOW BRIGHT! But couldn't I pair these shoes with like a simple grey dress? Or would tan/beige be a better fit? I don't know... Would it be over kill is I had a jacket that matched these shoes and then the grey or tan sheath dress under neath? Could I then still wear a silver purse? Too much? SEE! Do you see why I would need help to first understand how it should flow and then maybe I could figure out how to put it together.

So Sad

I feel like a failure right now. I don't have anything to smile about and my child... well they're acting like a person I don't know. What happened to my well behaved over achieving baby? I don't know who this adolescent hormonal person is before me. Breaking my heart it is, normally my child isn't any further than a conversation away from getting back on track. Well here comes the drama right, here comes the sadness and pain. I just don't have it in me to fight right now. ESPECIALLY my child! Crying so many tears right now.

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

I need to have this in my mouth! I will be making this soon. I will let you know how it comes out. EXCITED!

Struggling with myself

So and impromptu meeting/argument with my child's father has been plaguing my brain all weekend. Sometimes I hate that when he and I argue I actually listen as well as vent. If only I could master the art of telling him off and not hearing a word he says. Well I wasn't raised that way, and that's the not the person I want to be, but with him sometimes it just seems like that's the way it should be. As the parents there's supposed to be unified front right? If we discuss something about our child and agree on a go forward strategy, I don't know why that breaks down into something that we have to argue about, and it always happens the same... it always goes into who-shot-john yesterday things that neither one of us can change now. Well.... he went backwards and I stopped talking and then I heard him say it.... "I've never felt like I was needed" WHY OH WHY did that hit me in the chest???? I mean I think I had a snap reply to that, but I don't think that I did now that I'm thinking about it. :o(  But I did everything in my power not to focus on his words Saturday I had too much to do. But Sunday during service there it was in my brain. So after a very heart felt conversation with my baby, we had lunch with their father. At first we discussed the issue at hand. But then we moved on to building up to my point. So at the end of our lunch, I apologized (in a way) for not really showing or even really saying how much I appreciate, value, and need his help in raising our child. I mean everyone needs confirmation from time to time. Not that he just comes out and say Thank you Liz for all that you do and have done for our child even when I was acting up. Naw, he's alluded to it before. But never a thank you for having my child, and putting up with me, etc.... But I think I would PASS OUT if he ever said something like that. Nope everything is always my fault. I cant ever really be right for anything because its me. Rather than dwell on all the things he does or doesn't do, I decided to give him this one. It was the least I could do. But my hopes are that once he understands that his child's needs him, and that I need him for the sake of our child their relationship will improve. AND I REALLY HOPE that this doesn't turn into something misunderstood about my interest in him. Once upon a time I thought I would die without him in my life. Not an over statement, I really did. I couldn't see past how much I loved him and wanted him in my life. Well as we now know I got over that, and regardless of what he says I know that the person that I was so in love with, the person I couldnt live without NEVER really existed. I saw what I wanted to see, I heard what I wanted to hear. Now that I can see clearly... that guy got lost at sea never to be recovered. What funny is like yesterday I'll see traces of that guy in the man that fathered my child, but all I have to do is WAIT FOR IT! And the real him comes blasting through! Making me put my fighting armor on and get ready for battle.  :o( Oh well for now this is my life. Moving on right... RIGHT!

Pretty Personal

OK so I was getting pretty personal on here for a minute. GOTTA STOP doing that! One day someone may discover my little venting blog, and EMBARRASSED I would be.... Gotta go through this thing and rewrite everything that could be a threat... well not everything but A LOT OF IT! LOL! That's it for now.

What 2 wear?????

As if this outfit was made for me, why cant I have money when I need it:

Oh well they didn't have the jacket in my size any ways... DAG NABIT!

I have a wedding to go to next month and I wanna wear something REALLY nice. I want to dress up for the occasion and look really nice. One pit fall is that I've gained almost all of my 20lbs+ that I lost back. So the things in my closet don't even fit right. (SAD FACE!) But I have a month, and that is enough time to make something look nice. If only my white dress were black I would wear that again. Its not right to wear white to a wedding. I had to remind myself of this as I was going to wear it originally until it hit. NO! I have a dress in my closet that I haven't worn yet. It was going to be the dress I wore to a wedding that was supposed to happen in April. But it was called off, and thank goodness cause I don't think I would've been able to wear then any ways. But knowing there's no way to lose my 20+ in a month I don't think I'll be able to wear that dress. So.... I'm looking for inspiration.... what to wear? What to wear? I don't know, but I'm looking.

Wedding choices:

I'll keep looking. I really like the first dress, but.... See how low it is in the front... That wouldn't work with the girls...Sometimes I wonder why women feel the need for implants. They get in the way and in my opinion ruin what could be a nice look sometimes. I know they're not all bad... but a lot of the times...

Unreasonable Thoughts

Have you ever had unreasonable thoughts? I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but for whatever imperfect reason I cant help it. Sometimes I feel like my child's father pats himself on the back for being the last person that I've truly cared for. I want someone in that space so bad, sometimes I try to force square pegs into round holes.... I just don't want him to be the last, you know what I mean? I know its stupid and childish to think this way, but I cant help it. I don't want him patting himself on the back about anything when it comes to me. But since he knows how I am, he knows he was the last person to be in that place and I guess he equates that to still having feelings for him other than nausea and intolerance. Days like today I wish there was someone else, but the truth is.... I'm nothing like him, so of course that spot is still open. Oh well, here I go....

Can U say CUTE!

Jackets

Dresses


I'm normally not a fan of the one shoulder look but I like this one and its not because of the guy in the picture:

No love lost!

OK so, you know how I whining about something that I just shouldn't be concerning myself with? Well the other day it washed over me like and epiphany! I cannot force a square peg into a round hole. I was praying and my heart was open, and it was as if I could literally hear my Father's voice saying, "young one I told you he isn't the man for you when you asked me a year ago. Why are we still discussing him?" I know, I know, but sometimes my heart gets desperate. But I wasn't desperate before him, why would that change now? I'm letting it go. Too many signs that have shown their selves to me, all I need to do is pay attention. I'm literally putting him in the Friend box (who can have too many friends) and leaving it at that. If he starts flirting again I will remind myself that he knows no better and to ignore it. He is not the one for me.

Now that I've gotten that distraction out of the way. Its time to refocus my energy back on myself. Tired of talking about what I'm gonna do, its time to make things happen. So lets just say that my theme music is playing in the back of my mind again and its time to live it. "So I like what I see when I'm looking at me and walking past the mirror!" Gotta get to that place.

I am appreciating my reflection more and more these days. When I wake up in the morning I am thankful I don't need tons and tons of makeup to look like myself. I know that I have a pretty good foundation and its just time to build on that. I don't even know what my style is anymore. I don't think I've had a style since I was a teenager. Its time to change that. I need to start looking for what I feel defines me. Ooh! I do know that I love short jackets and high waisted skirts and pants. Think Prince in the early 90's (which was kind of like a 50's style revisited). I can do without the ruffle blouses, but I loved the pants. Double breasted and high waisted. As I think about it, I love Overalls and Jumpers! So comfortable and Classic if done right. I love corsets, and fishnets! Denim is one of my FAVs and I love sleek looks. Hmmmmm, I don't know how that translates into a style for me. But at least I'm coming up with likes in my mind. If you don't know about Made U Look on here... you need to check it out. I LOVE her style and how she puts things together. I think I will study at her feet for a few years and until I master the creation of an ensemble on a budget on my own. I love the fact that she proudly will tell you she thrifted something and made it FANTASTIC! That's what I need in my life. FABULOUSNESS on a budget. Cant worry the nonexistent men in this town. Once I have myself together, I know my Father will provide "The One" for me. I know it.

I think about the All White party I went to a few months back. I put that whole outfit together. I was so proud of myself when it all came together. I felt BEAUTIFUL that nite and proud of what I put together. Altho my sister and little cousin picked out the hair, I told them what I wanted and then they told me which way to go.

I was very pleased with myself this evening, I wasnt the FAT girl, I was just me. AND!!!!!!! I'm wearing WHITE!!!!! Hello! White is not a flattering color at all, but the look came together nicely, and I have no complaints.
I wanna feel like that every day, even on my "bummy" days I wanna feel comfortable as myself. Well here's to working on me. SMILES! I believe I'm worth the effort.

For Real?????

So last night and this morning I found myself doing something I rarely ever do. I was thinking about The Monkey. And it wasn't in a "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" Well I take that back, I don't have any love for him so it wasn't in like I was happy to think about him. But I guess what it was, was this... I'm trying to grow up and part of that means being honest with yourself about something. First time I was honest was when I said out loud, that my anger normally stems from my pain. And I guess when I was explaining to my sister yesterday that I'm not really MAD about my friend's husband for remarrying (marriage to happen shortly), its just "I'm" not ready for him to move on. His choice to do so hurts me so I react ANGRILY! But I'm not mad at him, I just cant handle it, so I still refuse to deal with it. But at least I can say I'm not MAD at him.

But then I thought about The Monkey... That relationship was so traumatic that how many years later it still hurts like it was a few minutes ago. Yes, I loved him, and to be honest I know he loved me, he just didn't know how. He was so selfish and young there's no way that was gonna work out. Not that his age is what I mean by young I mean the immaturity exercised in our relationship. So many things happened so rapidly in that relationship that sometimes I forget about certain things until they come up, and then I'm like OH YEA, I went through that too. I'm never glad that I went through that whole ordeal. I didn't get married to get divorced and that bothers me more than most things in that relationship, but I am happy that I can relate to people on a level that others try to hide or pretend doesn't exist in theirs.

He's the reason I don't divulge my past experiences easily. He would ask me about my past (now when I look back I can truly see how insecure and retarded the whole thing was) and then he'd react as if this were something that happened while we were together. Nope don't have to live that nightmare twice. But my child's father suffers from a milder version of the same issue. Although I was reluctant to discuss my past, the things I did tell him, I would hear about them later. So how does that affect me today, even tighter lipped than before. I just don't see any good resulting from Harboring on the past. The things you need to know I'll tell but don't look for me to be just open about it. NOPE! But there were good times, they were rare and far in between. But every once in a while I'll remember something that was good and go "oh yea" I must've hung in there for something.

So I was thinking about him in the sense that hmmmmmm it would be a lie to say I'm not angry about the things that happened or how things ended up. But I am more HURT than anything about the way things happened. Hurt that I actually expected him to love me like he promised. I'm hurt that he never tried to make things right, I feel robbed of so many things. Not that he cares, cared, or even understood all the things he robbed me of. Instead of giving me a bag he gave me a whole dump truck full of issues.

I'm sitting here to trying to hide as I type this. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to be beautiful, meticulous, and excellent. Someone like him, someone like them are the only ones who seem to notice. Or who seem to notice when I am free to do anything about it. I think I'm at capacity for bad relationships, I dont want another one like I've had. But I do want a relationship.... Doesnt make sense huh.

I cant get the next thought out. I keep typing and deleting. I guess I should just accept progress as progress and not for all the answers to present theirselves today. But I am beautiful, and I'm tired of trying to make myself as unappealing as possible. I actually enjoy being beautiful, if there was a way to do it without incurring any more monsters I think I would JUMP on it. I gotta lot to figure out. SIGH! I'm crying on the inside right now. So MANY tears!

Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

I love this dress! I wish I could have it in silver one day! I know you're not supposed to pick out the dress before you have the guy, but I have no choice! I LOVE this dress! Cant I just buy it and then find the guy?????
Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

Cant stop eating!!!!

I know I'm supposed to do an emotional check like every hour (because I'm so dramatic internally) but I don't want to. But what I have noticed is that I actually feel hungry these days. It may sound weird but I don't experience "hunger" too often. Most times I eat because I know I should, or something looks good. Not because I'm actually hungry. And even when I have a little hunger situations normally its satisfied by minimal intakes of food. Most times everyone else is hungry before I am. WHY oh WHY am I HUNGRY???? What am I hungry for???? Well I know what I'm hungry for, but eating ain't gonna get it for me. I gotta get back on track, everything is out of control right now. I have almost everything I need to redo my room. My bed in the bag, my bathroom towels, I just to get some more pillows, and the curtains can come eventually. But no, I don't wanna put my things together until my room is clean. Why wont I clean it????? If you could answer that for me I think I just might KISS YOU! I don't know what my brain is going through right now. I wish I could just shape up and fly right, but I'm all over the place. I feel wounded and I don't know exactly why. UGH! A day in the life of EMOTIONAL Lizzy for sure! Every day is unstable it seems. I got things I need to be cute for next month and the beginning of November. What I do today affects my tomorrow. UGH! One day at a time? For most, but for me its one moment at a time... I gotta live moment to moment these days. :o(