Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is why Dad's are important

No matter what a Male's approach to things will be different than a woman's. I normally tend to see something and then the female in me talks me down and tells myself its not what I thought. Until in the end I end up telling myself I should've listened to myself in the first place. I feel every child needs their father whether they choose to appreciate their parent or not is up to the child. But given the chance and opportunity most children will choose to accept and love their fathers. It takes a "special" type of father that makes their children want nothing to deal with them. Not saying that there aren't father who are unworthy, but each person has to decide that for their self when they're ready.
As for me... I was born a "Daddy's Girl"! My Daddy was my EVERYTHING for the longest time. I loved my mom, but my daddy... that was it for me. But what happens when you put someone up on a pedestal??? Eventually they fall because they're imperfect. OK so, my daddy fell and its been the last I don't know how many years of me trying to figure out where to put him. Yesterday I had the Daddy's Girl experience again. I told him, "you know, I haven't picked your brain in a long time... I need to run something by you".  So I told him about the latest "situation" in my life. It was like he was giving voice to that little voice that has been trapped in my head. Confirming what I thought already just made me feel like "YES!" my father has spoken. Now honestly there's a little part that wanted to say "No Daddy you don't understand..." but in the end I know he's right. And I just need to stop before I end up in ANOTHER situation. :(  My heart says that my daddy is right, and so I pray for the clarity to get it together.
What happened you ask? Well there was this guy, I saw him watching me for a while, but I didn't pay it any real attention. If you haven't noticed the past 2 - 3 years haven't been my finest moments for sure. Well when he approached me in a friendly manner, my feelings took it and ran with it. I found myself liking him, and in the worst way cause I couldn't give you any real reasons why, just that I did. Well when I was honest with him about how I felt he did a whole "SIKE!" I'm not trying to go there with you thing. UGH! Hurt my feelings yes he did which in the end pissed me off. I don't like or participate in the games that Brothers play and here he was playing them. I wouldn't even talk to him. So after lots of prayer and conversations with myself I told myself to calm down and be nice. In the course of that he starts doing "things" again, and my brain is saying WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? So I had to ask my daddy to break it down for me. Help me see this situation clearly because I wasn't getting it. Once he said the words that makes my mind throw up, its like the light came on. My daddy put this guy in the same category as my ex's YIKES! PUMP BRAKES! My daddy says "how do these guys keep finding you???" And you know what, I don't know.... But I don't want to play the games or end up strung out again in a BAD relationship whether he acknowledges it or not. So YES! We can be friends, but it wont go any further than that. The thing is that I'm a good friend if I do say so myself. I have a very nurturing personality, and I love to build people up. But I don't like being lied to or led to a conclusion when its really not where you're not going as well. Here's what my life has taught me, guys like this... there's only so far you can go with them. As far as me in their lives, they love me, and don't want anyone else to have me. But to actually be with me, and be good to me, that's what I haven't experienced. So I'll continue to hold out and wait for the one that's actually looking for me. As for this one, we can be friends, who couldn't use another guy friend in their life? But I wont look for anything more than a friendship from this one, and when I honestly listen to the things he's said... that's all he's really asking for anyways... all that extra stuff is just fluff. I don't know why he does that, but I cant sit here and worry about it either. a closed mouth doesn't get fed, and if your mouth only ever opens to remind me that you're only looking for friendship then hey who am I to fight that? Who am I? I would say back to the drawing board, but in all honesty I never left the drawing board. I've been here all the time.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Lack of enthusiasm

Life lacking enthusiasm... I LONG for a love that I could rejoice openly about. A man who wont run away when I express elation about the acknowledgement of his love and admiration for and of me. Its like you cant tell someone you like them these days. You gotta play hard to get, and you never get the chance to just be SPRUNG anymore. I HATE all the games, and I don't want to play them. I always say people who play games get played. However those who don't play the game get left behind. I'm tired of being left behind, left to discretion and removed from enjoyment of a feeling that was meant for me to experience. All I ever know is disappointment and let down. Settlements of a lack of affection that I have waited my entire life to feel. I'm tired oh so tired! I wanna feel it, I wanna feel every ounce of it. Every drop! I wanna lose sleep because I FEEL SO GOOD! I wanna be HAPPY to come home, and HAPPY to build a home!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sadness and Confusion

1st off the sadness... my grandfather passed away. Although I had no emotional reaction when my father called me Friday full of anguish and pain. Going into his house on Saturday morning brought me to my KNEES! And from which I don't think I've quite gotten up yet. I have a bad attitude sometimes, and its a struggle to keep that in check and to mind my place in this world. But the interesting thing is that unless someone tells me I was COMPLETELY wrong I see how people end up running around spouting their opinions about things that really should be none of their business. But he and I didn't see eye to eye about most things. The underlying issues were bigger than the small things we silently argued about. Oh well I told him I loved more than once after our feud began and each time it was me reaching out to him, never the other way around. Not surprising but just the way things happened. My family is hurting and there's nothing I can really do to make anything better for them, so I just kind of hurt as well.

2nd confusion.... What I don't understand is if I'm praying not to think about you. Its like you can feel a disturbance in the force and you do "things" to make me think about you. I don't know if its intentional or if I'm making something out of nothing. But I don't want to think about you, especially if you're not thinking about me. We've been here done this remember and I got banana cream pie in the face last time. No, I will not hold my breath or be checking for you. But I am starting to get a little confused by it all. Maybe you're just looking for a friend. I guess that's not the worse. But that's not exactly what I'm looking for these days. My agenda is kind of full and seriously I'm looking for something real. I guess I should remember that when our friendship started to bloom last time I ran in the wrong direction. That's not what you came for, or even wanted from me. It doesn't help to imagine something's there when it really isn't. Thank you for helping me talk myself down. "FRIENDS" is all we'll ever be, and I shouldn't look for you to ever be more than just that to me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So as usual, I'm sitting over here brewing about something... Talking to a family member yesterday they laid some pretty "heavy" news on me. It was about a dear friend, so I text them to find out if there was anything new. They told me they would call me later on in the day. So I assumed the worst and don't you just HATE it when you don't make a donkey out of yourself for assuming. I did a lot of praying before my friend and I spoke, which is the reason I didn't feel like I had put my foot in my mouth by the end of the conversation. But it was true, and it seems like I'm the only person hurting. My friend seemed happy about the news and I was surprised to hear all who were on board with this situation. But alas what difference does it make right. The needs of men and women differ greatly and the ability to satisfy those needs differ as well. My friend has decided to remarry (SCREAMS! AGONY! ANY OTHER DRAMATIC EXPRESSION PLEASE INSERT HERE!) it hurts me. And if only because maybe I was foolish enough to believe that my friend would remain single. But the rules are different for men and women I see. If a man wants to remarry he can and will. For a woman she can easily remain single for the rest of her life and no one would even notice. Am I jealous? Kind of! But this hurts more than jealousy but I cant find the words to express it. I had a good conversation with my friend and to my surprise I ended the conversation at almost two hours. My child was coming home and I needed to have dinner ready, besides I didn't exactly want to continue to harp on my disapproval. I kindly told him I would NEVER point him in the direction he's going in. But honestly, would I point him in any direction???? NO! I know its his choice, and he seems happy so far with his choice... But UGH! He told me that I was invited to his home, but I told him I couldn't come. I told him I'm too emotional still, and I know me. When our paths cross I'm gonna be the only one hurting, oh well my issue not theirs. I spent my evening in suspension, and woke up that way too. It wasn't until I was walking up the office that I realized I left the house completely naked in the face. I washed my face this morning and kept it moving. Trying to focus on my hair anything other than the pain I feel right now. I was supposed to call Zimo after I talked to him, but I cant even talk about it. I dont really wanna discuss it, HURTS!

So let me backup a bit...
This weekend I was talking to an acquaintance and I mentioned that I was not content in my singleness... Did she get excited? LOL! Which kind of scared me, and suddenly all my insecurities came rushing to the top. The next day she points out a eligible bachelor... and instead of thinking of myself. I could only think of how my cousin was more worthy than me. Discussing this with a friend later she then gets on my case about how I deserve a mate, etc, etc. Did I mention how compliments make me uncomfortable? STUPID right? Like anyone else I like to receive them and long for them especially when I feel ignored. But compliment me and watch me squirm! I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I haven't. So this weekend I was feeling VERY hopelessly SINGLE! And even depressed about it a little.... no who am I kidding A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! And then my friend lays on me that they're dating and looking to remarry. EXCELLENT TIMING HUH!?!?!?! Oh well there isn't exactly anything wrong with his choice to my immediate knowledge. I don't wish her eternal singleness, exactly. She's just not the person I would choose for him, but like I said I wouldn't choose anyone for him personally. SO OH WELL WHO CARES IF I'M THE ONLY PERSON TRIPPIN RIGHT???? Just me... little ole un-noticeable me. oh well......

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Self Esteem

I need to work on mine. I can tell someone else as the day is long why they're deserving of... but when it comes to me.... the possibility to meet a seemingly good guy presented it's self today. All I could do was think about how this guy could be the one for my very deserving and eligible cousin Nellie. When talking to a friend she asked why not me, and I could feel those scars rearing their ugly heads. YES, I want to be married, but I don't want to deal with the pain of failed relationships. How in the world will I ever marry if I don't get out there? I don't know... I guess I'm just gonna have to keep praying for the help to heal the scars that prohibit me from moving forward. I haven't got a clue on how to do that. (Sad face)

April 10th

My baby turned 13 years old today. Its official, I have a teenager. I cant believe how quickly this time is going by. It seems like only yesterday I was bringing my baby home from the hospital and then proceeding to have a panic attack as the responsibility of a person's life weighed HEAVY on my shoulders. That weight was there for many years, as I took on the responsibility of caring for my child regardless of whether their father was there or not. It took him some years but he eventually completely came around. And for a period of time the pressure slightly lifted. But that sense of responsibility eventually collapsed right back on my shoulders. Oh well such is my life, but I am ALWAYS thankful for the gift of my child. I have a good child and I am grateful!