Thursday, August 25, 2011

4get it!

I didnt last a week.... oh well. 2 sad 2b away.... oh well.

Crazy, Stupid, Love!

I loved this movie! Emma Stone.... love her! Ryan him! Steve Carrell..... LOVE HIM! I loved the story line, I love the story twist.... (SIGH!!!) Love! Is there any greater emotion?


Has anyone ever infected your brain? They become the bacteria that is causing your brain to malfunction. You cant you love them because you don't, and its a stretch to say you like them, because is there any real reason to? But yet, you think about them... You think about them a lot. You don't know why you do, but you do. Sometimes when you talk to them they get on your nerves, and its not like they've shown you all the admirable qualities that you normally fall for, but yet they're on your brain. WHAT IS THAT???? Infection right? How else would you explain it? Even when you try to get mad at them... it just doesn't work. You don't even know them, WHY? There has to be a antibiotic somewhere. Something to turn them off. I mean at best they get on your nerves more often than not, cause they always find a way to say the wrong thing.

I guess I should explain. Normally my crush starts with something the person says. Every once in awhile its just appearance, but that is forgivable. But normally he will say something that speaks to me. Resonates within me. Or maybe its not something they said but something that they're about. Something, not just a all the sudden there they are. And is it acceptable to like someone just because they liked you? That seems WEAK to me. Just not an acceptable answer. But alas, they never admitted to liking you. SAD FACE! It doesn't matter that their actions appeared that way, when they opened their mouth or expressed what was on their mind.... NOPE! Feelings hurt! Yes! A conversation with my father said NO WAY JOSE! Being that I've already wasted my time on a pointless adventure I just really don't want to waste my time and energy again. So in all logic there appears to be no point right, but my mind betrays me. It doesn't stick to the plan. But, right, right! He doesn't like me, regardless of what he alludes to, when asked, he wont own it. So what's the point? A life full of misery I do not want. Pulling back I must. Just because someone's smart enough to notice me, doesn't mean that I have to slow down to notice them back. Aw! This makes me sad... so sad! No seriously, really sad here....

Here's another song to express my mood.... not completely but you get my point:

Sometimes I wonder by the look in your eyes
When I'm standing besides you
There's a fever burning deep inside
Is there anything in your memory?
Do you think of that someone
When you hear that special melody?

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

There'll be sad songs to make you cry
Love songs often do
They can touch the heart of someone new
Saying I love you

I often wonder how it could be
You loving me
Two hearts in perfect harmony
I count the hours until that day
A rhapsody play
A melody for you and me

Until the moment when you give your love to me
You're the one I care for
The one that I will wait for

chorus (2x)

You're my desire
You take me higher
My love is like a river running so deep

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

chorus (2x)

saying I love you
I love you

~ Billy Ocean

FB Withdrawals!!!!

OK so I know this is a crime and a shame, but I am seriously going through FB withdrawals. I finally sat down and watched The Social Network. I think I followed the emotion that they were trying to convey with the movie. Yea, I felt sorry for the guy. He liked maybe loved a girl and when she said she preferred a certain type of guy over him, he just wanted to impress her. Show her that he was better. Even when they stated that the girl was deposed the things she said hurt his feelings. It was almost like the movie was his apology to her. At least that's the way I saw it. I mean they end the movie with him looking at her profile picture, she was the one that got away. AW! Maybe my lack of love is what is causing me to see the story in this light. But I liked the movie, and I keep thinking about it. The only thing is that they talk so FAST and in a monotone half the time. This is definitely a movie I'll have to watch more than once just understand everything that's happening. Kind of like the remake of Pride and Prejudice, I had to watch it with subtitles and everything to understand the words that were coming out their mouths so FAST, but I LOVE THE MOVIE!

So here I sit not knowing what my friends and Family are saying. Not seeing the pictures they're posting. Feeling so disconnected from everyone. SAD FACE! BUT!!!!!! I was venting too much on there. I was taking obvious shots at people, and being misunderstood too often. UGH! I talk TOO much, never really been good at being quiet. Imagine that. If I don't know you, you'd think I was the quietest person EVER. And if you didn't know me you'd think I was shy and non-silly. But I am one of the silliest goofiest people I know. I LOVE to laugh, and quote movies and songs. Even when I didn't have words, I could post the music, the soundtracks of my life. SAD FACE! Now I feel voiceless! OK so I stopped playing the games and that was major, a major time waster. and so what it started because I couldn't get on my computer properly to play the games. Either way the effects of not playing the games didn't hit me like this.

Could it be that FB has become another Ice Cream addiction to me? Which one would I choose? If I had to choose between Ice Cream and FB which would I choose? WHOA! Until I just asked that question I didn't think it would be a hard answer. WHY does this make me feel like I wanna break down and CRY???? I think I'm emotional today anyways. I've been emotional all week.

This song suits my mood right now:

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and Forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me salivate
Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and Forever
Our love is like a floc of doves
Flying off to heaven above
Always and Forever
Always and Forever (Kip crying)

Yep, I think that's it right there. I couldnt have said it better myself.

Monday, August 22, 2011

She Killed FB! U *$#&$ LOL!

OK so I hit the deactivate button on my FB for a moment. If one more emotional outburst came from that site, I don't know what I would do with myself. This last one was because someone FINALLY realized how emotionally attached they were to a situation and went berserk. Oh my goodness. I am all for making impulsive decisions, I think I do this quite often. But when you make them just deal with the consequences. WHY? Because you made the choice now stand by it, even if you didn't weigh all the options. Well this person doesn't do that all the time, and I strongly feel in this situation they didn't do this either. So my comment although it came to mind because of their situation wasn't really about them. But they took it personal and felt the need to tell me how it hurt them.... OK so I apologized as I wasn't intending to be mean or evil or anything like that. I was just simply asking my FB fam a question like I normally do once a week or so. But OK. The hand is writing on the wall, and I don't need Daniel to interpret this one for me. I gotta slow it down. It felt weird deactivating my account though. I've been addicted to FB for over a year now. I think its been two.... my text messages aren't even hoping like they normally do. I don't know what people are saying. What funny or memorable pictures they're posting. What music everyone's listening to. Whoa! This may be harder than I think. But I'm gonna give it a try, take it moment by moment. Breath by breath. I've been putting everything on FB, I gotta slow my roll. Pull back if u will. DEEP BREATH I CAN DO THIS! YES I CAN! YES I CAN! Watch out now.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Upsetting & Disgusting

So last night was my baby's recital. First of all like my child said neither auditoriums that we were in were big enough to house the amount of guest. All kinds of Fire Marshall laws, I'm sure, were violated by the amount of people that were stuffed into each room. So annoying as it was to be crowded into a room full of people you didn't know, it went on and on. It started at 7pm and didn't end until a quarter to midnight. And as if that was annoying enough with its self THEN my child's father is there with his girl friend who was looking her matronly age (old enough to be his mother literally). So he had to know they were the butt of all of our inside jokes. Annoyed I was WHY WAS SHE THERE??? And then I was looking a HOT MESS! Annoying! Then because everyone was moving slow and my child's last minute request made me arrive on time, but not early enough to be completely away from them. UGH! One of my girls was there with her child to support my baby. I pointed them out to her and she was floored. Then I told her, "Oh but wait. He has a chick who works here wait til you see her." So the evening started in room on the 1st floor and then it moved to the 2nd floor auditorium. So when I finally go up to the 2nd floor of course all the seats were taken. I had to make a seat in the stairway next to my father who was sitting behind my child's father. UGH! So basically I was sitting next to him. Then the chick that works there... who was dressed very cute.... Interesting when she NEVER dresses up for these functions and was the only staff member who was dressed up.... Goes center stage her eyes kept coming back to my child's father. DISGUSTING! My girl noticed even. After the show when all I want is my child so I can go home did his girlfriend stop me to shake my hand. Already irritated by everything else I was not in the mood for that moment. But OK whatever, I just wasn't in the mood for CATTY FEMALES! As we're walking to find my child did the working chick stop my child's father to say "I'll see you tomorrow" and then walk away.... she wouldn't even look at me. But I was thinking "DUDE! His girlfriend is right there." I shook my head at my girl because that CHICK deserves more than I can allow my Christian Conscious  give her right now. I wonder what his girlfriend thought about that interaction. But regardless it PISSED me off. Completely and totally disrespectful! My child isn't participating in their events to have to come there and deal with that ridiculousness. I went home cranky and irritated.... Still irritated, his girl friend shouldn't have been there for one. And then for two you need to check your chick on the side, she's ridiculous! I know there are ignorant people who get off on situations like that. But I'm thinking if he's willing to do that with you female what do you think he's going to do when its your turn female! I HATED the whole scene. HATED IT! And then its like how in the world did I ever love this person? He's a whore, and there's nothing respectable about that. He called me and got on my nerves. I don't know if he hung up or my phone disconnected, but his calling me for dumb stuff was just a sign of his guilty conscious. All bets are off, I will not worry about having guys in his face, or whatever. He can walk right in on it for all I'm concerned.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A closed mouth

But here's what's been plaguing me. You know how there's a difference between talking to someone who knows you and just talking to newly found friends or established relationships. Well talking to a old friend last Friday made something stand out in my brain that tons of others have said but they got the enraged answer. He told me to talk to the guy I'm FURIOUS with! Now others have said the same thing, maybe in reference to this guy I'm not sure but it hit me hard last night while I was sitting during service. All the sudden Eric's voice moved me to action, and although I called the unfortunate he didn't answer. Nor did I leave a message... but here's what kind of clicked inside of me. I have not been one to hold back my words when it came to them (all my guy friends from the past). Now I'm sitting in silence brewing in my anger. That's not like me at all. I know that the last three years for me have been filled with turbulence and angst to say the least. I can see how I somewhat lost the grip of who I am. So I may try again shortly, I may but I wont be calling him for answers. I'll be purging and then I'll be done with it. He can be an idiot all he wants to be over there. But as for me over here, I got some THANGS I need to get off my chest. (SMILES!)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


You know what.... I cant call it. I don't know what to think about you anymore. Do you like me? Or don't you? I don't know. Everyone around me seems to say yes, but I'm not so sure. Why? Because you aren't doing anything that you didn't do before and when I confirmed my interest in you, you informed me that you were dating. So with that I proceed with caution. I think I might like you, you know I really cant say whether I do or I don't. I like the attention and I know this is a messed up thing to say but I'm just telling the truth. I don't like how you handled things before. I do not like how that made me look at you. But guarded with you I am, so I haven't taken the time to take inventory in regards to you. Why? Maybe for fear that my feelings haven't changed and that maybe I do like you. Oh how scary but exciting that would be for me. Or maybe I don't like you, and that would just... I don't know what it would be. Part of me just wishes you would step one way or another, at least then I would know which way to go. But that doesn't appear to always be your style, regardless of whatever you've already rejected me once WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I PUT MYSELF ON THE LINE FOR YOU AGAIN? My self esteem cant handle such blows. I don't want to sit and try to figure you out, I want you to step up and say what you feel. But I don't see you doing that, which is confusing to me, because I consider you to be a man. But honestly I don't know you well enough to know what makes you tick. You haven't been all that open with me... or I should say we haven't had the opportunity to interact all that much. So I don't know how to read you. I guess I'll just keep working on praying away my thoughts in your direction. I don't have time for another heartache.


So yesterday my thoughts were all over the place. Missing my girl like crazy, and even feeling it in my toes that I couldn't just call up her and say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! And the fact that I couldn't call her hubby and grieve with him as he has moved on with his life. So needless to say self medicating on Saturday night led to total sickness on Sunday. I laid on the couch all day. At one point I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn't until yesterday as I drove into work that I realized what my malfunction was. I mean I kind of questioned the tears, but that isn't exactly a new thing with me these days.

Any who, my lovely and wonderful cousin just so happened to reach out to me right after I said a silent prayer for relief. She refocused all my angst and pain into something more positive. Originally last year amongst a ton of other reasons, my girl's passing was an eye opener as to how much I should value and appreciate my health and the body that I'm in. I took off like a rocket. Lost weight like you wouldn't believe and had a lovely support system at the time. Even when my support fell off I was still at it and doing well. But then I burned out, I couldn't maintain anger and proper management of my diet. Horrible, but the truth nonetheless. I'm still angry, but I'm looking up for relief from my inner furnace. So again I'm attempting to move forward and become the person that I know I am on the inside outwardly.

I will try my best to read Marianne's words daily as I feel like this poem/motivational statement applies so well to me.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ Marianne Williamson

So here I go again. On my program officially today, and so far so good. This is a moment by moment process for me as sometimes I put things in my mouth without even thinking. But yesterday I went home and exercised some. It felt really good. Thanx Nae, you have been a great source of motivation to me.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Do you  ever fear putting yourself on the line? Well as I get older my walls go up faster, due to past experiences. And lately you can get shut out pretty easily. Doesn't take much just step on a crack. LOL! So my mind keeps translating a conversation one way, but it appears that others who read about it translate it another. Don't worry sticking to my guns, I ain't playing stupid that easily EVER again. BUT there is a part of my brain that keeps wondering. Which is making me anxious and making me fight with myself. Last time I listened to people and the way they painted the picture, I found out it wasn't that way. Not willing to go through that again, half of me is curious to see if I'm missing something. But the other half KNOWS better. Not missing a thing and although it may seem like there's something there. I should know better by now that its really not there. Coming back to reality, forget the fairy tales.