Last night I had a moment where I felt like a writer. I asked my SS1 to read it, although I tagged my sister, Zimo, and SS1. My sister loved it, I asked SS1 to read it because I know she doesn't log onto FB very often. Zimo... well she's married and far removed from the topic so its no biggie that she had no response for it. But it felt good to write. I kept reading it over and over again. Then I started thinking on it like I used to with my old stories. Yea, he was my muse, and I am kind of curious to know what he thought of it. But I will NEVER admit to that to him. But yay, now I wanna write more. Hmmmmmm all the stories I will write. LOL! Gotta go write yet another story never to be published. :o)
CORRECTION! Zimo just responded... guess we she needed time to actually look at her FB to see what I said. :o) Yay!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Moody
OK, so I know I've been moody. I've been trying to keep it to myself. But last night he stepped on my nerve, and I didn't realize how exposed it was until I was screaming into the phone and tears were rolling down my face.
You see I've been off my "program" for a little while now and the pounds have been rolling back on. By now I should know better than to share anything person with the father of my child. He isn't happy with himself, so he pulls everyone else around him down as well. Last night I wasn't in the mood, I should've kept the conversation short and to the point and kept it moving. But no.... I vaguely mentioned my "program" which for me is a lifestyle change not a diet. And I call it a program as it is a program to help me get my life back and will be a way of life moving forward. And when I deviate from that "program" I know that the pounds will come. Well he was in a "PREACHY" mood last night. Anytime I said anything he was all over it. Constantly tearing me down, and trying to unjustify anything and everything that I said. ANNOYING!
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I alluded to the fact that right now is a hard time for me. Without even understanding what I meant he shoots back that what I'm going through other people have gone through and worse..... Now even though that's true it doesn't take MY PAIN away! I LOST it! Next week on the 29th marks the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's death. I'm not dealing well, and I want to be, but I'm not.
Even though my heart wants to, I don't want to have a wedding. Although my SS1 and Zimo would be there it wouldn't be the same without her. You see my plan was to have those most important persons right there in the forefront with me. My sister, because I love her dearly. SS1 would dream with me and help me see how I could make something out of nothing to fit my black tie affair. Zimo would be my help to make things happen. She'd find my ideas and make them come to life. Jazz would be my comic relief, and help to take the edge off.
Let alone the lesson we just had this past Sunday... I'm trying my hardest to see my singleness as a blessing. I know I should but I don't. I already know that the man I wish for and my heart longs for doesn't exist, but its just hard to deal with that reality sometimes. And I don't value being alone, except for the times when I don't have to deal with some fool bringing me down. I can do bad all by myself. I just don't believe that there's a non-selfish mate for me anymore. The selfishness is the part that always hurts me. So I'd rather not deal with that EVER!
I'm so through with that man and his issues. I hate that he tries to make his issues mine. Everything that he stated as reasons to justify his departure from his current girlfriend are all things that he's guilty of. If its not about him he acts a FOOL! He doesn't understand half the things I tell him, but assumes that he does. He uses folks, and then drops them when he doesn't need them anymore. And he always has to have someone. He'll lie and say there's no one and try to make it seem like he's coping on his own. But that isn't true, I have yet to know him when its just him, HE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE SOMEONE and that's just sad. And then he tends to make it seem like there's something wrong with you because you can be content without having someone in your life. I don't need a man to make me feel good about being me. I can be alone and be happy enough. He doesn't leave a relationship until he has another one lined up. And if he can he doesn't completely leave any relationship. I'm just sad that it took me so long to see him for who he is.... just sad. He'll come to me sharing all these personal things about the person he's with and then turn around and talk about me to them. Not even his "best-friend" is above his disapproval and slander. He will never be happy, which is why he's now turning to Mary to some how turn off the pain of the things he's lacking in his life. He doesn't want to fix the things that are wrong with him, and he tries to justify them. But yet he faults you for running from your issues. I SMELL A HYPOCRITE! Oh well that's his issue and thank goodness its no longer mine. I was already emotional last night and then he pushed me over the edge. Oh well, I will heal and he will remain the same.... pathetic!
You see I've been off my "program" for a little while now and the pounds have been rolling back on. By now I should know better than to share anything person with the father of my child. He isn't happy with himself, so he pulls everyone else around him down as well. Last night I wasn't in the mood, I should've kept the conversation short and to the point and kept it moving. But no.... I vaguely mentioned my "program" which for me is a lifestyle change not a diet. And I call it a program as it is a program to help me get my life back and will be a way of life moving forward. And when I deviate from that "program" I know that the pounds will come. Well he was in a "PREACHY" mood last night. Anytime I said anything he was all over it. Constantly tearing me down, and trying to unjustify anything and everything that I said. ANNOYING!
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I alluded to the fact that right now is a hard time for me. Without even understanding what I meant he shoots back that what I'm going through other people have gone through and worse..... Now even though that's true it doesn't take MY PAIN away! I LOST it! Next week on the 29th marks the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's death. I'm not dealing well, and I want to be, but I'm not.
Even though my heart wants to, I don't want to have a wedding. Although my SS1 and Zimo would be there it wouldn't be the same without her. You see my plan was to have those most important persons right there in the forefront with me. My sister, because I love her dearly. SS1 would dream with me and help me see how I could make something out of nothing to fit my black tie affair. Zimo would be my help to make things happen. She'd find my ideas and make them come to life. Jazz would be my comic relief, and help to take the edge off.
Let alone the lesson we just had this past Sunday... I'm trying my hardest to see my singleness as a blessing. I know I should but I don't. I already know that the man I wish for and my heart longs for doesn't exist, but its just hard to deal with that reality sometimes. And I don't value being alone, except for the times when I don't have to deal with some fool bringing me down. I can do bad all by myself. I just don't believe that there's a non-selfish mate for me anymore. The selfishness is the part that always hurts me. So I'd rather not deal with that EVER!
I'm so through with that man and his issues. I hate that he tries to make his issues mine. Everything that he stated as reasons to justify his departure from his current girlfriend are all things that he's guilty of. If its not about him he acts a FOOL! He doesn't understand half the things I tell him, but assumes that he does. He uses folks, and then drops them when he doesn't need them anymore. And he always has to have someone. He'll lie and say there's no one and try to make it seem like he's coping on his own. But that isn't true, I have yet to know him when its just him, HE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE SOMEONE and that's just sad. And then he tends to make it seem like there's something wrong with you because you can be content without having someone in your life. I don't need a man to make me feel good about being me. I can be alone and be happy enough. He doesn't leave a relationship until he has another one lined up. And if he can he doesn't completely leave any relationship. I'm just sad that it took me so long to see him for who he is.... just sad. He'll come to me sharing all these personal things about the person he's with and then turn around and talk about me to them. Not even his "best-friend" is above his disapproval and slander. He will never be happy, which is why he's now turning to Mary to some how turn off the pain of the things he's lacking in his life. He doesn't want to fix the things that are wrong with him, and he tries to justify them. But yet he faults you for running from your issues. I SMELL A HYPOCRITE! Oh well that's his issue and thank goodness its no longer mine. I was already emotional last night and then he pushed me over the edge. Oh well, I will heal and he will remain the same.... pathetic!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
My apology
Quiero una como un momento para decir lo que está en mi corazón. Puede que no tenga sentido para ti, pero te gustó, porque pensé que me viste. En mi opinión, resulta que era sólo un juego. Eso hirió mis sentimientos, y los sentimientos de dolor se convirtió en enojo. Te escucha cuando le dijiste material de la unión werent. Así que pensé que había tiempo para arreglar mi pequeño enamoramiento por mi cuenta. Pero entonces, dijo que las cosas "le dije a mi madre acerca de usted" que me hizo preguntarme si se acaba de miedo o que me dice la verdad. Cuando you le dijo que estaba hablando con alguien, no sé si usted entiende lo que eso significa en el mundo de los testigos, pero no te la fecha a menos que usted está buscando un compañero. Como puedes ver yo no lo tome a bien que es por eso que también no se quede por detrás de todos y cada hermano solo. Así que con eso dicho, me disculpo por el cierre hacia fuera. A pesar de ser herido mis sentimientos no es una excusa de su explicación de por qué me ha respondido a la manera que tengo. Espero que podamos ser amigos otra vez un día, la próxima vez sabré regardless de lo que dicen o hacen, yo no soy más que un amigo.
Unfortunately
So last night my child and I sat in back of the congregation. Normally we sit in the front where there's less distractions, but I don't like sitting in the front when we arrive late. So we sat in the back and in the back you can see a lot of people, etc. I noticed the sad face on my child but I didn't say anything. When we got home my child volunteered to tell me why they looked sad. They said they really want a family, and it makes them sad when they see other "happy" families and then its just us, which to them feels like an incomplete family. Now I've told them before that just because there's a mother and a father that does not always equal a happy family. But needless to say last night all I could do was apologize. I mean sometimes I feel it myself but I never try to show that to my baby. When talks are given about families, I know my situation isn't ideal. And yes I would love to have a husband, most importantly one that I can worship with. But honestly I am also very afraid of a relationship. The demise of my relationship with my child's father has left a VERY BAD taste in my mouth in regards to relationships. I'm kind of afraid to love someone, its not that I wont or that I don't want to. But I'm scared. I guess this is where prayer comes into play. And any ideas I may have had of anyone that I know I have to let them go. I have yet to meet a person where the signs weren't right there in my face that we were not a good match. Even the last person who I thought "hmmmmmm, maybe he could be the answer to my prayers...." I tried to ignore the first two signs but at last REJECTION always hits you like a brick wall. Now.... why would I go back there. This morning I woke up wondering if some of the things said by this person were actually statements covertly made to me.... Hmmmmmm. Well I'm not a read between the lines kind of person. I will never assume that you're talking to me. And if in the end I have to guess then the message wasn't for me anyways. Funny how all this comes up when my child's father starts on his Mister Nice Guy campaign.... NO! He's not even a consideration.... We did have good times once upon a time (in my mind at least) but the bad was so BAD that I could NEVER go back wholeheartedly, and if your whole heart isn't in it, then why even bother. It just makes me sad because for once this is a need that I cant provide for my child. What is my mood today? Melancholy for sure.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
SS1
2day is my SS1's day! Yay 2 u, hope you're having a good day. I'm so happy u were born, and that u r U!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
My Slant on things
OK so lately I've been thinking a lot about Human Nature. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the lessons we've been reviewing during service. Part of Human Nature for now is our imperfection which causes us to quickly forget.... whether its something good or bad we forget quickly. We as humans tend to see things with our own special slant on it, and sometimes we tend to gloss over facts to make things hit us the way they do. Something that I battle with is trying so hand to understand where the other person is coming from, that my voice isn't heard. For so many years there was no one standing up for me and I was getting walked all over. Now I get so angry the littlest things trigger severe angry reactions. I'm praying for a balance on this one.
OK so what has triggered this emotion this evening... Let me see if I can make it make sense. So my child's father said to my child about a week ago that I was "MAD" at him because he doesn't want to be with me. After all of this time, I thought topics like this were a moot point. This mention kind of left my child wondering, so of course I reassured my child that I DO NOT want their father. He lives with his girlfriend, if nothing else could've put a nail in the coffin... although that ship had LONG sailed before then. That's just a constant reminder if I was EVER DUMB enough to go down memory lane. But trust me I don't have those thoughts. So today this man tells me to check FB for a poem he wrote and they wanted me to read. OK so back in the day we used to share poetry, etc every so often he shares which is no big deal. But at first when I read the following I was about to have a definitely LOUD reaction. Read:
Driftn further apart
So much time in between
Did we spend to much time
Lost in are deceptive thoughts
I was waiting for the ambush
You were waiting 4 me to fail and walk
But we’re still here
Always fightn face 2 face
Why cant we Luv we
Time keeps on tickn
Many days alone go by
To quick
no haste to have a confrontation
When im really wondern
When will she take flight
It these luv games
What are the rules
And how did I get picked
Do I really win when I do
Is Luv that something
You lose too
Or do I choose too
Huh??? Right? At 1st I was about to react all full of myself. Like you're tripping, or some ridiculous knee jerk reaction like that. But a quick prayer lead me down another thought process. I believe this insight into his soul was penned today. This could be his loving expression about his current or prior relationship. I'm choosing to slant this situation as his reflection on anyone other than me. WHY? Because ALL I EVER hear is about how unhappy he was while with me. How my faults were too difficult to deal with. What I've come to terms with is that his main issues weren't with me, although he would love for me to think so. He has some unresolved issues that are choking the life out of him. I never presented myself as a person without issues, but I did accept his put downs too well. He would like me to believe that I am unlovable, and that there's no one for me but him, but that I'm not good enough for him. I'm so happy I don't believe that. I have issues like any other person living in this world. I know that I am a lovable person, and I know that he is not the man for me. It took me years to TRULY understand that, but I get it now. I try not to put my own slant on things so much that I cant remember how things were with us. My child is now at the age where they have questions and they really want to know what happened between us. My child is almost the clone of their father. Look like him, talk like him, act like him, think like him, etc, etc, etc. I don't want my child feeling bad about their self if I'm always putting their father down. And things weren't always horrible between he and I, so that's not the picture I want to paint for my baby. I just don't want to be the source of that kind of pain for my baby. Now what he does on his end is what he does on his end. But I don't want that negative energy generating from me.
All that to say that the interpretation of poetry or slant if you will on this one that I choose is say... that I liked the poem and I thought that he should put it in his book of poetry.
OK so what has triggered this emotion this evening... Let me see if I can make it make sense. So my child's father said to my child about a week ago that I was "MAD" at him because he doesn't want to be with me. After all of this time, I thought topics like this were a moot point. This mention kind of left my child wondering, so of course I reassured my child that I DO NOT want their father. He lives with his girlfriend, if nothing else could've put a nail in the coffin... although that ship had LONG sailed before then. That's just a constant reminder if I was EVER DUMB enough to go down memory lane. But trust me I don't have those thoughts. So today this man tells me to check FB for a poem he wrote and they wanted me to read. OK so back in the day we used to share poetry, etc every so often he shares which is no big deal. But at first when I read the following I was about to have a definitely LOUD reaction. Read:
Driftn further apart
So much time in between
Did we spend to much time
Lost in are deceptive thoughts
I was waiting for the ambush
You were waiting 4 me to fail and walk
But we’re still here
Always fightn face 2 face
Why cant we Luv we
Time keeps on tickn
Many days alone go by
To quick
no haste to have a confrontation
When im really wondern
When will she take flight
It these luv games
What are the rules
And how did I get picked
Do I really win when I do
Is Luv that something
You lose too
Or do I choose too
Huh??? Right? At 1st I was about to react all full of myself. Like you're tripping, or some ridiculous knee jerk reaction like that. But a quick prayer lead me down another thought process. I believe this insight into his soul was penned today. This could be his loving expression about his current or prior relationship. I'm choosing to slant this situation as his reflection on anyone other than me. WHY? Because ALL I EVER hear is about how unhappy he was while with me. How my faults were too difficult to deal with. What I've come to terms with is that his main issues weren't with me, although he would love for me to think so. He has some unresolved issues that are choking the life out of him. I never presented myself as a person without issues, but I did accept his put downs too well. He would like me to believe that I am unlovable, and that there's no one for me but him, but that I'm not good enough for him. I'm so happy I don't believe that. I have issues like any other person living in this world. I know that I am a lovable person, and I know that he is not the man for me. It took me years to TRULY understand that, but I get it now. I try not to put my own slant on things so much that I cant remember how things were with us. My child is now at the age where they have questions and they really want to know what happened between us. My child is almost the clone of their father. Look like him, talk like him, act like him, think like him, etc, etc, etc. I don't want my child feeling bad about their self if I'm always putting their father down. And things weren't always horrible between he and I, so that's not the picture I want to paint for my baby. I just don't want to be the source of that kind of pain for my baby. Now what he does on his end is what he does on his end. But I don't want that negative energy generating from me.
All that to say that the interpretation of poetry or slant if you will on this one that I choose is say... that I liked the poem and I thought that he should put it in his book of poetry.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sitting here strugglin
I'm sitting here thinking about the upcoming festivities... I'm going to a party, haven't been to a "party" since just before I found out I was pregnant with my baby. Everyone has to wear white to this party. I found a beautiful white dress online at Macy's. I tried it on the other day and it fits but its not BANGIN' on me. :o( I wanna tone up and get it together and there is something mentally blocking me. I know I'm hyping this whole thing up in my head more than it is. I doubt that would be anyone there who would get my attention.
AHA! I just had a moment. I keep saying that I'm afraid of the attention that I could possibly draw when I get in shape, but truthfully there are so many healthy single women that, that's not quite the total issue. Here's what it is..... I'm afraid of working my butt off. FINALLY being completely HAPPY NO IN LOVE with me, meeting a guy who I fall for, and then being rejected by him. Rejection seems to be the story of my life, and no matter how many times it happens. Each and every rejection is like another stab wound that will NEVER heal. I even married someone I was not physically attracted to in hopes that FINALLY I would have the love that I had been looking for. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! He was until two years ago the worst, now he and my child's father are tied for worst traumas EVER! I want to forget them, but how do I do that? I want those losers out of my bag. I don't want to be the bag lady that keeps missing her bus draggin all my bags.
I guess this is a conversation I need to have with myself. I could try talking it out with people, but sometimes even in a person's best attempt they're more discouraging than they are encouraging. I know this much about myself, when I set my mind to it no one can stop me. Just gotta get my mind right. Gotta stop internalizing everything, and holding onto everything. Don't exactly know how to do that, since I've been doing this my whole life. But I'll pray for an answer and keep it moving....
AHA! I just had a moment. I keep saying that I'm afraid of the attention that I could possibly draw when I get in shape, but truthfully there are so many healthy single women that, that's not quite the total issue. Here's what it is..... I'm afraid of working my butt off. FINALLY being completely HAPPY NO IN LOVE with me, meeting a guy who I fall for, and then being rejected by him. Rejection seems to be the story of my life, and no matter how many times it happens. Each and every rejection is like another stab wound that will NEVER heal. I even married someone I was not physically attracted to in hopes that FINALLY I would have the love that I had been looking for. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! He was until two years ago the worst, now he and my child's father are tied for worst traumas EVER! I want to forget them, but how do I do that? I want those losers out of my bag. I don't want to be the bag lady that keeps missing her bus draggin all my bags.
I guess this is a conversation I need to have with myself. I could try talking it out with people, but sometimes even in a person's best attempt they're more discouraging than they are encouraging. I know this much about myself, when I set my mind to it no one can stop me. Just gotta get my mind right. Gotta stop internalizing everything, and holding onto everything. Don't exactly know how to do that, since I've been doing this my whole life. But I'll pray for an answer and keep it moving....
Soul Sista #1
OK so on FB I was telling a funny little story about my paranoid episode... and my SS1 read it and she says that I really need to start writing again. Then of course my little sister chimes in as well. Yes, I do need to write again, but I'm suffering from some serious writer's block. Whenever the story starts to hit close to home... I blank out. I used to just think of stories all the time. I could probably think of themes for multiple story lines all day... today... I'm just happy to focus on the task at hand. I cant wait to get the old me back. When I do, look for Lizzy on the best seller's list.... :o)
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