Clearing out the Junk

Every December I go through my closet and find things to donate. Seventeen years ago next month I was married. Divorced a little over fifteen years now, but I still have the dress, shoes, and veil. I don't know why other than I paid my money for that mess. The thought has never occurred to me to get rid of them until yesterday. I don't know why... but I will be taking them to the local Goodwill today for donation. Its time to let it all go. You know what's hard is that I live with the pain of that failed relationship like it just happened hours ago.

You know what it is... I really expected that guy to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I was open with him about everything. I tried talking to him even when he wouldn't listen. Broke my heart, when in the end I only asked him to love me. So then enters my child's father. Broken and confused I leaned on that guy as much as he would let me. No I'm lying, I leaned on him even when he didn't want me to. I gave him everything I couldn't give my ex. MCF didn't know or understand where I was coming from or what I had been through. My fault cause I wasn't willing to explain, and never gave him the benefit of the doubt that he REALLY cared that deeply. Now I loved MCF, but I held him at distance because there was always something he wasn't telling me. But that couldve been what I wasn't telling him compounding things between us. But the little tid bits I did share with him, they were thrown in my face. Why would you trust someone with information who behaves that way.

I have to let go of the ways and whys of the hurts and pains of yesterday if I'm ever gonna be able to move forward. I don't know how to let go though. Carrying those hurts have been my only protection. I'm tired of being disappointed by people, taken for granted. I'm tired of being hurt... Here's to getting older, and hopefully getting better!

Post-Anniversary Dinner / Pre-Intimate Dinner with Fam BAM!

OK so, dinner was a smashing success. Everyone who said they would come came, and everyone had a good time. The ONLY sad part is when my cousin explained to me why he was having a small wedding and that he would be going away for a little while shortly thereafter. I almost cried, I just hugged him and HUGGED HIM! I told him I loved him, and how much I was gonna miss him. (stopping the tears that well up now) But we all had a good time otherwise. My child was SO HAPPY when they discovered it was all you can eat crab legs. There were Oysters, Clams, Shrimp, and mussels... I don't eat ANY of that. But I was happy for those who do indulge in that stuff had it available to them as all you can eat. One cousin was so excited, she said she had to start with two plates instead of just one. I love to watch her enjoy food she has such an appreciation for it. And I don't know where it all goes. She's always been thin, wish I had that gene but it seems to have skipped me. LOL!

Yesterday, I got somethings for the intimate dinner with just the immediate family tomorrow. We're not gonna do a huge fancy dinner, simple but nice. We'll present my parents with their actual Anniversary presents tomorrow. I cant wait to see them use my gift. I wont say what it is (cant remember if I've said already) just in case they know about this blog. (smiles) I gotta get to wrapping this evening. We'll see how this turns out.




But the drink of choice tomorrow will be White Russians! The best thing ever was discovering the recipe on Yes, Divas can cook's blog. Who doesn't like ice cream? I was making them at least three times a week for a minute there. I have since slowed my roll, but tomorrow is a special occasion and White Russian worthy. What's in it you ask?

Vodka
Kahlua
Vanilla Ice Cream

Blend in the blender. I like mine thick like a milk shake. Oh its so GOOD! I could drink these all day every day. I bought a BIG tub of ice cream just for this (Ice Cream Parlor size). And the warehouse size bottle of Kettle One. I couldn't find a warehouse sized Kahlua so I will have to pay BevMo a visit. (My toy store) Hopefully we wont kill each other before the night is over. I kid, I kid! We actually get a long pretty good (my Sib's and I), they just know I'm like the second mom and they need to watch out sometimes. But I love them all and would fight tooth and nail for each one of them. Here's to hoping for the best tomorrow.

Pre-Anniversary Dinner

So tomorrow is the dinner at a very casual and laid back all you can eat Chinese food Buffet. I have over forty folks who have said yes they will come. And the number is so low because I didn't invite everyone. I invited the ones I have email addresses for. If we just really put the invitation out there, that whole place would be hoping with nothing but family. JOY! One day we may have to do that. (smiles)

But you know what I was thinking. Maybe instead of making a cake I'll go over to the local Cheesecake Factory Restaurant and buy one for everyone to enjoy! ( http://www.thecheesecakefactory.com/ ) Sounds like a plan to me. And then the thought occurred to me. Um, shouldn't we decorate the house a little bit. Make it a little festive? Wouldn't that make everyone happy as they look at the effort put into the occasion. Then I started thinking about how the pictures would look nicer if we had a few decorations around. So that thought took me over to Oriental Trading ( http://www.orientaltrading.com/ ) and wouldn't you know, I found a wonderful idea for setting the table. BUT! I had this brain child too late in the game. If I placed the order today my stuff wouldn't arrive until the day of and that's after paying half the total to ship it over night. How about NO! I guess I'm going to the dollar store to see if I can recreate my brain child, SIGH! I don't know what I was thinking. But I'm getting excited about both events. I love the idea of family coming together to celebrate the love my parents have shown each other and all of us.

Also the dinner will be..... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!

Lady Bug's Debut!

Since she's only a month old, she hasn't had the opportunity to meet very many family members. One Aunt in particular is very excited to meet my brother's offspring. I want a picture of that moment. Hopefully everyone is on their best behavior and the evening yields a smashing success.

Helpless

Right now I'm feeling pretty helpless. My child confided in me that someone at school was hitting and kicking them. When my child tells me anything about someone hurting them I am quick to respond and protect. But I called their father first, and their father said that we should allow our child to handle the situation properly before we get involved. I know in my mind he's right, but I really want to protect my baby. I know I didn't almost die giving birth to that child for them to end up someone's punching bag even if its an improperly expressed crush. UGH! I wanna go down there so badly and demand that my child is left alone. But I'm trying to listen and not be so impulsive. The waiting has me feeling helpless, and powerless. I feel like I'm letting my baby down although I know he's right. I guess this is one of those practice sessions for when I have a real man in my life. I know he's right, but its just not the way I wanted to handle the situation. So in addition to telling our child to report the situation to their teachers, I also sent a email to the teachers and I put both of our contact information, etc in the email. Now I'm waiting to see what happens next... HELP! Relax, Relate, Release!

Pre-42nd Dinner

OK so this Saturday on the 17th we're going to go to an all you can eat Chinese Food Buffet. I sent out a lovely Evite to the immediate and some not so immediate family members, almost all except for two have agreed to come. Now this place is not fancy and very casual if you will, but it was the only place that we could think of that could facilitate our family, and then we decided to invite others to come as well. I'm looking forward to a drama free evening with my family and close Friends.

I keep trying to tell myself to stop thinking this way, but part of me feels like this may be the last anniversary where we're all together. I know that's probably just the dramatic side of my brain speaking, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I've asked my brother and sister closest to me in age to bring cameras to take pictures of everyone. I hope they both remember and capture the evening wonderfully! My father very briefly told me about some of the ailments that his parents suffered from before they both died very young. I need to get more detail from him about them, I know to know what to expect in his regard, as well as mine and my child's.

Natural Flair

OK so, guess what... My baby had a all day recital Saturday. To my surprise and pleasure their father and I got a long pretty well. Of course his father was also there to support his grandchild ( an added niceness cushion), but it was really nice. Even his, one of many, girlfriends continued to try her best to keep an eye on us the entire time ( as she was at work and couldn't just sit and watch ). Gurl PLEASE! Any who, my baby did a good job with each performance dancing, singing, and acting. My baby excelled in the skit that they did. Oh my goodness the humor, THE DRAMA, and stage presence... my baby had it all. I was so PROUD! I always knew my baby would be a performer... Proudest MOM EVER!

Green Monster Smoothies

OK so, this past weekend has been full of smoothies. I know its cold outside, but that doesn't seem to stop my family from indulging in the cold and creamy. I made this one for my parents, and they seem to like it a lot:

• Kale
• Spinach
• Banana
• Pineapple juice
• Flax seed Meal
• Frozen Pineapples
• Plain Non-fat Yogurt

I don't measure when I may any of these. But try it! Your mouth and body will thank you. Then I made other variations of this smoothie by adding:

• Frozen Strawberries
• Frozen Berry medley
• Oranges
• Apples
• Mango
• Kiwi

I am in love with smoothies, and this weekend was great. I will need to restock this weekend on my supplies, but YES! its on! As long as we start at the foundation of Green and POWERFUL I think my body will say thank you. I have to get back on target, I have to get back on task. Here's to yet another beautiful beginning...

Winter Project Flop

OK so, make the noise... wah, wah! LOL! I was ready, I was gonna do them all... my Winter Projects that is.., but I don't know what happened, but none of it has happened yet. (SAD FACE) I know its not too late, but my mind is all over the place right now. November was a VERY emotional month for me, and then the icing on the cake, my father fell ill. He appears to be on the up and up so now I gotta get it together.

This year instead of having dinner at my house, we're going to go out to dinner. My thing was that I LOVE having people over. That part wasn't the problem. I just hate being stuck in the kitchen ALL DAY, all the cleaning, etc. And then I don't get to enjoy my company like everyone else does. So this year we're going out. I sent out and Evite and so far I have confirmation that 25 people are coming and everyone hasn't confirmed yet. Yay! So that will be our Annual Family Celebration of my parents nuptials.

Then on my parent's actual Anniversary we will have a simple dinner for just the immediate family and present my parents with their gifts. Here's whats on the menu:

Green Beans
Garlic Loaded Mash Potatoes
Cubed steak
Egg Nog
White Russians (Adults only children need not apply)
Caramel Rum Cake



I think I'll make the cake the night before. The rest will be simple enough to make. The hardest thing to make may be the potatoes, but even that isn't difficult to make.

New Blog 2 L-O-V-E!

OK so, half of the fun of logging on here is to look and see what my fellow bloggers have posted. I love looking at the post of others. So I happened to run across this one

http://iheartorganizing.blogspot.com/

Um, yea... loving it. And the nice thing is that there are so many previous post on here that I can go back to the beginning and read them all while I patiently await new post from my other favorite bloggers. Plus, I REALLY need some organization in my life so this will help me figure that out. Yay me!

A boy and his dog

Although its technically my child's dog my youngest nephew has the most fun with my puppy. My mom captured this moment of them just having a good time:

I just cant stop staring at my babies, they look so cute! Just a typical day of them just playing around.

Wedding Cakes

So I'm talking to my aunt about weddings. Last year when we had dinner for my parent's anniversary I made three cakes... do you remember? A pound cake, Red Velvet, and a Mountain High Fudge Cake as I like to call it. When my aunt tasted my RVC she jokingly said she wanted me to make her wedding cake. I was honored but SPOOKED all at the same time. I think I need to practice, and maybe I can figure it out on my own. I would LOVE to create a cake that looked like this:

I would be quite HAPPY with myself if I could pull that off. So I guess I'm going to Michaels and grabbing some fondant and practicing. Even if the cake is homemade there's no reason why it should have to look that way.



I never get it!

I never seem to pick up on when some one's flirting with me... WAIT! I take that back. I knew the bartender yesterday was flirting with me, but only because he wanted me to spend more money. I highly doubt there was anything genuine in his flirtation, and even if there was my disregard for his flirtation was real. But I guess if I was a flirt I would be able to zoom in on it right away. Normally fifty million years later I get it and go, oh yea. I guess maybe they were interested, but by the time I get it they're already married with six kids and blissfully happy. I just don't assume that a guy is talking to me or even breathing in my direction because he's interested. And whenever I allow myself to "take those clues" and run with them. I end up with MUD in my face, as the idiot informs me that I read it all wrong, when really if I came to that conclusion about you then it has to be pretty obvious to the world and me that you were flirting! Any who there's a nice guy, and he's so nice that I don't look at him in that way (short coming on my side). I saw him yesterday, and he gave me the BIGGEST hug... first of all can I say I LOVE HUGS! And it caught me off guard as I didn't expect him to hug me like that. Would it be desperate of me to wonder why he hugged me like that? UGH! There was nothing wrong with the way he hugged me, I was actually standing next to my father when he did it. Believe me if there was something wrong with it, the world would've heard about it. But alas, experience has taught me to chew it back... if I thought there was something behind it, to let it go. I only really ever see him once a year anyways. I so rarely see him that he didn't realize I had a child. I introduced them and he said you don't look old enough to have a child that old, and I told him because I'm not. Someone told me not to say that because guys don't like to hear things like that. But its only the truth, no I wasn't sixteen or even eighteen when my child was born, but it sure felt like it. I wasn't ready... but now... I don't want to try again either. LOL! Cant win for trying. But I will say that he's a nice guy, I don't know why he isn't married yet. I wish him the best in everything, and as for me. I'll keep my nose to the ground. I don't have the self esteem to experience the disappointment of unfulfilled hopes again... I'm keeping to myself. No thanx!

Not the 1st time

Although this is not my first time to the Rodeo, it still goes without words the first time your hold your new niece or nephew. My brother just made me an Aunt again, but tell me my heart didn't flutter when my little Lady Bug responded to my voice. Because of unforeseen events things didn't go as planned for the new parents. So they had to concede to allow family to gush all over them. I know, I know a real problem right. LOL! But the baby had to stay under observation for a while so when I first laid eyes on her, only my brother could hold her. She was sweet and innocent, a little doll. Well yesterday I went by the hospital and my sister-in-law was feeding her. During Lady Bug's brief come up for air, she gave her to me. And she wanted to continue eating so she started to fuss. So I started talking to her, do you know she stopped crying to look at me. Then she continued to look at me like, "I know that voice". And if I stopped talking she would fuss, but as soon as I spoke to her she would stop and look at me. OH I LOVED IT! Maybe it was the same tone her father uses when he talks to her (I'm always told that we talk the same... even though he has a very deep and masculine voice I understand what people mean) that made her respond to me. Whatever the deal... I'LL take it! LOL! I am very happy and satisfied with my encounter with my niece until I can hold her all day long. I know that wont happen though, there are a ton of folks who EXCITED to meet her. I probably wont get to have that moment until she's 13 and everyone is running from the new teen on the scene. LOL!

Instead of calling you today, I'm gonna sing you a song!

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum

I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

The POWER we give dates!

OK so one day I was watching Oprah (I'm truly missing that show) and she was interviewing families who had gone through tragedies. First she showed a previous interview with Nate Berkus (I think he's absolutely adorable. Especially after the episode of Oprah where he switched days with a stay at home mom. Watching him try to be Super Mom was so endearing to me. Any who...) and he was telling the story of his trip to Siri Lanka with his partner when the Tsunami hit. He said he had been in bed lifeless, and he only crawled out of bed to tell his experience for Oprah and then he went home and crawled back into bed. When they showed the footage he was WHOOPED! You could tell he was suffering. I guess it was the fact that his pain was genuine (NO ACTING!) that resonated with me.
And then they show this family. There was a mother and father, and two sons. Nate thought he was meeting with the family to help the youngest son Aaron come up with a business plan for his business. And you know how it is when you ask questions and then you find the real story. They told the story of how the family came to be. The parents marriage and then their first son was born. A few years later they were blessed with twins Aaron and Eric. They talked about the closeness of all the boys. And then one day they found out that Eric had a brain tumor. Eventually it became cancerous and Eric died at age 9. As you can imagine losing a child so young, the family was devastated. However Aaron's pain was even worse. And he grieved heavily. Well what I loved about this story is that when his parents took him to his medical doctor in desperate need of help for their son's grief. The doctor didn't put him on medication to "help" cope with day to day life. She reached into her purse gave Aaron some money and told him to go to the store and buy the things he needed to bake some cookies in honor of his brother. She wanted a list of the things he bought, etc. And that's where his business began. But I loved that the doctor gave him and outlet and helped him in the right way instead of pumping him with drugs and making things worse.
So as you can imagine Nate was not expecting to find this story when he went to the family's home. And the story touched him as it caused him to reflect on his own loss, etc. They talked about how the anniversaries were the hardest. And Nate talked to them about taking away the power in the dates. Not allow their grief to stop them from moving past the pain of the day Eric was born or the day that Eric died. (http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Nate-Helps-a-Family-with-Grief/1)
I wish I still had this episode on DVR so that I could watch it and take some pointers for myself. Who knew that just within a few weeks of watching this show my whole world would be turned upside down. So here I am trying everything I can to forget that my beautiful flower's Anniversary (a.k.a. birthday) is coming up. What makes this difficult is that we talked even if it was only briefly every year on that day. Last year I tried to tough it out and go to work any ways. And wound up home on my couch BALLING my eyes out. At least last year I could call her hubby. But right now... I kind of refuse to call him (my stubbornness). Why?
Because why would I do that to him or myself? He is moving on with his life, I'm sure he has some feelings about it, but why would I call him about his past, which would only affect his present, and he's focused on his future! It really sucks to go through this alone though, and I guess maybe that's what is bugging me more than anything else right now. I feel an emotional break down coming on... I gotta go for a walk, get some fresh air, and try to clear my mind. NEVER in a million years would I have thought that all of this would affect me as deeply as it has. It seems like only yesterday that I sat down to have dinner with my baby when Kim called me. I was in a good mood actually. I can remember stifling my screams as I was trying to hear Kim out as she told me that my flower was in the hospital and it didn't look good. I lost my air! I FLEW to the hospital and saw her husband in the hallway with beet red eyes. He tried to explain as much as he could to me, but I remember him saying, "she's gonna cry when she sees you". I thought I was going to be strong when I walked in that room it was packed with a ton of concerned people. And as usual Jasmine sat on her bed being the life of the party. She was cracking jokes and making everyone relax. I excused my way through the crowd, I sat on her bed and we wrapped our arms around each and CRIED! We sat like that for a good two minutes before she pushed me away and said, "get off me, you're making me cry and getting your germs on me". We all laughed, she always did that, made light of a serious situation. It feels like that was just a few minutes again. Like I can still feel her tears on my neck. FORGET this! I forbid anyone else to get sick and die until we're at least in our sixties. I know that's young to die, but I think I could handle it a lot better at that point. Not when we're young vibrant and still have children in elementary, middle, or high school. I don't know how to take the power out of the date. I wish I could learn that.

I cant wait to HUG her again. I wanna tell her everything that she's missed. And I wanna kick it HARD! Laughing my behind off, because she's just like me... such a clown.

RC

OK so there was a point and time in life when I had to think REAL hard about the last time I had gone to a movie. My finances just didn't allow me to go as often as I would've liked. Well, with all of the tragedies that have struck my family in the past almost three years I can honestly say that the film industry has made pretty nickel off of me without the luxury of a wonderful change in my finances. But we're not going to talk about that part. My baby knows the routine, I just don't feel comfortable about relaxing my head on a surface where any kind of bug or filthiness is lurking. SO, when we go to the theater we have to have hood with us, but this also applies to public transportation. Either we put them on our head of over the chair so we can relax, one or the other. But I demand that... just one of the makings of me. LOL! Anywho, so after making sure that I sit in the row with rail right in front of me so I can put my feet up, my baby brother a few years ago introduced me to Rialto Cinemas Cerritos. Its a small theater, they can only show no more than two movies there at a time. But I love the cozy at home feel of the design. First of all you can order wine or beer or both there.... SCORE! And they have a Full Kitchen and menu you can order from. You pay for your tickets and place your order with the chef. They give you a number that you take to your seat with you. I always shoot for the couch. One time we planned ahead and brought our blankets... JOYFUL BLISS! I love to go there and relax and watch a movie.
So yesterday I went and I went straight after work. It was my Tuesday evening spontaneous date with myself. Pullover in tow, I only indulged in popcorn this time. (Yes no alcohol or burger, etc.) But what made me laugh internally is as I switched lounging directions in on my couch. I had to sit up and move my pullover. I'm sure if someone was watching me there were like "Come ON!" Fortunately there were only two other people in the theater with me. But let me tell you. I always imagine going there on a date. Just kicking back on the couch watching a new release and feeling almost like we're at home. (SMILE) A useless daydream I know, but sometimes I cant help but fantasy about when its my turn. Oh well meanwhile that will be the place that I steal away to when I'm alone or just me and my baby...

My bed

OK so I know I'm going zebra print crazy! But every time I see it I want it. So I was supposed to be going to BevMo when Anna's Linen the store next door caught my attention. They were having a sale and what did I see? You guessed it zebra print. I was extremely EXCITED to find my zebra print bed in a bag on SALE might I just add. DUDE! So excited I was... but the excitement was short lived. When my life feels out of control my surrounding reflect that. You may call that an excuse, but its taken me years to understand this about myself. For the longest I couldn't understand why I would have good periods and bad period. And honestly if it was left to me I would be very meticulous about everything. I like that part of me, but it gets repressed and I don't know why. Anywho there's NO WAY I was gonna put my new set up without cleaning my room first. But my spirit wouldn't allow me. I guess you have to walk in the shoes of the truly dysfunctional to understand what I mean. So my set sat in its original bag waiting for me to get it together. Meanwhile I bought a couple of bathroom things to go along. This past weekend was the wedding and I told you how emotional upside I've been since then. Sunday although I should've been tired I came home determined to change my room around. Needless to say it took me all day and really I'm not finished because I didn't touch my closet which is screaming for help. But I like what I've done so far. I was looking for Royal or Sapphire Blue throw pillows for my room but I couldn't find any. That was frustrating. I even thought about making them myself. But I lack the sewing machine and the know how to make that happen. So I settled on these:

I still may actually go to the fabric store and make my own pillows. One day when I feel adventurous and creative. I hear pillows arent hard to make, I just wish I was crafty.

So in my bathroom I gotta get different towels I want the color to POP! Can you tell there's a purple towel in there?

But it has made me feel good to come home to such a nice bed. Its been quite a few years since I've bought any pretty stuff for my bed. And my bed was LONG overdue for a spruce up. I just need a few more things to complete my room. I would LOVE curtains as a decorative touch. However I think that would be over kill on the zebra. I was thinking on chocolate or silver. I don't know. My walls are already blue as you can see. So no point in putting up blue ones. Besides when I change my bedding I want it to still look nice. But I have no idea. I was thinking of adding a rug as well.

I need hooks for my closet as lately I keep buying purses and I have nowhere to put them. I bought this thing for the back of my door, but they always fall off. I was thinking of maybe getting some hooks from Ikea. A few for my purses and a few for my jackets, robes, and PJ's of the moment. Oh well I'm smiling big thinking of my room. CHEESE!

Post Wedding

OK so... Let me just say the wedding was beautiful! I will have to post pictures shortly. But everything was so nicely done and I had a good time DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY! OK so it was surprisingly warm in my neck of the woods. But I know it had more to do with me than the weather. As I was getting ready I broke out in a HARD SWEAT! I had to turn my fan on and almost get ready in front of it which wasn't convenient. The closer it got to putting my dress on the heavier I would sweat. Finally my body calmed down and I was able to put my dress on. Normally I do a once over or something in the mirror once I'm dressed but I didn't this time. Listening to Adele the whole hour long car ride, I tried my best to distract myself. Once we arrived I did take a few pictures but my smile felt forced. Once the rest of the guest started to arrive at the reception hall it came on. The song that makes me think of my beautiful flower and I always BALL like a baby when I hear it. Well fortunately people were talking at my table and I did my best to stay interested in their conversation. There was an open bar (BIG SMILES!) so my Tokyo Ice Teas helped me change the direction of my mind. Then we danced and danced and danced. Got home late, went to bed. Yesterday I stayed distracted by working on my room. And there's tears welling up in my chest. The wedding was beautiful, and I had a fabulous time, just wish my soul would agree with me. (sad face)

Million Touch Jagger

Have you seen this video? These days there aren't very many videos that make me want to dance. Or make me want to record them and play them over and over until I learn the moves. (Like I used to do in High School SMILES!)

There's something about Ne-Yo that makes me want to dance!

I think its because this video makes me think of Michael Jackson.

LOVE THIS VIDEO!

Yep! I can do that old school move! LOL!

I love the choreography!

The last time I felt this way about a video was Omarion's "Touch" video. BUT some of the moves were newer and I didn't feel as confident that I could master them.

But I loved the video all the same.

Oh but this one makes me want to dance:

Moves like Jagger! If you don't know.... now you know! LOL!

The wedding

OK, so I forgot to tell you what the end resolve was for the wedding this Saturday (that time has flown by).... I went shopping in my closet. At first I pulled out one of my bridesmaid dresses from my best friend's wedding. It fit but I didn't want to wear red to the wedding. Its beautiful Claret (THAT DOG GONE CLARET COLOR DROVE US CRAZY TRYING TO MATCH IT AT THE FABRIC STORE! We needed color swatches to send to those helping with the wedding who were out of the area.)  color but I didn't want to stand out. Then I stumbled upon a dress that I've only worn once. OK choke back the tears, I bought it to wear to my beautiful flower's tenth year wedding anniversary.This will be my first time wearing it since then. Trying my hardest not to have feelings about that part. Maybe my suppression is half of the problem. But the dress is pretty simple. Black satin and long, the straps are small but not spaghetti, not even close, but they're not thick if that makes sense. They have a little Rhinestone circle at the base of them. The dress is simply nice. Everyone wore black as requested by the couple. Then they wore white. The pictures came out really nice. Jasmine wore a white dress and her hubby wore a white suit & Fedora his hat looked like this:

And then the suit followed suit, it was white with a black shawl. Their boys were dressed like their father. They looked GREAT! It was a fun night. We danced, we ate, we drank... good times! Putting on this dress for the first time the other day felt weird, I had forgotten I even had this dress. Who knew five years later....

OK, but the point of this post was tell you that I went shopping in my closet and found something to wear. I have shoes and accessories to wear with the dress already. Including a purse I just bought. Now the purse is Black & Royal Blue (which is sometimes confused with purple) and it has a little Rhinestone closure. So YAY for me! I wanted to go to MAC and get my makeup done, but I don't know that I can afford it. Oh well. I will try to do my best to look nice. I cant believe the wedding is this Saturday... Wow! All of her planning will come to this day. I plan on having a blast. Will talk to you soon. ;o)

Ugly Duckling

One of my favorite shorts from Disney is the one about the Ugly Duckling. Because of  the way I grew up I can truly relate to this story. Not really fitting in with the people around you. They all look the same but you're the only one who looks different. Even adults can be and are just horrible when you don't look the way they think you should look.

You start off happy about yourself. Not really thinking one way or another. And then BAM! Here comes people with their interjections. And I don't care how tough your skin is, you cant get away from those situations without being affected even if its only a little bit.

Even the most optimistic person is gonna have feelings of doubt and self worthlessness.

All a lone without a friend in the world. The goal is overcome these feelings to find your worth from within and then to let it shine like a beacon at night right? That's the idea they try to sell all of us. But when you don't feel good about who you are its kind of hard to shine through the dark ugliness of depression.

The Disney Story stops here:

The Ugly Duckling finds its' BEAUTIFUL mother, and siblings that look just like them. And they go on happy and content with life. If only that were real. I struggle daily with the bad taste those mean ole Ducks left in my mouth. Sometimes I see the Swan in myself and I beg her to come out. But most days I still feel isolated, and ugly. Its one of the worse things to be in a room full of people and to feel completely ALONE! That has happened to me more times than I want to remember. I guess that's why I tend to look for those who are hanging in the corner their selves. People who I can relate to.
Well this one time I found this Swan, it was BEAUTIFUL! I loved it dearly, because it could totally relate to my experience as the Ugly Duckling, and then some. I thought our bond would last FOREVER stupid I know, but I really did. But alas that Swan couldn't let go of what those Ducks did to it. The Swan couldn't accept my affects of living as they did, and they faulted me for any attempts I made to give them what they never had. The Swan only focused on what I wasn't doing, never gave me credit for what I did until the threat of losing it all, was before them. Toxic! I try to move on and move past it, but moments like this one have me sitting here feeling like I'm being QUACKED at for not being enough. I guess I have more tears to shed. Good Grief! When will this be over?

Swollen Face

Yesterday I over slept and when I threw myself in front of the mirror I saw that my entire face was swollen. I tried to pull it together, tried to put some color on my face to wake it up. But my swollen face really just matched my soggy on the inside spirit. All morning I found it difficult to raise my head and look people in the face let alone in the eye. One person said I looked tired and I just agreed with them. I am tired.... What happened? Saturday I did a BAD thing. I watched a movie, I mean I knew the movie would be kind of sad, but I guess I didn't think it through.
Have you seen "My Sister's Keeper"

It was On Demand on my cable box, so I said what the hey, let me sit down and watch this movie. BAD IDEA! Kate has Leukemia.... and the room starts spinning for me right there. My beautiful flower died from complications of Acute Myloid Leukemia. I know the stories are totally different, but you cant say Leukemia to me with me freezing like a deer in headlights. I watched the entire movie, crying the whole time. And when the movie was finally over, I went into a deep and heavy heart mourning sob. My body couldn't produce tears large enough to express my pain. I sat there for a minute thinking should I call Jasmine's husband. I thought about explaining to him my aversion to his upcoming nuptials, etc. I even prayed on it, and then I remembered. I didn't and don't matter to him. His life is not hurting because I have feeling about him moving on before I'm ready for him to. So why should I call him? He was probably having a good day and my calling would've only been a major bummer or worse. Not wanting to argue I let it go. I went downstairs and made dinner for my family. I had a couple of drinks but I didn't drown my miseries in my drink... SURPRISINGLY!  Although I was no longer outwardly crying, I spent the rest of the weekend crying inwardly. My baby did their best and a good job of making the rest of yesterday light hearted and nice. I did cheer up some. BUT if you would've looked at me, especially in my eyes you would've said what's wrong. Only thing is when I say what's wrong no one ever knows what to say. I get that, nine times out of ten they change the subject... It feels so lonely over here.... Swollen face and all.

Music!!!!!

It started with a Lovely Jill Scott melody, jamming and grooving. The next thing I know.... John Legend comes on. The melody is familiar, but its not until he belts out his melancholy tune that it hits me. This was my ambiguous song dedicated to my child's father. (TEARS!) My mind wouldn't let me focus on the song like I wanted to, but I replayed the song more than four times and each time I would get distracted. (AGONY!) Now I'm sitting here wondering if he even remember that song or that I told him that song made me think of he and I. I remember it clearly. We were in my car, his car was in the shop (now I don't remember why or which one it was) but we were driving around the city at night when this song came on and I told him that this song made me think of us. He defensively listened closely, but never commented. Did he even hear me? Did he take it in? When he hears it again will it make him think of me as it has me him? NOT that I want him thinking about me... and not that I want to be thinking about him.

I constantly fight with myself about him and his memory. I love to downplay the significance of the roll he's played in my life. Regardless of everything, once upon a time we were really good friends. Once upon a time we were like best friends almost. Or at least that's what he was for me. I gotta keep reminding myself about the whole illusion. My interpretation of the past and his most times don't match, and more than likely never will. Oh well, I can say that I am thankful for the experience even if it was only real on my side. I can say at least that I know what I felt, and at times it was GOOD! And then there's the end.... ENDINGS ALWAYS HURT! ALWAYS!

Isn't it funny how music can do this to you? Whole day turned upside down now. Wow!

Sunday Dinner

OK so for the past two Sundays I've made dinner for my family. The Sunday before last we had a lovely meal together:

Smothered Cube Steak
Garlic Loaded Mashed Potatoes
Salad
Kale
WINE!

It was a LOVELY meal and my parents enjoyed it greatly! In an attempt to incorporate more healthy meals into my family's meal plan. I have been introducing everyone to Quinoa. Quite Frankly I LOVE IT! Unfortunately for her my sister doesn't like it, and if her children feel the same way they haven't spoken on it in my ear shot. But I think I will force it on everyone in place of rice. (evil smile) So this past Sunday we had:

Turkey Breast, Mushroom, and Quinoa mixture
Green beans
Asparagus
Salad
WINE!

But this time I added dessert to the menu since we did so well on dinner and we had:
Sweet Potato Pie (Sara Lee)
Brownies (Trader Joe's with Chocolate chips)
Homestyle Vanilla Ice Cream

My thing was no one could have both either pie or brownie, and ice cream. Not bad right.....

Well I'm already thinking ahead. And even though the reception I got this weekend had me more than a little irritated I think I will ignore my first inclination not to cook this Sunday and take on making Chicken Enchiladas Suiza! YES! YUM! I LOVE green chicken enchiladas. Spicy and TASTY! YES! My mouth waters a little bit at the thought of it. Now this is all pending my energy level on Sunday, but this is what I see my taste buds enjoying:

Chicken Enchiladas Suiza
Beef Enchiladas
Spanish Rice
Refried Beans or Black (haven't decided)
Salad
WINE! or maybe Margaritas (anything with Tequila!) LOL!
We'll see......

Winter Projects

Drum Roll!!!! I have three winter projects to complete.... count them off:

1. Paint and Organize my kitchen

2. Make a Carrot Cake

3. Make a Lemon Meringue Pie

you know what.... let me add one more dessert to the list so lets make it four......

4. Make a Sweet Potato Pie (My baby's favorite and really only pie that they like)

Kitchen
I have been looking on line for my borders and wall decals.

Things I will need
a. Paint
b. Zebra Print borders
c. Wall decal (currently looking to see if I can find a way to get that wine glass in there to make it all complete
d. Book Ends for my cookbooks
e. Binder with clear sleeves for the recipe print outs (OR!!!!!! Idea just hit me! Maybe I can organize them and take them to staples and have them bound like a book. YES!)

Carrot Cake
I will have to SEARCH the Food Network for a reasonably achievable carrot cake recipe.

Lemon Meringue
I don't know if Food Network will have what I need to make this pie great. I will be up against my father's palette and its my understanding that my grandmother's pie was phenomenal. So I need the not your average Joe's recipe to really knock this pie out the box. The search begins.

Sweet Potato
Ha! Thanx to blogger.com I think I have that DYNAMITE recipe for this pie. Just need to give it a try. My baby has a specific idea of how this pie should taste. So if my baby says it's good, that I know I've NAILED IT! (smiles)

So with all of this in mind is it even worth it to try and be on my program this winter? Hmmmm right after asking the question I thought about all the possible weight gain if I just do nothing at all. YIKES! Gotta get active! I see food in my future, and a kitchen that makes me wanna cook in it. LOL!

Jill Scott - Wake Up Baby

I can relate on SO MANY LEVELS! LOVELY SONG!

What to wear

OK so I'm chickening out! LOL! I really like this one dress BUT its one shoulder, long dress. Its really pretty, BUT I've never worn one shoulder and I don't know how it would look on me. I don't have a lot of time to think about it so either I'm gonna order it, or I'm not. What to do what to do? I don't know what to do.... I feel stuck! If I'm gonna order it I need to do it NOW! But I have no idea what that's gonna look like on me because I've never worn or tried on a one shoulder dress. And I would hate to buy it and then it looks all DUMPY on me. What to do? What to do?

UGH! Wouldn't you know when I FINALLY decide OK bite the bullet I'm gonna order it. Its not available!!!! UGH! ANNOYING! Back to the drawing board. Rolling my eyes!

1 year

Oh SNAP! I just realized that I've had this blog for over a year now. Sorry I missed the blogger-versary. Or however you say that... LOL! Yay me! I've been venting electronically for sometime now... hope I haven't bored you too much.

Conehead Love!

"If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar phase or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great. ~ Beldar Conehead"
I want a love like that! YES! This is an HILARIOUS way to say it, but thats what I want. I dont want to be replaceable. And even if you eventually replace me. Dont replace me right away. Wait the standard three years without looking and/or expressing an interest elsewhere. Focus on me and the good times we had together, respect our union and heal. YES! Ok that's what it is. I dont like how disposable it seems to feel like when a wife dies and her husband remarries right away. I dont care if he's young or old, respect your wife. I only really know of one man who waited that long, and I dont know if he waited that long willingly. But for my heart's sake I'm gonna imagine and pretend that he would have no one in his life for three years. And then one day he met someone who was worth getting to know deeply enough to even think about marrying her. Both of the men who have hurt me in this way would expect (if the shoe were on the other foot) their wives to remain single the rest of their lives. Even as I sit here finger clinking on the keyboard my chest is heavy as I understand that this is really the fit I'm throwing. NO RESPECT for both of the BEAUTIFUL women I knew and loved. I know others dont see things this way. (Every time I open my mouth someone is trying to talk me down from what I'm feeling) But to know me is to understand that when I feel this deeply about something just let me have it. EVENTUALLY I will come around (MAYBE) and then we'll go from there.
In the end my Grandfather and I never got passed our issues. When he passed I didnt cry, it hurt but it didnt move me to tears. You know what did move me to tears. Walking into my grandmother's home the next day. It was surreal, everything was just about the same as it was eighteen years ago when I went there to take my grandmother to the hospital. I could clearly see it all in my mind. The paramedics lifting her onto the gurny and taking her out to the ambulance. Following, as we made that last trip to the hospital. I remember sleeping in the empty bed in her room with her listening for her rattle as she tried to sleep. My mother made me leave to go to work, or else I wouldve been there when she passed away. No sooner than I arrived at work that I had to go home because my father called and she passed away. Walking back into that hospital room my knees buckled as if she knew what happening in me Tasha was right there and she caught me. Heart bleeding, I cant tell you where we went after that if I went home or to a family member's house. I cant remember, but I remember volunteering to drive to go pick up my cousin who was stuck in Chico (2 1/2 hours away from San Francisco). I drove my parent's Dodge van, stopping along the way for those who were with me as they got car sick vomitting on the side of the road. We were all tore up, and that pain has been with me since. A month or two later my Grandfather says "You gonna disown your grand-dad if he remarries?" My sister burst into tears and I said no comment as I ran after her to make sure she was ok. That's when our fued began. I was disrespectful because I didnt say anything he wanted was ok with me. In a sense he died May 25, 1993 with my Grandmother. Seeing him in the coffin hurt but I cant explain it. Tears came to my eyes and leaped out but not for him or the loss of him. It was official then, I no longer have any Grandparents. I could keep going but... I cant keep crying. He did remarry and the woman that he actually did marry is a beautiful woman. I just wish she couldve had a better man. So many hurtful truths came screaming forth after my Grandmother's death. I couldnt take it.
Then Jasmine......... her death was so COLD BLOODED to me. Her life wasnt easy at all, she was born and raised under struggles. Her marriage was a real one full of challenges and victories. She spent her entire adult life loving her husband and grooming him to be the man that he is today. Now he's remarrying and its like Jasmine died all over again. I cant handle seeing him feeling the way that I do, so I have to do the petty thing and ask if he's gonna be wherever I plan on going with my own family. I hate it everytime I have to ask, but it would KILL me to see him. Just like it would hurt to see my Grandfather, but I learned to just get angry or annoyed with him and then I wouldnt end up crying myself to sleep that night. Everytime I see Jasmine's husband without her it stabs me all over until the last time when I got to explain my actions in hopes that he didnt take my beahvior around Jasmine's passing as anything other than hurting. But alas I feel like I'm alone grieving her memory. I dont know if Dorjaun is mad at me or if he even cares. But now I'm afraid to reach out to him. As her son I know he's hurting but I kind of feel like I would only be making things worse, for me and him to know find out how he's truly doing right now.

All of this to say, that watching Coneheads last night summed up what I have been struggling to put into words. If I spend my life and energy loving someone, can I have at least three years of uninterupted dedication to my memory? Dont quickly remarry as if I was disposable and meant nothing to you. (My opinion of course) People seem to mourn divorces longer than this. Ok that's it, I'm done. If you havent seen Coneheads you gotta go see it. I hope it makes you laugh as it does for me.

PS
When my baby was born it had a conehead, and he father said, "my baby's gonna inhale subway sandwiches like this (mimicking the daughter)" That was a nice memory. (Smile.... well kind of)

My Kitchen Still!

OK so, I took the towel out last night and I shared my idea with my mom. She thought it would be pretty but I sensed a small hesitation on her part as well. OH WELL! When I put the towel against the wall and looked at the space that I'd actually have to cover... I got excited. Now my only draw back is that all my appliances are cream... But I don't care, is that tacky? I need to measure the wall just above the cabinets to make sure the border that I order from amazon.com isn't too wide. Right now that's the only hiccup I see. Yay me! Oh and my towel says "It's Wine O'clock" and I want a white stencil for the wall that says the same thing. It would be bomb (but I wont force it) if I could have the picture captured in the stencil as well. Its a wine glass and the liquid inside is zebra patterned.
(without the pink stem)

Freaking Awesome! I'd only need a gallon of paint, and this could TOTALLY be a ME project. I would take my time and execute it exactly as I envision it. LOL! Oh what FUN! I like to paint because I like to watch the wall change color and become the back drop to something totally different. I know a lot of people don't notice the walls. But I ALWAYS do, I love colors, I cant stand white walls. SO BORING! Even if its only a sand color please don't neglect giving your walls some life and color.

My Kitchen

A few months ago I went to Napa with some friends (my 1st time going) and we went to a few wineries. I was very HAPPY! And during my happy rant I found a kitchen towel that was ABSOLUTELY beautiful to me. Its a dark plum/purple color, and it has a cocktail glass on it and the boarder is black and white zebra print. In my HAPPY excitement I told my friend that I wanted to paint my kitchen that color and I would use that towel for inspiration. Well imagine my surprise when I found that she bought the towel for me. Whenever I have a moment to think of the improvements I can make to my house, and I think of my kitchen. Right now its a lousy cream color (I HATE WHITE WALLS and almost white). I want to take the towel to Home Depot and have them create paint for me in the same color. I figure I could use Black, White, and Chrome Items in my kitchen. Now when I told my father my idea he said "that's going to make the kitchen dark" and he did not approve. Is it bad that his comment makes me want to do it more? LOL! No disrespect dad but the cream in the kitchen is not doing it for me. And its not like I would be covering a lot of space with the color anyways. The rest of the house needs to painted as well. But I am on the fence about my color choice. I know that Lighter colored walls bring space and light and air to the house. Unfortunately I have too much traffic thru my house and the transients don't know how to keep their hands and other appendages off the walls. Now I plan to continue to fuss about it, but I would prefer not to see hand prints on my walls first thing as I walk into a room. Any who I digress. I have a question. Can I find this:

as a wall paper boarder anywhere? I would like this to go across the top the wall in the kitchen. AND!!!!! A wall decal of some sort for the kitchen. Even if it was only a Martini glass. I would love it. Question is, where do I find it. My parent's 42nd wedding anniversary is coming up in December, I will have folks over as usual. I wonder if I could get at least the kitchen done before then? I guess I should look for the boarder. I find that its on!