Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dont smile at me!

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but don't smile at me. You see it use to affect me differently when you would smile at me. I saw you differently back then. I guess I shouldve paid attention to the impression that hit me the first time you didn't do what you said. I guess I shouldve attention to the negative vibe I got whenever I mentioned her. I gave it all up for the idea of who you were. You said weren't interested, and that was fine because you made that appear to be a statement across the board. So silly me I tolerated the flirting, etc when you clearly said.... But then one morning you were honest with me and I appreciate that. Its not that you werent available just not available to me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your honesty. However, everything has changed now. I don't know what game you're playing or if you're confused about who you are and what you want. But don't smile at me anymore because you don't make me smile anymore. Don't try to run that game on me anymore I am no longer affected by you in that manner. I guess eventually we'll be like everyone else and say hey and keep it moving. But as for today it feels like a game, and I'm not playing. I don't have time or the tolerance for games and for people who play them.

Fighting the Dark times!!!

Ok so here I sit. Trying my darndest to be up beat. Not the person I feel inside. I was actually aware of my hormonal inbalance last week. Lack of an outlet left me feeling sad and worthless. I'm still trying to bounce back from feeling this way... but its hard when I feel like all that is me is going to waste.

Nope he wasnt the one. But it fun to enterain the idea of him being the one. To finally have what I've wanted my entire life. Yea well honestly as usual I feel like things like that are meant for other people. As for I dont get to ever have that. Things ALWAYS have to be more difficult for me. I couldnt be just a normal little kid growing up in this crazy world. So selfish FREAK had to steal my innocence and set the scene for many more preditors to follow. People always say you have to value yourself first... well I've never really felt valued enough to do right by, by anyone. Those FREAKS couldnt, wouldnt, and didnt say hey this child is worth allowing to grow up unharmed. My father not to hurt our family, and my mother to say she was worth more just because I'm her daughter. I only feel badly for my mother.. With everything she's been through she's still who she is, and unfortunately she cant see how amazing she is.
It hurts me that she puts herself (and others) down even if only in her mind because of weight. She's worth more than that. I hate that until this very moment I didnt realize that I get that aspect of my personality from my mother. I know how I feel about me... I struggle with it daily. There's something inside me that says fight to be better! I fight to see myself differently! Knowing that Jehovah values me has been life changing! Still I find it difficult to see what he sees. I guess this is me for a while... SOGGY ON THE INSIDE! But putting on a smile for the world. Oh well! It could be worse right?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I'll say a prayer!

2day is Zimo's sixth year anniversary.  I sent her a message on Facebook wishing her a happy anniversary. I wish I could do more than just say happy anniversary. I wish I could say it was just this economy that has my money funny but that wouldn't be the truth. About a year an a half the unthinkable happened. I been running from that reality ever since. I went to the movies last year more than I think I have n my life! Anything I could find to distract me from the elephant in the room. I used to be the responsible one and now.... I'm just barely getting by. I keep praying for a miracle, but Holy Spirit tells me to be practical. So all that to say my money is SO funny it ain't even funny. I couldn't do better than sorry Happy Anniversary over the web. Stuff like that keeps getting me down. I cant afford too much of anything. But somehow Holy Spirit keeps my family afloat. Trying really hard not to be sad today.... I just don't know what to make this blog about? Emotionally I have been a mess all day but I cant figure out why. Honestly I haven't wanted to find out either. I want to have a rough night tonight... My child has a friend over tonight so I'll be alone with my thoughts. I'm actually up in my room away from their eyes. Hoping to just enjoy the evening, but I can already see this is going to be a long night. I know I'll say a prayer now while I still can then rest my eyes.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thinking some more

And so I'm back.... :o) Just sitting here thinking... I don't really know what I want this blog to be about. I have so much healing to do and I'm hoping to get some of that from just writing and putting it out there on the web forever....

I'm at a stand still in my weight loss journey... UGH! I gotta go back to the right way of eating but I've been seduced by the foods of my heart. I gotta get back on track. I'm twenty pounds down and I am thankful for that, but I have so much more to go. I originally said I wanted to lose 100lbs... yes 100 would be too much... but I wanna be able to say, "Ok, I guess I need to gain some weight..." :o) But realistically if I could lose 65lbs more I think that would be PERFECT! And even then depending on who's looking at me they may say that's too much. But its about where I wanna be, and where I'm going to feel good about my health and body... but even more important I'm going to take it one day at a time.

I gotta get Maggie ready! One day when I meet the man of my dreams I want to wear a Maggie Sottero dress. I wanna feel like I look good enough to take engagement photos. When I walk down the aisle I want to feel beautiful! I already know my colors, and I have certain details in mind for my ceremony and reception venue. The budget will determine how the reception goes. I don't know what style of dress, as I've never tried a bridal gown b4. Wait I take that back, I tried one on once for my brother's wife and it was horrible. WHITE! It was not flattering at all, but I was twenty pounds heavier or maybe even more. But man!

And the Bomb man! What does he look like? He has his own relationship with Jehovah! Patient! Loyal! Responsible! Affectionate! Imaginative! Open minded! Patient! Someone that I can be attracted to, I'm not really interested in gorgeous, but nice looking. Someone I can sing "There goes my baby" n my heart about. Someone who embraces family and enjoys having a large family and having them around. Um I'm running out of energy... so I'm going to stop now... nite all.....

Thank you Zimo

And we're off! Thank you Zimo for suggesting this cool new way for me to complain, whine, and share my life with the world. We're going to start today on a better day. Last night I was VERY emotional. The journey to a better to me is definitely a bumpy one. As I sit here and think about it.... hmmmmm..... I think its been about seven years of me actually trying to honestly get it together. And although that may seem like a long time, seven years compared to my entire life.... hmmmmm not so much. Each day is an accomplishment if you ask me. I'm a work in progress and I'm working on a master piece! :o)

I gained over fifty pounds during my pregnancy... lost thirty right away and was on my way back to the old me when the WHOA's of life settled in on me. And my weight starting heading in the opposite direction. I gained that thirty and then some back. Currently I'm on a mission to see me in the mirror. How often do you truly look at yourself when you look in the mirror? I know I cant be the only person who doesn't really look anymore. Just the other day I happen to catch a glimpse of my face and I actually said to myself, "not bad". I'm not ugly although sometimes I tell myself that I am, and I actually have a pretty decent base... everyone isn't as fortunate so I guess I should be appreciative. But when the troubles of life start closing those four walls in on you, its just easier to say its my fault I wasn't pretty enough, or I'm not good enough than to really look and see what the issue is. Yea so I'm working on that.

I actually had a thought the other day... why don't I deserve to be me? Why don't I deserve to be healthy, tidy, dressed, and hair WHIPPED? Why does she deserve it and I don't? I didn't have an answer, but if I know me well enough a change is coming on.

I'm sure some day soon I'll share more about me and my back ground, but as for now. Just know I'm a single parent (although my child's father hates to hear it, he's a part of our child's life. But the fact is I'm single and I'm a parent that equals a single parent.) although I would love to be married I just haven't mastered turning off the dysfunction switch. You know the switch that allows you to attract a wonderful addition to your life and not another traumatic end. Unlike most I grew up with both of my parents in the home. A father that I adored and a mother who I later learned to treasure for everything that she is. I was born a daddy's girl! Oh my daddy was my EVERYTHING! As long as I had my dad why would I ever need anyone else? That's the way I felt growing up. Sadness for me was when I didn't feel heard by the only man who mattered. My mother was ALWAYS open to us being close, but at the time I preferred the closeness of my father. When I was 18 I married the WRONG one! I quickly fell in love with my mother. I then realized and appreciated everything she went through just stay with my father. Daddy was still my number one, but Momma was now my number one point five. Then one day my parents invited me over for a heart to heart talk. My world and perception changed drastically. My parents were having problems and my heart bleed for my mother. But being the strong woman she is, she decided to stick it out and fight for her marriage. Honestly I admire her strength but I cant do it. My relationship with my father hasn't been the same, but I know he loves me which has made me soften a lot. But sometimes I'm so angry with him for not loving me enough to be right, that it just depresses me. My parents are people too right? They have issues just like I do, and the more I remind myself of this the easier it is to be with them and appreciate them for who they are.

Lets see, I have three brothers and three sisters, I'm the oldest. The other momma, if you let them tell it. :o) I call them all my babies although my sister and I are not even two years apart in age. For the longest time it was just the three of us and then the last four came and back to back at that. The youngest is eighteen and so lost in my opinion, but there may be hope for him yet.... The oldest sister and I are the only ones with children so far. THANK GOODNESS! I keep urging them all to wait, but I remember thinking I knew it all too. Sometimes you gotta fall before you can stand.

Both of my parents come from LARGE families so I have a ton of uncles, aunties, and cousins... I love it! It tickles me to hear someone oh do you know such and such... and then I smile and say that's my family and then I watch then recount what they said hoping probably praying that they didn't say anything out of line. :o)

I have a small (but larger than some) network of friends. Some of them overlap with family but how could it not with such a large family. I have a best friend and soul sister number one, and then close friends, and then my friends. What's funny is how, when my dad was my everything I had more guy friends than females. But since then my friends have really only been female. Don't get me wrong I have some guy friends but they are considered brothers not friends, but I'm not close to any of them any more. I guess that's just the point I'm at in my life. Zimo suggested this blog for me... and as you can see I'm long winded and could go on and on. But I think it is a good place to stop for now. So its nice to meet you, hope I kept you entertained somewhat. :o)