Monday, December 15, 2014

The heart wants what it wants

I remember being so caught up in what my heart wanted that I couldn't see straight. It's difficult to see past your heart when it leads the wrong way. It took a lot to finally decide to remove my heart. Even more to put my foot down and demand to be left alone. 
When I'm finally in a place where I can say I'm free here you come. I sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop. Holding out for what I need may lead to a lifetime of loneliness. Settling for what's in front of me may not turn out to be a settlement at all. However it's too early to know. I thought of things I wanted to tell you, but now...... I'm holding, waiting to see what you say next. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Blast from the past

Although physically unseen you're here. My blast from the past took me WAY back to yesteryear. Back to a day when we were BFF's and I naively thought that would always be the case. 
As I eagerly await the moment that my caller ID announces that it's you're on the other end my brain swishes as I remember the good and not so good times we shared. 
During a very turbulent time in my life you were my ray of sunshine. I remember our time together like it was yesterday. I'll never forget how we met, how our friendship started, the good times, the bad times, and how we ended. 
Even if you never call, your excited response to the current day me will forever warm my heart. I didn't feel judged or like I should be ashamed of what's become of me. Your acceptance of me provokes my acceptance of you. Friends we were, and friends is what I hope we will be. I miss you old friend! 


I come from a rather large family. I love all my siblings and parents dearly. Sometimes when you're a part of such of a large group it can be hard to find your voice. You would think that the ones who were raised in the same home with you would think like you do on most matters, and it can be a shock to the system when you don't see eye to eye. Even worse when you realize that there are grudges held against you for things you could not control. 
I am the oldest of this group of children. When my mother was pregnant with my sister, she told me "we" we're having a baby. I tell you, I took those words to heart. Although my sister and I are not even two years apart, I did my best to mother her. One of our reoccurring arguments was that I was not her mother, but I assumed the role of mother to all of my siblings. To this day, it's very hard not to assume this role. 
The sad and frustrating part can be when my siblings expect the unachievable from me. Sometimes some expect me to continue to mother them but only when it's convenient for them. 
The last almost ten years has been a series of me rejecting the mother role. As a single parent I could not maintain the role of the mother for my siblings. Most understand this and appreciate this. But there are those who tend to throw fits when I don't yield to them. I am "not the momma!" Taking time for me should be something that is applauded by everyone, sadly it is not. Protecting my child and putting them first should be respected, but it's not. 
In the end my youngest sibling gave me feedback on something another sibling told them about me and I was shocked. It didn't even sound like me, and it hurt to know that I'm seen that way. But what can I do to change the way someone chooses to see me? All I can say is wow and keep it moving especially since this person would rather run and tell others I'm this way or that way, but doesn't say anything to me. Even though we grew up in the same house that person doesn't know me at all. So this is my vent to the Internet to get certain things off my chest. Then I'm done with it. 
This particular sibling has a wonderful capacity for love, and I've always valued that about them. However their constant demand to be included in everything has cost them a lot. The notion that I would carry them when I was barely standing is what has forever ruined our relationship. What goes around comes around and it came back to you twice and each time you missed the point or lesson. All I can do is wait, hopefully this sibling will figure it before I'm gone. Either way blood is supposed to be thicker than water, but you poured water all over it made it thin and then pointed your finger at me when the blood was gone. 

NFL Heart Attack

I would like to start off by saying that I love my Niners, however this season has proven to be WHOA! I'm holding my breath hoping we make it to the playoffs.