Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Vitamin D

OK, So all my lab results are in. And the only MAJOR point of notice is that I am Vitamin D deficient. So I have to take a prescription for that, but other than that my levels are all within normal range. Some may say GOOD, but I say how good? I printed out all my levels and the past four year's numbers so that I can compare my numbers. I also printed some information about each test. Tonight I will be reading up on where I actually fall in each category and then ways to improve those numbers. Yes, I am a little phobic right now. But my people that I love and care about keep passing away, and it scares me. Yep, I'm internalizing everything but oh well what else can I do?????

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sitting here with a HEAVY heart!

OK so, about two days ago I noticed a pain in my chest as I attempted to cross my arms. INSTANTLY my brain went into FULL alarm! Three of my Aunts (one who lost the battle) have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer on my Father's side and one on my mother's. I immediately made an appointment with my OB/GYN as I was due for my three year check up any ways. I could barely sleep last night due to anxiety about it and other things but we'll get to that in a minute. I was so anxious this morning that I just knew my blood pressure would be up when I got to the office, but actually my pressure was pretty good. With all my anger issues, I just know that's gonna hit me one day. I try my hardest to avoid lots of salt, etc because I know where it leads. But any who, after talking with the doctor and although she found nothing to alarm her she still sent me for a mammogram so that I could rest easily tonight. I was near tears in that office, who am I kidding a few tears escaped my eyes. OK so mammograms.... not the business, but it is what needed to happen. Afterwards I called my parents and my mom assured me that if there were anything wrong they would've said something right away during the visit. OK makes me feel better. But I'm still nerved up... OK so then the other part....

I don't understand this game.... something doesn't add up for sure. I mean solitary observation for about a year. Well not completely solitary because I was aware of it. But I didn't think much of it as he didn't speak on it. When he finally made a move I was receptive. Then things started happening and I showed that I was open to the idea... then he shot me down. HURT my feels for sure. Took me a minute to just admit I was hurt by it and to just let it go. So when I calm down, here he comes again, only this time I keep telling myself don't fall for it. He's saying the same things he said before which leads nowhere, and he only asked for your friendship. I don't understand why his friendship has to feel like its intended to be more than he says he wants it to be. I don't understand that? So my mind wonders what it is that makes him conflict his self this way. I tell myself not to care, but I'm not as cold blooded as I would like to be. :o(  Still! I know better than to act on it or even speak on it. Just trying to take the compliment as a compliment but keep it moving. Easier said than done, but it is what I'm trying to do. I dont understand how you're supposed to feel special about something you cant get excited about? Maybe that's just it... this isnt the right glass slipper for me. :o( I know how much I wanted it to be, but when it doesnt add up, it doesnt add up.