Sunday, November 28, 2010

The way we were

OK, so I finally sat down and watched this movie. Thanx to my lovely romantic cousin, I had the opportunity to FINALLY see this movie. Its a good movie! But you know how sometimes when you're watching a movie it like that song. "Killing me softly with his song.... tellin my whole life with his words killing me softly!" Goodness, if only my story would've ended that way. Us going our separate ways, me still secretly loving him but moved on with my life and being true to myself. Instead my man was WAY more selfish than Hubble and he just..... he's made it impossible to even look back. Last night my dream betrayed me and in it I kissed him. You have no idea how much the thought of that make me want to cry even now, and throw up a little bit in my mouth. There are just some lines you cannot cross with me and he did it. I don't know why he did it, and we don't really talk about it. We keep it cordial for the child's sake, or is it? Yesterday he came back from the South, he's now making booty calls around the country y'all. But he wanted to visit our child here, which is interesting since EEEWWWLLL! Any ways I was busying myself on the computer but he wanted to show me his poetry again and talk to me. WHY????? The world may never know, its like he's searching for something, what I'll never understand. But we cant be friends, cordial but not friends, I loved him too much once upon a time. I loved him so much that like the typical female I put his happiness ahead of mine, and I was miserable. But all I wanted was to be with him, I wanted that so badly that I couldn't see how we weren't meant to be together. You know how it feels like "when is this going to happen" especially when you have the nod from his family members. I mean his parents were trying to tell me, clue me in if you will but I was so blinded by my love for him that I couldn't understand them.
Memories like the corners of my mind! Watching that movie I could see the very idealist way I look at that man, he was my everything. NOW! It angers me to think of him in current day. I can remember so well how much I loved him and I can still smell it. But when it comes to current feelings I wish it ended with disappointment and let down. But NO he took it too far. I don't understand why, and I'm not sure I wanna know why. Now I feel sad and hurt, disappointed beyond belief. I don't feel stupid for loving him, we're all fool in love. I just wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time on him. I struggle with moving forward. I want a family of my own and a husband who belongs to me. I honestly don't believe I'll find that on this side. That PAINS me! I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, its been two and a half years since I truly and totally let go of the idea of he and I. You would think it doesn't hurt today as much as it did when I came to the realization that it wasn't gonna happen. All I know is when its obvious to you that someone doesn't have your best interest in mind and it becomes hard to remember the last time they were truly there for you.... you gotta move on and let it go. You may not want to but you have to. And the day you realize that you're not being a good friend to your self, behind being there for someone else.... the handwriting is on the wall. Whether you can understand it yourself or you need Daniel to translate, ITS OVER!

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