OK so for YEARS, I had been hearing about this movie Good Will Hunting. I had never seen it, then one day my child had company and I could be alone in my room to watch a movie, and although the rating of this movie is one I should avoid I watched it anyways. I didn't get to watch the whole movie and there were critical points when people seem to know I needed to pay attention and they would call me or come in my room. UGH! Yep this movie had my absolute attention. So I put it on my DVR and now whenever my child isn't around I sit down and I watch it. The language is HORRIBLE! However, past that I can relate to the story... This movie makes me think of every man/boy that has played a role no matter how major or minor in my life. I honestly feel like I pick up on the dysfunctional attributes of a person before I pick up on their heart. I guess the dysfunctional have a way of doing that. My thing is that I don't like the ones that look for ways to harm others. Like your self esteem is so low that you intentionally look for opportunities to hurt others around you. I sometimes feel that I am the queen of dysfunction, however I don't like making those around me feel bad. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean that you should make others feel bad. So watching Good Will, I can see it. The girl he loves, but he's afraid to love for fear that she's gonna hurt him. Oh BOY! Do I know how that feels. I mean I have NEVER loved a man like I loved him. I can still feel how much it hurt to love him when I actually take a moment allow myself to feel anything in regards to him. It hurt to love him, but it made me feel good to be able to give him something I know he's NEVER had. Honestly when I think about it, I'm afraid to love anyone else like that again. The end HURTs too much, to even think about trying again. There was that one little attempt earlier this summer, but another dysfunctional attempt. I could see it, but I was trying to dismiss it. Now I'm trying to purge that NASTY taste from my mouth, I should've continued to ignore him. Yea I caught him staring at me, and I became aware that he was watching me.... but I shouldve continued to ignore him. Let him step if he ever planned to, and then naturally turned myself off to the idea. LOL! Cause that one.... hmmmmmm, he hit me like my play brother. So insecure about their self that they had to have dang near perfection around them. Maybe he's not extreme about things like my brother, like he doesn't drive the most expensive car, and he doesn't live in the most expensive place. However the emphasis he puts on his lifestyle and nice surroundings.... that was a red flag. Not that we couldn't be friends, but that wasn't the way things started or were going and then abruptly the breaks.... PUMPED! I shouldve continued to ignore him, eventually we would've been friends or cordial strangers.... oh well. Now I cant even look at him, the fire that stirs in my stomach from even being drawn in. I don't take rejection well and I avoid people to avoid being rejected that's how I self protect. UGH! Then I have the nerve to feel guilty about shutting him out. Cant stand being me sometimes, I care about hurting people they care about hurting me or not.
So then we have Tyler and Oprah. You know I've been seeing it in his movies from jump. I knew exactly where Madea's Family was going when the girl referred to her step father as EVIL! And his movies since then... I could see it coming. Then he's on Oprah pouring out his heart.... makes me wonder if he's in the place where he can be good to others? Yep, he's the type of man I'm drawn to. That's not fair to me, normally men like that don't know how to be good to the person in their life. But I am the dysfunction magnet! OK and then Oprah her show has had a few episodes that have made me self examine myself. Ask myself HARD questions, and actually look for answers. I do understand that my weight loss challenge is mental. I get it, and I'm getting to the place where I feel like I'm worthy of being the person I used to see in the mirror. I miss my face. I miss seeing me, I now have a different appreciation for it.
Oh how I want to get my grown girl on now. I wanna be good to myself, dress nicely, live in a nice house, wear nice clothes.... be good to myself. My new focus is being good to myself... That's going to be really hard to be, but I'm looking forward to it. All the love and patience I showered on that man once upon a time, I'm ready and trying to figure out how to give it to myself. I don't wanna walk this planet alone, but being that I only attract and am attracted to the dysfunctional that's a recipe for disaster. I don't like drama and mess so I guess this means I'm gonna have to go it alone. Today that thought doesn't swallow me up, but I make no guarantees for tomorrow.
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