Almost there

OK so the weather forecast has changed yet again. It went from possible showers to clear with highs in the 70's for the entire stretch of my trip. Yay! Not overly excited anymore as I have done the typical me things to rob me of my joy. :o( I just don't perform well under the pressure of the unknown. I will have a good time because I will be with AWESOME people, but hoping and wishing for anything amazing in my direction is OVER!
I have a little more packing to do. My cousin is coming to pick me up at 6:30am sharp, and he's a "on-time" type person. So that means I need to be ready by 6:15 at least. I have restricted myself to nothing stronger than wine for this trip. As it turns out this trip.... its an attempt to mask the pain that I feel right now. Oh well, only worry about the things you can change right? I wish that was easily done, at least in my case its not. I worry about everything until I don't care anymore. And since the events of this weekend bring me emotional pain its kind of hard not to care about what's hurting me.
So what if I'm the ONLY person in the world to understand how I feel or to even care. To know me is to know that all my venom stems from the pain I feel. And if you knew that you wouldn't try to reason with me, judge me, or change my mind. When I was talking to Neville he said although others maybe going through the same things or even worse your experience is unique to you. It warms my heart to at least have felt understood by the last person I would have thought would get it. From where I sit my situations are always unique to me because there are certain things that I fight for, some that I should fight for, and some that I ask why didn't you fight at all? I know I let Jasmine down, and I'll spend eternity trying to explain that to her. Although we talked about it, some fights in theory are not easily executed. Last night I was driving home and the car in front of my had the spare tire attached to the back of the car. The cover over the tire mentioned the dealership and city of location. Palo Alto, California. My heart became heavy as I thought of Jasmine and the life she had there.
PMS kicking my butt? YES! But the timeline in play here isn't helping either. Regardless of everything else, when I walk out the door Friday morning I'm leaving all of this on my bed. I'm going to have a ball and for the first time in a LONG time enjoy myself and not worry about being in service to anyone else. Call it selfish if you want to, but I've spent my life that way and its about time that I have some enjoyment for me. I'm gonna miss my child, and I will hurry home to be with them. But I'm gonna enjoy being away for the first time. Yay! No secret (which was never really a secret) boyfriend to rush home to. No loyalty to anyone but myself. Single as the description on my birth certificate. BUT not looking to squish any square pegs into a round hole. Just going to get away....If only I could afford a Spa day, cause I really believe that's what I'm needing right about now. I hope my silly EXCITED self kicks in. I really wish she would appear right now. She makes me LAUGH! I could use a good laugh right about now.

Truly Amazing and Inspiring

http://thebellavitaofhair.blogspot.com/2012/01/old-hollywood-glamour-photo-shoot.html

Ok so she lied

Friday I found myself wandering the mall. I knew I wanted to find a small travel friendly umbrella. But I had some time to kill, so I mozied over to the mall. We actually stepped into the Ashley store, and to my delight I did see a lot of the things I saw online (but I didn't see the zebra print dress). I tried on one of their bras, I HATED the way it fit me and when I explained to the Associate in the store how it fit me she said I needed a "bigger" size I ran out the store in horror! LOL! I know a lot of women want what they don't have, but thanks to my daddy's family I'm not lacking in the bosom area. It is a challenge most days to find something that fits them and still makes me look nice. The fit was not right on this bra and I refuse to buy a bigger size. I will stick to Frederick's Of Hollywood. They carry my size and it fits right every time. I may go back try another style at Ashley, but Friday wasn't the day. So we're walking around the mall and I see "EZ Eyebrow" on the upper level. And I remember they used to have a booth in the middle of the mall. Now they have store space. We stood in the doorway looking at the pricing sign. My hands INSTANTLY broke into a sweat... Why you ask? Um well, this whole be a girl thing is still something that I'm slowly breaking myself into. And I know that getting my eyebrows done HURTS! So I asked the lady who approached us if it hurt. They had a video going, which showed the whole string process. Then she said "No it doesn't hurt..." so I nervously said OK. I sat in the slanted chair. And another woman comes over to actually do the work. The woman who told me no, disappeared in the back. She was probably laughing knowing that she just LIED to me. So this was my first time like this... and all I can say is OUCH! It hurt so bad I had to twitch my leg. I wanted to jump out the chair and RUN! But I didn't want to run around like this:

So I sat there and endured. It went pretty fast, thank goodness. And in the end I liked the outcome... but I tell you.. the things girls go through in the name of beauty!

Oh Ashley!

I LOVE THIS!!!! I'd wear blue shoes though.


And now the 10 jumpsuit!!!! Kind of LOVING the option!


Why does this sheath dress call me? I don't know why but it does.

I think I'm starting to really dig this store online. I love the actual location in the mall as well. However, plenty of times I walk in and walk out empty handed.

Dont believe the HYPE

The weather man, or http://www.weather.com/ for that matter says that it will be RAINING on the SUNDAY of my trip. Insert poutty face... It does rain in southern California Tony, Tone, Toni lied to me. LOL! How in the world am I going to pull off true cuteness while maintaining warmth? Oh well off I go to find a cheap umbrella that will hopefully travel well.

With each day

OK so, the excitement is building, just a little over a week to go. My cousin and I have talked almost everyday and we are just TOO excited about our get away. Needless to mention the things that will be happening in the Bay that my heart cant handle this is the very much so needed escape just in the nick of time. I keep looking at my plane ticket in amazement that I am flying somewhere like an actual grown up. BIG SMILES! I need to be away from here and ALL the people who cause me no peace of mind (excluding my baby of course, I will miss them) . For various reasons whether I'm worried about them or uncertain about them... it will be nice to be away from it ALL! I went shopping in my closet and I found my most comfortable but fashionable shoes. I just need to get the heel fixed on one of the shoes and have whomever look at the other one to make sure its not next to need a new heel. Trying to find a shoe repair shop is difficult as most people just throw their shoes away. But like I said these shoes are COMFORTABLE and cute. They'll be perfect for me over the weekend. I hope I find a repair shop. I was looking online, and I only found places with BAD reviews and none were recent. I guess I should look close to my job as I was looking at places only close to my home. As you can see I'm just rambling and going over my mental check list. I will be washing clothes this weekend. And I guess I'll take out the suitcase tonight... YAY! I'm excited! BIG CHEESE!

Purple's the next best thing

If I cant find my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE color ROYAL BLUE then Purple tends to be the next best thing. In fact some times my fav color is mistaken for Purple. NO! ROYAL BLUE is my ultimate color followed by Cobalt Blue. Sometimes however blues are too hard to find and the Blue that may be available may not strike my fancy like the hue of the Purple available. And let's face it, sometimes its easier to find Purple than it is to find Blue. Where is this coming from? Well remember my browse over Ashley Stewart's site? Remember the little black dress? I kept thinking about the purple version. I kept going back and looking at it. And wouldn't you know they marked my dress down even further... How could you not find $20 a steal? SO.... I think you know what came next.... the egg... LOL!



Now I hope this dress cooperates with the girls and gives me my desired look. It should be here in a week. I'll let you know if the dress cracks up to be all that I wanted it to be. Excited!



This top is the same as the dress in the previous post. The one where you can change the design at the top to find a figure flattering style for you. I'm tempted to try it. Maybe since this one isn't on sale I'll go by the store and try it on. But I am truly intrigued by the design and options.

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay!

My lovely home!

So the other day I went for a walk on the Marina with my puppy. The beauty of the day consumed me. SO I had to take a picture, in an attempt to share what I was experiencing. When people normally hear of my Bay Area city, its not painted so nicely. And a lot of the times for good reason. But on days like this one I remember why I love the Bay and am proud to call it home.

O 2 Ikea!

O IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! Rewind time almost thirteen years ago, I went ot New York with a group of friends. I can see it like it was yesterday, its amazing how time flies. A group of single galls hanging out with the local single gall having a GREAT time! And to think all but two of our group are now moms. At the time I was the ONLY mom and they seemed to think it was funny (probably a bit annoying) that every time we stood still I was calling to check on my child. I bet they understand the feeling now, and probably question why I went in the first place.
Any who... one afternoon before we set out on our way we were hanging out in the bedroom of a beautful Brown Stone, flipping through magazines and getting ready for our next departure. We stumbled across an Ikea catalog... Instantly we were in love. And now when I say we I mean Zimo and I. They still carry the style to this date, but we fell in love with the Loft like bunk bed. Oh to be young again, because today nothing about that bed attracts me at all. Climbing to sleep, climbing for mid-night bathroom breaks, etc. But we feel in love with the store through the catalog. I would have catalogs sent to me all the time.
THEN! A couple of years later they build a store out here on the West Coast. Que the choir! AWWWWWWWWW! Normally I would wait for the location to stop being a novelty before I would go and explore. But I couldnt wait. I went IMMEDIATELY! And yep! I was in LOVE! I fell in love with a bed, but by the time I could afford it they no longer sold that design. I bought two dressers from there, and happily brought them home and assembled them. I just laid the last one to rest last year after ten plus years. I've bought quite a few items from there, and each time I have been happy with my purchaes.
NOW!!!!! Here I stand... I need a new entertainment center, couches, bookshelfs, the whole nine... and YAY for me that IKEA is there to help me do this. My budget is so TIGHT that its just about nonexistnent. So places like IKEA are always winners in my book. I used their planning tool to put together a low budget but uniformed entertainment center. I like that I can customize the items to make it fit my needs. I know there's tons of furniture stores out there. But in this economy I cant afford the prices. So I will be piecing together the parts I need until eventually I have them all. I just wanna say THANX IKEA! You will provide with the tools I need to FINALLY make my house a home. And at a pace my pocket book can handle.

A mother's appreciation

There's nothing like a woman who appreciates being a mother, appreciates having a family, and is joyful to share it with the world. Reading this post.... touched me. http://deliacreates.blogspot.com/2012/01/thoughts-on-motherhood.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DeliaCreates+%28delia+creates%29

I remember when I felt like there was someone missing from my family. I remember when having another child consumed my thoughts. I was willing to do it at all cost. The other day I actually felt that pain. For those of you who don't have children, you know the wonder of when you'll have them. And how it just consumes your thoughts. Growing up I always knew I wanted to have children. I was the one who wanted a big family. I wanted four or six kids. I come from a big family and I think big families are AWESOME! I had all these day dreams of the way it would be. Some dramatically exciting way to surprise my husband with the news. All the love I would express to my unborn child as I eagerly anticipated their arrival. Oh I couldn't wait.

Well after making some bad choices, I didn't get any of that. And when I finally found myself pregnant there were so many other pressing things happening in my mind that I didn't get to enjoy it. Talk about feeling robbed. And then because of my situation I was not prepared for what was happening in that delivery room. I have such a dramatically traumatic story, no one can blame me for not doing it again. But like most mom's there was a moment when I forgot all the trauma and said YES! I wanted to do it again. But after a while of trying I actually thought about what I was asking for. I pumped the brakes and did a complete 360 on my desire to have another. I look at everything my child goes through and I'm thankful that there's not two miserably suffering through the Whoa's of this life. But I tell you I HATE that my child is an only child. But now that I've successfully talked myself out of it, I could never back pedal. I look at babies and I LOVE them! But I don't want one of my own. It kind of hurts my feelings that I cant go backwards. I guess its because I think of everything I did when I had my baby and I don't ever want to go through that again. Even if you have a "husband" there's no guarantee that you wont be a single parent in disguise.And I'm cool! Besides I'm now at the point where I want and need the attention of my husband more than I want or need to have another child. Entering the selfish stage.... its all about me! me! ME! LOL! Plus I love the stage my child is at now, they're a young teenager. We have so much fun together, I really enjoy my child's company. I look forward to their graduation. Their young adult life and when they get married. But I tell you, I'm always excited about babies. I love them to death. They're so innocent, and wonderful. Watching them discover the world is amazing to watch as well. I love babies, and I love celebrating them. Just dont ask me to throw their party. I DO NOT LIKE TO THROW PARTIES! Its not my strong suit, I can feed you and organzie, but dont ask me to entertain you. Entertaining folks, shining in front of people, wanting to be the center of attention in a large crowd has never been me. NO SIR! I DONT LIKE IT! DONT WANT IT!

AS

OK so I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I was going to wear on my trip. I've been mentally cruising my closet for ideas. I don't like the way my clothes are fitting and I don't want to feel like some body's momma when I'm gone. Oh what to do, what to do???? So yesterday I was cruising http://www.ideeli.com/ and I found a Fabulous dress. Matter of fact I found two, but one I really wanted. Let's just say it was BLUE and it had a Ombre' design! Totally gorgeous I wanted it. And the PRICE was one of the BEST parts. BUT, and you know that there was a BUTT the dress wouldn't ship until two before we left or at the latest two days after we got back... UM! Yea, how about that's not gonna work! So sad I was. It was colorful (which I love to be) and oh so cute.

So this morning my mind said "Lizzy! Go on http://www.ashleystewart.com/ and see what they got. I went to the clearance page not expecting to find anything and then....

Um, who doesn't need a little black dress? And since I don't have one I need this one!


I like this top. It may be bit a much skin... BUT! I want it... LOL!


This blouse reminded me of the dress I couldn't get. Um yea! I LOVE Blue!


I like this shoe! I love round toes!


Now I have never owned a pantsuit. But I have a jumper that is the most comfortable, and if it were pants I'd wear it. LOL! I think this would be appropriate. :o) You should see the back. He! He!


And let me tell you this dress is just amazing! BUT its not on sale so NO!

There's a whole tutorial on how you can design the top to find a style that best flatters you.

So no I didn't get all of these things. I wish I could've. But I was happy enough to see things I could afford, and made me feel like I would be looking nice, when I'm out and about. Now to hit the buy button. This is where I get cold feet. Although I'm buying from the clearance rack I guess its the mother in my that doesn't like to spend too much on myself. But will spend like CRAZY on my child. After riping the bandaid off, I ordered a couple of things. Scared and Excited all at the same time.... Its nice having something to look forward to.

Here's to embracing the SINGLE LIFE! Living it and Loving it!

Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige - I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need...

How could u not bob ur head 2 this 1?

Mary J. Blige - Love @ 1st Sight ft. Method Man

Could it be?

Mary J. Blige - Deep Inside

The problem is..... so its hard for me to find a man that I can trust!

Mary J. Blige - All That I Can Say

Turn the bass up, close your eyes and listen!!!!!!!

Mary J. Blige - Reminisce

I can remember when we had it ALL!

Mary J. Blige - You Remind Me ft. Greg Nice

I seen u b4 babe!

Wyclef Jean featuring Mary J. Blige - 911 ft. Mary J. Blige

Messin around wit u is gonna get me life!!!!

Mary J. Blige - I'm Goin' Down

I aint got no plans!

Mary J. Blige - Seven Days ft. George Benson

There u were to my surprise! I never thought that I....

Mary J. Blige - Your Child

I always wondered the same thing... How could u deny??????

Mary J. Blige - You Don't Have To Worry

I remember we thought she was preggers in this video... this is Hollywood so you never know.

Mary J. Blige, 'I Can Do Bad All By Myself!'

I know that for the good....

Mary J. Blige - Take Me As I Am

If its not Jill, Mary sings the words on my heart!

Mary J. Blige, U2 - One

I love this! Best arugment song!

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

There was a time when I was living up to this anthem, gotta get back on track!

Non-Sleeping Excitement

Last night I tried to go to sleep, I must've tossed and turned for about two hours before I fell asleep. One thing that I know was plaguing me was that I was going back to work the next day after being off for over a week. But going to work normally doesn't bother me as I am truly grateful for having a job. And then to like what I do and the people I work with who could ask anything more. I know I was wrestling with thoughts some I didn't want to face and others that would have me SO EXCITED I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Let me talk in riddles for a moment. At one point once I was past the sheep, there we were. We were in your bedroom, although it was a room I did not recognize. And we were laying on the bed talking. When our conversation became real and on an emotional note, you asked that we move to the living room. Which was perfectly fine with me. But in true you form you playfully almost closed the door on me. And as I laughed I told you I was real and that you were really talking to me. Then came the heartfelt conversation. You asked me all the whys and I told you, no pulling back the punches or softening my blows. Not that I was attacking you, but sensitive subjects tend to take on that tone. In the living room we had an audience. But they seem to appreciate my words as validation and sound to their hearts. You mournfully listened. And for the I don't know (how many) time you cried. I don't think my words changed your mind, but you listened and you heard me. A side you don't often show, after all you're a man, and YOU make sure everyone knows it. It was an interesting experience, and one I questioned later. I guess my heart wants to speak with you. But my mind will not allow this to happen. Its over and done....



OK so, enough of that. I'm going on a trip! EXCITEMENT! JOY! Since I made the irresponsible decision that caused me to have to grow up a lot sooner than a lot of my friends. Its been very rare that I've done anything that speaks my youth and singleness and not in service to someone else! So at the end of this month, I'm going on a trip. My child will not go. (WHOA!) Me and three single cousins stepping out into the world. WATCH OUT NOW! Its times like this when I wish that I was a fashionista, I gotta pull two wonderful outfits out of my no-dressing closet. I'm HATING the way my clothes are fitting me right now. Oh well! I get to go out of town like a real grown-up I'm so EXCITED! YES!