Sunday, October 31, 2010

Time with Family

Yesterday was one of the BEST days! I went over my Big Cousin's house! We ate, sang, danced, played cards and domino's and just had a grown up hang out time. She was my Roll Model growing up! I wanted to get good grades in school because she got good grades. I wanted a husband who cooked and cleaned because she had one. Both of her children performed well in school and now in college, so I look to her for advice with my own child. Although we were down stairs the whole time I took in her house. I lack the connections in my brain to be my true OCD self. I would love to have a home as clean as hers. I don't know what's wrong with me that I cant get that part together. But I had a good time being with my beautiful family. You know what's funny, I didn't realize how much people perceive me as a punctual person. When we went to Squaw Valley last year for the day with some friends we were supposed to meet at 5am, and everyone just knew I was going to be on time. And my friend's husband was relieved that I was running late. My Big Cousin was telling someone that she knew I would be on time. JOY! I appreciate that she sees that in me. Now I gotta get this house together. I gotta get rid of all clutter. It depresses me and I don't know what to do with it. I want to make my house a home, but I need to have space and no compacting lots of things into one space, because then I lose all sight of how to keep it clean.... ANY WHO! I had a ball! I will say more but I need to go get ready for another evening with more family. YAY!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

To be Continued!

OK so I FINALLY made it through Tyler Perry's interview on Oprah. I admit the first time I turned the TV off and walked away. I wasn't in the right place to sit down and watch that interview. But yesterday I did it. I sat down and watched the whole thing and I was in the right place to watch it this time. I have felt so understood when he was talking. He said his body would betray him. I know that feeling all too well. I understand the questioning who you really are because of horrible things that happened to you and feeling like what does that mean? Having your innocence robbed from you at an early age. Where you look at everyone else was normal and like you're an outsider wishing to be on the inside. My doctor said there are numerous ways of acting out, and the most common is when people are just out there with anyone because they don't know how to feel. Or someone like who tries to fall to the background and be invisible.
But there was that natural want to stand out, I blame it on my dad's family. Its full of singers and dancers, people who just want to be center stage and admired for something. Well I'm not much of a singer although I love to sing in the shower. :o) But my gift or talent was writing. I could tell a story like nobody's business. It was one of the only things that kept me honest. And it helped me escape all that tormented my soul. This is just a quick blog today as I have to try and get out in the world today.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Rough Nite

MAN! OH ME! OH MY! Last night I got to bed within decent time, but tell me why did I wake up a little before two and didnt go back to sleep until a little after five, minutes before my alarm went off. Running on fumes today I am. My legs (mostly) and whole being sore needed every ounce of sleep I could conjure up. I couldnt get down to my blog but I'd like to share what I wrote:

Cant stop thinkin when I should b sleepin, but this isnt new. Prayin! Prayin! Prayin! Askn havent been on my A game there's ...been a lot of distractions lately still I beg u father HELP ME! I'm drownin! The blog is in-accessible at the moment so I'm left with only this venue to vent. I know u tell me to give this to you and u will handle it. For a person like me that's not easy 2 do. Still I try, but then I sometimes feel like I'm not handling the situation by "walkin away" frm it. I lack the confidence 2 know whether ur tellin me u got it or that I'm not dealing with the issue (like so many other things). I have no real sounding board other than my prayers, I'm havin a hard time decidin 4 ur voice father. When it was "GO Time" Holy Spirit pushed me n da right direction, I am thankful 4 that, No matter how traumatic all of that was/is u sent ur angel 2 guide me by the hand out of Sodom...
Now I lay here unable 2 sleep under the threat again. I cant believe what happend n front of ur servants father... just another ghetto scene 4 sure. Altho I begged u 2 allow me react, ur way has kept me frm compromising my standin. Altho I have "friends" I'm lacking that trusted soundin board 2 help me. I'm n such a state of "stress" that I lack the ability 2 do anything right anymore. My temper flares easily, and things that should b like water off a duck's back truly hurt me. Which again makes me angry. I just dont understand, but I NEVER claimed 2b the smartest or most clever. Matter of fact the only real thing u hear me boast about is mmy baby... I love ther dearly, but I'm failin even them at this moment. Its all slippin away and no matter how hard I try to tell my hands "GRAB IT!" they seem 2 just all b slippin away. Jehovah help me! Please! I beg of u! Help me!
Not a good day for sure. Zimo called me at work and it took everything in me not to cry, and its only when I cant cry that I want to. I didnt cry a lick this morning.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My inner conflict!

OK so, Here's what I was thinking about on my way home. I don't know if I really want a husband... I know I say I want one, but the one I fantasize about I doubt even exist so its like why bother. I kind of like not arguing about dumb stuff, and making my own decisions. So then I'm cool with being alone.... but like today... I think I'm in that ovulation period where all I can think about is my man's breath on my neck.... Eyes rolling in Ecstasy... but lets be real even when there was a "man" around how often did that happen? I mean there were times it was GOOD but more times than not it was OK, and then there were times like I couldve had a V8... Especially since my life has changed how in the world would I know what I was getting until I'm bound to it for eternity, not that I would walk away from a man for not being my missing puzzle piece, but that's just so much more work...... And the thought of that puts me right back at single again! Not that I feel like I'm perfect, but I am DA BOMB! (showing my age LOL!) I know that being with me is an honor and a privilege and why oh why do I end up with guys who see that but want to try to take that from me? I tell myself... what I wont do, this time.... I wont disappear! I wont buy into their attempts to belittle me and make me less of a person to try to elevate their self.

Monday, October 18, 2010

James & Nicole

OK so today I went to meet with my friend's personal trainer. His name is James and his wife Nicole was there. He had us run laps, do lunges, spirit, jumping jacks, calf raises, and leg lifts on our back.... It was great, and I didn't get winded or start wheezing like I used to right after my baby was born. I have an inhaler because anytime I would exert myself I would start wheezing. Well I ran and everything with my mouth open to let air in and out. It was GREAT! Now whether I can continue to go is really up to my finances. I really want to continue to go, but I don't know. I will be sore tomorrow but that will make me smile with each pain. Yea, I'm gonna hate, but I'm gonna love u when I see results. ;o)

What is the definition of a GOOD relationship (written 4-26-06)

I’ve asked a few males and even my dear brother replies good sex……… “Bring food, leave clothes”……. Per one of my brothers. Someone who loves you to death, if you ask one of my sisters.
But you when you really look at relationships neither of the two are good enough to base a relationship on.
What I’ve learned is that physical attraction plays a BIG part in an affectionate relationship. In a relationship there are times when your physical attraction for your mate covers the previous transgression or wrong, but is it enough?
What about when you’ve become accustomed to the physical aspect of the relationship, what keeps you there then? Why would you stay if, although attractive, your mate gets on your nerves? How long can you stomach to continue to kiss them? How long do the niceties last once the affect of the physical relations have worn off. Do men realize that as they get older their ability to perform lessens and lessens? Where as women, the older she gets the better she gets. When do men and women understand that at some point more is needed than a physical relationship?
For some they understand this right away, hence their hesitance to jump in head first into a relationship, but still if you ask them what is the key to a good relationship the FIRST thing out their mouth are the physical aspects. No wonder young society is so lost. No wonder there are females who truly believe that their worth lives in the fact that they have a husband. Not even a good husband, but a husband. No wonder a man feels like he is on top of the world because his wife is attractive, not a good wife, just attractive. This is what leads so many young ones to marriage so soon and without any realistic understanding of what they’re getting themselves into.
We are encouraged to advise our children to seek Jehovah first in everything. Your education, your employment, your mate……. But what after that? My number one gripe again, is that my generation was not properly prepared for life in this system of things at the ages we are now. There are so many things we don’t have a real grasp on. For instance when you ask my generation what is the key to a good relationship…….. Again the physical is mentioned an it is pulling teeth to get to the more important things. From my generation down the world is in trouble. There is no realistic view point on anything.
The expectation is that one should already know these things…….. I ask how? If this system was declared over before I entered elementary school do you think anyone ever thought about college for me? Did anyone teach me how to take care of a husband? How to raise my children? How to take care of myself? We are so lost. And now we must pick up the pieces in an attempt to live.
How many from my generation are not in the truth as we speak? Sadly some parents felt that their children would never mature in this system of things and only instilled in their children that if you don’t serve Jehovah you will die. Sadly death isn’t enough to hold someone’s attention long enough to reach their heart. Not someone like me anyways.
How many from my generation truly have a true blue relationship with our God and father Jehovah. How many put him first in their lives and fearlessly proclaims his name. You may be able to think of quite a few, but now I ask you to remember how many children there were in the hall in the mid-eighties……. Now I ask again, how many? Your love for Jehovah cannot be based on fear or guilt, which sadly that was the bases for some.
This is not to say that there is no hope for those who are not here now. Just like the prodigal son they can return, but when they do will you openly welcome them? Will you make them feel guilt for the time lost? Will you judge them? Sad to say most will answer no and will do the opposite.
As imperfect humans it is difficult not to do this. But make it a matter of prayer. Look to encourage not discourage. Remember that your relationship with Jehovah is based on love and please give them the space to develop that relationship as well. Remember Jehovah loves a cheerful giver.
That covers those returning to the flock but what about those who are within? What about my original statement. What is the definition of a good relationship? “MY” answer is a relationship that mirrors the relationship between Jesus and his disciples. My idea of the supreme head of my household. You see how there is nothing physical within that statement.
Physical appearance, status, means nothing in that regard. Jesus and his disciples had an open and honest relationship. Jesus corrected his disciples when they were wrong, he didn’t belittle them. Although at times they wore on his patience he still exerted it. He never had to remind anyone who was in charge.
The disciples never tried to over rule him. There was never a power struggle. They enjoyed each other’s company and they helped each other when they were down. The bible constantly reminds us that the husband is the head of the house, and the Jesus is over the congregation……. But no one refers to that relationship when they think of their own.
My generation is lost on levels that only perfection can undo. Alas I have had my say. Alas I have spoken my peace. With that I am now satisfied that least you have read this and hopefully think more about what it is that you are looking for in life. The big nickel or peace, the kind that comes from within.

Agape –

The thoughts and expressions above are the sole thoughts and ideas of Liz Betty and in no way speak for the Watchtower and Tract Society.

Do I really?????

OK so, anyone who knows me knows that I will tell them in a heart beat that YES I want to be married. And that being single is a temporary thing for me right now. But then when I talk to my married friends I can feel myself back track. Do I really want to deal with the ridiculousness that is and can be a relationship? NOT REALLY! Call me bitter, call me angry.... But I just don't know if I can honestly handle someone making ridiculous decisions for my family and attempt to make them over me. I know I can be hard to deal with, especially if I don't agree with your decision. I'm not one for making things seem like they're blissful when they're not. I did that when I was REALLY young and I NEVER want to be that fake ever again. Yes, I want a companion and someone to rely on. I want to feel loved and appreciated. But honestly even in a marriage how often do you get that. I know that being married can be good and that's what I focus on when I say I want it. But the down sides to marriage really make me back pedal. I don't have a good track record with men. Normally if its someone I'm dealing with even if its temporary lately I ask "OK so what's wrong with you"... Then can I live with that? Thanks to Holy Spirit I tend to find out rather quickly... NO I CANT! But that still hurts me. I think about this one brother and I wonder sometimes if that could be the brother Holy Spirit keeps pointing me to and I say NO before even giving him real consideration. Well I'm not writing to say that I'm going to consider him either. :o) I'm just saying that "I" don't think he measures up to what I'm thinking that I want as my spiritual head. After my LONG laundry list of things that I want and need, a huge one but it is strangely at the end of my list is that I want to feel safe... physically safe. I've yet to be in a relationship or even entertain the idea of being in a relationship where I actually felt safe. That just has NEVER happened. I don't know why that is, but you know what I'm finding that that feeling is just as important as everything else. Unfortunately the guy who you may feel that security towards normally has anger issues, and I refuse to be a punching bag for any man... and that ends the feeling of safety anyways.  Oh well, all in all is it better for me to remain single??? I don't want to accept the fact that it just might be. I feel like its a waste of me as a person to remain alone.... but its also a waste of me to end up with most of these idiots who have no idea of a MAN really is.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Emotional Saturday

OK so, I just remembered something Zimo said to me yesterday. She said I had to get married in September. LOL! Well I hope she's in cahoots with my I guess I don't care. As long as its not in January or December I don't care really. I don't know I guess I have to find a fella to really know.
This morning I woke up kind of like clock work, which I guess is a good thing, because we able to go out this morning. The thing is that I turned on the TV but at first I put it on the music channel. Then later I turned it to Fried Green Tomatoes which was on one of the movie channels. Aw! I love this movie... It made me smile inside when the husband brought his wife the BEAUTIFUL bouquet of Lillies. Then it made me emotional. All the sudden emotions were trying to burst out of me. I moaned out loud to pull my tears and emotions back inside. Then I stayed soggy on the inside. My baby was having their own emotional flashes. Yesterday their father let them down and so they've been running hot and cold. They were able to tell me how disappointed they were in their father. I tried to be even but I couldn't find a way to defend him. He told our child that he couldn't take them to and from their program yesterday because he had to work. Now my child said that whenever he has to work he is mad and he was not mad. He just simply didn't want to do it, and my child feels he's lying. I don't know anything about him taking a second job so how could I defend him? And really why do I have to. He constantly puts me down to our child always has, I'm tired of being the mediator. Tired of defending him when he trashes me... Just tired of him. I know right now he wants to pull a disappearing act and somehow use me as the excuse, but its whatever. He gets mad when the thought of me being labeled as a single parents come up because he considers himself to around and involved. So in his mind he doesn't like that someone would refer to me that way. But check it, whenever this situation becomes too much reality or whatever he calls it he disappears. Be it a couple weeks or even months at a time. Our child is old enough to know the difference now. I cant protect him anymore.
So tonight my child spends the night with a friend and I'm here alone... stewing in my thoughts watching my favorite chick flicks... "Where the heart is" and "Pride and Prejudice" Drinking my gallon of water and getting sleepy....

Friday, October 15, 2010


OK so Zimo and I went to the gym. YES! I needed that quick boost to get me going. We were on the treadmill and I was running my mouth the whole time. Sometimes I think Zimo is like will girl ever shut up. LOL! I was happy to be doing something good. I feel very good about what we did. I broke a little sweat which is good. NEXT TIME I want sweat POURING out of me. I wanna feel like it wont stop running. YES! LOL! Well I guess I could go home and do my Pilate's after work. And then go pick up my baby for their program. Their father said to me, "I will be handling all the parents aspects of this program" which was fine by me since he was the one who set it up. Plus I know he just wants to look good in front of the chick who granted my child the scholarship for the program. I don't care and she seems like his type, I just don't want my child suffering when their thing ends. But anyways that what he said and sure enough he's not sticking to it. He said he would pick them up and drop them off... but he's already trying to find a way outta that. I just got a very upset phone call from my child stating that their father will not be able to take them to their class nor pick them up. Some thing about they have to work..... So we asked my father to drop them off and I will be going to pick them up. Where are the men of their word? Do they even exist anymore? Any who all that to say I will have a little down time before my child gets home and I should do some Pilate's. We're supposed to hook up with a friend this evening... we'll see. But I'm excited about what we did today. I figure we hop in the car jet there. Do an intense twenty minutes of whatever. Hop in the shower, hop back in the car and be back. I'm thinking this could work....Only thing is ZImo's job is demanding and what happens when she cant get away? Maybe I should look them up online and see how expensive their membership is... their gym is NICE! and it wasn't crowded, but that couldve also been the time of day that we went. Half of the reason I don't like going to the gym is because of the ooglers and oglers. Too many people and the waiting for machines, you're waiting and you're in a gym of course you're going to people watch. I HATE being watched and so I wouldn't want to be the watcher. Oh I don't know. Its not like I can afford a gym membership on my own right now anyways. Oh well I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes.  BUT I HAD A BLAST THANX ZIMO! :o)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I ask myself

OK so I ask myself, is it selfish of me to want a man of my very own? See I grew up not feeling worthy of..... anything! I want and NEED to feel worthy of being loved by one man and no one else in our relationship. I have to come first and there can be no one second. I am not secure enough to tolerate another woman, and if I was tolerant of another woman you gotta know that there's SOMETHING unapproved going on. But I couldn't tolerate myself in that role. SO NO! NOT GONNA HAPPEN! RIDICULOUS!

A work in progress

OK, so the text for yesterday did touch my heart. And then the service meeting last night..... OK, OK, OK. This whole thing shows me how much more so I need to work on my tolerance. I'm just tired... Do you know what I mean? I'm tired of people treating me any ole kind of way and hurting me severely and not even caring because they know as a Christian I'm going to forgive them. The thought of this is making a little anger stir in my stomach. People always mistake my kindness for weakness and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of walking around with the hurtful things that people have said and done in my brain while they fail to take even a moment to think about how they're affecting me. I'M ANGRY, and unfortunately lately people have been tripping on that mine in the field. Although in my mind I don't think its unjustified anger.... still maybe at least one of them got it worse than they deserved. And even that's a BIG MAYBE!!!! MAYBE NOT!!! But because I'm choosing to be right today I'm gonna say MAYBE! But I digress.... I know I have to get this in check as I have no idea what's in store for us in the near future, and I don't want my temper to be the reason I or my loved ones miss out. I keep telling my child to work on their temper and tolerance of people when I know part of that temper and non-tolerance of others comes from me. Aw! Your children are truly a reflection of you... DAG NABIT!

Maggie Ready

I need to get Maggie ready.... what does that mean? Zimo knows. Ever since we were looking for Zimo's wedding dress I fell in love with Maggie Sottero's designs. I want a Maggie Sottero dress for my wedding. I want a silver dress, I have no idea what silhouette would look good on my frame I just know what I want. I don't want until I have the BOMB man on my arm to kill myself to get ready. I need to get Maggie ready today. If I'm Maggie ready today, then I will only need time to pay for the dress and wedding not fit into it. :o) YES! YES! I must get on my plan. If I'm Maggie ready now we can take engagement photos right away. :o) Most importantly if I get Maggie ready now...... I will be happy and healthy for me and there will be no confusion in that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Best Mom

OK so every August 19th my child and I celebrate the anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant with them. I take that entire week off from work to spend with them and its our time together. Unfortunately outside of the year we went to Disneyland, I am normally broke as a joke when our anniversary rolls around. So we have to be creative about the things we do together. This year we planned ahead and told each that we would exchange gifts. My baby bought me the following:

 Its a Ear ring, Necklace, and bracelet set. Each piece has that heart hanging from it and it says "Best Mom"! I absolutely LOVE IT! I wear it as often as I can. The clasp on the necklace is small so I have to ask my baby for help in the morning when I put it on. My baby said, "you must really like this, you wear it all the time". I told my baby.... "OF COURSE I DO! My baby bought it for me out of the kindness of their heart why wouldn't I love it!" One time Zimo bought me a colorful butterfly necklace. I love it too. I've had it for years now, but the last time I wore it the butterfly tried to fly away. I have to fix that so that it doesn't actually fall of and get lost next time. I would be sad. But I love it when someone has thought enough of me to spend their hard earned money on me. My child's father bought me an iPod. At the time it was the top of the line one. Ask me if I still have? Ask me if I still use it? I ain't crazy just because the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean I still don't appreciate the gift. Even though he didn't spend his hard earned money on it. And he actually used the money that another female gave him to buy it for me. But I look at it this way, he didn't have to buy me anything. It was a complete surprise and I was so THANKFUL when I got it. Later I found out that I wasn't as thankful as he had hoped, but hey "YOU GET WHAT YOU GET!" LOL! I gave him a BIG HUG and thousands of kisses on the cheeks. LOL! But the buck stopped there. LOL! I made dinner later shoot what else did he think was gonna happen???? ANY WHO!!!! I'm not one of those people who gets showered with presents on a regular basis. So I normally want to keep every aspect of the gift. I don't want to tear the wrapping, I want to save it to remember the whole experience. LOL! But I appreciate it whenever someone thinks enough of me to act on it. I hate when I give someone something and you never see it or you can tell they don't appreciate it. The last vacation my baby and I went on, we brought back gifts for our family and a couple of friends. I enjoy the gifts we brought back for ourselves more than I've seen from the receipents. True they werent expensive, but does a gift have to be expensive to be appreciated? Its the thought that counts right? That's what I thought. I used to love going shopping for nothing with my father as he picked out something nice for my mother. The just because presents were always the best. I hope I marry a man who would do something like that for me. :o) I mean even the monkey would surprise me with a snicker from time to time. LOL!

I'm making progress!

I don't know if my spreadsheet is a shot in the foot half of the time. I started to track my weight, but I built to reflect a loss of four ounces a day.... which amounts to 2.8lbs a week... is that asking too much from myself to average 2.8lbs of weight loss a week? I thought that was a reasonable request, but let me tell you, some times it feels like AGONY! As of today I am 9lbs behind schedule and this is after I retweaked it when I fell too far behind last time. DECISIONS! DECISIONS! Half of me wants to start over AGAIN! And the other half says lets see if you can catch up.... HMMMMMM! Wouldn't that be nice. I don't know.

So my cousin came over on Monday.... what a ray of sunshine she is. When I showed her the pictures of our aunt's dress journey she commented that on one of the pictures you can could tell I lost weight. That meant a lot coming from her. I know as females the way we're always put up against each other its sometimes hard to be happy for each other when they're doing something we want to do. And I'm not gonna lie, my feelings were hurt when at the beginning of my journey my child pointed out to her that I had lost a little weight and it was probably only ten or less than that then and she OBVIOUSLY chose to ignore the comment or maybe she didn't see it. Yep hurt my feelings but I kept it moving. She has now begun her journey so I guess that has freed her to be able to compliment me. (Sad face!) Its whatever, I try not to let stuff like that affect me. (Another sad) That's like if my close friend is in a relationship and they decide to get married. Although I TRULY want to be married myself I'm not going to not be happy for my friend and give them all the enthusiasm they deserve for their happy day. I can go home and be sad by myself for my lonely state. But I know all women are not built like me, but its a shame that we cant all be that way.  Any who, I was happy none the less to receive props from her on this picture:
Like I said the other day when I looked at it, that was the first time I saw my weight loss myself. As you can see I have a LONG way to go. But I'm making progress, YAY ME!

This last monthly hit me kind of hard emotionally. I haven't exactly asked myself why but I indulged in everything that I wanted that week. Satisfying only when the item first hits my tongue, but it took a few days for the remorse to hit me. By then I was already up almost 5 lbs. So now I'm working to get that off and get back on track. What is the suckie part is that I was ahead of schedule for a minute there. And then eventually I started falling behind.  Talking to my aunt over email yesterday she asked me how it feels to be losing. I was explaining to her about my plateau right now. And how I'm scared to move forward. Well for one I was losing so fast that my skin was drooping and that was NASTY in my opinion. I bought a Pilate's DVD and amazingly that has helped A LOT! But I haven't pushed myself to keep going yet. Talked it out with Zimo, this week we're getting back on it. Although I had candy for breakfast yesterday today is a new day. Moving forward I'm trying.... and I cant wait to see my old face.... see my old body when I'm FRESH out the shower. I cant wait, I'm gonna HUG me SO TIGHT! I may even cry.... LOL! But I miss my friend that used to be me, and I've been through a lot I cant wait to see me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My mobile test!

- Anyone who loves u when u need them, that's ur family!! -


Yes, I did it. I did the unthinkable.... I had candy for breakfast. I didn't go to Trader Joe's yesterday for fear that the checkout guy would be there waiting. So I didn't get my banana to put in the NASTY oatmeal to make it somewhat palatable. My options, eat the NASTY oatmeal anyways (gagging with each spoonful) or eat the lovely chocolate that was calling my name. I chose the road less traveled and um, it is what it is. I brought my lunch so I had that. YUMMY! French bread pizza assembled in my kitchen and baked in the toaster oven. OH MY! YUM! But then I got a little hungry and there was no fruit to snack on so I walked over to Trader Joe's alone :o( and picked up bananas. But of course I couldn't stop there (half of my financial problem) I had to get some peaches for a healthy snack, some kettle corn and fiberfuls for my baby's snack at school. I almost went down the ice cream aisle but I went over to the yogurt instead. Now my friend here at work ABSOLUTELY loves Fage's Greek yogurt with Honey.... She eats daily and each day she acts like it tastes like manna.... I tried it.... for me NOT SO MUCH! But I wanted to try the strawberry this time. OH MY WORD!!!!! Now there it is.... its strawberry preserves and they're really sweet all by their self. The yogurt is plain and not sweet at all. when you mix the two.... OH SWEET CREAMINESS! DELICIOUS! I will HAVE to go back tomorrow risking seeing the guy just for some more yogurt.

OK so the guy... nobody... I just noticed him noticing me and lately he's gotten more courage to speak.... I don't like where this is going. He seems like a nice guy but I can tell by the cornrows in his head that we are not on the same page. I don't ever want to be mean or hurtful, nor do I want to encourage his attention. We go to TJ's almost every day some weeks.... MAN! What to do? What to do? I love TJ's I can not stop going... and I will not. That's it thank you, business as usual is all. LOL! Keep it movin! Keep it movin!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

DB PICS! Think Small!

OK so guess what world, one of my favorite aunts is getting married. She's more like a big sister to me than an Aunt. She's only 10 years older than me and I can clearly remember playing with her when I was young. So I tell her I call her Auntie out of technicality. But hooray she's getting married, and she's asked me to be in the wedding. The only thing is that I'm sure I cant afford it but I'm gonna do it anyways (YIKES!)....
This was our second trip to this chain. The first visit was in her neck of the woods and the experience was horrible! The more I think about it the more I get angry. No real sense of customer service or customer appreciation. But we went to the store in my neck of the woods yesterday and YES! This is how I know this chain to be. We had a wonderful experience! Auntie may have even found "The Dress" I say may because she may change her mind.
But the part that keeps running across my mind is that she posted the pics on FB of her in her dresses and the couple of dresses that I modeled for her. OMG! I could finally see my weight loss in the pictures.... People have been telling me, but honestly I still see the same face and body when I looked in the mirror. Clothes have been fitting me differently, but I haven't seen much of a difference personally. Matter of fact outside of the fact that I can tell that my nose has gone down in size I haven't really seen a difference.
I was just feeling discouraged when I saw the pics on FB! I know I should be looking at the pics to look at the bride but I cant help but stare at the pics of me. I know that's bad, but I don't see myself often enough. So this week will be hard as I want and need to get back on program but I'm lacking the finances to really do it. I will have to figure it out, but its time to get off this plateau and move forward. Think small! Think small! LOL! I gotta get back on program I got a LOT of weight to lose and this first 20 is just the tip of the iceberg... I got another 70 to go. Hopefully Biggest Loser will continue to inspire me to move forward. I've drunken a Gallon of water today and my kidneys are thanking me for the cleansing.
Here's to tomorrow! Think Small! Think Small!

A Man Child is Born

OK, so there was this insecure and abused little girl who had no compassion for anyone and only thought of herself. Although she was a little homely to look at she was REALLY messed inwardly. One day she meets this guy... Stone cold fox is w...hat they called him n those days and he liked her. She needed him and and he loved the feeling. He loved her and she loved him. Two unguided teenagers did what came natural to them, they planted a seed. And although really young they decided to have a family. But remember he's a fox and u know how females cant seem to act right when a man is FINE. So he was distracted to say the least. And this little girl she was selfish, but they said they would try to make it work. Their seed was born and imperfection was massive in this one. So massive that Grandma said give the child to me you two are too young for this. As heartbreaking as it was the two turned to each other for comfort... and a few years later another seed was planted. But see they were still them and still having their battles, she's selfish and he's good looking. Aw! A man child is born and although it was rocky at first he's healthy. Lil man wants to be a chip off da old block but he doesn't truly understand all the things he sees. The girl and the fox argue more these days, and in a desperate attempt to hold on another seed is planted. This one is called woman b'cuz she's easily deceived. But the man child and the woman look to their parents for guidance. The girl cant handle losing so she leaves. She leaves when the man child is old enough to understand she's gone. It breaks his heart that she left them, he internalizes his loss. The fox is responsible and does a good job caring for the man child and the woman except for his one down fall..... did I mention he's a fox????? The women come and go, but the man and the woman "really" only see one. A good lady, who has love for the fox. The girl comes to her senses and begs for her family, the fox goes with it b'cuz he loves the girl and they have a family. Too many insecurities and selfishness take place. Its not going to work out. The girl and the fox divorce. The girl remarries and divorces, then remarries again and divorces again. Meanwhile the Fox remarries too, but so far the lady and the fox have been a good match. The girl is still in love with the fox thru it all so she does things to ruin his life. Remember she's selfish so she doesn't care how she hurts the fox or her children she just knows she's hurting so everyone around her must hurt as well. She poisons the man child and the woman's young minds. Filling them with propaganda and things that are too advanced for their young minds. She hurts the man child who loves her dearly and only wants her to love him. She pushes him away b'cuz she says he reminds her of the fox and every other no good man in her life. The man child filled with anger and hurt turns around hurts any woman who pay him any attention. They all remind him of the girl in one way or another. He hates himself for doing what he does, but will not stop hurting. The girl chooses to love the woman because she's easily deceived. The woman believes everything she says and the girl loves that. The man child sees a lot of the girl within himself and he doesn't like it, but it doesn't stop him from being selfish, and being the chip off the old block he has the worst of both worlds. So where is this child today? Wondering around the sewers! LOL! No seriously the man child is looking for the mother he never had, and breaking hearts along the way. No matter who u are! Poor world.