My Kitchen

A few months ago I went to Napa with some friends (my 1st time going) and we went to a few wineries. I was very HAPPY! And during my happy rant I found a kitchen towel that was ABSOLUTELY beautiful to me. Its a dark plum/purple color, and it has a cocktail glass on it and the boarder is black and white zebra print. In my HAPPY excitement I told my friend that I wanted to paint my kitchen that color and I would use that towel for inspiration. Well imagine my surprise when I found that she bought the towel for me. Whenever I have a moment to think of the improvements I can make to my house, and I think of my kitchen. Right now its a lousy cream color (I HATE WHITE WALLS and almost white). I want to take the towel to Home Depot and have them create paint for me in the same color. I figure I could use Black, White, and Chrome Items in my kitchen. Now when I told my father my idea he said "that's going to make the kitchen dark" and he did not approve. Is it bad that his comment makes me want to do it more? LOL! No disrespect dad but the cream in the kitchen is not doing it for me. And its not like I would be covering a lot of space with the color anyways. The rest of the house needs to painted as well. But I am on the fence about my color choice. I know that Lighter colored walls bring space and light and air to the house. Unfortunately I have too much traffic thru my house and the transients don't know how to keep their hands and other appendages off the walls. Now I plan to continue to fuss about it, but I would prefer not to see hand prints on my walls first thing as I walk into a room. Any who I digress. I have a question. Can I find this:

as a wall paper boarder anywhere? I would like this to go across the top the wall in the kitchen. AND!!!!! A wall decal of some sort for the kitchen. Even if it was only a Martini glass. I would love it. Question is, where do I find it. My parent's 42nd wedding anniversary is coming up in December, I will have folks over as usual. I wonder if I could get at least the kitchen done before then? I guess I should look for the boarder. I find that its on!

Lazy Weekend

Saturday morning I over slept. So I got up with the taste, no, yearning for French Toast. Problem was that I had NOTHING in my cupboards to make this yearning go away. So off to the newly built grocery store I went. On the Food Network there's this new show called "The Sandwich King" and the host made a Chicken Mole Torta! Oh my goodness it looked SO GOOD! I really wanted some kind of a Mexican dish. I did not dare to try the torta recipe (yet!), so I wanted tacos but my baby voted for nachos. So we ran around the store gathering items to make my craving go away. But I did want to try to at least make the Tomatillo Salsa. I was SHOCKED when I realized that I had spent two hours in that store. Its something how when you don't know where anything is, it just takes longer. One day I plan to go and just walk up and down each aisle of that store. Its so nice and spacious in the new store. The old store was small and cramped in comparison. But wouldn't you know that when I got home I realized that I had forgotten one of the key ingredients to make my French Toast.... MILK! DAG NABIT! However, I had some pretty nice things to get me through the agony of a craving not met.
First thing was first, I had to put my Coconut Creme Relaxer on and get my hair on the path to DEEP conditioning. Since I knew I wasn't going anywhere else it was the perfect day to give my hair what it needed. After the application of my relaxer, and conditioner cap. I sat down with my cousin's recipe for apple dip, apples, and Jane Austen's Mansfield park to kick off my LAZY day!


My brother and sister-in-law stopped by and we held them captive the rest of the day watching movies, eating nachos, brownies and ice cream for dessert. Outside of my little adventure to the store it was so nice to spend the ENTIRE day inside. Not running around spending and wasting money. Just relaxing. I'll use another weekend to actually do my household chores, but for now... I loved my weekend.

Happy!!!!

I just had to share. So I'm sitting over here, blaming myself for all that's wrong with the world, and Betty #1 sends me this picture, and it INSTANTLY made me HAPPY!

Could it be my favorite color in a FABULOUS shoe?!?!?!? LOOOOOOOK at that heel! Oh my goodness I need these shoes just to walk around the house and make myself happy.  Too bad I cant afford them, these shoes are not under the Payless Pricing Guidelines.... so I will just look and admire. I'll try to think of an outfit to build around these shoes.
You know what I'm not good with, color splashes. You know how someone will wear a couple of monotone colors together and then BAM! A color like my WONDERFUL blue makes them pop. Well done and its wonderful, but I think I would get carried and then well here comes RAINBOW BRIGHT! But couldn't I pair these shoes with like a simple grey dress? Or would tan/beige be a better fit? I don't know... Would it be over kill is I had a jacket that matched these shoes and then the grey or tan sheath dress under neath? Could I then still wear a silver purse? Too much? SEE! Do you see why I would need help to first understand how it should flow and then maybe I could figure out how to put it together.

So Sad

I feel like a failure right now. I don't have anything to smile about and my child... well they're acting like a person I don't know. What happened to my well behaved over achieving baby? I don't know who this adolescent hormonal person is before me. Breaking my heart it is, normally my child isn't any further than a conversation away from getting back on track. Well here comes the drama right, here comes the sadness and pain. I just don't have it in me to fight right now. ESPECIALLY my child! Crying so many tears right now.

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

I need to have this in my mouth! I will be making this soon. I will let you know how it comes out. EXCITED!

Struggling with myself

So and impromptu meeting/argument with my child's father has been plaguing my brain all weekend. Sometimes I hate that when he and I argue I actually listen as well as vent. If only I could master the art of telling him off and not hearing a word he says. Well I wasn't raised that way, and that's the not the person I want to be, but with him sometimes it just seems like that's the way it should be. As the parents there's supposed to be unified front right? If we discuss something about our child and agree on a go forward strategy, I don't know why that breaks down into something that we have to argue about, and it always happens the same... it always goes into who-shot-john yesterday things that neither one of us can change now. Well.... he went backwards and I stopped talking and then I heard him say it.... "I've never felt like I was needed" WHY OH WHY did that hit me in the chest???? I mean I think I had a snap reply to that, but I don't think that I did now that I'm thinking about it. :o(  But I did everything in my power not to focus on his words Saturday I had too much to do. But Sunday during service there it was in my brain. So after a very heart felt conversation with my baby, we had lunch with their father. At first we discussed the issue at hand. But then we moved on to building up to my point. So at the end of our lunch, I apologized (in a way) for not really showing or even really saying how much I appreciate, value, and need his help in raising our child. I mean everyone needs confirmation from time to time. Not that he just comes out and say Thank you Liz for all that you do and have done for our child even when I was acting up. Naw, he's alluded to it before. But never a thank you for having my child, and putting up with me, etc.... But I think I would PASS OUT if he ever said something like that. Nope everything is always my fault. I cant ever really be right for anything because its me. Rather than dwell on all the things he does or doesn't do, I decided to give him this one. It was the least I could do. But my hopes are that once he understands that his child's needs him, and that I need him for the sake of our child their relationship will improve. AND I REALLY HOPE that this doesn't turn into something misunderstood about my interest in him. Once upon a time I thought I would die without him in my life. Not an over statement, I really did. I couldn't see past how much I loved him and wanted him in my life. Well as we now know I got over that, and regardless of what he says I know that the person that I was so in love with, the person I couldnt live without NEVER really existed. I saw what I wanted to see, I heard what I wanted to hear. Now that I can see clearly... that guy got lost at sea never to be recovered. What funny is like yesterday I'll see traces of that guy in the man that fathered my child, but all I have to do is WAIT FOR IT! And the real him comes blasting through! Making me put my fighting armor on and get ready for battle.  :o( Oh well for now this is my life. Moving on right... RIGHT!

Pretty Personal

OK so I was getting pretty personal on here for a minute. GOTTA STOP doing that! One day someone may discover my little venting blog, and EMBARRASSED I would be.... Gotta go through this thing and rewrite everything that could be a threat... well not everything but A LOT OF IT! LOL! That's it for now.

What 2 wear?????

As if this outfit was made for me, why cant I have money when I need it:

Oh well they didn't have the jacket in my size any ways... DAG NABIT!

I have a wedding to go to next month and I wanna wear something REALLY nice. I want to dress up for the occasion and look really nice. One pit fall is that I've gained almost all of my 20lbs+ that I lost back. So the things in my closet don't even fit right. (SAD FACE!) But I have a month, and that is enough time to make something look nice. If only my white dress were black I would wear that again. Its not right to wear white to a wedding. I had to remind myself of this as I was going to wear it originally until it hit. NO! I have a dress in my closet that I haven't worn yet. It was going to be the dress I wore to a wedding that was supposed to happen in April. But it was called off, and thank goodness cause I don't think I would've been able to wear then any ways. But knowing there's no way to lose my 20+ in a month I don't think I'll be able to wear that dress. So.... I'm looking for inspiration.... what to wear? What to wear? I don't know, but I'm looking.

Wedding choices:

I'll keep looking. I really like the first dress, but.... See how low it is in the front... That wouldn't work with the girls...Sometimes I wonder why women feel the need for implants. They get in the way and in my opinion ruin what could be a nice look sometimes. I know they're not all bad... but a lot of the times...

Unreasonable Thoughts

Have you ever had unreasonable thoughts? I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but for whatever imperfect reason I cant help it. Sometimes I feel like my child's father pats himself on the back for being the last person that I've truly cared for. I want someone in that space so bad, sometimes I try to force square pegs into round holes.... I just don't want him to be the last, you know what I mean? I know its stupid and childish to think this way, but I cant help it. I don't want him patting himself on the back about anything when it comes to me. But since he knows how I am, he knows he was the last person to be in that place and I guess he equates that to still having feelings for him other than nausea and intolerance. Days like today I wish there was someone else, but the truth is.... I'm nothing like him, so of course that spot is still open. Oh well, here I go....

Can U say CUTE!

Jackets

Dresses


I'm normally not a fan of the one shoulder look but I like this one and its not because of the guy in the picture:

No love lost!

OK so, you know how I whining about something that I just shouldn't be concerning myself with? Well the other day it washed over me like and epiphany! I cannot force a square peg into a round hole. I was praying and my heart was open, and it was as if I could literally hear my Father's voice saying, "young one I told you he isn't the man for you when you asked me a year ago. Why are we still discussing him?" I know, I know, but sometimes my heart gets desperate. But I wasn't desperate before him, why would that change now? I'm letting it go. Too many signs that have shown their selves to me, all I need to do is pay attention. I'm literally putting him in the Friend box (who can have too many friends) and leaving it at that. If he starts flirting again I will remind myself that he knows no better and to ignore it. He is not the one for me.

Now that I've gotten that distraction out of the way. Its time to refocus my energy back on myself. Tired of talking about what I'm gonna do, its time to make things happen. So lets just say that my theme music is playing in the back of my mind again and its time to live it. "So I like what I see when I'm looking at me and walking past the mirror!" Gotta get to that place.

I am appreciating my reflection more and more these days. When I wake up in the morning I am thankful I don't need tons and tons of makeup to look like myself. I know that I have a pretty good foundation and its just time to build on that. I don't even know what my style is anymore. I don't think I've had a style since I was a teenager. Its time to change that. I need to start looking for what I feel defines me. Ooh! I do know that I love short jackets and high waisted skirts and pants. Think Prince in the early 90's (which was kind of like a 50's style revisited). I can do without the ruffle blouses, but I loved the pants. Double breasted and high waisted. As I think about it, I love Overalls and Jumpers! So comfortable and Classic if done right. I love corsets, and fishnets! Denim is one of my FAVs and I love sleek looks. Hmmmmm, I don't know how that translates into a style for me. But at least I'm coming up with likes in my mind. If you don't know about Made U Look on here... you need to check it out. I LOVE her style and how she puts things together. I think I will study at her feet for a few years and until I master the creation of an ensemble on a budget on my own. I love the fact that she proudly will tell you she thrifted something and made it FANTASTIC! That's what I need in my life. FABULOUSNESS on a budget. Cant worry the nonexistent men in this town. Once I have myself together, I know my Father will provide "The One" for me. I know it.

I think about the All White party I went to a few months back. I put that whole outfit together. I was so proud of myself when it all came together. I felt BEAUTIFUL that nite and proud of what I put together. Altho my sister and little cousin picked out the hair, I told them what I wanted and then they told me which way to go.

I was very pleased with myself this evening, I wasnt the FAT girl, I was just me. AND!!!!!!! I'm wearing WHITE!!!!! Hello! White is not a flattering color at all, but the look came together nicely, and I have no complaints.
I wanna feel like that every day, even on my "bummy" days I wanna feel comfortable as myself. Well here's to working on me. SMILES! I believe I'm worth the effort.

For Real?????

So last night and this morning I found myself doing something I rarely ever do. I was thinking about The Monkey. And it wasn't in a "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" Well I take that back, I don't have any love for him so it wasn't in like I was happy to think about him. But I guess what it was, was this... I'm trying to grow up and part of that means being honest with yourself about something. First time I was honest was when I said out loud, that my anger normally stems from my pain. And I guess when I was explaining to my sister yesterday that I'm not really MAD about my friend's husband for remarrying (marriage to happen shortly), its just "I'm" not ready for him to move on. His choice to do so hurts me so I react ANGRILY! But I'm not mad at him, I just cant handle it, so I still refuse to deal with it. But at least I can say I'm not MAD at him.

But then I thought about The Monkey... That relationship was so traumatic that how many years later it still hurts like it was a few minutes ago. Yes, I loved him, and to be honest I know he loved me, he just didn't know how. He was so selfish and young there's no way that was gonna work out. Not that his age is what I mean by young I mean the immaturity exercised in our relationship. So many things happened so rapidly in that relationship that sometimes I forget about certain things until they come up, and then I'm like OH YEA, I went through that too. I'm never glad that I went through that whole ordeal. I didn't get married to get divorced and that bothers me more than most things in that relationship, but I am happy that I can relate to people on a level that others try to hide or pretend doesn't exist in theirs.

He's the reason I don't divulge my past experiences easily. He would ask me about my past (now when I look back I can truly see how insecure and retarded the whole thing was) and then he'd react as if this were something that happened while we were together. Nope don't have to live that nightmare twice. But my child's father suffers from a milder version of the same issue. Although I was reluctant to discuss my past, the things I did tell him, I would hear about them later. So how does that affect me today, even tighter lipped than before. I just don't see any good resulting from Harboring on the past. The things you need to know I'll tell but don't look for me to be just open about it. NOPE! But there were good times, they were rare and far in between. But every once in a while I'll remember something that was good and go "oh yea" I must've hung in there for something.

So I was thinking about him in the sense that hmmmmmm it would be a lie to say I'm not angry about the things that happened or how things ended up. But I am more HURT than anything about the way things happened. Hurt that I actually expected him to love me like he promised. I'm hurt that he never tried to make things right, I feel robbed of so many things. Not that he cares, cared, or even understood all the things he robbed me of. Instead of giving me a bag he gave me a whole dump truck full of issues.

I'm sitting here to trying to hide as I type this. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to be beautiful, meticulous, and excellent. Someone like him, someone like them are the only ones who seem to notice. Or who seem to notice when I am free to do anything about it. I think I'm at capacity for bad relationships, I dont want another one like I've had. But I do want a relationship.... Doesnt make sense huh.

I cant get the next thought out. I keep typing and deleting. I guess I should just accept progress as progress and not for all the answers to present theirselves today. But I am beautiful, and I'm tired of trying to make myself as unappealing as possible. I actually enjoy being beautiful, if there was a way to do it without incurring any more monsters I think I would JUMP on it. I gotta lot to figure out. SIGH! I'm crying on the inside right now. So MANY tears!

Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

I love this dress! I wish I could have it in silver one day! I know you're not supposed to pick out the dress before you have the guy, but I have no choice! I LOVE this dress! Cant I just buy it and then find the guy?????
Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

Cant stop eating!!!!

I know I'm supposed to do an emotional check like every hour (because I'm so dramatic internally) but I don't want to. But what I have noticed is that I actually feel hungry these days. It may sound weird but I don't experience "hunger" too often. Most times I eat because I know I should, or something looks good. Not because I'm actually hungry. And even when I have a little hunger situations normally its satisfied by minimal intakes of food. Most times everyone else is hungry before I am. WHY oh WHY am I HUNGRY???? What am I hungry for???? Well I know what I'm hungry for, but eating ain't gonna get it for me. I gotta get back on track, everything is out of control right now. I have almost everything I need to redo my room. My bed in the bag, my bathroom towels, I just to get some more pillows, and the curtains can come eventually. But no, I don't wanna put my things together until my room is clean. Why wont I clean it????? If you could answer that for me I think I just might KISS YOU! I don't know what my brain is going through right now. I wish I could just shape up and fly right, but I'm all over the place. I feel wounded and I don't know exactly why. UGH! A day in the life of EMOTIONAL Lizzy for sure! Every day is unstable it seems. I got things I need to be cute for next month and the beginning of November. What I do today affects my tomorrow. UGH! One day at a time? For most, but for me its one moment at a time... I gotta live moment to moment these days. :o(

4get it!

I didnt last a week.... oh well. 2 sad 2b away.... oh well.

Crazy, Stupid, Love!

I loved this movie! Emma Stone.... love her! Ryan Gosling....love him! Steve Carrell..... LOVE HIM! I loved the story line, I love the story twist.... (SIGH!!!) Love! Is there any greater emotion?

Infected!

Has anyone ever infected your brain? They become the bacteria that is causing your brain to malfunction. You cant you love them because you don't, and its a stretch to say you like them, because is there any real reason to? But yet, you think about them... You think about them a lot. You don't know why you do, but you do. Sometimes when you talk to them they get on your nerves, and its not like they've shown you all the admirable qualities that you normally fall for, but yet they're on your brain. WHAT IS THAT???? Infection right? How else would you explain it? Even when you try to get mad at them... it just doesn't work. You don't even know them, WHY? There has to be a antibiotic somewhere. Something to turn them off. I mean at best they get on your nerves more often than not, cause they always find a way to say the wrong thing.

I guess I should explain. Normally my crush starts with something the person says. Every once in awhile its just appearance, but that is forgivable. But normally he will say something that speaks to me. Resonates within me. Or maybe its not something they said but something that they're about. Something, not just a all the sudden there they are. And is it acceptable to like someone just because they liked you? That seems WEAK to me. Just not an acceptable answer. But alas, they never admitted to liking you. SAD FACE! It doesn't matter that their actions appeared that way, when they opened their mouth or expressed what was on their mind.... NOPE! Feelings hurt! Yes! A conversation with my father said NO WAY JOSE! Being that I've already wasted my time on a pointless adventure I just really don't want to waste my time and energy again. So in all logic there appears to be no point right, but my mind betrays me. It doesn't stick to the plan. But, right, right! He doesn't like me, regardless of what he alludes to, when asked, he wont own it. So what's the point? A life full of misery I do not want. Pulling back I must. Just because someone's smart enough to notice me, doesn't mean that I have to slow down to notice them back. Aw! This makes me sad... so sad! No seriously, really sad here....

Here's another song to express my mood.... not completely but you get my point:

Sometimes I wonder by the look in your eyes
When I'm standing besides you
There's a fever burning deep inside
Is there anything in your memory?
Do you think of that someone
When you hear that special melody?

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

(Chorus)
There'll be sad songs to make you cry
Love songs often do
They can touch the heart of someone new
Saying I love you

I often wonder how it could be
You loving me
Two hearts in perfect harmony
I count the hours until that day
A rhapsody play
A melody for you and me

Until the moment when you give your love to me
You're the one I care for
The one that I will wait for

chorus (2x)

You're my desire
You take me higher
My love is like a river running so deep

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

chorus (2x)

saying I love you
I love you

~ Billy Ocean

FB Withdrawals!!!!

OK so I know this is a crime and a shame, but I am seriously going through FB withdrawals. I finally sat down and watched The Social Network. I think I followed the emotion that they were trying to convey with the movie. Yea, I felt sorry for the guy. He liked maybe loved a girl and when she said she preferred a certain type of guy over him, he just wanted to impress her. Show her that he was better. Even when they stated that the girl was deposed the things she said hurt his feelings. It was almost like the movie was his apology to her. At least that's the way I saw it. I mean they end the movie with him looking at her profile picture, she was the one that got away. AW! Maybe my lack of love is what is causing me to see the story in this light. But I liked the movie, and I keep thinking about it. The only thing is that they talk so FAST and in a monotone half the time. This is definitely a movie I'll have to watch more than once just understand everything that's happening. Kind of like the remake of Pride and Prejudice, I had to watch it with subtitles and everything to understand the words that were coming out their mouths so FAST, but I LOVE THE MOVIE!

So here I sit not knowing what my friends and Family are saying. Not seeing the pictures they're posting. Feeling so disconnected from everyone. SAD FACE! BUT!!!!!! I was venting too much on there. I was taking obvious shots at people, and being misunderstood too often. UGH! I talk TOO much, never really been good at being quiet. Imagine that. If I don't know you, you'd think I was the quietest person EVER. And if you didn't know me you'd think I was shy and non-silly. But I am one of the silliest goofiest people I know. I LOVE to laugh, and quote movies and songs. Even when I didn't have words, I could post the music, the soundtracks of my life. SAD FACE! Now I feel voiceless! OK so I stopped playing the games and that was major, a major time waster. and so what it started because I couldn't get on my computer properly to play the games. Either way the effects of not playing the games didn't hit me like this.

Could it be that FB has become another Ice Cream addiction to me? Which one would I choose? If I had to choose between Ice Cream and FB which would I choose? WHOA! Until I just asked that question I didn't think it would be a hard answer. WHY does this make me feel like I wanna break down and CRY???? I think I'm emotional today anyways. I've been emotional all week.

This song suits my mood right now:

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and Forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me salivate
Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and Forever
Our love is like a floc of doves
Flying off to heaven above
Always and Forever
Always and Forever (Kip crying)

Yep, I think that's it right there. I couldnt have said it better myself.

She Killed FB! U *$#&$ LOL!

OK so I hit the deactivate button on my FB for a moment. If one more emotional outburst came from that site, I don't know what I would do with myself. This last one was because someone FINALLY realized how emotionally attached they were to a situation and went berserk. Oh my goodness. I am all for making impulsive decisions, I think I do this quite often. But when you make them just deal with the consequences. WHY? Because you made the choice now stand by it, even if you didn't weigh all the options. Well this person doesn't do that all the time, and I strongly feel in this situation they didn't do this either. So my comment although it came to mind because of their situation wasn't really about them. But they took it personal and felt the need to tell me how it hurt them.... OK so I apologized as I wasn't intending to be mean or evil or anything like that. I was just simply asking my FB fam a question like I normally do once a week or so. But OK. The hand is writing on the wall, and I don't need Daniel to interpret this one for me. I gotta slow it down. It felt weird deactivating my account though. I've been addicted to FB for over a year now. I think its been two.... my text messages aren't even hoping like they normally do. I don't know what people are saying. What funny or memorable pictures they're posting. What music everyone's listening to. Whoa! This may be harder than I think. But I'm gonna give it a try, take it moment by moment. Breath by breath. I've been putting everything on FB, I gotta slow my roll. Pull back if u will. DEEP BREATH I CAN DO THIS! YES I CAN! YES I CAN! Watch out now.

Upsetting & Disgusting

So last night was my baby's recital. First of all like my child said neither auditoriums that we were in were big enough to house the amount of guest. All kinds of Fire Marshall laws, I'm sure, were violated by the amount of people that were stuffed into each room. So annoying as it was to be crowded into a room full of people you didn't know, it went on and on. It started at 7pm and didn't end until a quarter to midnight. And as if that was annoying enough with its self THEN my child's father is there with his girl friend who was looking her matronly age (old enough to be his mother literally). So he had to know they were the butt of all of our inside jokes. Annoyed I was WHY WAS SHE THERE??? And then I was looking a HOT MESS! Annoying! Then because everyone was moving slow and my child's last minute request made me arrive on time, but not early enough to be completely away from them. UGH! One of my girls was there with her child to support my baby. I pointed them out to her and she was floored. Then I told her, "Oh but wait. He has a chick who works here wait til you see her." So the evening started in room on the 1st floor and then it moved to the 2nd floor auditorium. So when I finally go up to the 2nd floor of course all the seats were taken. I had to make a seat in the stairway next to my father who was sitting behind my child's father. UGH! So basically I was sitting next to him. Then the chick that works there... who was dressed very cute.... Interesting when she NEVER dresses up for these functions and was the only staff member who was dressed up.... Goes center stage her eyes kept coming back to my child's father. DISGUSTING! My girl noticed even. After the show when all I want is my child so I can go home did his girlfriend stop me to shake my hand. Already irritated by everything else I was not in the mood for that moment. But OK whatever, I just wasn't in the mood for CATTY FEMALES! As we're walking to find my child did the working chick stop my child's father to say "I'll see you tomorrow" and then walk away.... she wouldn't even look at me. But I was thinking "DUDE! His girlfriend is right there." I shook my head at my girl because that CHICK deserves more than I can allow my Christian Conscious  give her right now. I wonder what his girlfriend thought about that interaction. But regardless it PISSED me off. Completely and totally disrespectful! My child isn't participating in their events to have to come there and deal with that ridiculousness. I went home cranky and irritated.... Still irritated, his girl friend shouldn't have been there for one. And then for two you need to check your chick on the side, she's ridiculous! I know there are ignorant people who get off on situations like that. But I'm thinking if he's willing to do that with you female what do you think he's going to do when its your turn female! I HATED the whole scene. HATED IT! And then its like how in the world did I ever love this person? He's a whore, and there's nothing respectable about that. He called me and got on my nerves. I don't know if he hung up or my phone disconnected, but his calling me for dumb stuff was just a sign of his guilty conscious. All bets are off, I will not worry about having guys in his face, or whatever. He can walk right in on it for all I'm concerned.

A closed mouth

But here's what's been plaguing me. You know how there's a difference between talking to someone who knows you and just talking to newly found friends or established relationships. Well talking to a old friend last Friday made something stand out in my brain that tons of others have said but they got the enraged answer. He told me to talk to the guy I'm FURIOUS with! Now others have said the same thing, maybe in reference to this guy I'm not sure but it hit me hard last night while I was sitting during service. All the sudden Eric's voice moved me to action, and although I called the unfortunate he didn't answer. Nor did I leave a message... but here's what kind of clicked inside of me. I have not been one to hold back my words when it came to them (all my guy friends from the past). Now I'm sitting in silence brewing in my anger. That's not like me at all. I know that the last three years for me have been filled with turbulence and angst to say the least. I can see how I somewhat lost the grip of who I am. So I may try again shortly, I may but I wont be calling him for answers. I'll be purging and then I'll be done with it. He can be an idiot all he wants to be over there. But as for me over here, I got some THANGS I need to get off my chest. (SMILES!)

Um?????

You know what.... I cant call it. I don't know what to think about you anymore. Do you like me? Or don't you? I don't know. Everyone around me seems to say yes, but I'm not so sure. Why? Because you aren't doing anything that you didn't do before and when I confirmed my interest in you, you informed me that you were dating. So with that I proceed with caution. I think I might like you, you know I really cant say whether I do or I don't. I like the attention and I know this is a messed up thing to say but I'm just telling the truth. I don't like how you handled things before. I do not like how that made me look at you. But guarded with you I am, so I haven't taken the time to take inventory in regards to you. Why? Maybe for fear that my feelings haven't changed and that maybe I do like you. Oh how scary but exciting that would be for me. Or maybe I don't like you, and that would just... I don't know what it would be. Part of me just wishes you would step one way or another, at least then I would know which way to go. But that doesn't appear to always be your style, regardless of whatever you've already rejected me once WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I PUT MYSELF ON THE LINE FOR YOU AGAIN? My self esteem cant handle such blows. I don't want to sit and try to figure you out, I want you to step up and say what you feel. But I don't see you doing that, which is confusing to me, because I consider you to be a man. But honestly I don't know you well enough to know what makes you tick. You haven't been all that open with me... or I should say we haven't had the opportunity to interact all that much. So I don't know how to read you. I guess I'll just keep working on praying away my thoughts in your direction. I don't have time for another heartache.

Motivation

So yesterday my thoughts were all over the place. Missing my girl like crazy, and even feeling it in my toes that I couldn't just call up her and say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! And the fact that I couldn't call her hubby and grieve with him as he has moved on with his life. So needless to say self medicating on Saturday night led to total sickness on Sunday. I laid on the couch all day. At one point I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn't until yesterday as I drove into work that I realized what my malfunction was. I mean I kind of questioned the tears, but that isn't exactly a new thing with me these days.

Any who, my lovely and wonderful cousin just so happened to reach out to me right after I said a silent prayer for relief. She refocused all my angst and pain into something more positive. Originally last year amongst a ton of other reasons, my girl's passing was an eye opener as to how much I should value and appreciate my health and the body that I'm in. I took off like a rocket. Lost weight like you wouldn't believe and had a lovely support system at the time. Even when my support fell off I was still at it and doing well. But then I burned out, I couldn't maintain anger and proper management of my diet. Horrible, but the truth nonetheless. I'm still angry, but I'm looking up for relief from my inner furnace. So again I'm attempting to move forward and become the person that I know I am on the inside outwardly.

I will try my best to read Marianne's words daily as I feel like this poem/motivational statement applies so well to me.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

So here I go again. On my program officially today, and so far so good. This is a moment by moment process for me as sometimes I put things in my mouth without even thinking. But yesterday I went home and exercised some. It felt really good. Thanx Nae, you have been a great source of motivation to me.

Anxious!!!!

Do you  ever fear putting yourself on the line? Well as I get older my walls go up faster, due to past experiences. And lately you can get shut out pretty easily. Doesn't take much just step on a crack. LOL! So my mind keeps translating a conversation one way, but it appears that others who read about it translate it another. Don't worry sticking to my guns, I ain't playing stupid that easily EVER again. BUT there is a part of my brain that keeps wondering. Which is making me anxious and making me fight with myself. Last time I listened to people and the way they painted the picture, I found out it wasn't that way. Not willing to go through that again, half of me is curious to see if I'm missing something. But the other half KNOWS better. Not missing a thing and although it may seem like there's something there. I should know better by now that its really not there. Coming back to reality, forget the fairy tales.

U just ran across my mind

OK so, I was talking to a friend and my Ex came up. Talking to her tripped me out. I can clearly see and remember how much I LOVED him. I don't even know how to put it in words to explain and/or describe it. But if you've ever loved someone you know exactly what I'm talking about. How when you even just think about that person how your chest just fills up with so much love. I miss having that feeling in my life. I miss loving someone that much. I found an old journal and the journal reminded me of when I succumbed to that feeling for him. It brought tears to my eyes. To know what I know now and remember what I thought then. I was supposed to be doing something else and found myself totally winded. I had to sit down, and all week I cant help but think about it. I remember the instant that love swelled up in my chest and it stayed there for YEARS! So much so that I was letting everything around me fall apart as long as he was a part of my life I didn't care. Then here I sit today, accuse me of loving that boy and I might cut you. LOL! NO! He is not the man for me, he was close but he was not the one. It took me over a decade to realize that. Oh how I cry over the time wasted there. So now I look up and everyone else is paired off. No one for me to link up with and call my own. Oh well, stuck remembering a feeling that I'll probably never experience again. Hurts to even face that fact. But its true, I haven't got the skin or tolerance to deal with the rejects which are the only reason why they're available now. I know that isn't fair to say, because that could go both ways. But it is my reality right now, and the depth of my optimism today.

Survey Says.....(natrual relaxer)

OK so I did it. My hair came out HECK of soft. My hair was very moisturized which made it easier to get my Denman brush through. And I have been enjoying the curly affects of my ponytail ends with the brush. As far as a relaxed curl pattern. I didn't notice that as much as, but hey I'll take deep conditioning affects any day. Maybe I need to do it more than once before I notice an affect on my curl pattern. Oh and I left it on longer than 45 minutes. So hey, once I've gotten the art of doing this more than just the one time then I'll be able to say for sure.

Self Control

OK so, I try daily to recognize my limitations. On some levels I do pretty OK in that regard. But I'm having the hardest time mastering self control. My mind is racing around the things I would LOVE to indulge in but I have no proper outlet. For whatever reason the things I would love are beyond my reach. I would love to travel and see new things, I lack the funds, I would love to take a dance class, but I lack the funds. I could go on and on. Disappointed I am. My mind and heart battle each other constantly. When the bible said the flesh is weak... it AIN'T EVER LIED! It helps not to count the time, but frustration does get the better of me for sure. OK, lace up my boot straps and stop whining... um, um I'll try... MAJOR SAD FACE!

Its Here! Its Here!

I'm so excited! My ingredients arrived and now I will attempt the Deep conditioner a.k.a. Natural Relaxer! I cant wait! I cant wait! I cant stop thinking about all of the hair possibilities if this mess works....YAY!EXCITED! EXCITED! I will let you know what I think once its done... YAY!

My Heavy Heart!!!

OK so, here's what it is. You can only take a person as serious as they present their self to be. Now initially I cant fault myself for falling for the game. How was I to know that it was all just a game? But now, here it is.... Nice guy for the most part, or at least as far as I can see. But definitely into playing games. Now I don't know if that stems from insecurity or deviousness. There is a difference although I don't know if the outcome is really all that different. Either way there's pain that I don't have skin thick enough to withstand, so.... I say again I bow out...I'm not into games and clearly games are afoot here. Yea, the attention would've been nice. I'm not gonna lie, the thought of being appreciated was a nice thought. No, the thought of being wanted and appreciated really made me excited. Put a smile on my face and made me happy. But it was just an idea... one that once again I'll have to let it go. Oh it makes me sad to even think about it. But the pain of another bad relationship or one that seems all one sided... I don't have it in me to do again. I gotta find it in myself to focus on me and do things to make me happy with me. And 4get them all. The sooner I accept that this is my life and how its gonna be for the rest of the time we have left on this side, hopefully, the sooner I can move on. I cant focus on how disappointing this all is. I gotta do what has to be done next... which is nothing.

LIGHT BULB!!! I know, a little prayer goes a LONG way! So I'm going to stop here. Say one HUGE prayer for my heavy heart and keep it moving... I will get over this all the same, its just like anything else.

My Goodies!!! Part 2

OK so, as of yesterday all my goodies FINALLY arrived, but then I turned around and ordered some more things. So first let me tell you. I don't know how I've lived these thirty plus years of my life without vegetable glycerin and Argan oil???? Shea Butter and Coconut oil????? Its like come on... I don't even know. I found a old spray bottle that works perfectly in my closet. So I mixed Vegetable Glycerin, Tea Tree oil, EVOO, Peppermint Oil (for stimulation a.k.a. tingles & aroma), JBCO, Jojoba Oil, Argan oil, and water in the bottle. My hair has been loving this mixture. I did add the Rosemary oil to this mixture but I don't think I will repeat that addition next time (the rosemary keeps making me think of food, LOL!). I mixed some in a small spray bottle for Zimo to try on her dreads....survey says... HER HAIR LOVES IT! Ding! Ding! Ding! But my all time favorite thus far has been the "concotion" as my child and I call it. I mixed Shea Butter, Coconut oil, Argan Oil, and Peppermint oil and we use this in lue of lotion... MY SKIN LOVES IT! My child LOVES IT! I mixed a small portion as a tester, and we loved it so much I then made larger mixture. I tell you we love this oil. I keep telling everyone I know about this mixture as it will help with Eczema, Psoriasis, and extremely dry skin.... like I've stated before I have some kind of a skin condition going on. Its neither of the two mentioned but my skin has been responding well to this mixture as well. I can tell this will be a staple in my house...

But THEN!!!!!! I saw this video on YouTube about a natural "relaxer" and so when I watch it. I realize that its not actually a "relaxer" in the sense of the word "relaxer" that we think of. Actually its a deep conditioning treatment. Oh my once I finally get my Huetiful Steamer its gonna be even better. But I ordered the items needed to try this treatment on my hair yesterday. I cant wait to try it. It doesn't make your hair straight but it "relaxes" the natural curl pattern of your hair. I hope it works. I will post the video, and then my thoughts after I've tried it myself. Stay tuned. :o)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQD5vt5-3AI&list=PL4BEE3FB3DD0EF15C

My Goodies!

My goodies are coming! My goodies are coming! Yay! I finally found vegetable glycerin on Amazon.com. I HOPE my hair likes it, as I TRULY believe the key to love and healthy hair is moisture. VG is a humectant and is supposed to keep your hair moisturized. I need a good Spritz bottle, I think I will look for that today. Also my coconut oil arrived. I couldn't wait to get home, I put just a dab on the end of my ponytail and on my feet. (BIG CHEESE!) I ordered Rosemary Oil, more Jamaican Black Castor Oil, Peppermint oil, Argan Oil, and.... I think there might be one more thing...  My hair has been breaking off something terrible, and I think its because I was getting wash happy with my hair for a minute there. Some folks can wash their hair everyday or cowash everyday, I don't think my hair likes that. At three days I want to do it again, but my hair likes once a week best.... OH YEA! I ordered Henna too! YIKES! I've heard wonderful things about Henna I'm just a little scared to do it. It may sit in my bathroom for a minute... But I'm gonna do it eventually. I'll need all day to do it anyways. But I cant wait to play MAD Scientist in my kitchen mixing up my Spritz for my hair. And I'm praying it works out like I'm hoping it does. My dream is to have hair down my back. And I don't mean shoulder or middle of the back.... I'm talking back of knees. I great grandmother had hair like that, but she was a totally different person than I am. My aunt has hair down her back like that. But again she's a different person than I am and totally different hair type. My hair has broken off so much I doubt it would hit my neck when straightened... SIGH! Back to the drawing board. But this is also why I'm excited about my new goodies. They will help put me on the road to recovery. I CANNOT WAIT! LONG, THICK, FLOWING HAIR!!!!!  That's my goal, that's where I wanna be!

Vitamin D

OK, So all my lab results are in. And the only MAJOR point of notice is that I am Vitamin D deficient. So I have to take a prescription for that, but other than that my levels are all within normal range. Some may say GOOD, but I say how good? I printed out all my levels and the past four year's numbers so that I can compare my numbers. I also printed some information about each test. Tonight I will be reading up on where I actually fall in each category and then ways to improve those numbers. Yes, I am a little phobic right now. But my people that I love and care about keep passing away, and it scares me. Yep, I'm internalizing everything but oh well what else can I do?????

Sitting here with a HEAVY heart!

OK so, about two days ago I noticed a pain in my chest as I attempted to cross my arms. INSTANTLY my brain went into FULL alarm! Three of my Aunts (one who lost the battle) have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer on my Father's side and one on my mother's. I immediately made an appointment with my OB/GYN as I was due for my three year check up any ways. I could barely sleep last night due to anxiety about it and other things but we'll get to that in a minute. I was so anxious this morning that I just knew my blood pressure would be up when I got to the office, but actually my pressure was pretty good. With all my anger issues, I just know that's gonna hit me one day. I try my hardest to avoid lots of salt, etc because I know where it leads. But any who, after talking with the doctor and although she found nothing to alarm her she still sent me for a mammogram so that I could rest easily tonight. I was near tears in that office, who am I kidding a few tears escaped my eyes. OK so mammograms.... not the business, but it is what needed to happen. Afterwards I called my parents and my mom assured me that if there were anything wrong they would've said something right away during the visit. OK makes me feel better. But I'm still nerved up... OK so then the other part....

I don't understand this game.... something doesn't add up for sure. I mean solitary observation for about a year. Well not completely solitary because I was aware of it. But I didn't think much of it as he didn't speak on it. When he finally made a move I was receptive. Then things started happening and I showed that I was open to the idea... then he shot me down. HURT my feels for sure. Took me a minute to just admit I was hurt by it and to just let it go. So when I calm down, here he comes again, only this time I keep telling myself don't fall for it. He's saying the same things he said before which leads nowhere, and he only asked for your friendship. I don't understand why his friendship has to feel like its intended to be more than he says he wants it to be. I don't understand that? So my mind wonders what it is that makes him conflict his self this way. I tell myself not to care, but I'm not as cold blooded as I would like to be. :o(  Still! I know better than to act on it or even speak on it. Just trying to take the compliment as a compliment but keep it moving. Easier said than done, but it is what I'm trying to do. I dont understand how you're supposed to feel special about something you cant get excited about? Maybe that's just it... this isnt the right glass slipper for me. :o( I know how much I wanted it to be, but when it doesnt add up, it doesnt add up.

This is why Dad's are important

No matter what a Male's approach to things will be different than a woman's. I normally tend to see something and then the female in me talks me down and tells myself its not what I thought. Until in the end I end up telling myself I should've listened to myself in the first place. I feel every child needs their father whether they choose to appreciate their parent or not is up to the child. But given the chance and opportunity most children will choose to accept and love their fathers. It takes a "special" type of father that makes their children want nothing to deal with them. Not saying that there aren't father who are unworthy, but each person has to decide that for their self when they're ready.
As for me... I was born a "Daddy's Girl"! My Daddy was my EVERYTHING for the longest time. I loved my mom, but my daddy... that was it for me. But what happens when you put someone up on a pedestal??? Eventually they fall because they're imperfect. OK so, my daddy fell and its been the last I don't know how many years of me trying to figure out where to put him. Yesterday I had the Daddy's Girl experience again. I told him, "you know, I haven't picked your brain in a long time... I need to run something by you".  So I told him about the latest "situation" in my life. It was like he was giving voice to that little voice that has been trapped in my head. Confirming what I thought already just made me feel like "YES!" my father has spoken. Now honestly there's a little part that wanted to say "No Daddy you don't understand..." but in the end I know he's right. And I just need to stop before I end up in ANOTHER situation. :(  My heart says that my daddy is right, and so I pray for the clarity to get it together.
What happened you ask? Well there was this guy, I saw him watching me for a while, but I didn't pay it any real attention. If you haven't noticed the past 2 - 3 years haven't been my finest moments for sure. Well when he approached me in a friendly manner, my feelings took it and ran with it. I found myself liking him, and in the worst way cause I couldn't give you any real reasons why, just that I did. Well when I was honest with him about how I felt he did a whole "SIKE!" I'm not trying to go there with you thing. UGH! Hurt my feelings yes he did which in the end pissed me off. I don't like or participate in the games that Brothers play and here he was playing them. I wouldn't even talk to him. So after lots of prayer and conversations with myself I told myself to calm down and be nice. In the course of that he starts doing "things" again, and my brain is saying WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? So I had to ask my daddy to break it down for me. Help me see this situation clearly because I wasn't getting it. Once he said the words that makes my mind throw up, its like the light came on. My daddy put this guy in the same category as my ex's YIKES! PUMP BRAKES! My daddy says "how do these guys keep finding you???" And you know what, I don't know.... But I don't want to play the games or end up strung out again in a BAD relationship whether he acknowledges it or not. So YES! We can be friends, but it wont go any further than that. The thing is that I'm a good friend if I do say so myself. I have a very nurturing personality, and I love to build people up. But I don't like being lied to or led to a conclusion when its really not where you're not going as well. Here's what my life has taught me, guys like this... there's only so far you can go with them. As far as me in their lives, they love me, and don't want anyone else to have me. But to actually be with me, and be good to me, that's what I haven't experienced. So I'll continue to hold out and wait for the one that's actually looking for me. As for this one, we can be friends, who couldn't use another guy friend in their life? But I wont look for anything more than a friendship from this one, and when I honestly listen to the things he's said... that's all he's really asking for anyways... all that extra stuff is just fluff. I don't know why he does that, but I cant sit here and worry about it either. a closed mouth doesn't get fed, and if your mouth only ever opens to remind me that you're only looking for friendship then hey who am I to fight that? Who am I? I would say back to the drawing board, but in all honesty I never left the drawing board. I've been here all the time.

Lack of enthusiasm

Life lacking enthusiasm... I LONG for a love that I could rejoice openly about. A man who wont run away when I express elation about the acknowledgement of his love and admiration for and of me. Its like you cant tell someone you like them these days. You gotta play hard to get, and you never get the chance to just be SPRUNG anymore. I HATE all the games, and I don't want to play them. I always say people who play games get played. However those who don't play the game get left behind. I'm tired of being left behind, left to discretion and removed from enjoyment of a feeling that was meant for me to experience. All I ever know is disappointment and let down. Settlements of a lack of affection that I have waited my entire life to feel. I'm tired oh so tired! I wanna feel it, I wanna feel every ounce of it. Every drop! I wanna lose sleep because I FEEL SO GOOD! I wanna be HAPPY to come home, and HAPPY to build a home!

Sadness and Confusion

1st off the sadness... my grandfather passed away. Although I had no emotional reaction when my father called me Friday full of anguish and pain. Going into his house on Saturday morning brought me to my KNEES! And from which I don't think I've quite gotten up yet. I have a bad attitude sometimes, and its a struggle to keep that in check and to mind my place in this world. But the interesting thing is that unless someone tells me I was COMPLETELY wrong I see how people end up running around spouting their opinions about things that really should be none of their business. But he and I didn't see eye to eye about most things. The underlying issues were bigger than the small things we silently argued about. Oh well I told him I loved more than once after our feud began and each time it was me reaching out to him, never the other way around. Not surprising but just the way things happened. My family is hurting and there's nothing I can really do to make anything better for them, so I just kind of hurt as well.

2nd confusion.... What I don't understand is if I'm praying not to think about you. Its like you can feel a disturbance in the force and you do "things" to make me think about you. I don't know if its intentional or if I'm making something out of nothing. But I don't want to think about you, especially if you're not thinking about me. We've been here done this remember and I got banana cream pie in the face last time. No, I will not hold my breath or be checking for you. But I am starting to get a little confused by it all. Maybe you're just looking for a friend. I guess that's not the worse. But that's not exactly what I'm looking for these days. My agenda is kind of full and seriously I'm looking for something real. I guess I should remember that when our friendship started to bloom last time I ran in the wrong direction. That's not what you came for, or even wanted from me. It doesn't help to imagine something's there when it really isn't. Thank you for helping me talk myself down. "FRIENDS" is all we'll ever be, and I shouldn't look for you to ever be more than just that to me.

Venting

So as usual, I'm sitting over here brewing about something... Talking to a family member yesterday they laid some pretty "heavy" news on me. It was about a dear friend, so I text them to find out if there was anything new. They told me they would call me later on in the day. So I assumed the worst and don't you just HATE it when you don't make a donkey out of yourself for assuming. I did a lot of praying before my friend and I spoke, which is the reason I didn't feel like I had put my foot in my mouth by the end of the conversation. But it was true, and it seems like I'm the only person hurting. My friend seemed happy about the news and I was surprised to hear all who were on board with this situation. But alas what difference does it make right. The needs of men and women differ greatly and the ability to satisfy those needs differ as well. My friend has decided to remarry (SCREAMS! AGONY! ANY OTHER DRAMATIC EXPRESSION PLEASE INSERT HERE!) it hurts me. And if only because maybe I was foolish enough to believe that my friend would remain single. But the rules are different for men and women I see. If a man wants to remarry he can and will. For a woman she can easily remain single for the rest of her life and no one would even notice. Am I jealous? Kind of! But this hurts more than jealousy but I cant find the words to express it. I had a good conversation with my friend and to my surprise I ended the conversation at almost two hours. My child was coming home and I needed to have dinner ready, besides I didn't exactly want to continue to harp on my disapproval. I kindly told him I would NEVER point him in the direction he's going in. But honestly, would I point him in any direction???? NO! I know its his choice, and he seems happy so far with his choice... But UGH! He told me that I was invited to his home, but I told him I couldn't come. I told him I'm too emotional still, and I know me. When our paths cross I'm gonna be the only one hurting, oh well my issue not theirs. I spent my evening in suspension, and woke up that way too. It wasn't until I was walking up the office that I realized I left the house completely naked in the face. I washed my face this morning and kept it moving. Trying to focus on my hair anything other than the pain I feel right now. I was supposed to call Zimo after I talked to him, but I cant even talk about it. I dont really wanna discuss it, HURTS!

So let me backup a bit...
This weekend I was talking to an acquaintance and I mentioned that I was not content in my singleness... Did she get excited? LOL! Which kind of scared me, and suddenly all my insecurities came rushing to the top. The next day she points out a eligible bachelor... and instead of thinking of myself. I could only think of how my cousin was more worthy than me. Discussing this with a friend later she then gets on my case about how I deserve a mate, etc, etc. Did I mention how compliments make me uncomfortable? STUPID right? Like anyone else I like to receive them and long for them especially when I feel ignored. But compliment me and watch me squirm! I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I haven't. So this weekend I was feeling VERY hopelessly SINGLE! And even depressed about it a little.... no who am I kidding A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! And then my friend lays on me that they're dating and looking to remarry. EXCELLENT TIMING HUH!?!?!?! Oh well there isn't exactly anything wrong with his choice to my immediate knowledge. I don't wish her eternal singleness, exactly. She's just not the person I would choose for him, but like I said I wouldn't choose anyone for him personally. SO OH WELL WHO CARES IF I'M THE ONLY PERSON TRIPPIN RIGHT???? Just me... little ole un-noticeable me. oh well......

Self Esteem

I need to work on mine. I can tell someone else as the day is long why they're deserving of... but when it comes to me.... the possibility to meet a seemingly good guy presented it's self today. All I could do was think about how this guy could be the one for my very deserving and eligible cousin Nellie. When talking to a friend she asked why not me, and I could feel those scars rearing their ugly heads. YES, I want to be married, but I don't want to deal with the pain of failed relationships. How in the world will I ever marry if I don't get out there? I don't know... I guess I'm just gonna have to keep praying for the help to heal the scars that prohibit me from moving forward. I haven't got a clue on how to do that. (Sad face)

April 10th

My baby turned 13 years old today. Its official, I have a teenager. I cant believe how quickly this time is going by. It seems like only yesterday I was bringing my baby home from the hospital and then proceeding to have a panic attack as the responsibility of a person's life weighed HEAVY on my shoulders. That weight was there for many years, as I took on the responsibility of caring for my child regardless of whether their father was there or not. It took him some years but he eventually completely came around. And for a period of time the pressure slightly lifted. But that sense of responsibility eventually collapsed right back on my shoulders. Oh well such is my life, but I am ALWAYS thankful for the gift of my child. I have a good child and I am grateful!