Invisible

Has anyone ever made you feel unpretty? I remember when I was growing up on the play ground the Yard Supervisors would tell us to say "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"... And I can remember running thinking that I honestly believed that.... UNTIL they called me She-Ra! Don't laugh, cause it still hurts when I remember it. OK, kind of laugh. LOL!
I was a tom-boy. And the boys would always make fun of my super human strength, so they called me She-Ra, and I made the mistake of showing that it bothered me, and so they wouldn't stop calling me that.  It really was there only defense against me. And yea, I'd say it was effective.
Then suddenly my body started changing, and I was the 1st one to go through these changes in my class. Only 1 idiot felt the need to think that somehow my new chest was Kryptonite or something, she challenged me to a fight, and after that fight I didn't have to fight in school ever again.
Then a new girl showed up who was even more advanced than me if you can believe that, and I went back to being She-Ra! I wasn't a girl who was viewed like other girls, I was treated like some kind of super being or something. Didn't help that I had the world's hugest crush on one boy. That crush started in the fourth grade and then abruptly ended in the eighth grade. Oh but I loved me some chubby him, and he didn't see me.
Let's not add to that, that I had the world's cutest little sister. Oh my goodness when I see her in my head I remember how cute she was. People were drawn to her cuteness so much that again I didn't exist. Oh well right.... well..... Fading to the background that's what I do. Its what I've always done, I don't mind when the person right next to me shines like a beacon blinding all of us. It just annoys me when its my turn and they cant even let me have my moment. Like if someone is looking our direction couldn't you even pretend that they could be looking at me, don't assume they're looking at you (which they most likely are, but....) at least ask the question like who? Good grief!
Ooh! I just remembered a funny story. I was in the mall with my cousin and my bestie. We walked past some guys who were obviously there looking for girls. We went inside a clothing store to look at somethings. When the bravest guy walks in I started teasing my cousin as he approached like "Uh oh, he's coming for you", when he got in ear shot we all got quiet. I stopped paying attention. Then he said excuse me, now I was so used to being the after thought especially when I was with them that I thought he was saying excuse me so he could walk past me. Yes, there were plenty of other paths to walk to go deeper into the store, but I honestly didn't think of it at the moment. So I said "Oh you're excused" and I moved out of the way so he could walk past. Then he said "no I meant hello", it was then I noticed his accent and how nervous he was. But that didn't stop us all from laughing as we all thought he was saying excuse me as in he needed to get by. I guess the laughter gave the others courage because here they all came. I remember that and laugh to myself sometimes. The furthest thing from my mind was someone being interested in me. I know I've felt that way since having my baby, I gained 50lbs during my pregnancy and all in the last 3 1/2 months of it. I lost over twenty before leaving the hospital and another 10+ at home. I was almost back to my old self when I lost the will to keep fighting. My new body was DEPRESSING and my whole situation was just DEPRESSING! I lost my will to fight for me, and honestly I didn't want the attention back. This guy was a rare kind to look at me at my worse and still step. I honestly think it was a numbers game, you know when the little boys tried to see who could get the most numbers, quantity over quality. Yea well I don't like stuff like that.
There was the boy when I was growing up that I can remember the first time I saw him I thought he was cute, and then he spoke. YUCK! But every time he spoke he had to tell me how much my physical appearance appealed to him. I HATED IT! When I was telling my play brother (in my adult life) about this he acted like I was lying when I said I didn't  like the attention the guy gave me because it was superficial. But I guess a superficial person cant understand someone not being flattered by something superficial. Then I became friends with the guy's little sister, and he would send messages through her to me about his thoughts about my body. I was too young to know to tell her that I didn't want to hear it. I would just cringe whenever she told me what he said and wonder why he would say these things. Again I felt like he didn't see me either, so the feeling was NEVER returned and I would just tell him to grow up.... if I spoke to him.
I know physical attraction is the thing that gets people's attention, but I HATE that its that way. I'm not sprung off of someone until I've heard them say something that resonates in me. OH MY GOODNESS THEN I'M GONE! But there are plenty of cute guys in the world, but call me crazy but being cute isn't enough. Unfortunately sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who feels this way and the guy I tend to appreciate normally tends to have a different appreciation. So then I walk around feeling like I'm not enough.... Then I say if he isn't smart enough to see me, as I am WHY in the world should I give him the best of me first? Warped thinking I know, but I've been through a lot and I hate how long it takes for the other shoe to drop. I'd rather get it out the way in the beginning or throw the freaking shoe in the lake. LOL!
Any who, I wanna get healthy for me, but I DON'T want anyone looking at me because of it. If I'm invisible to you now, I wanna stay that way. If I was only good enough to be your friend now, DON'T come changing your tune when I'm healthy. I can feel myself getting angry at the thought of it. So today I'm going back on my program, but I don't want anyone making me FEEL badly because all the sudden they realize OH! She is pretty! I've been BEAUTIFUL the entire time, your stinking NARROW MINDED SELF just couldn't see me. So just like before close your eyes and forget that I exist! I don't want to hear about it.
Kind of out of left field huh? Well last night I went to bed thinking about someone. The last person I even dared to like, I cant even say why I liked him. No, I know why... I thought he saw me, so on General Purpose I gave him the nod. WRONG thing to do. Turns out he didn't see me, and I don't care to think more into it than my hurt feelings will allow me to. You know how we talk each other down from feeling bad about something. I hate for people to feel bad about things period, so I'll always try to reason a way out for them. But for me on the other hand.... NOPE! I actually kind of stuck my neck out there and I felt stomped on. Rejected and embarrassed I REFUSE to ever look in his direction again. I don't know what kind of game he's playing but I'm not doing it. When I tell the story to others they go, "Oh girl he just got scared blah, blah, blah..." And I'm thinking to myself scared???? Of what???? No, he didn't get scared and a lot of the times "scared" is an excuse to me. He was probably enjoying my friendship, went a little overboard, but only sees me as a friend, because I'm invisible to him. Well hey, I couldve done the strictly friend thing but that's not the way I felt he was leading me. In his defense he said he wasn't marriage material, so I had that in my mind. But if we're only friends why would you tell your mother about me? That amongst a few other things just felt leading really. So maybe in his mind that is just how you behave with friends of the opposite sex, not in my mind but OK if you say so. But I'm not playing your little game especially when you say you don't want to get married, you're not getting married. Then you tell me you're dating????? WHAT THE????? What part of the game is that.... My feelings were hurt regardless and they're still hurt. I don't want to be his friend friend. I just wanna be cool, you know like if I see him, I could just say "hey" and keep it moving like any other person. But being that I am EXTREMELY sensitive and my nerve is exposed I get mad when I see him. I keep praying to be even and to move on, but that right there, put me right back to feeling invisible. Invisibility although it can be great, it is extremely painful.