I apologize

Do you ever recognize the part you played in the mistakes of a failed relationship? I battle with this. You when I was married, he would make EVERYTHING my fault. At first I actually believed him and I believed that he was more experienced in relationships than I was. Hmmmmm, looking back now I'm not so convinced. But I'll tell you when the light came on for me. One day I did something that wasn't cool. Stuck in the house while my husband did who knows what with who knows who I made a phone call. I called an old friend and we talked for a couple of hours. It was a pleasant conversation and nothing inappropriate even came up. Well when my husband came home I felt guilty so I told him about it. Oh, he had a COMPLETE FIT! He acted so ugly and went on and on about it. I was taking it as I guess I was wrong (at the time I knew I was wrong, but now hmmmmmm). Then after a week (yes a whole week) of his ridiculousness I had to set him straight. YES, I made a phone call and I was wrong for that, BUT I told him you got females calling here all hours of the night, you're NEVER where you say you are.... I went down the whole list. Needless to say that's when he shut up about it, and I stopped taking full responsibility for the wrongs in a relationship. Now did you hear me say I was wrong for making the phone call, and it never happened again, BUT I was over taking the blame. So then fast forward to a decade later. Now I fight with this man about who shot John way back when. One thing I learned in that marriage is that the details about the past are not completely necessary. My ex would ask me questions about past relationships and then freak out. WHY???? Why would he do that to himself and to me???? Never ask questions you cant handle the answer to. So I learned that the specifics were the only details necessary to establish where you are today. Do you still love him? No! Why did the relationship end? Because he wasn't a good husband the worst actually and then to top it off he cheated on me. I ended the relationship, we don't know each other to this day. I didn't realize how well I executed this format until my child's father would make references to the fact that I hadn't really told him anything about that horrid relationship. But seriously if its your past and you're trying to build something new why dwell on it. Sometimes the two involved in the relationship don't really understand why things went the way they did... I just haven't had the experience that a guy would get and understand my past relationship and then that I wouldn't hear about it later. You know how you find it in yourself to share something about your past with someone, and then as soon as they're pushed out of shape you're hearing what they truly think about whatever it was that you shared. Or maybe its just the idiots that I've dealt with but I don't go beyond surface when talking about my past relationships. Yep each one of them hurt me, and took something away from me, not that I didn't do my own share of hurting... But my point is that I, because in the first real relationship I had the fella acted to UGLY when I tried to own my faults, developed a defense around my faults. I learned A LOT about myself in my next relationship. Still very young and uncertain about a lot of things but my goodness. I wonder does everyone paint their selves as the victim in their relationships? Does anyone ever really own where they were wrong in their relationships. A lot of my guy cousins will claim that their relationships didn't work out because the girl was "CRAZY" but when I met her she seemed perfectly sane... So who's right and who's wrong? Who ever really tells the story to tell the truth about what happened in their relationships. Hmmmm?
In my marriage, I was wrong for not really knowing what I expected of him before I married him. And then for being disappointed when he couldn't just understand what I needed. I still don't take responsibility for the demise of that relationship as I didn't get married to get divorced. I thought nothing could hurt worse than getting divorced, but I was wrong.
In my relationship with my child's father, I was wrong for picking up right where "I" left off. I gave him everything as if he was my husband, but then I would hold back little tid bits here and there. It was like I was all in but then you'd realize that I really wasn't. I didn't trust him not to hurt me, like I had trusted my ex... (I was about to go into my defense but why)
I realize that I haven't gotten over the disappointment that was that ridiculous relationship. My next wasn't built on the right foundation so it bound to fall. I knew this but some how I guess I thought if I just held on a little longer it would somehow work its self out.
So I apologize for my unrealistic expectations. I apologize for trying to build a marriage off of a dream. I apologize for giving the father of my child what I couldn't give my husband.
In my defense once I was pregnant there was an element to my running that had to stop. My heart wouldn't let me just walk away and convince myself that I didn't care anymore. My heart said finish it, and boy did we.  The end of that relationship HURT more than my divorce, I still have a hard time processing it sometimes. My child is their father, a lot of the time I feel like the farm animal that bred them, having no real input into my child. But every once in a while I see a splash of me and that's all I need to be completely excited about my baby. My child's father and I try to be pleasant, but I don't always contribute to that. Sometimes I have flash backs and that makes me angry. I think about things from my point of view and yep I'm flashing. LATELY however I am proud to say that nope, I really don't care anymore. He's doing him and I could care less, I don't wanna see it, but at the same time I don't care. However I apologize once again for the part that I played in both of these failed relationships. NOW! With that out of the way its now time to MOVE on to the NEXT! :o)