Thursday, December 4, 2014


I come from a rather large family. I love all my siblings and parents dearly. Sometimes when you're a part of such of a large group it can be hard to find your voice. You would think that the ones who were raised in the same home with you would think like you do on most matters, and it can be a shock to the system when you don't see eye to eye. Even worse when you realize that there are grudges held against you for things you could not control. 
I am the oldest of this group of children. When my mother was pregnant with my sister, she told me "we" we're having a baby. I tell you, I took those words to heart. Although my sister and I are not even two years apart, I did my best to mother her. One of our reoccurring arguments was that I was not her mother, but I assumed the role of mother to all of my siblings. To this day, it's very hard not to assume this role. 
The sad and frustrating part can be when my siblings expect the unachievable from me. Sometimes some expect me to continue to mother them but only when it's convenient for them. 
The last almost ten years has been a series of me rejecting the mother role. As a single parent I could not maintain the role of the mother for my siblings. Most understand this and appreciate this. But there are those who tend to throw fits when I don't yield to them. I am "not the momma!" Taking time for me should be something that is applauded by everyone, sadly it is not. Protecting my child and putting them first should be respected, but it's not. 
In the end my youngest sibling gave me feedback on something another sibling told them about me and I was shocked. It didn't even sound like me, and it hurt to know that I'm seen that way. But what can I do to change the way someone chooses to see me? All I can say is wow and keep it moving especially since this person would rather run and tell others I'm this way or that way, but doesn't say anything to me. Even though we grew up in the same house that person doesn't know me at all. So this is my vent to the Internet to get certain things off my chest. Then I'm done with it. 
This particular sibling has a wonderful capacity for love, and I've always valued that about them. However their constant demand to be included in everything has cost them a lot. The notion that I would carry them when I was barely standing is what has forever ruined our relationship. What goes around comes around and it came back to you twice and each time you missed the point or lesson. All I can do is wait, hopefully this sibling will figure it before I'm gone. Either way blood is supposed to be thicker than water, but you poured water all over it made it thin and then pointed your finger at me when the blood was gone. 

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