Sunday, March 13, 2011

My Slant on things

OK so lately I've been thinking a lot about Human Nature. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the lessons we've been reviewing during service. Part of Human Nature for now is our imperfection which causes us to quickly forget.... whether its something good or bad we forget quickly. We as humans tend to see things with our own special slant on it, and sometimes we tend to gloss over facts to make things hit us the way they do. Something that I battle with is trying so hand to understand where the other person is coming from, that my voice isn't heard. For so many years there was no one standing up for me and I was getting walked all over. Now I get so angry the littlest things trigger severe angry reactions. I'm praying for a balance on this one.

OK so what has triggered this emotion this evening... Let me see if I can make it make sense. So my child's father said to my child about a week ago that I was "MAD" at him because he doesn't want to be with me. After all of this time, I thought topics like this were a moot point. This mention kind of left my child wondering, so of course I reassured my child that I DO NOT want their father. He lives with his girlfriend, if nothing else could've put a nail in the coffin... although that ship had LONG sailed before then. That's just a constant reminder if I was EVER DUMB enough to go down memory lane. But trust me I don't have those thoughts. So today this man tells me to check FB for a poem he wrote and they wanted me to read. OK so back in the day we used to share poetry, etc every so often he shares which is no big deal. But at first when I read the following I was about to have a definitely LOUD reaction. Read:

Driftn further apart
So much time in between
Did we spend to much time
Lost in are deceptive thoughts
I was waiting for the ambush
You were waiting 4 me to fail and walk
But we’re still here
Always fightn face 2 face
Why cant we Luv we
Time keeps on tickn
Many days alone go by
To quick
no haste to have a confrontation
When im really wondern
When will she take flight
It these luv games
What are the rules
And how did I get picked
Do I really win when I do
Is Luv that something
You lose too
Or do I choose too

Huh??? Right? At 1st I was about to react all full of myself. Like you're tripping, or some ridiculous knee jerk reaction like that. But a quick prayer lead me down another thought process. I believe this insight into his soul was penned today. This could be his loving expression about his current or prior relationship. I'm choosing to slant this situation as his reflection on anyone other than me. WHY? Because ALL I EVER hear is about how unhappy he was while with me. How my faults were too difficult to deal with. What I've come to terms with is that his main issues weren't with me, although he would love for me to think so. He has some unresolved issues that are choking the life out of him. I never presented myself as a person without issues, but I did accept his put downs too well. He would like me to believe that I am unlovable, and that there's no one for me but him, but that I'm not good enough for him. I'm so happy I don't believe that. I have issues like any other person living in this world. I know that I am a lovable person, and I know that he is not the man for me. It took me years to TRULY understand that, but I get it now. I try not to put my own slant on things so much that I cant remember how things were with us. My child is now at the age where they have questions and they really want to know what happened between us. My child is almost the clone of their father. Look like him, talk like him, act like him, think like him, etc, etc, etc. I don't want my child feeling bad about their self if I'm always putting their father down. And things weren't always horrible between he and I, so that's not the picture I want to paint for my baby. I just don't want to be the source of that kind of pain for my baby. Now what he does on his end is what he does on his end. But I don't want that negative energy generating from me.
All that to say that the interpretation of poetry or slant if you will on this one that I choose is say... that I liked the poem and I thought that he should put it in his book of poetry.

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