For Real?????

So last night and this morning I found myself doing something I rarely ever do. I was thinking about The Monkey. And it wasn't in a "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" Well I take that back, I don't have any love for him so it wasn't in like I was happy to think about him. But I guess what it was, was this... I'm trying to grow up and part of that means being honest with yourself about something. First time I was honest was when I said out loud, that my anger normally stems from my pain. And I guess when I was explaining to my sister yesterday that I'm not really MAD about my friend's husband for remarrying (marriage to happen shortly), its just "I'm" not ready for him to move on. His choice to do so hurts me so I react ANGRILY! But I'm not mad at him, I just cant handle it, so I still refuse to deal with it. But at least I can say I'm not MAD at him.

But then I thought about The Monkey... That relationship was so traumatic that how many years later it still hurts like it was a few minutes ago. Yes, I loved him, and to be honest I know he loved me, he just didn't know how. He was so selfish and young there's no way that was gonna work out. Not that his age is what I mean by young I mean the immaturity exercised in our relationship. So many things happened so rapidly in that relationship that sometimes I forget about certain things until they come up, and then I'm like OH YEA, I went through that too. I'm never glad that I went through that whole ordeal. I didn't get married to get divorced and that bothers me more than most things in that relationship, but I am happy that I can relate to people on a level that others try to hide or pretend doesn't exist in theirs.

He's the reason I don't divulge my past experiences easily. He would ask me about my past (now when I look back I can truly see how insecure and retarded the whole thing was) and then he'd react as if this were something that happened while we were together. Nope don't have to live that nightmare twice. But my child's father suffers from a milder version of the same issue. Although I was reluctant to discuss my past, the things I did tell him, I would hear about them later. So how does that affect me today, even tighter lipped than before. I just don't see any good resulting from Harboring on the past. The things you need to know I'll tell but don't look for me to be just open about it. NOPE! But there were good times, they were rare and far in between. But every once in a while I'll remember something that was good and go "oh yea" I must've hung in there for something.

So I was thinking about him in the sense that hmmmmmm it would be a lie to say I'm not angry about the things that happened or how things ended up. But I am more HURT than anything about the way things happened. Hurt that I actually expected him to love me like he promised. I'm hurt that he never tried to make things right, I feel robbed of so many things. Not that he cares, cared, or even understood all the things he robbed me of. Instead of giving me a bag he gave me a whole dump truck full of issues.

I'm sitting here to trying to hide as I type this. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to be beautiful, meticulous, and excellent. Someone like him, someone like them are the only ones who seem to notice. Or who seem to notice when I am free to do anything about it. I think I'm at capacity for bad relationships, I dont want another one like I've had. But I do want a relationship.... Doesnt make sense huh.

I cant get the next thought out. I keep typing and deleting. I guess I should just accept progress as progress and not for all the answers to present theirselves today. But I am beautiful, and I'm tired of trying to make myself as unappealing as possible. I actually enjoy being beautiful, if there was a way to do it without incurring any more monsters I think I would JUMP on it. I gotta lot to figure out. SIGH! I'm crying on the inside right now. So MANY tears!

Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

I love this dress! I wish I could have it in silver one day! I know you're not supposed to pick out the dress before you have the guy, but I have no choice! I LOVE this dress! Cant I just buy it and then find the guy?????
Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

Cant stop eating!!!!

I know I'm supposed to do an emotional check like every hour (because I'm so dramatic internally) but I don't want to. But what I have noticed is that I actually feel hungry these days. It may sound weird but I don't experience "hunger" too often. Most times I eat because I know I should, or something looks good. Not because I'm actually hungry. And even when I have a little hunger situations normally its satisfied by minimal intakes of food. Most times everyone else is hungry before I am. WHY oh WHY am I HUNGRY???? What am I hungry for???? Well I know what I'm hungry for, but eating ain't gonna get it for me. I gotta get back on track, everything is out of control right now. I have almost everything I need to redo my room. My bed in the bag, my bathroom towels, I just to get some more pillows, and the curtains can come eventually. But no, I don't wanna put my things together until my room is clean. Why wont I clean it????? If you could answer that for me I think I just might KISS YOU! I don't know what my brain is going through right now. I wish I could just shape up and fly right, but I'm all over the place. I feel wounded and I don't know exactly why. UGH! A day in the life of EMOTIONAL Lizzy for sure! Every day is unstable it seems. I got things I need to be cute for next month and the beginning of November. What I do today affects my tomorrow. UGH! One day at a time? For most, but for me its one moment at a time... I gotta live moment to moment these days. :o(

4get it!

I didnt last a week.... oh well. 2 sad 2b away.... oh well.

Crazy, Stupid, Love!

I loved this movie! Emma Stone.... love her! Ryan Gosling....love him! Steve Carrell..... LOVE HIM! I loved the story line, I love the story twist.... (SIGH!!!) Love! Is there any greater emotion?

Infected!

Has anyone ever infected your brain? They become the bacteria that is causing your brain to malfunction. You cant you love them because you don't, and its a stretch to say you like them, because is there any real reason to? But yet, you think about them... You think about them a lot. You don't know why you do, but you do. Sometimes when you talk to them they get on your nerves, and its not like they've shown you all the admirable qualities that you normally fall for, but yet they're on your brain. WHAT IS THAT???? Infection right? How else would you explain it? Even when you try to get mad at them... it just doesn't work. You don't even know them, WHY? There has to be a antibiotic somewhere. Something to turn them off. I mean at best they get on your nerves more often than not, cause they always find a way to say the wrong thing.

I guess I should explain. Normally my crush starts with something the person says. Every once in awhile its just appearance, but that is forgivable. But normally he will say something that speaks to me. Resonates within me. Or maybe its not something they said but something that they're about. Something, not just a all the sudden there they are. And is it acceptable to like someone just because they liked you? That seems WEAK to me. Just not an acceptable answer. But alas, they never admitted to liking you. SAD FACE! It doesn't matter that their actions appeared that way, when they opened their mouth or expressed what was on their mind.... NOPE! Feelings hurt! Yes! A conversation with my father said NO WAY JOSE! Being that I've already wasted my time on a pointless adventure I just really don't want to waste my time and energy again. So in all logic there appears to be no point right, but my mind betrays me. It doesn't stick to the plan. But, right, right! He doesn't like me, regardless of what he alludes to, when asked, he wont own it. So what's the point? A life full of misery I do not want. Pulling back I must. Just because someone's smart enough to notice me, doesn't mean that I have to slow down to notice them back. Aw! This makes me sad... so sad! No seriously, really sad here....

Here's another song to express my mood.... not completely but you get my point:

Sometimes I wonder by the look in your eyes
When I'm standing besides you
There's a fever burning deep inside
Is there anything in your memory?
Do you think of that someone
When you hear that special melody?

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

(Chorus)
There'll be sad songs to make you cry
Love songs often do
They can touch the heart of someone new
Saying I love you

I often wonder how it could be
You loving me
Two hearts in perfect harmony
I count the hours until that day
A rhapsody play
A melody for you and me

Until the moment when you give your love to me
You're the one I care for
The one that I will wait for

chorus (2x)

You're my desire
You take me higher
My love is like a river running so deep

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

chorus (2x)

saying I love you
I love you

~ Billy Ocean

FB Withdrawals!!!!

OK so I know this is a crime and a shame, but I am seriously going through FB withdrawals. I finally sat down and watched The Social Network. I think I followed the emotion that they were trying to convey with the movie. Yea, I felt sorry for the guy. He liked maybe loved a girl and when she said she preferred a certain type of guy over him, he just wanted to impress her. Show her that he was better. Even when they stated that the girl was deposed the things she said hurt his feelings. It was almost like the movie was his apology to her. At least that's the way I saw it. I mean they end the movie with him looking at her profile picture, she was the one that got away. AW! Maybe my lack of love is what is causing me to see the story in this light. But I liked the movie, and I keep thinking about it. The only thing is that they talk so FAST and in a monotone half the time. This is definitely a movie I'll have to watch more than once just understand everything that's happening. Kind of like the remake of Pride and Prejudice, I had to watch it with subtitles and everything to understand the words that were coming out their mouths so FAST, but I LOVE THE MOVIE!

So here I sit not knowing what my friends and Family are saying. Not seeing the pictures they're posting. Feeling so disconnected from everyone. SAD FACE! BUT!!!!!! I was venting too much on there. I was taking obvious shots at people, and being misunderstood too often. UGH! I talk TOO much, never really been good at being quiet. Imagine that. If I don't know you, you'd think I was the quietest person EVER. And if you didn't know me you'd think I was shy and non-silly. But I am one of the silliest goofiest people I know. I LOVE to laugh, and quote movies and songs. Even when I didn't have words, I could post the music, the soundtracks of my life. SAD FACE! Now I feel voiceless! OK so I stopped playing the games and that was major, a major time waster. and so what it started because I couldn't get on my computer properly to play the games. Either way the effects of not playing the games didn't hit me like this.

Could it be that FB has become another Ice Cream addiction to me? Which one would I choose? If I had to choose between Ice Cream and FB which would I choose? WHOA! Until I just asked that question I didn't think it would be a hard answer. WHY does this make me feel like I wanna break down and CRY???? I think I'm emotional today anyways. I've been emotional all week.

This song suits my mood right now:

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and Forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me salivate
Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and Forever
Our love is like a floc of doves
Flying off to heaven above
Always and Forever
Always and Forever (Kip crying)

Yep, I think that's it right there. I couldnt have said it better myself.

She Killed FB! U *$#&$ LOL!

OK so I hit the deactivate button on my FB for a moment. If one more emotional outburst came from that site, I don't know what I would do with myself. This last one was because someone FINALLY realized how emotionally attached they were to a situation and went berserk. Oh my goodness. I am all for making impulsive decisions, I think I do this quite often. But when you make them just deal with the consequences. WHY? Because you made the choice now stand by it, even if you didn't weigh all the options. Well this person doesn't do that all the time, and I strongly feel in this situation they didn't do this either. So my comment although it came to mind because of their situation wasn't really about them. But they took it personal and felt the need to tell me how it hurt them.... OK so I apologized as I wasn't intending to be mean or evil or anything like that. I was just simply asking my FB fam a question like I normally do once a week or so. But OK. The hand is writing on the wall, and I don't need Daniel to interpret this one for me. I gotta slow it down. It felt weird deactivating my account though. I've been addicted to FB for over a year now. I think its been two.... my text messages aren't even hoping like they normally do. I don't know what people are saying. What funny or memorable pictures they're posting. What music everyone's listening to. Whoa! This may be harder than I think. But I'm gonna give it a try, take it moment by moment. Breath by breath. I've been putting everything on FB, I gotta slow my roll. Pull back if u will. DEEP BREATH I CAN DO THIS! YES I CAN! YES I CAN! Watch out now.

Upsetting & Disgusting

So last night was my baby's recital. First of all like my child said neither auditoriums that we were in were big enough to house the amount of guest. All kinds of Fire Marshall laws, I'm sure, were violated by the amount of people that were stuffed into each room. So annoying as it was to be crowded into a room full of people you didn't know, it went on and on. It started at 7pm and didn't end until a quarter to midnight. And as if that was annoying enough with its self THEN my child's father is there with his girl friend who was looking her matronly age (old enough to be his mother literally). So he had to know they were the butt of all of our inside jokes. Annoyed I was WHY WAS SHE THERE??? And then I was looking a HOT MESS! Annoying! Then because everyone was moving slow and my child's last minute request made me arrive on time, but not early enough to be completely away from them. UGH! One of my girls was there with her child to support my baby. I pointed them out to her and she was floored. Then I told her, "Oh but wait. He has a chick who works here wait til you see her." So the evening started in room on the 1st floor and then it moved to the 2nd floor auditorium. So when I finally go up to the 2nd floor of course all the seats were taken. I had to make a seat in the stairway next to my father who was sitting behind my child's father. UGH! So basically I was sitting next to him. Then the chick that works there... who was dressed very cute.... Interesting when she NEVER dresses up for these functions and was the only staff member who was dressed up.... Goes center stage her eyes kept coming back to my child's father. DISGUSTING! My girl noticed even. After the show when all I want is my child so I can go home did his girlfriend stop me to shake my hand. Already irritated by everything else I was not in the mood for that moment. But OK whatever, I just wasn't in the mood for CATTY FEMALES! As we're walking to find my child did the working chick stop my child's father to say "I'll see you tomorrow" and then walk away.... she wouldn't even look at me. But I was thinking "DUDE! His girlfriend is right there." I shook my head at my girl because that CHICK deserves more than I can allow my Christian Conscious  give her right now. I wonder what his girlfriend thought about that interaction. But regardless it PISSED me off. Completely and totally disrespectful! My child isn't participating in their events to have to come there and deal with that ridiculousness. I went home cranky and irritated.... Still irritated, his girl friend shouldn't have been there for one. And then for two you need to check your chick on the side, she's ridiculous! I know there are ignorant people who get off on situations like that. But I'm thinking if he's willing to do that with you female what do you think he's going to do when its your turn female! I HATED the whole scene. HATED IT! And then its like how in the world did I ever love this person? He's a whore, and there's nothing respectable about that. He called me and got on my nerves. I don't know if he hung up or my phone disconnected, but his calling me for dumb stuff was just a sign of his guilty conscious. All bets are off, I will not worry about having guys in his face, or whatever. He can walk right in on it for all I'm concerned.

A closed mouth

But here's what's been plaguing me. You know how there's a difference between talking to someone who knows you and just talking to newly found friends or established relationships. Well talking to a old friend last Friday made something stand out in my brain that tons of others have said but they got the enraged answer. He told me to talk to the guy I'm FURIOUS with! Now others have said the same thing, maybe in reference to this guy I'm not sure but it hit me hard last night while I was sitting during service. All the sudden Eric's voice moved me to action, and although I called the unfortunate he didn't answer. Nor did I leave a message... but here's what kind of clicked inside of me. I have not been one to hold back my words when it came to them (all my guy friends from the past). Now I'm sitting in silence brewing in my anger. That's not like me at all. I know that the last three years for me have been filled with turbulence and angst to say the least. I can see how I somewhat lost the grip of who I am. So I may try again shortly, I may but I wont be calling him for answers. I'll be purging and then I'll be done with it. He can be an idiot all he wants to be over there. But as for me over here, I got some THANGS I need to get off my chest. (SMILES!)

Um?????

You know what.... I cant call it. I don't know what to think about you anymore. Do you like me? Or don't you? I don't know. Everyone around me seems to say yes, but I'm not so sure. Why? Because you aren't doing anything that you didn't do before and when I confirmed my interest in you, you informed me that you were dating. So with that I proceed with caution. I think I might like you, you know I really cant say whether I do or I don't. I like the attention and I know this is a messed up thing to say but I'm just telling the truth. I don't like how you handled things before. I do not like how that made me look at you. But guarded with you I am, so I haven't taken the time to take inventory in regards to you. Why? Maybe for fear that my feelings haven't changed and that maybe I do like you. Oh how scary but exciting that would be for me. Or maybe I don't like you, and that would just... I don't know what it would be. Part of me just wishes you would step one way or another, at least then I would know which way to go. But that doesn't appear to always be your style, regardless of whatever you've already rejected me once WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I PUT MYSELF ON THE LINE FOR YOU AGAIN? My self esteem cant handle such blows. I don't want to sit and try to figure you out, I want you to step up and say what you feel. But I don't see you doing that, which is confusing to me, because I consider you to be a man. But honestly I don't know you well enough to know what makes you tick. You haven't been all that open with me... or I should say we haven't had the opportunity to interact all that much. So I don't know how to read you. I guess I'll just keep working on praying away my thoughts in your direction. I don't have time for another heartache.

Motivation

So yesterday my thoughts were all over the place. Missing my girl like crazy, and even feeling it in my toes that I couldn't just call up her and say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! And the fact that I couldn't call her hubby and grieve with him as he has moved on with his life. So needless to say self medicating on Saturday night led to total sickness on Sunday. I laid on the couch all day. At one point I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn't until yesterday as I drove into work that I realized what my malfunction was. I mean I kind of questioned the tears, but that isn't exactly a new thing with me these days.

Any who, my lovely and wonderful cousin just so happened to reach out to me right after I said a silent prayer for relief. She refocused all my angst and pain into something more positive. Originally last year amongst a ton of other reasons, my girl's passing was an eye opener as to how much I should value and appreciate my health and the body that I'm in. I took off like a rocket. Lost weight like you wouldn't believe and had a lovely support system at the time. Even when my support fell off I was still at it and doing well. But then I burned out, I couldn't maintain anger and proper management of my diet. Horrible, but the truth nonetheless. I'm still angry, but I'm looking up for relief from my inner furnace. So again I'm attempting to move forward and become the person that I know I am on the inside outwardly.

I will try my best to read Marianne's words daily as I feel like this poem/motivational statement applies so well to me.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

So here I go again. On my program officially today, and so far so good. This is a moment by moment process for me as sometimes I put things in my mouth without even thinking. But yesterday I went home and exercised some. It felt really good. Thanx Nae, you have been a great source of motivation to me.

Anxious!!!!

Do you  ever fear putting yourself on the line? Well as I get older my walls go up faster, due to past experiences. And lately you can get shut out pretty easily. Doesn't take much just step on a crack. LOL! So my mind keeps translating a conversation one way, but it appears that others who read about it translate it another. Don't worry sticking to my guns, I ain't playing stupid that easily EVER again. BUT there is a part of my brain that keeps wondering. Which is making me anxious and making me fight with myself. Last time I listened to people and the way they painted the picture, I found out it wasn't that way. Not willing to go through that again, half of me is curious to see if I'm missing something. But the other half KNOWS better. Not missing a thing and although it may seem like there's something there. I should know better by now that its really not there. Coming back to reality, forget the fairy tales.

U just ran across my mind

OK so, I was talking to a friend and my Ex came up. Talking to her tripped me out. I can clearly see and remember how much I LOVED him. I don't even know how to put it in words to explain and/or describe it. But if you've ever loved someone you know exactly what I'm talking about. How when you even just think about that person how your chest just fills up with so much love. I miss having that feeling in my life. I miss loving someone that much. I found an old journal and the journal reminded me of when I succumbed to that feeling for him. It brought tears to my eyes. To know what I know now and remember what I thought then. I was supposed to be doing something else and found myself totally winded. I had to sit down, and all week I cant help but think about it. I remember the instant that love swelled up in my chest and it stayed there for YEARS! So much so that I was letting everything around me fall apart as long as he was a part of my life I didn't care. Then here I sit today, accuse me of loving that boy and I might cut you. LOL! NO! He is not the man for me, he was close but he was not the one. It took me over a decade to realize that. Oh how I cry over the time wasted there. So now I look up and everyone else is paired off. No one for me to link up with and call my own. Oh well, stuck remembering a feeling that I'll probably never experience again. Hurts to even face that fact. But its true, I haven't got the skin or tolerance to deal with the rejects which are the only reason why they're available now. I know that isn't fair to say, because that could go both ways. But it is my reality right now, and the depth of my optimism today.

Survey Says.....(natrual relaxer)

OK so I did it. My hair came out HECK of soft. My hair was very moisturized which made it easier to get my Denman brush through. And I have been enjoying the curly affects of my ponytail ends with the brush. As far as a relaxed curl pattern. I didn't notice that as much as, but hey I'll take deep conditioning affects any day. Maybe I need to do it more than once before I notice an affect on my curl pattern. Oh and I left it on longer than 45 minutes. So hey, once I've gotten the art of doing this more than just the one time then I'll be able to say for sure.

Self Control

OK so, I try daily to recognize my limitations. On some levels I do pretty OK in that regard. But I'm having the hardest time mastering self control. My mind is racing around the things I would LOVE to indulge in but I have no proper outlet. For whatever reason the things I would love are beyond my reach. I would love to travel and see new things, I lack the funds, I would love to take a dance class, but I lack the funds. I could go on and on. Disappointed I am. My mind and heart battle each other constantly. When the bible said the flesh is weak... it AIN'T EVER LIED! It helps not to count the time, but frustration does get the better of me for sure. OK, lace up my boot straps and stop whining... um, um I'll try... MAJOR SAD FACE!

Its Here! Its Here!

I'm so excited! My ingredients arrived and now I will attempt the Deep conditioner a.k.a. Natural Relaxer! I cant wait! I cant wait! I cant stop thinking about all of the hair possibilities if this mess works....YAY!EXCITED! EXCITED! I will let you know what I think once its done... YAY!

My Heavy Heart!!!

OK so, here's what it is. You can only take a person as serious as they present their self to be. Now initially I cant fault myself for falling for the game. How was I to know that it was all just a game? But now, here it is.... Nice guy for the most part, or at least as far as I can see. But definitely into playing games. Now I don't know if that stems from insecurity or deviousness. There is a difference although I don't know if the outcome is really all that different. Either way there's pain that I don't have skin thick enough to withstand, so.... I say again I bow out...I'm not into games and clearly games are afoot here. Yea, the attention would've been nice. I'm not gonna lie, the thought of being appreciated was a nice thought. No, the thought of being wanted and appreciated really made me excited. Put a smile on my face and made me happy. But it was just an idea... one that once again I'll have to let it go. Oh it makes me sad to even think about it. But the pain of another bad relationship or one that seems all one sided... I don't have it in me to do again. I gotta find it in myself to focus on me and do things to make me happy with me. And 4get them all. The sooner I accept that this is my life and how its gonna be for the rest of the time we have left on this side, hopefully, the sooner I can move on. I cant focus on how disappointing this all is. I gotta do what has to be done next... which is nothing.

LIGHT BULB!!! I know, a little prayer goes a LONG way! So I'm going to stop here. Say one HUGE prayer for my heavy heart and keep it moving... I will get over this all the same, its just like anything else.

My Goodies!!! Part 2

OK so, as of yesterday all my goodies FINALLY arrived, but then I turned around and ordered some more things. So first let me tell you. I don't know how I've lived these thirty plus years of my life without vegetable glycerin and Argan oil???? Shea Butter and Coconut oil????? Its like come on... I don't even know. I found a old spray bottle that works perfectly in my closet. So I mixed Vegetable Glycerin, Tea Tree oil, EVOO, Peppermint Oil (for stimulation a.k.a. tingles & aroma), JBCO, Jojoba Oil, Argan oil, and water in the bottle. My hair has been loving this mixture. I did add the Rosemary oil to this mixture but I don't think I will repeat that addition next time (the rosemary keeps making me think of food, LOL!). I mixed some in a small spray bottle for Zimo to try on her dreads....survey says... HER HAIR LOVES IT! Ding! Ding! Ding! But my all time favorite thus far has been the "concotion" as my child and I call it. I mixed Shea Butter, Coconut oil, Argan Oil, and Peppermint oil and we use this in lue of lotion... MY SKIN LOVES IT! My child LOVES IT! I mixed a small portion as a tester, and we loved it so much I then made larger mixture. I tell you we love this oil. I keep telling everyone I know about this mixture as it will help with Eczema, Psoriasis, and extremely dry skin.... like I've stated before I have some kind of a skin condition going on. Its neither of the two mentioned but my skin has been responding well to this mixture as well. I can tell this will be a staple in my house...

But THEN!!!!!! I saw this video on YouTube about a natural "relaxer" and so when I watch it. I realize that its not actually a "relaxer" in the sense of the word "relaxer" that we think of. Actually its a deep conditioning treatment. Oh my once I finally get my Huetiful Steamer its gonna be even better. But I ordered the items needed to try this treatment on my hair yesterday. I cant wait to try it. It doesn't make your hair straight but it "relaxes" the natural curl pattern of your hair. I hope it works. I will post the video, and then my thoughts after I've tried it myself. Stay tuned. :o)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQD5vt5-3AI&list=PL4BEE3FB3DD0EF15C

My Goodies!

My goodies are coming! My goodies are coming! Yay! I finally found vegetable glycerin on Amazon.com. I HOPE my hair likes it, as I TRULY believe the key to love and healthy hair is moisture. VG is a humectant and is supposed to keep your hair moisturized. I need a good Spritz bottle, I think I will look for that today. Also my coconut oil arrived. I couldn't wait to get home, I put just a dab on the end of my ponytail and on my feet. (BIG CHEESE!) I ordered Rosemary Oil, more Jamaican Black Castor Oil, Peppermint oil, Argan Oil, and.... I think there might be one more thing...  My hair has been breaking off something terrible, and I think its because I was getting wash happy with my hair for a minute there. Some folks can wash their hair everyday or cowash everyday, I don't think my hair likes that. At three days I want to do it again, but my hair likes once a week best.... OH YEA! I ordered Henna too! YIKES! I've heard wonderful things about Henna I'm just a little scared to do it. It may sit in my bathroom for a minute... But I'm gonna do it eventually. I'll need all day to do it anyways. But I cant wait to play MAD Scientist in my kitchen mixing up my Spritz for my hair. And I'm praying it works out like I'm hoping it does. My dream is to have hair down my back. And I don't mean shoulder or middle of the back.... I'm talking back of knees. I great grandmother had hair like that, but she was a totally different person than I am. My aunt has hair down her back like that. But again she's a different person than I am and totally different hair type. My hair has broken off so much I doubt it would hit my neck when straightened... SIGH! Back to the drawing board. But this is also why I'm excited about my new goodies. They will help put me on the road to recovery. I CANNOT WAIT! LONG, THICK, FLOWING HAIR!!!!!  That's my goal, that's where I wanna be!

Vitamin D

OK, So all my lab results are in. And the only MAJOR point of notice is that I am Vitamin D deficient. So I have to take a prescription for that, but other than that my levels are all within normal range. Some may say GOOD, but I say how good? I printed out all my levels and the past four year's numbers so that I can compare my numbers. I also printed some information about each test. Tonight I will be reading up on where I actually fall in each category and then ways to improve those numbers. Yes, I am a little phobic right now. But my people that I love and care about keep passing away, and it scares me. Yep, I'm internalizing everything but oh well what else can I do?????

Sitting here with a HEAVY heart!

OK so, about two days ago I noticed a pain in my chest as I attempted to cross my arms. INSTANTLY my brain went into FULL alarm! Three of my Aunts (one who lost the battle) have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer on my Father's side and one on my mother's. I immediately made an appointment with my OB/GYN as I was due for my three year check up any ways. I could barely sleep last night due to anxiety about it and other things but we'll get to that in a minute. I was so anxious this morning that I just knew my blood pressure would be up when I got to the office, but actually my pressure was pretty good. With all my anger issues, I just know that's gonna hit me one day. I try my hardest to avoid lots of salt, etc because I know where it leads. But any who, after talking with the doctor and although she found nothing to alarm her she still sent me for a mammogram so that I could rest easily tonight. I was near tears in that office, who am I kidding a few tears escaped my eyes. OK so mammograms.... not the business, but it is what needed to happen. Afterwards I called my parents and my mom assured me that if there were anything wrong they would've said something right away during the visit. OK makes me feel better. But I'm still nerved up... OK so then the other part....

I don't understand this game.... something doesn't add up for sure. I mean solitary observation for about a year. Well not completely solitary because I was aware of it. But I didn't think much of it as he didn't speak on it. When he finally made a move I was receptive. Then things started happening and I showed that I was open to the idea... then he shot me down. HURT my feels for sure. Took me a minute to just admit I was hurt by it and to just let it go. So when I calm down, here he comes again, only this time I keep telling myself don't fall for it. He's saying the same things he said before which leads nowhere, and he only asked for your friendship. I don't understand why his friendship has to feel like its intended to be more than he says he wants it to be. I don't understand that? So my mind wonders what it is that makes him conflict his self this way. I tell myself not to care, but I'm not as cold blooded as I would like to be. :o(  Still! I know better than to act on it or even speak on it. Just trying to take the compliment as a compliment but keep it moving. Easier said than done, but it is what I'm trying to do. I dont understand how you're supposed to feel special about something you cant get excited about? Maybe that's just it... this isnt the right glass slipper for me. :o( I know how much I wanted it to be, but when it doesnt add up, it doesnt add up.

This is why Dad's are important

No matter what a Male's approach to things will be different than a woman's. I normally tend to see something and then the female in me talks me down and tells myself its not what I thought. Until in the end I end up telling myself I should've listened to myself in the first place. I feel every child needs their father whether they choose to appreciate their parent or not is up to the child. But given the chance and opportunity most children will choose to accept and love their fathers. It takes a "special" type of father that makes their children want nothing to deal with them. Not saying that there aren't father who are unworthy, but each person has to decide that for their self when they're ready.
As for me... I was born a "Daddy's Girl"! My Daddy was my EVERYTHING for the longest time. I loved my mom, but my daddy... that was it for me. But what happens when you put someone up on a pedestal??? Eventually they fall because they're imperfect. OK so, my daddy fell and its been the last I don't know how many years of me trying to figure out where to put him. Yesterday I had the Daddy's Girl experience again. I told him, "you know, I haven't picked your brain in a long time... I need to run something by you".  So I told him about the latest "situation" in my life. It was like he was giving voice to that little voice that has been trapped in my head. Confirming what I thought already just made me feel like "YES!" my father has spoken. Now honestly there's a little part that wanted to say "No Daddy you don't understand..." but in the end I know he's right. And I just need to stop before I end up in ANOTHER situation. :(  My heart says that my daddy is right, and so I pray for the clarity to get it together.
What happened you ask? Well there was this guy, I saw him watching me for a while, but I didn't pay it any real attention. If you haven't noticed the past 2 - 3 years haven't been my finest moments for sure. Well when he approached me in a friendly manner, my feelings took it and ran with it. I found myself liking him, and in the worst way cause I couldn't give you any real reasons why, just that I did. Well when I was honest with him about how I felt he did a whole "SIKE!" I'm not trying to go there with you thing. UGH! Hurt my feelings yes he did which in the end pissed me off. I don't like or participate in the games that Brothers play and here he was playing them. I wouldn't even talk to him. So after lots of prayer and conversations with myself I told myself to calm down and be nice. In the course of that he starts doing "things" again, and my brain is saying WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? So I had to ask my daddy to break it down for me. Help me see this situation clearly because I wasn't getting it. Once he said the words that makes my mind throw up, its like the light came on. My daddy put this guy in the same category as my ex's YIKES! PUMP BRAKES! My daddy says "how do these guys keep finding you???" And you know what, I don't know.... But I don't want to play the games or end up strung out again in a BAD relationship whether he acknowledges it or not. So YES! We can be friends, but it wont go any further than that. The thing is that I'm a good friend if I do say so myself. I have a very nurturing personality, and I love to build people up. But I don't like being lied to or led to a conclusion when its really not where you're not going as well. Here's what my life has taught me, guys like this... there's only so far you can go with them. As far as me in their lives, they love me, and don't want anyone else to have me. But to actually be with me, and be good to me, that's what I haven't experienced. So I'll continue to hold out and wait for the one that's actually looking for me. As for this one, we can be friends, who couldn't use another guy friend in their life? But I wont look for anything more than a friendship from this one, and when I honestly listen to the things he's said... that's all he's really asking for anyways... all that extra stuff is just fluff. I don't know why he does that, but I cant sit here and worry about it either. a closed mouth doesn't get fed, and if your mouth only ever opens to remind me that you're only looking for friendship then hey who am I to fight that? Who am I? I would say back to the drawing board, but in all honesty I never left the drawing board. I've been here all the time.

Lack of enthusiasm

Life lacking enthusiasm... I LONG for a love that I could rejoice openly about. A man who wont run away when I express elation about the acknowledgement of his love and admiration for and of me. Its like you cant tell someone you like them these days. You gotta play hard to get, and you never get the chance to just be SPRUNG anymore. I HATE all the games, and I don't want to play them. I always say people who play games get played. However those who don't play the game get left behind. I'm tired of being left behind, left to discretion and removed from enjoyment of a feeling that was meant for me to experience. All I ever know is disappointment and let down. Settlements of a lack of affection that I have waited my entire life to feel. I'm tired oh so tired! I wanna feel it, I wanna feel every ounce of it. Every drop! I wanna lose sleep because I FEEL SO GOOD! I wanna be HAPPY to come home, and HAPPY to build a home!

Sadness and Confusion

1st off the sadness... my grandfather passed away. Although I had no emotional reaction when my father called me Friday full of anguish and pain. Going into his house on Saturday morning brought me to my KNEES! And from which I don't think I've quite gotten up yet. I have a bad attitude sometimes, and its a struggle to keep that in check and to mind my place in this world. But the interesting thing is that unless someone tells me I was COMPLETELY wrong I see how people end up running around spouting their opinions about things that really should be none of their business. But he and I didn't see eye to eye about most things. The underlying issues were bigger than the small things we silently argued about. Oh well I told him I loved more than once after our feud began and each time it was me reaching out to him, never the other way around. Not surprising but just the way things happened. My family is hurting and there's nothing I can really do to make anything better for them, so I just kind of hurt as well.

2nd confusion.... What I don't understand is if I'm praying not to think about you. Its like you can feel a disturbance in the force and you do "things" to make me think about you. I don't know if its intentional or if I'm making something out of nothing. But I don't want to think about you, especially if you're not thinking about me. We've been here done this remember and I got banana cream pie in the face last time. No, I will not hold my breath or be checking for you. But I am starting to get a little confused by it all. Maybe you're just looking for a friend. I guess that's not the worse. But that's not exactly what I'm looking for these days. My agenda is kind of full and seriously I'm looking for something real. I guess I should remember that when our friendship started to bloom last time I ran in the wrong direction. That's not what you came for, or even wanted from me. It doesn't help to imagine something's there when it really isn't. Thank you for helping me talk myself down. "FRIENDS" is all we'll ever be, and I shouldn't look for you to ever be more than just that to me.

Venting

So as usual, I'm sitting over here brewing about something... Talking to a family member yesterday they laid some pretty "heavy" news on me. It was about a dear friend, so I text them to find out if there was anything new. They told me they would call me later on in the day. So I assumed the worst and don't you just HATE it when you don't make a donkey out of yourself for assuming. I did a lot of praying before my friend and I spoke, which is the reason I didn't feel like I had put my foot in my mouth by the end of the conversation. But it was true, and it seems like I'm the only person hurting. My friend seemed happy about the news and I was surprised to hear all who were on board with this situation. But alas what difference does it make right. The needs of men and women differ greatly and the ability to satisfy those needs differ as well. My friend has decided to remarry (SCREAMS! AGONY! ANY OTHER DRAMATIC EXPRESSION PLEASE INSERT HERE!) it hurts me. And if only because maybe I was foolish enough to believe that my friend would remain single. But the rules are different for men and women I see. If a man wants to remarry he can and will. For a woman she can easily remain single for the rest of her life and no one would even notice. Am I jealous? Kind of! But this hurts more than jealousy but I cant find the words to express it. I had a good conversation with my friend and to my surprise I ended the conversation at almost two hours. My child was coming home and I needed to have dinner ready, besides I didn't exactly want to continue to harp on my disapproval. I kindly told him I would NEVER point him in the direction he's going in. But honestly, would I point him in any direction???? NO! I know its his choice, and he seems happy so far with his choice... But UGH! He told me that I was invited to his home, but I told him I couldn't come. I told him I'm too emotional still, and I know me. When our paths cross I'm gonna be the only one hurting, oh well my issue not theirs. I spent my evening in suspension, and woke up that way too. It wasn't until I was walking up the office that I realized I left the house completely naked in the face. I washed my face this morning and kept it moving. Trying to focus on my hair anything other than the pain I feel right now. I was supposed to call Zimo after I talked to him, but I cant even talk about it. I dont really wanna discuss it, HURTS!

So let me backup a bit...
This weekend I was talking to an acquaintance and I mentioned that I was not content in my singleness... Did she get excited? LOL! Which kind of scared me, and suddenly all my insecurities came rushing to the top. The next day she points out a eligible bachelor... and instead of thinking of myself. I could only think of how my cousin was more worthy than me. Discussing this with a friend later she then gets on my case about how I deserve a mate, etc, etc. Did I mention how compliments make me uncomfortable? STUPID right? Like anyone else I like to receive them and long for them especially when I feel ignored. But compliment me and watch me squirm! I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I haven't. So this weekend I was feeling VERY hopelessly SINGLE! And even depressed about it a little.... no who am I kidding A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! And then my friend lays on me that they're dating and looking to remarry. EXCELLENT TIMING HUH!?!?!?! Oh well there isn't exactly anything wrong with his choice to my immediate knowledge. I don't wish her eternal singleness, exactly. She's just not the person I would choose for him, but like I said I wouldn't choose anyone for him personally. SO OH WELL WHO CARES IF I'M THE ONLY PERSON TRIPPIN RIGHT???? Just me... little ole un-noticeable me. oh well......

Self Esteem

I need to work on mine. I can tell someone else as the day is long why they're deserving of... but when it comes to me.... the possibility to meet a seemingly good guy presented it's self today. All I could do was think about how this guy could be the one for my very deserving and eligible cousin Nellie. When talking to a friend she asked why not me, and I could feel those scars rearing their ugly heads. YES, I want to be married, but I don't want to deal with the pain of failed relationships. How in the world will I ever marry if I don't get out there? I don't know... I guess I'm just gonna have to keep praying for the help to heal the scars that prohibit me from moving forward. I haven't got a clue on how to do that. (Sad face)

April 10th

My baby turned 13 years old today. Its official, I have a teenager. I cant believe how quickly this time is going by. It seems like only yesterday I was bringing my baby home from the hospital and then proceeding to have a panic attack as the responsibility of a person's life weighed HEAVY on my shoulders. That weight was there for many years, as I took on the responsibility of caring for my child regardless of whether their father was there or not. It took him some years but he eventually completely came around. And for a period of time the pressure slightly lifted. But that sense of responsibility eventually collapsed right back on my shoulders. Oh well such is my life, but I am ALWAYS thankful for the gift of my child. I have a good child and I am grateful!

Last night

Last night I had a moment where I felt like a writer. I asked my SS1 to read it, although I tagged my sister, Zimo, and SS1. My sister loved it, I asked SS1 to read it because I know she doesn't log onto FB very often. Zimo... well she's married and far removed from the topic so its no biggie that she had no response for it. But it felt good to write. I kept reading it over and over again. Then I started thinking on it like I used to with my old stories. Yea, he was my muse, and I am kind of curious to know what he thought of it. But I will NEVER admit to that to him. But yay, now I wanna write more. Hmmmmmm all the stories I will write. LOL! Gotta go write yet another story never to be published. :o)


CORRECTION! Zimo just responded... guess we she needed time to actually look at her FB to see what I said. :o) Yay!

Moody

OK, so I know I've been moody. I've been trying to keep it to myself. But last night he stepped on my nerve, and I didn't realize how exposed it was until I was screaming into the phone and tears were rolling down my face.
You see I've been off my "program" for a little while now and the pounds have been rolling back on. By now I should know better than to share anything person with the father of my child. He isn't happy with himself, so he pulls everyone else around him down as well. Last night I wasn't in the mood, I should've kept the conversation short and to the point and kept it moving. But no.... I vaguely mentioned my "program" which for me is a lifestyle change not a diet. And I call it a program as it is a program to help me get my life back and will be a way of life moving forward. And when I deviate from that "program" I know that the pounds will come. Well he was in a "PREACHY" mood last night. Anytime I said anything he was all over it. Constantly tearing me down, and trying to unjustify anything and everything that I said. ANNOYING!
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I alluded to the fact that right now is a hard time for me. Without even understanding what I meant he shoots back that what I'm going through other people have gone through and worse..... Now even though that's true it doesn't take MY PAIN away! I LOST it! Next week on the 29th marks the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's death. I'm not dealing well, and I want to be, but I'm not.
Even though my heart wants to, I don't want to have a wedding. Although my SS1 and Zimo would be there it wouldn't be the same without her. You see my plan was to have those most important persons right there in the forefront with me. My sister, because I love her dearly. SS1 would dream with me and help me see how I could make something out of nothing to fit my black tie affair. Zimo would be my help to make things happen. She'd find my ideas and make them come to life. Jazz would be my comic relief, and help to take the edge off.
Let alone the lesson we just had this past Sunday... I'm trying my hardest to see my singleness as a blessing. I know I should but I don't. I already know that the man I wish for and my heart longs for doesn't exist, but its just hard to deal with that reality sometimes. And I don't value being alone, except for the times when I don't have to deal with some fool bringing me down. I can do bad all by myself. I just don't believe that there's a non-selfish mate for me anymore. The selfishness is the part that always hurts me. So I'd rather not deal with that EVER!
I'm so through with that man and his issues. I hate that he tries to make his issues mine. Everything that he stated as reasons to justify his departure from his current girlfriend are all things that he's guilty of. If its not about him he acts a FOOL! He doesn't understand half the things I tell him, but assumes that he does. He uses folks, and then drops them when he doesn't need them anymore. And he always has to have someone. He'll lie and say there's no one and try to make it seem like he's coping on his own. But that isn't true, I have yet to know him when its just him, HE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE SOMEONE and that's just sad. And then he tends to make it seem like there's something wrong with you because you can be content without having someone in your life. I don't need a man to make me feel good about being me. I can be alone and be happy enough. He doesn't leave a relationship until he has another one lined up. And if he can he doesn't completely leave any relationship. I'm just sad that it took me so long to see him for who he is.... just sad. He'll come to me sharing all these personal things about the person he's with and then turn around and talk about me to them. Not even his "best-friend" is above his disapproval and slander. He will never be happy, which is why he's now turning to Mary to some how turn off the pain of the things he's lacking in his life. He doesn't want to fix the things that are wrong with him, and he tries to justify them. But yet he faults you for running from your issues. I SMELL A HYPOCRITE! Oh well that's his issue and thank goodness its no longer mine. I was already emotional last night and then he pushed me over the edge. Oh well, I will heal and he will remain the same.... pathetic!

My apology

Quiero una como un momento para decir lo que está en mi corazón. Puede que no tenga sentido para ti, pero te gustó, porque pensé que me viste. En mi opinión, resulta que era sólo un juego. Eso hirió mis sentimientos, y los sentimientos de dolor se convirtió en enojo. Te escucha cuando le dijiste material de la unión werent. Así que pensé que había tiempo para arreglar mi pequeño enamoramiento por mi cuenta. Pero entonces, dijo que las cosas "le dije a mi madre acerca de usted" que me hizo preguntarme si se acaba de miedo o que me dice la verdad. Cuando you le dijo que estaba hablando con alguien, no sé si usted entiende lo que eso significa en el mundo de los testigos, pero no te la fecha a menos que usted está buscando un compañero. Como puedes ver yo no lo tome a bien que es por eso que también no se quede por detrás de todos y cada hermano solo. Así que con eso dicho, me disculpo por el cierre hacia fuera. A pesar de ser herido mis sentimientos no es una excusa de su explicación de por qué me ha respondido a la manera que tengo. Espero que podamos ser amigos otra vez un día, la próxima vez sabré regardless de lo que dicen o hacen, yo no soy más que un amigo.

Unfortunately

So last night my child and I sat in back of the congregation. Normally we sit in the front where there's less distractions, but I don't like sitting in the front when we arrive late. So we sat in the back and in the back you can see a lot of people, etc. I noticed the sad face on my child but I didn't say anything. When we got home my child volunteered to tell me why they looked sad. They said they really want a family, and it makes them sad when they see other "happy" families and then its just us, which to them feels like an incomplete family. Now I've told them before that just because there's a mother and a father that does not always equal a happy family. But needless to say last night all I could do was apologize. I mean sometimes I feel it myself but I never try to show that to my baby. When talks are given about families, I know my situation isn't ideal. And yes I would love to have a husband, most importantly one that I can worship with. But honestly I am also very afraid of a relationship. The demise of my relationship with my child's father has left a VERY BAD taste in my mouth in regards to relationships. I'm kind of afraid to love someone, its not that I wont or that I don't want to. But I'm scared. I guess this is where prayer comes into play. And any ideas I may have had of anyone that I know I have to let them go. I have yet to meet a person where the signs weren't right there in my face that we were not a good match. Even the last person who I thought "hmmmmmm, maybe he could be the answer to my prayers...." I tried to ignore the first two signs but at last REJECTION always hits you like a brick wall. Now.... why would I go back there. This morning I woke up wondering if some of the things said by this person were actually statements covertly made to me.... Hmmmmmm. Well I'm not a read between the lines kind of person. I will never assume that you're talking to me. And if in the end I have to guess then the message wasn't for me anyways. Funny how all this comes up when my child's father starts on his Mister Nice Guy campaign.... NO! He's not even a consideration.... We did have good times once upon a time (in my mind at least) but the bad was so BAD that I could NEVER go back wholeheartedly, and if your whole heart isn't in it, then why even bother. It just makes me sad because for once this is a need that I cant provide for my child. What is my mood today? Melancholy for sure.

SS1

2day is my SS1's day! Yay 2 u, hope you're having a good day. I'm so happy u were born, and that u r U!

My Slant on things

OK so lately I've been thinking a lot about Human Nature. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the lessons we've been reviewing during service. Part of Human Nature for now is our imperfection which causes us to quickly forget.... whether its something good or bad we forget quickly. We as humans tend to see things with our own special slant on it, and sometimes we tend to gloss over facts to make things hit us the way they do. Something that I battle with is trying so hand to understand where the other person is coming from, that my voice isn't heard. For so many years there was no one standing up for me and I was getting walked all over. Now I get so angry the littlest things trigger severe angry reactions. I'm praying for a balance on this one.

OK so what has triggered this emotion this evening... Let me see if I can make it make sense. So my child's father said to my child about a week ago that I was "MAD" at him because he doesn't want to be with me. After all of this time, I thought topics like this were a moot point. This mention kind of left my child wondering, so of course I reassured my child that I DO NOT want their father. He lives with his girlfriend, if nothing else could've put a nail in the coffin... although that ship had LONG sailed before then. That's just a constant reminder if I was EVER DUMB enough to go down memory lane. But trust me I don't have those thoughts. So today this man tells me to check FB for a poem he wrote and they wanted me to read. OK so back in the day we used to share poetry, etc every so often he shares which is no big deal. But at first when I read the following I was about to have a definitely LOUD reaction. Read:

Driftn further apart
So much time in between
Did we spend to much time
Lost in are deceptive thoughts
I was waiting for the ambush
You were waiting 4 me to fail and walk
But we’re still here
Always fightn face 2 face
Why cant we Luv we
Time keeps on tickn
Many days alone go by
To quick
no haste to have a confrontation
When im really wondern
When will she take flight
It these luv games
What are the rules
And how did I get picked
Do I really win when I do
Is Luv that something
You lose too
Or do I choose too

Huh??? Right? At 1st I was about to react all full of myself. Like you're tripping, or some ridiculous knee jerk reaction like that. But a quick prayer lead me down another thought process. I believe this insight into his soul was penned today. This could be his loving expression about his current or prior relationship. I'm choosing to slant this situation as his reflection on anyone other than me. WHY? Because ALL I EVER hear is about how unhappy he was while with me. How my faults were too difficult to deal with. What I've come to terms with is that his main issues weren't with me, although he would love for me to think so. He has some unresolved issues that are choking the life out of him. I never presented myself as a person without issues, but I did accept his put downs too well. He would like me to believe that I am unlovable, and that there's no one for me but him, but that I'm not good enough for him. I'm so happy I don't believe that. I have issues like any other person living in this world. I know that I am a lovable person, and I know that he is not the man for me. It took me years to TRULY understand that, but I get it now. I try not to put my own slant on things so much that I cant remember how things were with us. My child is now at the age where they have questions and they really want to know what happened between us. My child is almost the clone of their father. Look like him, talk like him, act like him, think like him, etc, etc, etc. I don't want my child feeling bad about their self if I'm always putting their father down. And things weren't always horrible between he and I, so that's not the picture I want to paint for my baby. I just don't want to be the source of that kind of pain for my baby. Now what he does on his end is what he does on his end. But I don't want that negative energy generating from me.
All that to say that the interpretation of poetry or slant if you will on this one that I choose is say... that I liked the poem and I thought that he should put it in his book of poetry.

Sitting here strugglin

I'm sitting here thinking about the upcoming festivities... I'm going to a party, haven't been to a "party" since just before I found out I was pregnant with my baby. Everyone has to wear white to this party. I found a beautiful white dress online at Macy's. I tried it on the other day and it fits but its not BANGIN' on me. :o( I wanna tone up and get it together and there is something mentally blocking me. I know I'm hyping this whole thing up in my head more than it is. I doubt that would be anyone there who would get my attention.

AHA! I just had a moment. I keep saying that I'm afraid of the attention that I could possibly draw when I get in shape, but truthfully there are so many healthy single women that, that's not quite the total issue. Here's what it is..... I'm afraid of working my butt off. FINALLY being completely HAPPY NO IN LOVE with me, meeting a guy who I fall for, and then being rejected by him. Rejection seems to be the story of my life, and no matter how many times it happens. Each and every rejection is like another stab wound that will NEVER heal. I even married someone I was not physically attracted to in hopes that FINALLY I would have the love that I had been looking for. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! He was until two years ago the worst, now he and my child's father are tied for worst traumas EVER! I want to forget them, but how do I do that? I want those losers out of my bag. I don't want to be the bag lady that keeps missing her bus draggin all my bags.
I guess this is a conversation I need to have with myself. I could try talking it out with people, but sometimes even in a person's best attempt they're more discouraging than they are encouraging. I know this much about myself, when I set my mind to it no one can stop me. Just gotta get my mind right. Gotta stop internalizing everything, and holding onto everything. Don't exactly know how to do that, since I've been doing this my whole life. But I'll pray for an answer and keep it moving....

Soul Sista #1

OK so on FB I was telling a funny little story about my paranoid episode... and my SS1 read it and she says that I really need to start writing again. Then of course my little sister chimes in as well. Yes, I do need to write again, but I'm suffering from some serious writer's block. Whenever the story starts to hit close to home... I blank out. I used to just think of stories all the time. I could probably think of themes for multiple story lines all day... today... I'm just happy to focus on the task at hand. I cant wait to get the old me back. When I do, look for Lizzy on the best seller's list.... :o)

This changes things!

OK so I was just cruising FB and on one of my Natural Hair "friend" pages they posted a link to a blogger who had just successfully taken then hair down after five years of having locs!!!!!!!!!!!  Wha-Wha-WHAT! Oh my goodness this changes thing. I thought the only option once you were done with locs was to cut them out. Zimo had mentioned this before, but she said it as if she had only heard about it, not that is was actual concrete fact. Now I'm not saying that today I'm gonna go out and loc my hair. It still may take me a few years to REALLY consider it, but its nice to know this is an option and no more committal than braiding my hair.

So sad

OK so, last nite I started thinking about Celeste. As tears down the sides of my face and soggied up my pillow I put this up on FB:

"Have you ever met someone who stained your heart? Some1 who made you instantly feel like your a good person? She would repeat some of the random things I said in reply to a question with the echo of profound thought. YES! She made me feel special. She ...made me feel good! She appreciated everything I do for my child. You know how one lie will spoil a thousand truths? Celeste was the eraser or of that lie if that makes any sense. Everyone can agree that your one way, but when the person you most care about says otherwise... it HURTS! Turbulent times in my life and then came Celeste! She helped me in more ways than she'll ever know. I think about her often, and even tho I feel like I was the last person to meet her, I miss her. Tonite I mourn my friend! I miss you Celeste! I cant wait 2 see you again, tell you about all the changes in my life, and how my baby has grown. Introduce you 2 Jasmine, and just live."

And then today as I didn't put the two together until I sat down my baby and I went to Bro. Howell's Memorial. Sitting there it was too much for me to deal with. I kept spacing out, but I didn't regret being there. Its just that I'm tired of death and the pain that it causes. It wasn't until someone asked me if I was OK that I realized how not OK I was. We went and said our hellos to the family and then my baby and I left. It was hard to even smile at people but I did it some how. We went to TJ's and I spaced out in the car for a minute. Fortunately we were in the parking lot sitting in the car. I realized it when the people in the car in front of us kind of stared at us.

When I came home.... AWWWWWW! Mexican Egg Nog to the rescue! During my second shot of Egg Nog my baby said to me, I'm cutting you off at two. Didn't realize I was drowning my sorrows in Egg Nog, but I was. So my baby asked me to help them with a puzzle and it they were right, doing the puzzle helped me think about something else. But don't ask me how much food I've eaten today. Its just not a good day.

maneandchic: To Waist Length: The Regimen

maneandchic: To Waist Length: The Regimen: "My hair April 2007 Do you remember what my hair looked like back in April 2007? I've come a long way. I feel like its taken forever, but I..."

Ok, so happy to have found this site. I will have to sit down one day and read all the informaiton she has on here. This is so the direction I want to go in.... I need to understand how she did it. AND COPY!

R blogs supposed 2b like ur diary

Am I doing this wrong? I used to keep a diary, from elementary school on up. In my adult life I've called it my "Journal" but now I write here. Am I doing this wrong? Am I sharing too much? Do u even wanna hear me whine like I do, because fog has set in? I don't know I read other people's blog and they have a real sense of purpose and structure. Mine is totally moody, and truly about "A day n da life of Lizzy".  I don't know maybe I shut this whole thing down.....

Betty #1 is getting married!!!

Yay! My friend at work Betty #1 is getting married y'all. Betty and her husband of 12 years (I think) are getting remarried. Watching her slowly become more and more excited about the whole thing is making me excited. She is WONDERFULLY creative and I cant wait to see how she puts it all together. I love to see a person's personality in the things they create. And a wedding is a blank canvas that you fill with bits and pieces of your personality. You heard me go on the other night, but I love to see other people's visions come out.
To date there's only been one wedding that truly disappointed. And it was just that I thought everyone knew that the reception is really for your family and friends to come together with you and celebrate your nuptials. This person knew that they were marrying into a large family, but did EVERYTHING in there power to avoid the family. Family offered to help, etc but the bride wasn't having it. That was disappointing as the situation was close to my heart. :o( I could go on, but it makes me sad so I wont.

But I'm so excited for Betty #1, she has the cutest family, and I cant wait to see pictures of their special day.

My weekend

Looking at my post I didn't tell you about my weekend. It was awesome, with a few sad moments sprinkled in. Saturday was the Cocktail party, and I don't know why the shyness came over me and I found myself in the kitchen talking to my cousins. Good conversations for sure, but I didn't mingle like I needed to. Oh well, if my weekend would've stopped there I can see being disappointed about the outcome. But I reluctantly left the party at 1am, but I had to go home and cook anyways. I didn't get in the bed until after three and then I couldn't fall asleep. But THEN I was up by 8am and out the house by 8:40am. I did so good. I made the cake Saturday before the party and made the potatoes that night. Sunday I spent most of my day cleaning my cousin's beautiful kitchen. Now I know that doesn't normally sound like fun, but her house is beautiful, and I felt like I was doing a good thing. I know I hate cleaning up after I've had company. One time I had company and when they left I found the strength to get up to clean and found that my guest had cleaned up everything. It was the MOST awesome feeling ever. So knowing how that made me feel, I try to remember to pass on the love. It was getting late and we were still having fun! That was awesome! Then tragedy struck, my cousin got the call that her father-in-law passed away. The vibe in the house changed. Everyone was on the verge of tears men included, and it was comforting to me if that makes any sense. Nets, Shun, and I had our own conversation at one point. Nets has lost both her parents, and Shun lost his father and one of my best friends. They were both being very real about their situations and it brought me comfort. Yea, me comfort, I just didn't want to be the first person to give way to tears so I wiped away the few rebellious tears but lived in the moment with my family as we shared our pains. I tried to explain myself to Shun, and apologize. Every time I melted it seemed like the worst time, in my mind and I didn't want to do that to him and the boys. I'm just happy that I got to explain myself. Now that I think about it, I'm friends with Zimo's hubby, but I was always Jasmine's friend. I was cool with her hubby, but we weren't ever close. I don't think I would have a problem crying in front of Zimo's hubby, but that's because I feel as though he knows me. I never really had convos with Shun. But we were all kids and too busy running around being kids I guess. But all in all that sadness was a welcomed sadness. That night we didn't leave until after 3am when I finished the kitchen. I came home and slept until 1pm. Then I saw that Nets texted me and invited me back to the house. I gladly went.  I gave my cousin and her hubby HUGS, I could tell she wasn't doing well at all. We hung out for a while watching comedies and laughing and laughing. I love my family, I love how silly we are. And how we can laugh at stuff! Oh and my cake and potatoes were a hit again. BIG CHEESE! I had a wonderful time this weekend just being with my family.

Cant get it together

What is wrong with me today. After fussing with one of my peers on the phone today I found myself REALLY FRUSTRATED, but now that I think about it.... I was really tired this morning. Why, because I was up past my bedtime last night. Clicking on the keyboard dreaming of my Maggie wedding drinking my Egg Nog imported directly from Mexico. Have you EVER had Egg Nog from Mexico? My friend at work brought me a bottle, DELICIOSO! BUT, you've gotta sip slowly. I haven't had more than a shot of this stuff yet. But its so rich and good! I love it! Thank you Betty #1!
So the sadness from the reality that not even part of that dream is feasible sent me to bed sad.... and then I woke up tired. I guess I was a time bomb waiting to happen. Then my peer pushed that button, and I found myself LOUD on the floor while talking to her on the phone. In my early twenties I learned the hard way that there is an office tone and a at home tone. By nature I am a loud person, VOLUME is in my genes. However at work I try very hard to tone it down if you will. But you will always know when I'm excited about something. I don't even realize when my tone elevates, which can be sad. But this chick was trying to get me to not only commit myself but another person to time frames outside of our norm. I couldn't and wouldn't do it, so hence the back and forth. How many times can you cut Lizzy off or tell her to hold on before she fires on you????? Well I tell you when I was younger you probably could've gotten away with that junk a lot more than you can now. My temper is always a ticking time bomb anyways. And I know when I'm tired I'm not a nice person either. I had such a lovely weekend, but I haven't caught up on my sleep from it yet. Then I wanna be crying over a wedding I wont have especially when I don't even have a fella???? WHAT'S UP WIT DAT???? Moodiness! Then I thought I would have some down time this evening before my baby came home, but it appears that wont be the case either. (Eyes Rolling) OK so tonight, feeding the kid, getting all the love I can squeeze out of them before they get sick of me hugging on them. You know how kids are when they're at the Tween stage? They're too cool to be hugging on their mom, I guess. Play a couple games on the computer and then I'm going to BED! BED! BED! BED! Ooh! A HOT bubble bath just before hitting the sheets would be NICE too! Eyes rolling in my head thinking about it. I'll see if I can pull that off as well. I just need to get it together.

Dowry

I just made myself sad! I have all these fabulous ideas about how I want my wedding to go once I find the man of my dreams. But I have no DOWRY! I don't have $20 to make my dreams come true. I think I know where I want to have my reception, I want a Maggie Sottero dress (my current favorite is the Kadence style! Oh my goodness this dress is silver, blinging, and sexy! check it out: http://www.maggiesottero.com/dress.aspx?keywordText=kadence&line=m&keywordType=any&page=0&pageSize=15&style=J1192). I have no idea how much this dress even cost! Not that you would ever pick out the dress before you have the man, but I LOVE this dress! How often do you see a dress and love it?
Any who, I have BIG dreams and no possible way to pull them off. I mean I even know that my engagement would have to last about a year or more. I need the opportunity to buy Turkeys when they are in season and most reasonably priced. Although I love the job my second mom does I would want her to be a guest at my wedding and not worrying about the kitchen. But how in the world would I pull that off? I don't think she would have a problem with catering for me. I would REALLY want her to be a guest at my wedding and get the chance to enjoy the ceremony and reception. I would want her to help me design the layout of the room and decide on the food and set up. But I would really love to have people carryout her vision, and not have her lift a finger. I would want to stay in the fanciest hotel I've ever stayed in on my wedding night.
Here's how I envision the day going. Rent the facility the day before and set up the day before. Take lots of pictures of the place while its empty, have our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Depending on time I would like to sit down and have breakfast with my family and all those who have come in from out of town. Then a day of BEAUTY! Photographed every step of the way. Hair, make-up, if we had time massages first. LOL! I know not necessary but doesn't that sound NICE? The bridal party (which includes mother of the bride and mother of the groom) would meet at the reception hall. The groom's men and Ushers should be at the KH already, directing cars and greeting guest. The limo bus would deliver the bridal party to the KH. Then we all get dressed. The bridesmaids are to remain unseen as well as the bride. Ceremony, and the wedding party and parents leave immediately to be photographed. Meanwhile guest travel to the reception hall. I want each guest photographed upon entry. No admittance without a photo. The invitation will state that my wedding is a formal event, and I will stress the importance of FORMAL attire for all of my guest. I want a picture of everyone in attendance. Plus I'd want everyone to take home a beautiful photo of their selves. I want good food, haven't decided what type of entertainment other than dancing. I want to dance like its 1999, LOL! I don't know if I would want to video a skit or perform one at the reception, but something totally fun, silly, but appropriate. I want a beautiful cake! See! I want I want I want! No way to make this happen. As far as a honeymoon goes, I don't have to go anywhere far just a nice hotel room, with a big bed, and HUGE TUB or Jacuzzi in the room. I have BIG dreams! Oh well, I guess that's why I have such dreams. Oh Well!

I know I shouldnt

I know I shouldn't think about you, since I have vowed to loath you for eternity. But today I thought about  you, and it was a nice thought (imagine that). Guess my emotions are all over the place today... My emotions are usually all over the place when I think about you in this light. Thinking about what could've been what still could be.... the dream is not realistic of course. The reality of it all is that it would NEVER work and that I should be ashamed of myself for entertaining the idea. Remember been there, done that...  I'm gonna get down on my knees and pray these thoughts away. It does me no good to have them. I just hope you're having a good day out there somewhere on this planet. I hope when you think of me every once in a while its a pleasant thought as well. I guess it OK to say that secretly I'm still you're friend although I don't think I would own up to it if someone were to ask me. Just know that from time to time I may shoot you a look that says hello friend. But the more I think of it the more I know that look wont happen. LOL! When you see me looking its more than likely you'll catch a look from me that says DIE PIG DIE! HA! HA! HA! When I thought about writing this, I laughed at the thought. And now that I see it on screen its even funnier. Just so we're clear, this post was about no one in particular. I just wanted to go somewhere that my fingers talked me out of going... LOL!

The Weekend is coming!

The weekend is coming! The weekend is coming! Thanx 2 MLK day I get a three day weekend, and my Saturday and Sunday are booked. YAY! :o) I look forward to vegg'ing out on Monday. Catching an extra few winks. etc. Today I want to be with my baby, wishing I could leave work early. But the day is almost over so I just need to hang in there.
Sometimes I wish I was a girly-girl. I have the worst blemishes coming up just in time for the weekend, and I wish I knew what to do to make them go away pronto. But I know I will end up telling myself I don't care when I really do. And then admiring someone else for being everything I'm not. Oh well such is life. I just congratulate myself for not being a hater. Something Jasmine and I really have in common. We would be genuinely happy for other females on their girlishness while we were complete dorks and loving ourselves for it. She is still more girly than me, but she's more creative. Oh well so here I sit today, somewhat thrown together. I need some more flats PRONTO! These tennis shoes are ruining the vibe of my outfit, it may seem like to the world I don't care, but I know I do. OH WELL! Need earrings! DAG NABIT! 4got my necklace... just a HOT mess today how about that. Oh well, weekend are you here yet? I'm so ready!

PS
The word of the day is PRONTO! LOL!

Hazy Saturday

Oh my goodness what happened to the sun? I don't think missing the sun has ever affected me like this before. Now, I'm a fan of cold weather especially when there's a man in the house to keep you warm.... But since it has been YEARS since I've had a man around for warmth it seems like each winter keeps getting colder and colder.
You know I was talking to my mom yesterday. And she gave me a lot to think about. I will admit that the thought of it makes me sad, BUT it was probably what I needed to hear to help me a long the way. She says to me, I know you want a husband but sometimes having a man around isn't all that it cracked up to be. She says you can be doing fine all by yourself and then you add a man to the picture and everything falls apart.

I'm looking at the examples around me and its sad to say, but oh how true. I have tons of family members around me who were looking for a mate but all the while they were OK. Not the best because they desperately wanted to be married, but still doing really good. Then they marry sometimes almost right after they say I do the problems begin OR its like.... "I do" good times right? WAIT FOR IT! Good times right? WAIT FOR IT! Good times right? WRONG! DRAMA and HORRIFIC MESS! I know nothing has to be as bad as what I went through, but even in the best marriages there are times when you don't wanna be married anymore and your mate is TRULY getting on your last nerve. Although my ex would like me to believe that I'm not good enough for the man I've been praying for... I am just starting to believe he just doesn't exist. And even the perfect man is imperfect and why bother. So although tomorrow I may whine about being manless, today I'm ok with it. I got my baby to keep me warm, for now anyways. My baby is in the kitchen making us Cornish Hens with Citrus Scented Roasted Vegetables! The kitchen smells so good! Today life is good, I'm ok with my status.

No matter how smart you think you are

U know, your intelligence is what originally attracted me to you. But  now over a decade later I swear dealing with you is like dealing with a FEMALE I CANT STAND! U get on my FRICKIN' NERVES! You don't know it all, and the things that you're saying aren't so hard to understand, however you make me question whether I was secretly brainwashed and taught to speak Finnish cause you never seem to understand what I'm saying to you. I don't think its so hard to understand me, but you know I'm starting to find that more and more people don't understand what I'm trying to tell them. So maybe when I'm not paying attention that Finnish starts coming out and you get frustrated cause cant understand me. Well for a second lets say that could actually be true.... You're "smart" figure it out! UGH! Just don't talk to me any more, you know it all and I am a measly peasant too ignorant to comprehend the things you say..... Now reality check! It frustrates you because I AM DA BOMB! I know! I know! It can be daunting to be around someone as blessed as me. But don't let it get you down. Chin up young person, you too can shine without stealing someone's thunder. Come sit down next to momma, she'll show you how its done. You're still as dumb today as you were yesterday, but I'll try to teach you something. You don't have to attempt to rob me of my self-esteem to "TRY" to feel better about being you! It doesn't work that way sweetheart and if you haven't learned already, acting this way wont ever make you feel better about being you. I feel better already! Not gonna let an idiot steal my thunder! No matter how smart you think you are....

One of the Biggest Compliments

So I got the dates for my District Convention, so today I texted a lot of my fam to find out who was gonna be with me this summer. So far the response has been GREAT! Then my cuzzo Niq's tell me that her sister is coming into town and we're gonna eat at her house after service that morning. So I ask what she needs me to bring. She paid me the biggest compliment, she asked for the Chocolate Toffee Mountain High cake or my Garlic Mashed Loaded Baked Potatoes. I mean I don't know about the rest of the cooks of the world but when someone likes the food you prepared for them you feel AWESOME! BUT THEN WHEN THEY REQUEST AN ENCORE!!!!! THE HUGhEST COMPLIMENT EVER! Let me tell you, I got a little misty... Thanx Niq's for the love. But now let me tell you, a couple of weeks ago when we were having our dinner people weren't stepping up to bring things like they normally would. Zimo offered but she was going to be coming from out of town. How in the world was she gonna cook something and do all she had to do with her fam??? Now come on I'm not that selfish! Niq's! My BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL NIQ'S! She asked if there was anything I needed and I needed another meat with all the people added to the menu. So I asked if she could bring a ham, not only did she bring the ham, her ham ROCKED! AND she wasn't 2 1/2 hours late with it! (Eyes Rolling!) So for her, I just did a pantry check to see what I need to attempt this cake again and to make the potatoes again. For my cousins I will attempt the expensive cake and time consuming cake again! LOL! Besides all that.... it was DELICIOUS! Everything will be made with love! And this time I will only have a small piece.... I hope! LOL! I make no guarantees! LOL!

Tamia - Officially Missing You (Sing-a-long)

This song did it! OMG! I'm officially missing the SUN! All I hear are rain drops! Oooh! Caint nobody do it like u! DA SUN! DA SUN!

Like Jill said

I just wanna be loved, like everybody else does. I just wanna be loved! OH MY GOODNESS! I cant get this song out of my brain. This song reads like so many of the Post I've posted on FB. Like for instance:

Rollercoaster

by Lizzy on Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 6:38am

Sometimes I wonder if I'm more n love wit the idea of the ultimate coaster or is my quest 4 the ultimate thrill ride real. Is it wrong that my idea of vacation is bein on a coaster at some point? I know some ppl have grander ideas but I think mine r pretty simple and straight 4ward. I've been 2 a few parks and there's 1 n particular that I really loved. Not that it was any good, but the best 2 date. I mean the park wasn't big at all but what it lacked in size it made up 4 n attractions. Have u been there, some ppl call it Magic, I call that Mountain my home. Patronage to this park was pretty liberal, although I always felt it belonged to me. When I think of coasters I always think of home, as it was the last place I've known. I would like 2 believe that there is a park out there has everything I need. I keep hearing of new parks and I get a little excited just to find out they're WEAK or shut down due 2 da current economy. Why? Oh why? Why is it so hard 2 find a great place 2 vacation? And I'm so cool off of the places that have what seem 2b reasonable fares 2 enter da gate just 2 find that all the featured attractions r 4 an additional fee. I wanna feel butterflies again, exhaustion frm walkn all day. And satisfaction as I recollect on my vacay n a theme park that seems 2b made just 4 me. I havent visited home n years, and I have no intention of visitin that place ever again no matter how appealin they try 2 make that park seem. Oh well, I hear that some folks have gone across the country and found what I'm lookin 4 there. My thing is that I live here and since I cant relocate those visits would end up bein more expensive than I could imagine paying. So I guess I'll just endure on the West hopin and waitn 4 the 1 that fits. I just wanna ride why is that so hard 2 find/do? I guess I shouldve budgeted better, and not went with the 1st group 2 the park of my nightmares. But hey I guess I cant b 2 mad about that, that park gave me the foundation of what not 2 do da nxt time. I guess 4 now I gotta put coasters out of my mind and focus on my budget. Once my finances r n order I can go anywhere I like.

Some times inspiration hits me and I can write, other times a total dud! I guess I hope to hone in on the writing more and less of the whining.....

Jill Scott - Wanna Be Loved

Ok, couldnt stop listening to this song today..... This is such a Me! Song.

So if U couldnt tell!!!

So if u couldn't tell its a Jill Scott kind of day! Whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment is full of PASSION and EXPRESSION! Listen 2 me! Listen 2 me! Listen me 2!

Jill Scott - Whenever You're Around

He says sweet things that I like to hear and he makes me smile when I'm down!

Jill Scott - Easy Conversation [With Lyrics]

This is beautiful! When I cant find the words...."

Jill Scott - My Love

U chose her cause!!!!!

Jill Scott "Hate On Me"

Of course Gotta bring out the BIG HORNS!

Jill Scott - He Loves Me

Opening LINE!!!! You LOVE ME! 1 day!

Def Poetry: Jill Scott

I WISH I could do this! SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Jill Scott "Whatever"

I LOVES ME SOME JILL!!! I wish I could sing like this... Singing like this is a blessing to poetry!

Silly

Here is my silliest and FAVORITE saying... "I was born A BABY!"

New adventure in the Daily TJ Adventures

So when I walk into the store you cant miss his Afro, great he's a cashier today.... So I take my time browsing the fruits and veggies. I buy some NASTY instant Oatmeal (I'm not a fan of oatmeal haven't been since I was baby, but I'm swallowing it because I know its good for me, and it could be a lot worse. Plus with a whole banana smashed up in it its not so bad.), bananas, tangerines, and two bags of Pink grapefruit. My baby and I love them, its not a diet thing we just like to eat them, and they're in season this time of year.

 As I near the front of the store I scan the check out lines, of course his line is the shortest, and did I see him looking to see where I was going to go as I scanned? I'ma big gurl, I'ma go in his line, I can handle it.... The woman in front of me had three children with her. She had what looked to be a three year, a two year old, and a two and half week old. Oh the baby was so tiny and precious. But I always gush over babies, I LOVE them so..... I just don't want to have anymore personally. And the mom didn't look like she had one kid let alone a two and a half week old. I hate her, she needed to teach that class for me thirteen years ago. Push the baby and the fat all out at the same time. HOW DID SHE DO THAT???? Anywho when its my turn the conversation went like this:

Him: Hello
Me: Hello
Him: Knowing you don't need all these grapefruit
Me: Oh I LOVE grapefruit its delicious
Him: Its tart, TART!
Me: I like tart
Him: I thought I was the only one who could drink a whole container of grapefruit and be OK
Me: I've never tried that I like to eat the fruit
Him: Well when you drink the juice as fast as you can, your body will feel all tingly
Me: um, OK I'll have to try that (thinking HUH???)
Him: You want this all in one bag
Me: No, two bags would be better I have to carry it across the street
Him: I bet your house smells sweet
Me: Only when I'm baking
Him: No when you eat sweet stuff your body will smell sweet too, and I've noticed that when I eat sweet stuff I make my house smell sweet. I bet your house smells REAL sweet!
Me: (YIKES!) um, OK I'll have to pay attention... OK then
Him: You have a good day
Me: Thanx u 2

I grabbed my bags and headed out the door. My face was starting to sting. If I was fair skinned I would've been RED. Maybe it was just that I was embarrassed but it felt like everyone in line was listening. I didn't scan to see if I recognized anyone in ear shot, I just grabbed my bags and ran. LOL!  One day I wont embarrass so easily, but today.... BLUSH!

Shoes!

 I was thinking about shoes this weekend. That's right you heard me, shoes. I've only worn a few pair. You know how some women's closets are FULL of shoes. I mean I get why they love them, but I just haven't been a have to have a bunch of them kind of female. But with that said I have yet to find a pair that fit. The last pair I wore, they weren't big in the slightest sense of the word. They were even at times too small, no wonder I would get headaches. They came in an athletic box, but (eyes rolling) on very rare and I do mean RARE occasions did I see the benefit of that. Maybe I complain because of the lack of consistency, maybe if I experienced sloppy shoes I would know the difference. But call me wrong but I don't want that kind of shoe again. I want an every day nice pair of shoes that will go with any outfit but are primarily worn for service. Ooh! Yea, shoes that I could wear out in service but are comfortable and stylish enough to wear out dancing. Shoes I can have fun in and enjoy the rest of my life. Right now I'm terrified of finding shoes that have false advertising... That's what's happened with all the other shoes I've bought. So I bought so "wide" dress shoes. I liked them as they were comfortable. Do you know with the little bit of weight I've lost I can feel my feet sliding around in them. Again not a good fit a little heart breaking as I thought FINALLY I had found the shoes I had been looking for. But as I think about it, these shoes were really too old looking to be what I need. Modest yes, but I couldn't see myself running in these shoes.
Yesterday my aunt told me about someone is buying shoes outside of the recommended store. I mean I've never given the recommended shop a real chance either, but I'm not shopping outside either. How can I say I want shoes if I'm not looking? Well truth be told, there has never been a good pair of shoes that have appealed to me in the recommended store. Only the shoes that were being shipped to a discount store, those stupid shoes will cry out in a heartbeat. I sadly digress and continue to pray on it. I don't need a bunch of shoes, I just need one GOOD pair. Maybe that's the problem, that I need a good pair. Maybe I should just settle for the nonsense like everyone else. At least I wouldn't be completely barefoot. The thought that is frustrating but I see frustration either way.

Getting Better with Time

My theory - Men start slowing down after 18. Where women only get better as time goes on. I know with this thinking it should be just the thought for me to justify dating and even marrying someone younger than me me, but how about NO! I just cant see respecting someone younger than me as the head of my household. I know I need to grow up in that regard, but as of today that's something that has not changed. Anyone younger than me need not apply.

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

OH YES! Another anthem! If you see me strutting, just know this song is playing....

New Month, New Day, New Year....All New

Its a new year, hooray???? I keep thinking, all of this is just a repeat of the past, there's nothing new under the sun. LOL! OK so with the exception of this weekend. Its go time again... Starting "MONDAY" ;o) Its time for me to get back on track. Time to get back on my program, and time for me to MOVE FORWARD! I will be hearing MJB "Just Fine" every step of the way! Its time! Its Time! Hmmmmm..... let me find the video as another inspiration. LOL!