So sad

OK so, last nite I started thinking about Celeste. As tears down the sides of my face and soggied up my pillow I put this up on FB:

"Have you ever met someone who stained your heart? Some1 who made you instantly feel like your a good person? She would repeat some of the random things I said in reply to a question with the echo of profound thought. YES! She made me feel special. She ...made me feel good! She appreciated everything I do for my child. You know how one lie will spoil a thousand truths? Celeste was the eraser or of that lie if that makes any sense. Everyone can agree that your one way, but when the person you most care about says otherwise... it HURTS! Turbulent times in my life and then came Celeste! She helped me in more ways than she'll ever know. I think about her often, and even tho I feel like I was the last person to meet her, I miss her. Tonite I mourn my friend! I miss you Celeste! I cant wait 2 see you again, tell you about all the changes in my life, and how my baby has grown. Introduce you 2 Jasmine, and just live."

And then today as I didn't put the two together until I sat down my baby and I went to Bro. Howell's Memorial. Sitting there it was too much for me to deal with. I kept spacing out, but I didn't regret being there. Its just that I'm tired of death and the pain that it causes. It wasn't until someone asked me if I was OK that I realized how not OK I was. We went and said our hellos to the family and then my baby and I left. It was hard to even smile at people but I did it some how. We went to TJ's and I spaced out in the car for a minute. Fortunately we were in the parking lot sitting in the car. I realized it when the people in the car in front of us kind of stared at us.

When I came home.... AWWWWWW! Mexican Egg Nog to the rescue! During my second shot of Egg Nog my baby said to me, I'm cutting you off at two. Didn't realize I was drowning my sorrows in Egg Nog, but I was. So my baby asked me to help them with a puzzle and it they were right, doing the puzzle helped me think about something else. But don't ask me how much food I've eaten today. Its just not a good day.