For Real?????

So last night and this morning I found myself doing something I rarely ever do. I was thinking about The Monkey. And it wasn't in a "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" Well I take that back, I don't have any love for him so it wasn't in like I was happy to think about him. But I guess what it was, was this... I'm trying to grow up and part of that means being honest with yourself about something. First time I was honest was when I said out loud, that my anger normally stems from my pain. And I guess when I was explaining to my sister yesterday that I'm not really MAD about my friend's husband for remarrying (marriage to happen shortly), its just "I'm" not ready for him to move on. His choice to do so hurts me so I react ANGRILY! But I'm not mad at him, I just cant handle it, so I still refuse to deal with it. But at least I can say I'm not MAD at him.

But then I thought about The Monkey... That relationship was so traumatic that how many years later it still hurts like it was a few minutes ago. Yes, I loved him, and to be honest I know he loved me, he just didn't know how. He was so selfish and young there's no way that was gonna work out. Not that his age is what I mean by young I mean the immaturity exercised in our relationship. So many things happened so rapidly in that relationship that sometimes I forget about certain things until they come up, and then I'm like OH YEA, I went through that too. I'm never glad that I went through that whole ordeal. I didn't get married to get divorced and that bothers me more than most things in that relationship, but I am happy that I can relate to people on a level that others try to hide or pretend doesn't exist in theirs.

He's the reason I don't divulge my past experiences easily. He would ask me about my past (now when I look back I can truly see how insecure and retarded the whole thing was) and then he'd react as if this were something that happened while we were together. Nope don't have to live that nightmare twice. But my child's father suffers from a milder version of the same issue. Although I was reluctant to discuss my past, the things I did tell him, I would hear about them later. So how does that affect me today, even tighter lipped than before. I just don't see any good resulting from Harboring on the past. The things you need to know I'll tell but don't look for me to be just open about it. NOPE! But there were good times, they were rare and far in between. But every once in a while I'll remember something that was good and go "oh yea" I must've hung in there for something.

So I was thinking about him in the sense that hmmmmmm it would be a lie to say I'm not angry about the things that happened or how things ended up. But I am more HURT than anything about the way things happened. Hurt that I actually expected him to love me like he promised. I'm hurt that he never tried to make things right, I feel robbed of so many things. Not that he cares, cared, or even understood all the things he robbed me of. Instead of giving me a bag he gave me a whole dump truck full of issues.

I'm sitting here to trying to hide as I type this. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to be beautiful, meticulous, and excellent. Someone like him, someone like them are the only ones who seem to notice. Or who seem to notice when I am free to do anything about it. I think I'm at capacity for bad relationships, I dont want another one like I've had. But I do want a relationship.... Doesnt make sense huh.

I cant get the next thought out. I keep typing and deleting. I guess I should just accept progress as progress and not for all the answers to present theirselves today. But I am beautiful, and I'm tired of trying to make myself as unappealing as possible. I actually enjoy being beautiful, if there was a way to do it without incurring any more monsters I think I would JUMP on it. I gotta lot to figure out. SIGH! I'm crying on the inside right now. So MANY tears!