I'm sitting here thinking about the upcoming festivities... I'm going to a party, haven't been to a "party" since just before I found out I was pregnant with my baby. Everyone has to wear white to this party. I found a beautiful white dress online at Macy's. I tried it on the other day and it fits but its not BANGIN' on me. :o( I wanna tone up and get it together and there is something mentally blocking me. I know I'm hyping this whole thing up in my head more than it is. I doubt that would be anyone there who would get my attention.
AHA! I just had a moment. I keep saying that I'm afraid of the attention that I could possibly draw when I get in shape, but truthfully there are so many healthy single women that, that's not quite the total issue. Here's what it is..... I'm afraid of working my butt off. FINALLY being completely HAPPY NO IN LOVE with me, meeting a guy who I fall for, and then being rejected by him. Rejection seems to be the story of my life, and no matter how many times it happens. Each and every rejection is like another stab wound that will NEVER heal. I even married someone I was not physically attracted to in hopes that FINALLY I would have the love that I had been looking for. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! He was until two years ago the worst, now he and my child's father are tied for worst traumas EVER! I want to forget them, but how do I do that? I want those losers out of my bag. I don't want to be the bag lady that keeps missing her bus draggin all my bags.
I guess this is a conversation I need to have with myself. I could try talking it out with people, but sometimes even in a person's best attempt they're more discouraging than they are encouraging. I know this much about myself, when I set my mind to it no one can stop me. Just gotta get my mind right. Gotta stop internalizing everything, and holding onto everything. Don't exactly know how to do that, since I've been doing this my whole life. But I'll pray for an answer and keep it moving....
No comments:
Post a Comment