Sadness and Confusion

1st off the sadness... my grandfather passed away. Although I had no emotional reaction when my father called me Friday full of anguish and pain. Going into his house on Saturday morning brought me to my KNEES! And from which I don't think I've quite gotten up yet. I have a bad attitude sometimes, and its a struggle to keep that in check and to mind my place in this world. But the interesting thing is that unless someone tells me I was COMPLETELY wrong I see how people end up running around spouting their opinions about things that really should be none of their business. But he and I didn't see eye to eye about most things. The underlying issues were bigger than the small things we silently argued about. Oh well I told him I loved more than once after our feud began and each time it was me reaching out to him, never the other way around. Not surprising but just the way things happened. My family is hurting and there's nothing I can really do to make anything better for them, so I just kind of hurt as well.

2nd confusion.... What I don't understand is if I'm praying not to think about you. Its like you can feel a disturbance in the force and you do "things" to make me think about you. I don't know if its intentional or if I'm making something out of nothing. But I don't want to think about you, especially if you're not thinking about me. We've been here done this remember and I got banana cream pie in the face last time. No, I will not hold my breath or be checking for you. But I am starting to get a little confused by it all. Maybe you're just looking for a friend. I guess that's not the worse. But that's not exactly what I'm looking for these days. My agenda is kind of full and seriously I'm looking for something real. I guess I should remember that when our friendship started to bloom last time I ran in the wrong direction. That's not what you came for, or even wanted from me. It doesn't help to imagine something's there when it really isn't. Thank you for helping me talk myself down. "FRIENDS" is all we'll ever be, and I shouldn't look for you to ever be more than just that to me.