Moody

OK, so I know I've been moody. I've been trying to keep it to myself. But last night he stepped on my nerve, and I didn't realize how exposed it was until I was screaming into the phone and tears were rolling down my face.
You see I've been off my "program" for a little while now and the pounds have been rolling back on. By now I should know better than to share anything person with the father of my child. He isn't happy with himself, so he pulls everyone else around him down as well. Last night I wasn't in the mood, I should've kept the conversation short and to the point and kept it moving. But no.... I vaguely mentioned my "program" which for me is a lifestyle change not a diet. And I call it a program as it is a program to help me get my life back and will be a way of life moving forward. And when I deviate from that "program" I know that the pounds will come. Well he was in a "PREACHY" mood last night. Anytime I said anything he was all over it. Constantly tearing me down, and trying to unjustify anything and everything that I said. ANNOYING!
The straw that broke the camel's back is when I alluded to the fact that right now is a hard time for me. Without even understanding what I meant he shoots back that what I'm going through other people have gone through and worse..... Now even though that's true it doesn't take MY PAIN away! I LOST it! Next week on the 29th marks the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's death. I'm not dealing well, and I want to be, but I'm not.
Even though my heart wants to, I don't want to have a wedding. Although my SS1 and Zimo would be there it wouldn't be the same without her. You see my plan was to have those most important persons right there in the forefront with me. My sister, because I love her dearly. SS1 would dream with me and help me see how I could make something out of nothing to fit my black tie affair. Zimo would be my help to make things happen. She'd find my ideas and make them come to life. Jazz would be my comic relief, and help to take the edge off.
Let alone the lesson we just had this past Sunday... I'm trying my hardest to see my singleness as a blessing. I know I should but I don't. I already know that the man I wish for and my heart longs for doesn't exist, but its just hard to deal with that reality sometimes. And I don't value being alone, except for the times when I don't have to deal with some fool bringing me down. I can do bad all by myself. I just don't believe that there's a non-selfish mate for me anymore. The selfishness is the part that always hurts me. So I'd rather not deal with that EVER!
I'm so through with that man and his issues. I hate that he tries to make his issues mine. Everything that he stated as reasons to justify his departure from his current girlfriend are all things that he's guilty of. If its not about him he acts a FOOL! He doesn't understand half the things I tell him, but assumes that he does. He uses folks, and then drops them when he doesn't need them anymore. And he always has to have someone. He'll lie and say there's no one and try to make it seem like he's coping on his own. But that isn't true, I have yet to know him when its just him, HE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE SOMEONE and that's just sad. And then he tends to make it seem like there's something wrong with you because you can be content without having someone in your life. I don't need a man to make me feel good about being me. I can be alone and be happy enough. He doesn't leave a relationship until he has another one lined up. And if he can he doesn't completely leave any relationship. I'm just sad that it took me so long to see him for who he is.... just sad. He'll come to me sharing all these personal things about the person he's with and then turn around and talk about me to them. Not even his "best-friend" is above his disapproval and slander. He will never be happy, which is why he's now turning to Mary to some how turn off the pain of the things he's lacking in his life. He doesn't want to fix the things that are wrong with him, and he tries to justify them. But yet he faults you for running from your issues. I SMELL A HYPOCRITE! Oh well that's his issue and thank goodness its no longer mine. I was already emotional last night and then he pushed me over the edge. Oh well, I will heal and he will remain the same.... pathetic!