Ugly Duckling

One of my favorite shorts from Disney is the one about the Ugly Duckling. Because of  the way I grew up I can truly relate to this story. Not really fitting in with the people around you. They all look the same but you're the only one who looks different. Even adults can be and are just horrible when you don't look the way they think you should look.

You start off happy about yourself. Not really thinking one way or another. And then BAM! Here comes people with their interjections. And I don't care how tough your skin is, you cant get away from those situations without being affected even if its only a little bit.

Even the most optimistic person is gonna have feelings of doubt and self worthlessness.

All a lone without a friend in the world. The goal is overcome these feelings to find your worth from within and then to let it shine like a beacon at night right? That's the idea they try to sell all of us. But when you don't feel good about who you are its kind of hard to shine through the dark ugliness of depression.

The Disney Story stops here:

The Ugly Duckling finds its' BEAUTIFUL mother, and siblings that look just like them. And they go on happy and content with life. If only that were real. I struggle daily with the bad taste those mean ole Ducks left in my mouth. Sometimes I see the Swan in myself and I beg her to come out. But most days I still feel isolated, and ugly. Its one of the worse things to be in a room full of people and to feel completely ALONE! That has happened to me more times than I want to remember. I guess that's why I tend to look for those who are hanging in the corner their selves. People who I can relate to.
Well this one time I found this Swan, it was BEAUTIFUL! I loved it dearly, because it could totally relate to my experience as the Ugly Duckling, and then some. I thought our bond would last FOREVER stupid I know, but I really did. But alas that Swan couldn't let go of what those Ducks did to it. The Swan couldn't accept my affects of living as they did, and they faulted me for any attempts I made to give them what they never had. The Swan only focused on what I wasn't doing, never gave me credit for what I did until the threat of losing it all, was before them. Toxic! I try to move on and move past it, but moments like this one have me sitting here feeling like I'm being QUACKED at for not being enough. I guess I have more tears to shed. Good Grief! When will this be over?

Swollen Face

Yesterday I over slept and when I threw myself in front of the mirror I saw that my entire face was swollen. I tried to pull it together, tried to put some color on my face to wake it up. But my swollen face really just matched my soggy on the inside spirit. All morning I found it difficult to raise my head and look people in the face let alone in the eye. One person said I looked tired and I just agreed with them. I am tired.... What happened? Saturday I did a BAD thing. I watched a movie, I mean I knew the movie would be kind of sad, but I guess I didn't think it through.
Have you seen "My Sister's Keeper"

It was On Demand on my cable box, so I said what the hey, let me sit down and watch this movie. BAD IDEA! Kate has Leukemia.... and the room starts spinning for me right there. My beautiful flower died from complications of Acute Myloid Leukemia. I know the stories are totally different, but you cant say Leukemia to me with me freezing like a deer in headlights. I watched the entire movie, crying the whole time. And when the movie was finally over, I went into a deep and heavy heart mourning sob. My body couldn't produce tears large enough to express my pain. I sat there for a minute thinking should I call Jasmine's husband. I thought about explaining to him my aversion to his upcoming nuptials, etc. I even prayed on it, and then I remembered. I didn't and don't matter to him. His life is not hurting because I have feeling about him moving on before I'm ready for him to. So why should I call him? He was probably having a good day and my calling would've only been a major bummer or worse. Not wanting to argue I let it go. I went downstairs and made dinner for my family. I had a couple of drinks but I didn't drown my miseries in my drink... SURPRISINGLY!  Although I was no longer outwardly crying, I spent the rest of the weekend crying inwardly. My baby did their best and a good job of making the rest of yesterday light hearted and nice. I did cheer up some. BUT if you would've looked at me, especially in my eyes you would've said what's wrong. Only thing is when I say what's wrong no one ever knows what to say. I get that, nine times out of ten they change the subject... It feels so lonely over here.... Swollen face and all.

Music!!!!!

It started with a Lovely Jill Scott melody, jamming and grooving. The next thing I know.... John Legend comes on. The melody is familiar, but its not until he belts out his melancholy tune that it hits me. This was my ambiguous song dedicated to my child's father. (TEARS!) My mind wouldn't let me focus on the song like I wanted to, but I replayed the song more than four times and each time I would get distracted. (AGONY!) Now I'm sitting here wondering if he even remember that song or that I told him that song made me think of he and I. I remember it clearly. We were in my car, his car was in the shop (now I don't remember why or which one it was) but we were driving around the city at night when this song came on and I told him that this song made me think of us. He defensively listened closely, but never commented. Did he even hear me? Did he take it in? When he hears it again will it make him think of me as it has me him? NOT that I want him thinking about me... and not that I want to be thinking about him.

I constantly fight with myself about him and his memory. I love to downplay the significance of the roll he's played in my life. Regardless of everything, once upon a time we were really good friends. Once upon a time we were like best friends almost. Or at least that's what he was for me. I gotta keep reminding myself about the whole illusion. My interpretation of the past and his most times don't match, and more than likely never will. Oh well, I can say that I am thankful for the experience even if it was only real on my side. I can say at least that I know what I felt, and at times it was GOOD! And then there's the end.... ENDINGS ALWAYS HURT! ALWAYS!

Isn't it funny how music can do this to you? Whole day turned upside down now. Wow!

Sunday Dinner

OK so for the past two Sundays I've made dinner for my family. The Sunday before last we had a lovely meal together:

Smothered Cube Steak
Garlic Loaded Mashed Potatoes
Salad
Kale
WINE!

It was a LOVELY meal and my parents enjoyed it greatly! In an attempt to incorporate more healthy meals into my family's meal plan. I have been introducing everyone to Quinoa. Quite Frankly I LOVE IT! Unfortunately for her my sister doesn't like it, and if her children feel the same way they haven't spoken on it in my ear shot. But I think I will force it on everyone in place of rice. (evil smile) So this past Sunday we had:

Turkey Breast, Mushroom, and Quinoa mixture
Green beans
Asparagus
Salad
WINE!

But this time I added dessert to the menu since we did so well on dinner and we had:
Sweet Potato Pie (Sara Lee)
Brownies (Trader Joe's with Chocolate chips)
Homestyle Vanilla Ice Cream

My thing was no one could have both either pie or brownie, and ice cream. Not bad right.....

Well I'm already thinking ahead. And even though the reception I got this weekend had me more than a little irritated I think I will ignore my first inclination not to cook this Sunday and take on making Chicken Enchiladas Suiza! YES! YUM! I LOVE green chicken enchiladas. Spicy and TASTY! YES! My mouth waters a little bit at the thought of it. Now this is all pending my energy level on Sunday, but this is what I see my taste buds enjoying:

Chicken Enchiladas Suiza
Beef Enchiladas
Spanish Rice
Refried Beans or Black (haven't decided)
Salad
WINE! or maybe Margaritas (anything with Tequila!) LOL!
We'll see......

Winter Projects

Drum Roll!!!! I have three winter projects to complete.... count them off:

1. Paint and Organize my kitchen

2. Make a Carrot Cake

3. Make a Lemon Meringue Pie

you know what.... let me add one more dessert to the list so lets make it four......

4. Make a Sweet Potato Pie (My baby's favorite and really only pie that they like)

Kitchen
I have been looking on line for my borders and wall decals.

Things I will need
a. Paint
b. Zebra Print borders
c. Wall decal (currently looking to see if I can find a way to get that wine glass in there to make it all complete
d. Book Ends for my cookbooks
e. Binder with clear sleeves for the recipe print outs (OR!!!!!! Idea just hit me! Maybe I can organize them and take them to staples and have them bound like a book. YES!)

Carrot Cake
I will have to SEARCH the Food Network for a reasonably achievable carrot cake recipe.

Lemon Meringue
I don't know if Food Network will have what I need to make this pie great. I will be up against my father's palette and its my understanding that my grandmother's pie was phenomenal. So I need the not your average Joe's recipe to really knock this pie out the box. The search begins.

Sweet Potato
Ha! Thanx to blogger.com I think I have that DYNAMITE recipe for this pie. Just need to give it a try. My baby has a specific idea of how this pie should taste. So if my baby says it's good, that I know I've NAILED IT! (smiles)

So with all of this in mind is it even worth it to try and be on my program this winter? Hmmmm right after asking the question I thought about all the possible weight gain if I just do nothing at all. YIKES! Gotta get active! I see food in my future, and a kitchen that makes me wanna cook in it. LOL!

Jill Scott - Wake Up Baby

I can relate on SO MANY LEVELS! LOVELY SONG!

What to wear

OK so I'm chickening out! LOL! I really like this one dress BUT its one shoulder, long dress. Its really pretty, BUT I've never worn one shoulder and I don't know how it would look on me. I don't have a lot of time to think about it so either I'm gonna order it, or I'm not. What to do what to do? I don't know what to do.... I feel stuck! If I'm gonna order it I need to do it NOW! But I have no idea what that's gonna look like on me because I've never worn or tried on a one shoulder dress. And I would hate to buy it and then it looks all DUMPY on me. What to do? What to do?

UGH! Wouldn't you know when I FINALLY decide OK bite the bullet I'm gonna order it. Its not available!!!! UGH! ANNOYING! Back to the drawing board. Rolling my eyes!

1 year

Oh SNAP! I just realized that I've had this blog for over a year now. Sorry I missed the blogger-versary. Or however you say that... LOL! Yay me! I've been venting electronically for sometime now... hope I haven't bored you too much.

Conehead Love!

"If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar phase or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great. ~ Beldar Conehead"
I want a love like that! YES! This is an HILARIOUS way to say it, but thats what I want. I dont want to be replaceable. And even if you eventually replace me. Dont replace me right away. Wait the standard three years without looking and/or expressing an interest elsewhere. Focus on me and the good times we had together, respect our union and heal. YES! Ok that's what it is. I dont like how disposable it seems to feel like when a wife dies and her husband remarries right away. I dont care if he's young or old, respect your wife. I only really know of one man who waited that long, and I dont know if he waited that long willingly. But for my heart's sake I'm gonna imagine and pretend that he would have no one in his life for three years. And then one day he met someone who was worth getting to know deeply enough to even think about marrying her. Both of the men who have hurt me in this way would expect (if the shoe were on the other foot) their wives to remain single the rest of their lives. Even as I sit here finger clinking on the keyboard my chest is heavy as I understand that this is really the fit I'm throwing. NO RESPECT for both of the BEAUTIFUL women I knew and loved. I know others dont see things this way. (Every time I open my mouth someone is trying to talk me down from what I'm feeling) But to know me is to understand that when I feel this deeply about something just let me have it. EVENTUALLY I will come around (MAYBE) and then we'll go from there.
In the end my Grandfather and I never got passed our issues. When he passed I didnt cry, it hurt but it didnt move me to tears. You know what did move me to tears. Walking into my grandmother's home the next day. It was surreal, everything was just about the same as it was eighteen years ago when I went there to take my grandmother to the hospital. I could clearly see it all in my mind. The paramedics lifting her onto the gurny and taking her out to the ambulance. Following, as we made that last trip to the hospital. I remember sleeping in the empty bed in her room with her listening for her rattle as she tried to sleep. My mother made me leave to go to work, or else I wouldve been there when she passed away. No sooner than I arrived at work that I had to go home because my father called and she passed away. Walking back into that hospital room my knees buckled as if she knew what happening in me Tasha was right there and she caught me. Heart bleeding, I cant tell you where we went after that if I went home or to a family member's house. I cant remember, but I remember volunteering to drive to go pick up my cousin who was stuck in Chico (2 1/2 hours away from San Francisco). I drove my parent's Dodge van, stopping along the way for those who were with me as they got car sick vomitting on the side of the road. We were all tore up, and that pain has been with me since. A month or two later my Grandfather says "You gonna disown your grand-dad if he remarries?" My sister burst into tears and I said no comment as I ran after her to make sure she was ok. That's when our fued began. I was disrespectful because I didnt say anything he wanted was ok with me. In a sense he died May 25, 1993 with my Grandmother. Seeing him in the coffin hurt but I cant explain it. Tears came to my eyes and leaped out but not for him or the loss of him. It was official then, I no longer have any Grandparents. I could keep going but... I cant keep crying. He did remarry and the woman that he actually did marry is a beautiful woman. I just wish she couldve had a better man. So many hurtful truths came screaming forth after my Grandmother's death. I couldnt take it.
Then Jasmine......... her death was so COLD BLOODED to me. Her life wasnt easy at all, she was born and raised under struggles. Her marriage was a real one full of challenges and victories. She spent her entire adult life loving her husband and grooming him to be the man that he is today. Now he's remarrying and its like Jasmine died all over again. I cant handle seeing him feeling the way that I do, so I have to do the petty thing and ask if he's gonna be wherever I plan on going with my own family. I hate it everytime I have to ask, but it would KILL me to see him. Just like it would hurt to see my Grandfather, but I learned to just get angry or annoyed with him and then I wouldnt end up crying myself to sleep that night. Everytime I see Jasmine's husband without her it stabs me all over until the last time when I got to explain my actions in hopes that he didnt take my beahvior around Jasmine's passing as anything other than hurting. But alas I feel like I'm alone grieving her memory. I dont know if Dorjaun is mad at me or if he even cares. But now I'm afraid to reach out to him. As her son I know he's hurting but I kind of feel like I would only be making things worse, for me and him to know find out how he's truly doing right now.

All of this to say, that watching Coneheads last night summed up what I have been struggling to put into words. If I spend my life and energy loving someone, can I have at least three years of uninterupted dedication to my memory? Dont quickly remarry as if I was disposable and meant nothing to you. (My opinion of course) People seem to mourn divorces longer than this. Ok that's it, I'm done. If you havent seen Coneheads you gotta go see it. I hope it makes you laugh as it does for me.

PS
When my baby was born it had a conehead, and he father said, "my baby's gonna inhale subway sandwiches like this (mimicking the daughter)" That was a nice memory. (Smile.... well kind of)

My Kitchen Still!

OK so, I took the towel out last night and I shared my idea with my mom. She thought it would be pretty but I sensed a small hesitation on her part as well. OH WELL! When I put the towel against the wall and looked at the space that I'd actually have to cover... I got excited. Now my only draw back is that all my appliances are cream... But I don't care, is that tacky? I need to measure the wall just above the cabinets to make sure the border that I order from amazon.com isn't too wide. Right now that's the only hiccup I see. Yay me! Oh and my towel says "It's Wine O'clock" and I want a white stencil for the wall that says the same thing. It would be bomb (but I wont force it) if I could have the picture captured in the stencil as well. Its a wine glass and the liquid inside is zebra patterned.
(without the pink stem)

Freaking Awesome! I'd only need a gallon of paint, and this could TOTALLY be a ME project. I would take my time and execute it exactly as I envision it. LOL! Oh what FUN! I like to paint because I like to watch the wall change color and become the back drop to something totally different. I know a lot of people don't notice the walls. But I ALWAYS do, I love colors, I cant stand white walls. SO BORING! Even if its only a sand color please don't neglect giving your walls some life and color.

My Kitchen

A few months ago I went to Napa with some friends (my 1st time going) and we went to a few wineries. I was very HAPPY! And during my happy rant I found a kitchen towel that was ABSOLUTELY beautiful to me. Its a dark plum/purple color, and it has a cocktail glass on it and the boarder is black and white zebra print. In my HAPPY excitement I told my friend that I wanted to paint my kitchen that color and I would use that towel for inspiration. Well imagine my surprise when I found that she bought the towel for me. Whenever I have a moment to think of the improvements I can make to my house, and I think of my kitchen. Right now its a lousy cream color (I HATE WHITE WALLS and almost white). I want to take the towel to Home Depot and have them create paint for me in the same color. I figure I could use Black, White, and Chrome Items in my kitchen. Now when I told my father my idea he said "that's going to make the kitchen dark" and he did not approve. Is it bad that his comment makes me want to do it more? LOL! No disrespect dad but the cream in the kitchen is not doing it for me. And its not like I would be covering a lot of space with the color anyways. The rest of the house needs to painted as well. But I am on the fence about my color choice. I know that Lighter colored walls bring space and light and air to the house. Unfortunately I have too much traffic thru my house and the transients don't know how to keep their hands and other appendages off the walls. Now I plan to continue to fuss about it, but I would prefer not to see hand prints on my walls first thing as I walk into a room. Any who I digress. I have a question. Can I find this:

as a wall paper boarder anywhere? I would like this to go across the top the wall in the kitchen. AND!!!!! A wall decal of some sort for the kitchen. Even if it was only a Martini glass. I would love it. Question is, where do I find it. My parent's 42nd wedding anniversary is coming up in December, I will have folks over as usual. I wonder if I could get at least the kitchen done before then? I guess I should look for the boarder. I find that its on!

Lazy Weekend

Saturday morning I over slept. So I got up with the taste, no, yearning for French Toast. Problem was that I had NOTHING in my cupboards to make this yearning go away. So off to the newly built grocery store I went. On the Food Network there's this new show called "The Sandwich King" and the host made a Chicken Mole Torta! Oh my goodness it looked SO GOOD! I really wanted some kind of a Mexican dish. I did not dare to try the torta recipe (yet!), so I wanted tacos but my baby voted for nachos. So we ran around the store gathering items to make my craving go away. But I did want to try to at least make the Tomatillo Salsa. I was SHOCKED when I realized that I had spent two hours in that store. Its something how when you don't know where anything is, it just takes longer. One day I plan to go and just walk up and down each aisle of that store. Its so nice and spacious in the new store. The old store was small and cramped in comparison. But wouldn't you know that when I got home I realized that I had forgotten one of the key ingredients to make my French Toast.... MILK! DAG NABIT! However, I had some pretty nice things to get me through the agony of a craving not met.
First thing was first, I had to put my Coconut Creme Relaxer on and get my hair on the path to DEEP conditioning. Since I knew I wasn't going anywhere else it was the perfect day to give my hair what it needed. After the application of my relaxer, and conditioner cap. I sat down with my cousin's recipe for apple dip, apples, and Jane Austen's Mansfield park to kick off my LAZY day!


My brother and sister-in-law stopped by and we held them captive the rest of the day watching movies, eating nachos, brownies and ice cream for dessert. Outside of my little adventure to the store it was so nice to spend the ENTIRE day inside. Not running around spending and wasting money. Just relaxing. I'll use another weekend to actually do my household chores, but for now... I loved my weekend.

Happy!!!!

I just had to share. So I'm sitting over here, blaming myself for all that's wrong with the world, and Betty #1 sends me this picture, and it INSTANTLY made me HAPPY!

Could it be my favorite color in a FABULOUS shoe?!?!?!? LOOOOOOOK at that heel! Oh my goodness I need these shoes just to walk around the house and make myself happy.  Too bad I cant afford them, these shoes are not under the Payless Pricing Guidelines.... so I will just look and admire. I'll try to think of an outfit to build around these shoes.
You know what I'm not good with, color splashes. You know how someone will wear a couple of monotone colors together and then BAM! A color like my WONDERFUL blue makes them pop. Well done and its wonderful, but I think I would get carried and then well here comes RAINBOW BRIGHT! But couldn't I pair these shoes with like a simple grey dress? Or would tan/beige be a better fit? I don't know... Would it be over kill is I had a jacket that matched these shoes and then the grey or tan sheath dress under neath? Could I then still wear a silver purse? Too much? SEE! Do you see why I would need help to first understand how it should flow and then maybe I could figure out how to put it together.

So Sad

I feel like a failure right now. I don't have anything to smile about and my child... well they're acting like a person I don't know. What happened to my well behaved over achieving baby? I don't know who this adolescent hormonal person is before me. Breaking my heart it is, normally my child isn't any further than a conversation away from getting back on track. Well here comes the drama right, here comes the sadness and pain. I just don't have it in me to fight right now. ESPECIALLY my child! Crying so many tears right now.

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

Chicken Mole Torta on the Food Network

I need to have this in my mouth! I will be making this soon. I will let you know how it comes out. EXCITED!

Struggling with myself

So and impromptu meeting/argument with my child's father has been plaguing my brain all weekend. Sometimes I hate that when he and I argue I actually listen as well as vent. If only I could master the art of telling him off and not hearing a word he says. Well I wasn't raised that way, and that's the not the person I want to be, but with him sometimes it just seems like that's the way it should be. As the parents there's supposed to be unified front right? If we discuss something about our child and agree on a go forward strategy, I don't know why that breaks down into something that we have to argue about, and it always happens the same... it always goes into who-shot-john yesterday things that neither one of us can change now. Well.... he went backwards and I stopped talking and then I heard him say it.... "I've never felt like I was needed" WHY OH WHY did that hit me in the chest???? I mean I think I had a snap reply to that, but I don't think that I did now that I'm thinking about it. :o(  But I did everything in my power not to focus on his words Saturday I had too much to do. But Sunday during service there it was in my brain. So after a very heart felt conversation with my baby, we had lunch with their father. At first we discussed the issue at hand. But then we moved on to building up to my point. So at the end of our lunch, I apologized (in a way) for not really showing or even really saying how much I appreciate, value, and need his help in raising our child. I mean everyone needs confirmation from time to time. Not that he just comes out and say Thank you Liz for all that you do and have done for our child even when I was acting up. Naw, he's alluded to it before. But never a thank you for having my child, and putting up with me, etc.... But I think I would PASS OUT if he ever said something like that. Nope everything is always my fault. I cant ever really be right for anything because its me. Rather than dwell on all the things he does or doesn't do, I decided to give him this one. It was the least I could do. But my hopes are that once he understands that his child's needs him, and that I need him for the sake of our child their relationship will improve. AND I REALLY HOPE that this doesn't turn into something misunderstood about my interest in him. Once upon a time I thought I would die without him in my life. Not an over statement, I really did. I couldn't see past how much I loved him and wanted him in my life. Well as we now know I got over that, and regardless of what he says I know that the person that I was so in love with, the person I couldnt live without NEVER really existed. I saw what I wanted to see, I heard what I wanted to hear. Now that I can see clearly... that guy got lost at sea never to be recovered. What funny is like yesterday I'll see traces of that guy in the man that fathered my child, but all I have to do is WAIT FOR IT! And the real him comes blasting through! Making me put my fighting armor on and get ready for battle.  :o( Oh well for now this is my life. Moving on right... RIGHT!

Pretty Personal

OK so I was getting pretty personal on here for a minute. GOTTA STOP doing that! One day someone may discover my little venting blog, and EMBARRASSED I would be.... Gotta go through this thing and rewrite everything that could be a threat... well not everything but A LOT OF IT! LOL! That's it for now.

What 2 wear?????

As if this outfit was made for me, why cant I have money when I need it:

Oh well they didn't have the jacket in my size any ways... DAG NABIT!

I have a wedding to go to next month and I wanna wear something REALLY nice. I want to dress up for the occasion and look really nice. One pit fall is that I've gained almost all of my 20lbs+ that I lost back. So the things in my closet don't even fit right. (SAD FACE!) But I have a month, and that is enough time to make something look nice. If only my white dress were black I would wear that again. Its not right to wear white to a wedding. I had to remind myself of this as I was going to wear it originally until it hit. NO! I have a dress in my closet that I haven't worn yet. It was going to be the dress I wore to a wedding that was supposed to happen in April. But it was called off, and thank goodness cause I don't think I would've been able to wear then any ways. But knowing there's no way to lose my 20+ in a month I don't think I'll be able to wear that dress. So.... I'm looking for inspiration.... what to wear? What to wear? I don't know, but I'm looking.

Wedding choices:

I'll keep looking. I really like the first dress, but.... See how low it is in the front... That wouldn't work with the girls...Sometimes I wonder why women feel the need for implants. They get in the way and in my opinion ruin what could be a nice look sometimes. I know they're not all bad... but a lot of the times...

Unreasonable Thoughts

Have you ever had unreasonable thoughts? I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but for whatever imperfect reason I cant help it. Sometimes I feel like my child's father pats himself on the back for being the last person that I've truly cared for. I want someone in that space so bad, sometimes I try to force square pegs into round holes.... I just don't want him to be the last, you know what I mean? I know its stupid and childish to think this way, but I cant help it. I don't want him patting himself on the back about anything when it comes to me. But since he knows how I am, he knows he was the last person to be in that place and I guess he equates that to still having feelings for him other than nausea and intolerance. Days like today I wish there was someone else, but the truth is.... I'm nothing like him, so of course that spot is still open. Oh well, here I go....

Can U say CUTE!

Jackets

Dresses


I'm normally not a fan of the one shoulder look but I like this one and its not because of the guy in the picture:

No love lost!

OK so, you know how I whining about something that I just shouldn't be concerning myself with? Well the other day it washed over me like and epiphany! I cannot force a square peg into a round hole. I was praying and my heart was open, and it was as if I could literally hear my Father's voice saying, "young one I told you he isn't the man for you when you asked me a year ago. Why are we still discussing him?" I know, I know, but sometimes my heart gets desperate. But I wasn't desperate before him, why would that change now? I'm letting it go. Too many signs that have shown their selves to me, all I need to do is pay attention. I'm literally putting him in the Friend box (who can have too many friends) and leaving it at that. If he starts flirting again I will remind myself that he knows no better and to ignore it. He is not the one for me.

Now that I've gotten that distraction out of the way. Its time to refocus my energy back on myself. Tired of talking about what I'm gonna do, its time to make things happen. So lets just say that my theme music is playing in the back of my mind again and its time to live it. "So I like what I see when I'm looking at me and walking past the mirror!" Gotta get to that place.

I am appreciating my reflection more and more these days. When I wake up in the morning I am thankful I don't need tons and tons of makeup to look like myself. I know that I have a pretty good foundation and its just time to build on that. I don't even know what my style is anymore. I don't think I've had a style since I was a teenager. Its time to change that. I need to start looking for what I feel defines me. Ooh! I do know that I love short jackets and high waisted skirts and pants. Think Prince in the early 90's (which was kind of like a 50's style revisited). I can do without the ruffle blouses, but I loved the pants. Double breasted and high waisted. As I think about it, I love Overalls and Jumpers! So comfortable and Classic if done right. I love corsets, and fishnets! Denim is one of my FAVs and I love sleek looks. Hmmmmm, I don't know how that translates into a style for me. But at least I'm coming up with likes in my mind. If you don't know about Made U Look on here... you need to check it out. I LOVE her style and how she puts things together. I think I will study at her feet for a few years and until I master the creation of an ensemble on a budget on my own. I love the fact that she proudly will tell you she thrifted something and made it FANTASTIC! That's what I need in my life. FABULOUSNESS on a budget. Cant worry the nonexistent men in this town. Once I have myself together, I know my Father will provide "The One" for me. I know it.

I think about the All White party I went to a few months back. I put that whole outfit together. I was so proud of myself when it all came together. I felt BEAUTIFUL that nite and proud of what I put together. Altho my sister and little cousin picked out the hair, I told them what I wanted and then they told me which way to go.

I was very pleased with myself this evening, I wasnt the FAT girl, I was just me. AND!!!!!!! I'm wearing WHITE!!!!! Hello! White is not a flattering color at all, but the look came together nicely, and I have no complaints.
I wanna feel like that every day, even on my "bummy" days I wanna feel comfortable as myself. Well here's to working on me. SMILES! I believe I'm worth the effort.

For Real?????

So last night and this morning I found myself doing something I rarely ever do. I was thinking about The Monkey. And it wasn't in a "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" Well I take that back, I don't have any love for him so it wasn't in like I was happy to think about him. But I guess what it was, was this... I'm trying to grow up and part of that means being honest with yourself about something. First time I was honest was when I said out loud, that my anger normally stems from my pain. And I guess when I was explaining to my sister yesterday that I'm not really MAD about my friend's husband for remarrying (marriage to happen shortly), its just "I'm" not ready for him to move on. His choice to do so hurts me so I react ANGRILY! But I'm not mad at him, I just cant handle it, so I still refuse to deal with it. But at least I can say I'm not MAD at him.

But then I thought about The Monkey... That relationship was so traumatic that how many years later it still hurts like it was a few minutes ago. Yes, I loved him, and to be honest I know he loved me, he just didn't know how. He was so selfish and young there's no way that was gonna work out. Not that his age is what I mean by young I mean the immaturity exercised in our relationship. So many things happened so rapidly in that relationship that sometimes I forget about certain things until they come up, and then I'm like OH YEA, I went through that too. I'm never glad that I went through that whole ordeal. I didn't get married to get divorced and that bothers me more than most things in that relationship, but I am happy that I can relate to people on a level that others try to hide or pretend doesn't exist in theirs.

He's the reason I don't divulge my past experiences easily. He would ask me about my past (now when I look back I can truly see how insecure and retarded the whole thing was) and then he'd react as if this were something that happened while we were together. Nope don't have to live that nightmare twice. But my child's father suffers from a milder version of the same issue. Although I was reluctant to discuss my past, the things I did tell him, I would hear about them later. So how does that affect me today, even tighter lipped than before. I just don't see any good resulting from Harboring on the past. The things you need to know I'll tell but don't look for me to be just open about it. NOPE! But there were good times, they were rare and far in between. But every once in a while I'll remember something that was good and go "oh yea" I must've hung in there for something.

So I was thinking about him in the sense that hmmmmmm it would be a lie to say I'm not angry about the things that happened or how things ended up. But I am more HURT than anything about the way things happened. Hurt that I actually expected him to love me like he promised. I'm hurt that he never tried to make things right, I feel robbed of so many things. Not that he cares, cared, or even understood all the things he robbed me of. Instead of giving me a bag he gave me a whole dump truck full of issues.

I'm sitting here to trying to hide as I type this. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to be beautiful, meticulous, and excellent. Someone like him, someone like them are the only ones who seem to notice. Or who seem to notice when I am free to do anything about it. I think I'm at capacity for bad relationships, I dont want another one like I've had. But I do want a relationship.... Doesnt make sense huh.

I cant get the next thought out. I keep typing and deleting. I guess I should just accept progress as progress and not for all the answers to present theirselves today. But I am beautiful, and I'm tired of trying to make myself as unappealing as possible. I actually enjoy being beautiful, if there was a way to do it without incurring any more monsters I think I would JUMP on it. I gotta lot to figure out. SIGH! I'm crying on the inside right now. So MANY tears!

Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

I love this dress! I wish I could have it in silver one day! I know you're not supposed to pick out the dress before you have the guy, but I have no choice! I LOVE this dress! Cant I just buy it and then find the guy?????
Kadence - by Maggie Sottero

Cant stop eating!!!!

I know I'm supposed to do an emotional check like every hour (because I'm so dramatic internally) but I don't want to. But what I have noticed is that I actually feel hungry these days. It may sound weird but I don't experience "hunger" too often. Most times I eat because I know I should, or something looks good. Not because I'm actually hungry. And even when I have a little hunger situations normally its satisfied by minimal intakes of food. Most times everyone else is hungry before I am. WHY oh WHY am I HUNGRY???? What am I hungry for???? Well I know what I'm hungry for, but eating ain't gonna get it for me. I gotta get back on track, everything is out of control right now. I have almost everything I need to redo my room. My bed in the bag, my bathroom towels, I just to get some more pillows, and the curtains can come eventually. But no, I don't wanna put my things together until my room is clean. Why wont I clean it????? If you could answer that for me I think I just might KISS YOU! I don't know what my brain is going through right now. I wish I could just shape up and fly right, but I'm all over the place. I feel wounded and I don't know exactly why. UGH! A day in the life of EMOTIONAL Lizzy for sure! Every day is unstable it seems. I got things I need to be cute for next month and the beginning of November. What I do today affects my tomorrow. UGH! One day at a time? For most, but for me its one moment at a time... I gotta live moment to moment these days. :o(

4get it!

I didnt last a week.... oh well. 2 sad 2b away.... oh well.

Crazy, Stupid, Love!

I loved this movie! Emma Stone.... love her! Ryan Gosling....love him! Steve Carrell..... LOVE HIM! I loved the story line, I love the story twist.... (SIGH!!!) Love! Is there any greater emotion?

Infected!

Has anyone ever infected your brain? They become the bacteria that is causing your brain to malfunction. You cant you love them because you don't, and its a stretch to say you like them, because is there any real reason to? But yet, you think about them... You think about them a lot. You don't know why you do, but you do. Sometimes when you talk to them they get on your nerves, and its not like they've shown you all the admirable qualities that you normally fall for, but yet they're on your brain. WHAT IS THAT???? Infection right? How else would you explain it? Even when you try to get mad at them... it just doesn't work. You don't even know them, WHY? There has to be a antibiotic somewhere. Something to turn them off. I mean at best they get on your nerves more often than not, cause they always find a way to say the wrong thing.

I guess I should explain. Normally my crush starts with something the person says. Every once in awhile its just appearance, but that is forgivable. But normally he will say something that speaks to me. Resonates within me. Or maybe its not something they said but something that they're about. Something, not just a all the sudden there they are. And is it acceptable to like someone just because they liked you? That seems WEAK to me. Just not an acceptable answer. But alas, they never admitted to liking you. SAD FACE! It doesn't matter that their actions appeared that way, when they opened their mouth or expressed what was on their mind.... NOPE! Feelings hurt! Yes! A conversation with my father said NO WAY JOSE! Being that I've already wasted my time on a pointless adventure I just really don't want to waste my time and energy again. So in all logic there appears to be no point right, but my mind betrays me. It doesn't stick to the plan. But, right, right! He doesn't like me, regardless of what he alludes to, when asked, he wont own it. So what's the point? A life full of misery I do not want. Pulling back I must. Just because someone's smart enough to notice me, doesn't mean that I have to slow down to notice them back. Aw! This makes me sad... so sad! No seriously, really sad here....

Here's another song to express my mood.... not completely but you get my point:

Sometimes I wonder by the look in your eyes
When I'm standing besides you
There's a fever burning deep inside
Is there anything in your memory?
Do you think of that someone
When you hear that special melody?

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

(Chorus)
There'll be sad songs to make you cry
Love songs often do
They can touch the heart of someone new
Saying I love you

I often wonder how it could be
You loving me
Two hearts in perfect harmony
I count the hours until that day
A rhapsody play
A melody for you and me

Until the moment when you give your love to me
You're the one I care for
The one that I will wait for

chorus (2x)

You're my desire
You take me higher
My love is like a river running so deep

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

chorus (2x)

saying I love you
I love you

~ Billy Ocean

FB Withdrawals!!!!

OK so I know this is a crime and a shame, but I am seriously going through FB withdrawals. I finally sat down and watched The Social Network. I think I followed the emotion that they were trying to convey with the movie. Yea, I felt sorry for the guy. He liked maybe loved a girl and when she said she preferred a certain type of guy over him, he just wanted to impress her. Show her that he was better. Even when they stated that the girl was deposed the things she said hurt his feelings. It was almost like the movie was his apology to her. At least that's the way I saw it. I mean they end the movie with him looking at her profile picture, she was the one that got away. AW! Maybe my lack of love is what is causing me to see the story in this light. But I liked the movie, and I keep thinking about it. The only thing is that they talk so FAST and in a monotone half the time. This is definitely a movie I'll have to watch more than once just understand everything that's happening. Kind of like the remake of Pride and Prejudice, I had to watch it with subtitles and everything to understand the words that were coming out their mouths so FAST, but I LOVE THE MOVIE!

So here I sit not knowing what my friends and Family are saying. Not seeing the pictures they're posting. Feeling so disconnected from everyone. SAD FACE! BUT!!!!!! I was venting too much on there. I was taking obvious shots at people, and being misunderstood too often. UGH! I talk TOO much, never really been good at being quiet. Imagine that. If I don't know you, you'd think I was the quietest person EVER. And if you didn't know me you'd think I was shy and non-silly. But I am one of the silliest goofiest people I know. I LOVE to laugh, and quote movies and songs. Even when I didn't have words, I could post the music, the soundtracks of my life. SAD FACE! Now I feel voiceless! OK so I stopped playing the games and that was major, a major time waster. and so what it started because I couldn't get on my computer properly to play the games. Either way the effects of not playing the games didn't hit me like this.

Could it be that FB has become another Ice Cream addiction to me? Which one would I choose? If I had to choose between Ice Cream and FB which would I choose? WHOA! Until I just asked that question I didn't think it would be a hard answer. WHY does this make me feel like I wanna break down and CRY???? I think I'm emotional today anyways. I've been emotional all week.

This song suits my mood right now:

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and Forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me salivate
Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and Forever
Our love is like a floc of doves
Flying off to heaven above
Always and Forever
Always and Forever (Kip crying)

Yep, I think that's it right there. I couldnt have said it better myself.

She Killed FB! U *$#&$ LOL!

OK so I hit the deactivate button on my FB for a moment. If one more emotional outburst came from that site, I don't know what I would do with myself. This last one was because someone FINALLY realized how emotionally attached they were to a situation and went berserk. Oh my goodness. I am all for making impulsive decisions, I think I do this quite often. But when you make them just deal with the consequences. WHY? Because you made the choice now stand by it, even if you didn't weigh all the options. Well this person doesn't do that all the time, and I strongly feel in this situation they didn't do this either. So my comment although it came to mind because of their situation wasn't really about them. But they took it personal and felt the need to tell me how it hurt them.... OK so I apologized as I wasn't intending to be mean or evil or anything like that. I was just simply asking my FB fam a question like I normally do once a week or so. But OK. The hand is writing on the wall, and I don't need Daniel to interpret this one for me. I gotta slow it down. It felt weird deactivating my account though. I've been addicted to FB for over a year now. I think its been two.... my text messages aren't even hoping like they normally do. I don't know what people are saying. What funny or memorable pictures they're posting. What music everyone's listening to. Whoa! This may be harder than I think. But I'm gonna give it a try, take it moment by moment. Breath by breath. I've been putting everything on FB, I gotta slow my roll. Pull back if u will. DEEP BREATH I CAN DO THIS! YES I CAN! YES I CAN! Watch out now.

Upsetting & Disgusting

So last night was my baby's recital. First of all like my child said neither auditoriums that we were in were big enough to house the amount of guest. All kinds of Fire Marshall laws, I'm sure, were violated by the amount of people that were stuffed into each room. So annoying as it was to be crowded into a room full of people you didn't know, it went on and on. It started at 7pm and didn't end until a quarter to midnight. And as if that was annoying enough with its self THEN my child's father is there with his girl friend who was looking her matronly age (old enough to be his mother literally). So he had to know they were the butt of all of our inside jokes. Annoyed I was WHY WAS SHE THERE??? And then I was looking a HOT MESS! Annoying! Then because everyone was moving slow and my child's last minute request made me arrive on time, but not early enough to be completely away from them. UGH! One of my girls was there with her child to support my baby. I pointed them out to her and she was floored. Then I told her, "Oh but wait. He has a chick who works here wait til you see her." So the evening started in room on the 1st floor and then it moved to the 2nd floor auditorium. So when I finally go up to the 2nd floor of course all the seats were taken. I had to make a seat in the stairway next to my father who was sitting behind my child's father. UGH! So basically I was sitting next to him. Then the chick that works there... who was dressed very cute.... Interesting when she NEVER dresses up for these functions and was the only staff member who was dressed up.... Goes center stage her eyes kept coming back to my child's father. DISGUSTING! My girl noticed even. After the show when all I want is my child so I can go home did his girlfriend stop me to shake my hand. Already irritated by everything else I was not in the mood for that moment. But OK whatever, I just wasn't in the mood for CATTY FEMALES! As we're walking to find my child did the working chick stop my child's father to say "I'll see you tomorrow" and then walk away.... she wouldn't even look at me. But I was thinking "DUDE! His girlfriend is right there." I shook my head at my girl because that CHICK deserves more than I can allow my Christian Conscious  give her right now. I wonder what his girlfriend thought about that interaction. But regardless it PISSED me off. Completely and totally disrespectful! My child isn't participating in their events to have to come there and deal with that ridiculousness. I went home cranky and irritated.... Still irritated, his girl friend shouldn't have been there for one. And then for two you need to check your chick on the side, she's ridiculous! I know there are ignorant people who get off on situations like that. But I'm thinking if he's willing to do that with you female what do you think he's going to do when its your turn female! I HATED the whole scene. HATED IT! And then its like how in the world did I ever love this person? He's a whore, and there's nothing respectable about that. He called me and got on my nerves. I don't know if he hung up or my phone disconnected, but his calling me for dumb stuff was just a sign of his guilty conscious. All bets are off, I will not worry about having guys in his face, or whatever. He can walk right in on it for all I'm concerned.

A closed mouth

But here's what's been plaguing me. You know how there's a difference between talking to someone who knows you and just talking to newly found friends or established relationships. Well talking to a old friend last Friday made something stand out in my brain that tons of others have said but they got the enraged answer. He told me to talk to the guy I'm FURIOUS with! Now others have said the same thing, maybe in reference to this guy I'm not sure but it hit me hard last night while I was sitting during service. All the sudden Eric's voice moved me to action, and although I called the unfortunate he didn't answer. Nor did I leave a message... but here's what kind of clicked inside of me. I have not been one to hold back my words when it came to them (all my guy friends from the past). Now I'm sitting in silence brewing in my anger. That's not like me at all. I know that the last three years for me have been filled with turbulence and angst to say the least. I can see how I somewhat lost the grip of who I am. So I may try again shortly, I may but I wont be calling him for answers. I'll be purging and then I'll be done with it. He can be an idiot all he wants to be over there. But as for me over here, I got some THANGS I need to get off my chest. (SMILES!)

Um?????

You know what.... I cant call it. I don't know what to think about you anymore. Do you like me? Or don't you? I don't know. Everyone around me seems to say yes, but I'm not so sure. Why? Because you aren't doing anything that you didn't do before and when I confirmed my interest in you, you informed me that you were dating. So with that I proceed with caution. I think I might like you, you know I really cant say whether I do or I don't. I like the attention and I know this is a messed up thing to say but I'm just telling the truth. I don't like how you handled things before. I do not like how that made me look at you. But guarded with you I am, so I haven't taken the time to take inventory in regards to you. Why? Maybe for fear that my feelings haven't changed and that maybe I do like you. Oh how scary but exciting that would be for me. Or maybe I don't like you, and that would just... I don't know what it would be. Part of me just wishes you would step one way or another, at least then I would know which way to go. But that doesn't appear to always be your style, regardless of whatever you've already rejected me once WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I PUT MYSELF ON THE LINE FOR YOU AGAIN? My self esteem cant handle such blows. I don't want to sit and try to figure you out, I want you to step up and say what you feel. But I don't see you doing that, which is confusing to me, because I consider you to be a man. But honestly I don't know you well enough to know what makes you tick. You haven't been all that open with me... or I should say we haven't had the opportunity to interact all that much. So I don't know how to read you. I guess I'll just keep working on praying away my thoughts in your direction. I don't have time for another heartache.

Motivation

So yesterday my thoughts were all over the place. Missing my girl like crazy, and even feeling it in my toes that I couldn't just call up her and say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! And the fact that I couldn't call her hubby and grieve with him as he has moved on with his life. So needless to say self medicating on Saturday night led to total sickness on Sunday. I laid on the couch all day. At one point I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn't until yesterday as I drove into work that I realized what my malfunction was. I mean I kind of questioned the tears, but that isn't exactly a new thing with me these days.

Any who, my lovely and wonderful cousin just so happened to reach out to me right after I said a silent prayer for relief. She refocused all my angst and pain into something more positive. Originally last year amongst a ton of other reasons, my girl's passing was an eye opener as to how much I should value and appreciate my health and the body that I'm in. I took off like a rocket. Lost weight like you wouldn't believe and had a lovely support system at the time. Even when my support fell off I was still at it and doing well. But then I burned out, I couldn't maintain anger and proper management of my diet. Horrible, but the truth nonetheless. I'm still angry, but I'm looking up for relief from my inner furnace. So again I'm attempting to move forward and become the person that I know I am on the inside outwardly.

I will try my best to read Marianne's words daily as I feel like this poem/motivational statement applies so well to me.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

So here I go again. On my program officially today, and so far so good. This is a moment by moment process for me as sometimes I put things in my mouth without even thinking. But yesterday I went home and exercised some. It felt really good. Thanx Nae, you have been a great source of motivation to me.

Anxious!!!!

Do you  ever fear putting yourself on the line? Well as I get older my walls go up faster, due to past experiences. And lately you can get shut out pretty easily. Doesn't take much just step on a crack. LOL! So my mind keeps translating a conversation one way, but it appears that others who read about it translate it another. Don't worry sticking to my guns, I ain't playing stupid that easily EVER again. BUT there is a part of my brain that keeps wondering. Which is making me anxious and making me fight with myself. Last time I listened to people and the way they painted the picture, I found out it wasn't that way. Not willing to go through that again, half of me is curious to see if I'm missing something. But the other half KNOWS better. Not missing a thing and although it may seem like there's something there. I should know better by now that its really not there. Coming back to reality, forget the fairy tales.

U just ran across my mind

OK so, I was talking to a friend and my Ex came up. Talking to her tripped me out. I can clearly see and remember how much I LOVED him. I don't even know how to put it in words to explain and/or describe it. But if you've ever loved someone you know exactly what I'm talking about. How when you even just think about that person how your chest just fills up with so much love. I miss having that feeling in my life. I miss loving someone that much. I found an old journal and the journal reminded me of when I succumbed to that feeling for him. It brought tears to my eyes. To know what I know now and remember what I thought then. I was supposed to be doing something else and found myself totally winded. I had to sit down, and all week I cant help but think about it. I remember the instant that love swelled up in my chest and it stayed there for YEARS! So much so that I was letting everything around me fall apart as long as he was a part of my life I didn't care. Then here I sit today, accuse me of loving that boy and I might cut you. LOL! NO! He is not the man for me, he was close but he was not the one. It took me over a decade to realize that. Oh how I cry over the time wasted there. So now I look up and everyone else is paired off. No one for me to link up with and call my own. Oh well, stuck remembering a feeling that I'll probably never experience again. Hurts to even face that fact. But its true, I haven't got the skin or tolerance to deal with the rejects which are the only reason why they're available now. I know that isn't fair to say, because that could go both ways. But it is my reality right now, and the depth of my optimism today.

Survey Says.....(natrual relaxer)

OK so I did it. My hair came out HECK of soft. My hair was very moisturized which made it easier to get my Denman brush through. And I have been enjoying the curly affects of my ponytail ends with the brush. As far as a relaxed curl pattern. I didn't notice that as much as, but hey I'll take deep conditioning affects any day. Maybe I need to do it more than once before I notice an affect on my curl pattern. Oh and I left it on longer than 45 minutes. So hey, once I've gotten the art of doing this more than just the one time then I'll be able to say for sure.

Self Control

OK so, I try daily to recognize my limitations. On some levels I do pretty OK in that regard. But I'm having the hardest time mastering self control. My mind is racing around the things I would LOVE to indulge in but I have no proper outlet. For whatever reason the things I would love are beyond my reach. I would love to travel and see new things, I lack the funds, I would love to take a dance class, but I lack the funds. I could go on and on. Disappointed I am. My mind and heart battle each other constantly. When the bible said the flesh is weak... it AIN'T EVER LIED! It helps not to count the time, but frustration does get the better of me for sure. OK, lace up my boot straps and stop whining... um, um I'll try... MAJOR SAD FACE!