Conehead Love!

"If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar phase or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great. ~ Beldar Conehead"
I want a love like that! YES! This is an HILARIOUS way to say it, but thats what I want. I dont want to be replaceable. And even if you eventually replace me. Dont replace me right away. Wait the standard three years without looking and/or expressing an interest elsewhere. Focus on me and the good times we had together, respect our union and heal. YES! Ok that's what it is. I dont like how disposable it seems to feel like when a wife dies and her husband remarries right away. I dont care if he's young or old, respect your wife. I only really know of one man who waited that long, and I dont know if he waited that long willingly. But for my heart's sake I'm gonna imagine and pretend that he would have no one in his life for three years. And then one day he met someone who was worth getting to know deeply enough to even think about marrying her. Both of the men who have hurt me in this way would expect (if the shoe were on the other foot) their wives to remain single the rest of their lives. Even as I sit here finger clinking on the keyboard my chest is heavy as I understand that this is really the fit I'm throwing. NO RESPECT for both of the BEAUTIFUL women I knew and loved. I know others dont see things this way. (Every time I open my mouth someone is trying to talk me down from what I'm feeling) But to know me is to understand that when I feel this deeply about something just let me have it. EVENTUALLY I will come around (MAYBE) and then we'll go from there.
In the end my Grandfather and I never got passed our issues. When he passed I didnt cry, it hurt but it didnt move me to tears. You know what did move me to tears. Walking into my grandmother's home the next day. It was surreal, everything was just about the same as it was eighteen years ago when I went there to take my grandmother to the hospital. I could clearly see it all in my mind. The paramedics lifting her onto the gurny and taking her out to the ambulance. Following, as we made that last trip to the hospital. I remember sleeping in the empty bed in her room with her listening for her rattle as she tried to sleep. My mother made me leave to go to work, or else I wouldve been there when she passed away. No sooner than I arrived at work that I had to go home because my father called and she passed away. Walking back into that hospital room my knees buckled as if she knew what happening in me Tasha was right there and she caught me. Heart bleeding, I cant tell you where we went after that if I went home or to a family member's house. I cant remember, but I remember volunteering to drive to go pick up my cousin who was stuck in Chico (2 1/2 hours away from San Francisco). I drove my parent's Dodge van, stopping along the way for those who were with me as they got car sick vomitting on the side of the road. We were all tore up, and that pain has been with me since. A month or two later my Grandfather says "You gonna disown your grand-dad if he remarries?" My sister burst into tears and I said no comment as I ran after her to make sure she was ok. That's when our fued began. I was disrespectful because I didnt say anything he wanted was ok with me. In a sense he died May 25, 1993 with my Grandmother. Seeing him in the coffin hurt but I cant explain it. Tears came to my eyes and leaped out but not for him or the loss of him. It was official then, I no longer have any Grandparents. I could keep going but... I cant keep crying. He did remarry and the woman that he actually did marry is a beautiful woman. I just wish she couldve had a better man. So many hurtful truths came screaming forth after my Grandmother's death. I couldnt take it.
Then Jasmine......... her death was so COLD BLOODED to me. Her life wasnt easy at all, she was born and raised under struggles. Her marriage was a real one full of challenges and victories. She spent her entire adult life loving her husband and grooming him to be the man that he is today. Now he's remarrying and its like Jasmine died all over again. I cant handle seeing him feeling the way that I do, so I have to do the petty thing and ask if he's gonna be wherever I plan on going with my own family. I hate it everytime I have to ask, but it would KILL me to see him. Just like it would hurt to see my Grandfather, but I learned to just get angry or annoyed with him and then I wouldnt end up crying myself to sleep that night. Everytime I see Jasmine's husband without her it stabs me all over until the last time when I got to explain my actions in hopes that he didnt take my beahvior around Jasmine's passing as anything other than hurting. But alas I feel like I'm alone grieving her memory. I dont know if Dorjaun is mad at me or if he even cares. But now I'm afraid to reach out to him. As her son I know he's hurting but I kind of feel like I would only be making things worse, for me and him to know find out how he's truly doing right now.

All of this to say, that watching Coneheads last night summed up what I have been struggling to put into words. If I spend my life and energy loving someone, can I have at least three years of uninterupted dedication to my memory? Dont quickly remarry as if I was disposable and meant nothing to you. (My opinion of course) People seem to mourn divorces longer than this. Ok that's it, I'm done. If you havent seen Coneheads you gotta go see it. I hope it makes you laugh as it does for me.

PS
When my baby was born it had a conehead, and he father said, "my baby's gonna inhale subway sandwiches like this (mimicking the daughter)" That was a nice memory. (Smile.... well kind of)