Do I really?????

OK so, anyone who knows me knows that I will tell them in a heart beat that YES I want to be married. And that being single is a temporary thing for me right now. But then when I talk to my married friends I can feel myself back track. Do I really want to deal with the ridiculousness that is and can be a relationship? NOT REALLY! Call me bitter, call me angry.... But I just don't know if I can honestly handle someone making ridiculous decisions for my family and attempt to make them over me. I know I can be hard to deal with, especially if I don't agree with your decision. I'm not one for making things seem like they're blissful when they're not. I did that when I was REALLY young and I NEVER want to be that fake ever again. Yes, I want a companion and someone to rely on. I want to feel loved and appreciated. But honestly even in a marriage how often do you get that. I know that being married can be good and that's what I focus on when I say I want it. But the down sides to marriage really make me back pedal. I don't have a good track record with men. Normally if its someone I'm dealing with even if its temporary lately I ask "OK so what's wrong with you"... Then can I live with that? Thanks to Holy Spirit I tend to find out rather quickly... NO I CANT! But that still hurts me. I think about this one brother and I wonder sometimes if that could be the brother Holy Spirit keeps pointing me to and I say NO before even giving him real consideration. Well I'm not writing to say that I'm going to consider him either. :o) I'm just saying that "I" don't think he measures up to what I'm thinking that I want as my spiritual head. After my LONG laundry list of things that I want and need, a huge one but it is strangely at the end of my list is that I want to feel safe... physically safe. I've yet to be in a relationship or even entertain the idea of being in a relationship where I actually felt safe. That just has NEVER happened. I don't know why that is, but you know what I'm finding that that feeling is just as important as everything else. Unfortunately the guy who you may feel that security towards normally has anger issues, and I refuse to be a punching bag for any man... and that ends the feeling of safety anyways.  Oh well, all in all is it better for me to remain single??? I don't want to accept the fact that it just might be. I feel like its a waste of me as a person to remain alone.... but its also a waste of me to end up with most of these idiots who have no idea of a MAN really is.