Almost there

OK so the weather forecast has changed yet again. It went from possible showers to clear with highs in the 70's for the entire stretch of my trip. Yay! Not overly excited anymore as I have done the typical me things to rob me of my joy. :o( I just don't perform well under the pressure of the unknown. I will have a good time because I will be with AWESOME people, but hoping and wishing for anything amazing in my direction is OVER!
I have a little more packing to do. My cousin is coming to pick me up at 6:30am sharp, and he's a "on-time" type person. So that means I need to be ready by 6:15 at least. I have restricted myself to nothing stronger than wine for this trip. As it turns out this trip.... its an attempt to mask the pain that I feel right now. Oh well, only worry about the things you can change right? I wish that was easily done, at least in my case its not. I worry about everything until I don't care anymore. And since the events of this weekend bring me emotional pain its kind of hard not to care about what's hurting me.
So what if I'm the ONLY person in the world to understand how I feel or to even care. To know me is to know that all my venom stems from the pain I feel. And if you knew that you wouldn't try to reason with me, judge me, or change my mind. When I was talking to Neville he said although others maybe going through the same things or even worse your experience is unique to you. It warms my heart to at least have felt understood by the last person I would have thought would get it. From where I sit my situations are always unique to me because there are certain things that I fight for, some that I should fight for, and some that I ask why didn't you fight at all? I know I let Jasmine down, and I'll spend eternity trying to explain that to her. Although we talked about it, some fights in theory are not easily executed. Last night I was driving home and the car in front of my had the spare tire attached to the back of the car. The cover over the tire mentioned the dealership and city of location. Palo Alto, California. My heart became heavy as I thought of Jasmine and the life she had there.
PMS kicking my butt? YES! But the timeline in play here isn't helping either. Regardless of everything else, when I walk out the door Friday morning I'm leaving all of this on my bed. I'm going to have a ball and for the first time in a LONG time enjoy myself and not worry about being in service to anyone else. Call it selfish if you want to, but I've spent my life that way and its about time that I have some enjoyment for me. I'm gonna miss my child, and I will hurry home to be with them. But I'm gonna enjoy being away for the first time. Yay! No secret (which was never really a secret) boyfriend to rush home to. No loyalty to anyone but myself. Single as the description on my birth certificate. BUT not looking to squish any square pegs into a round hole. Just going to get away....If only I could afford a Spa day, cause I really believe that's what I'm needing right about now. I hope my silly EXCITED self kicks in. I really wish she would appear right now. She makes me LAUGH! I could use a good laugh right about now.