Thank you Zimo

And we're off! Thank you Zimo for suggesting this cool new way for me to complain, whine, and share my life with the world. We're going to start today on a better day. Last night I was VERY emotional. The journey to a better to me is definitely a bumpy one. As I sit here and think about it.... hmmmmm..... I think its been about seven years of me actually trying to honestly get it together. And although that may seem like a long time, seven years compared to my entire life.... hmmmmm not so much. Each day is an accomplishment if you ask me. I'm a work in progress and I'm working on a master piece! :o)

I gained over fifty pounds during my pregnancy... lost thirty right away and was on my way back to the old me when the WHOA's of life settled in on me. And my weight starting heading in the opposite direction. I gained that thirty and then some back. Currently I'm on a mission to see me in the mirror. How often do you truly look at yourself when you look in the mirror? I know I cant be the only person who doesn't really look anymore. Just the other day I happen to catch a glimpse of my face and I actually said to myself, "not bad". I'm not ugly although sometimes I tell myself that I am, and I actually have a pretty decent base... everyone isn't as fortunate so I guess I should be appreciative. But when the troubles of life start closing those four walls in on you, its just easier to say its my fault I wasn't pretty enough, or I'm not good enough than to really look and see what the issue is. Yea so I'm working on that.

I actually had a thought the other day... why don't I deserve to be me? Why don't I deserve to be healthy, tidy, dressed, and hair WHIPPED? Why does she deserve it and I don't? I didn't have an answer, but if I know me well enough a change is coming on.

I'm sure some day soon I'll share more about me and my back ground, but as for now. Just know I'm a single parent (although my child's father hates to hear it, he's a part of our child's life. But the fact is I'm single and I'm a parent that equals a single parent.) although I would love to be married I just haven't mastered turning off the dysfunction switch. You know the switch that allows you to attract a wonderful addition to your life and not another traumatic end. Unlike most I grew up with both of my parents in the home. A father that I adored and a mother who I later learned to treasure for everything that she is. I was born a daddy's girl! Oh my daddy was my EVERYTHING! As long as I had my dad why would I ever need anyone else? That's the way I felt growing up. Sadness for me was when I didn't feel heard by the only man who mattered. My mother was ALWAYS open to us being close, but at the time I preferred the closeness of my father. When I was 18 I married the WRONG one! I quickly fell in love with my mother. I then realized and appreciated everything she went through just stay with my father. Daddy was still my number one, but Momma was now my number one point five. Then one day my parents invited me over for a heart to heart talk. My world and perception changed drastically. My parents were having problems and my heart bleed for my mother. But being the strong woman she is, she decided to stick it out and fight for her marriage. Honestly I admire her strength but I cant do it. My relationship with my father hasn't been the same, but I know he loves me which has made me soften a lot. But sometimes I'm so angry with him for not loving me enough to be right, that it just depresses me. My parents are people too right? They have issues just like I do, and the more I remind myself of this the easier it is to be with them and appreciate them for who they are.

Lets see, I have three brothers and three sisters, I'm the oldest. The other momma, if you let them tell it. :o) I call them all my babies although my sister and I are not even two years apart in age. For the longest time it was just the three of us and then the last four came and back to back at that. The youngest is eighteen and so lost in my opinion, but there may be hope for him yet.... The oldest sister and I are the only ones with children so far. THANK GOODNESS! I keep urging them all to wait, but I remember thinking I knew it all too. Sometimes you gotta fall before you can stand.

Both of my parents come from LARGE families so I have a ton of uncles, aunties, and cousins... I love it! It tickles me to hear someone oh do you know such and such... and then I smile and say that's my family and then I watch then recount what they said hoping probably praying that they didn't say anything out of line. :o)

I have a small (but larger than some) network of friends. Some of them overlap with family but how could it not with such a large family. I have a best friend and soul sister number one, and then close friends, and then my friends. What's funny is how, when my dad was my everything I had more guy friends than females. But since then my friends have really only been female. Don't get me wrong I have some guy friends but they are considered brothers not friends, but I'm not close to any of them any more. I guess that's just the point I'm at in my life. Zimo suggested this blog for me... and as you can see I'm long winded and could go on and on. But I think it is a good place to stop for now. So its nice to meet you, hope I kept you entertained somewhat. :o)