Ok so here I sit. Trying my darndest to be up beat. Not the person I feel inside. I was actually aware of my hormonal inbalance last week. Lack of an outlet left me feeling sad and worthless. I'm still trying to bounce back from feeling this way... but its hard when I feel like all that is me is going to waste.
Nope he wasnt the one. But it fun to enterain the idea of him being the one. To finally have what I've wanted my entire life. Yea well honestly as usual I feel like things like that are meant for other people. As for I dont get to ever have that. Things ALWAYS have to be more difficult for me. I couldnt be just a normal little kid growing up in this crazy world. So selfish FREAK had to steal my innocence and set the scene for many more preditors to follow. People always say you have to value yourself first... well I've never really felt valued enough to do right by, by anyone. Those FREAKS couldnt, wouldnt, and didnt say hey this child is worth allowing to grow up unharmed. My father not to hurt our family, and my mother to say she was worth more just because I'm her daughter. I only feel badly for my mother.. With everything she's been through she's still who she is, and unfortunately she cant see how amazing she is.
It hurts me that she puts herself (and others) down even if only in her mind because of weight. She's worth more than that. I hate that until this very moment I didnt realize that I get that aspect of my personality from my mother. I know how I feel about me... I struggle with it daily. There's something inside me that says fight to be better! I fight to see myself differently! Knowing that Jehovah values me has been life changing! Still I find it difficult to see what he sees. I guess this is me for a while... SOGGY ON THE INSIDE! But putting on a smile for the world. Oh well! It could be worse right?
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