Do u Plan 2 Parent or abort?

When the Planned Parenthood lady came in the room she hadn't even sat down or made it to her chair yet when she asked, "So your test came out positive do u plan to parent or abort"? I couldn't believe she wanted me to answer right then and there. REALLY? For REAL? REALLY? Just like that I was supposed to decide my life and the life of someone else. Although I had grown up with parents who had taught me to love and fear Jehovah, my life was spiralling out of  control. I was married to a monkey and when he did the monkey dance I had to bounce. I had successfully dodged what I now would've been a tragic affair, just to fall into a tragedy of another kind. Oh how at the moment my life seemed to go silent as if it were on pause. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I wished I couldve said I was in love and this life I was carrying was a reflection of that... I wished I couldve said he was in to me. Unfortunately the reality was more complex than that. You see I was married and having no prior experience I believed him when he told me that there was something wrong with me as to why I hadn't enjoyed our physical relationship. He hurt me, the details of that pain are just too much to even recall... But the most disappointing thing was that I saved myself for him. STINKING JERK! Any who, when our relationship came to an end I HURT and confused. I didn't understand why my body had failed me. What was wrong with me? Then this guy that I knew from years ago comes. I wanted to know what everyone was losing their minds about. I wanted to know what it really felt like. And this guy was always nice to me, and he was FINE so I ignored the home training I had and I touched him. Although it wasn't like in the movies where sirens were blaring etc. I started to understand. Instead of feeling bad about my connection, I felt validated as a woman. I was hooked, and my conscience hadn't kicked in. Never did I stop and ask what if I got pregnant from this, I was hooked on a feeling. Right about then I started developing friendships with people who had the same home training as I, and then my conscience started to kick in. Although I had developed feeling for this man, I knew they weren't returned so it didn't make me feel bad not to talk to him. The first week past and I thought, "Wow! This is easier than I thought". Half way through week two I realized aunt Flo had not come for a visit. My heart sunk, but what could I do. I remember there was a Formal Party in San Jose that Saturday. I couldn't tell anyone, no one even knew about my secret sin. I couldn't shake my sadness. Jasmine unknowing of what was wrong with me, kept making me dance with her husband in an attempt to pull me out of my funk. But all I could think about were the friendships I had FINALLY developed that I would now have to abandon and I cried internally. That Tuesday directly after work I went to Planned Parenthood and they confirmed my thought. I couldn't believe it. It was like the world stopped spinning if only for that brief moment when I uttered the most generic, "No, I'm going to keep my baby". It didn't even sound right coming out of my mouth. I tell you I still shudder at the thought of those words coming out of my mouth. I drove home in a daze, and I immediately tried to call him. Well I guess just about the time I was done with him he was done with me, because now he wasn't returning my calls. By that Thursday I had had enough. I wrote him a letter, and then late at night I drove to his house and left it on his door. In the letter I asked in the end if he wanted to be in the child's life or not. I gave him the choice, I knew our situation was not ideal, and I wasn't going to make him stick around if he didn't want to. Now I wasn't expecting elation, or joy, but maybe an equal share of the responsibility of what had been done. Then next day I received a very ANGRY phone call. :o( He said there was nothing else to discuss with me. He didn't know whether he was in or out. When I got home my cousin told me about the conversation she had had with him and how he tried to accuse me of doing this on purpose. Thank goodness she had my back and assured him that I wouldn't do that. He told her to tell me to call, but feeling beat down and exhausted I didn't call. When I got home the following evening he had called again and asked for my return call again. When I called him he told me that he had waited by the phone the night before. This time he was a lot calmer when he spoke to me. That's when he told me about his girlfriend... my heart sank, but it was too late. He told me if I needed anything to call him, but he needed time to think. So we didn't speak for weeks. Then I had my first doctor's appointment. I prayed on it and decided that I would tell him about the progress of the pregnancy and he could do with it what he pleased. He kind of sounded happy to hear from me which was confusing. Then he asked if we could meet, and we did. He had just told his girlfriend about our seed, and they had gotten into a fight and he had the busted lip to prove it. He told me he didn't want to be intimate with anyone but her, which was fine by me... but it still hurt me. Well the next appointment rolled around and his tune changed. I asked him why it changed and he explained, it wasn't a good explanation, but I desperately needed companionship so I was willing to take it in any shape that he was willing to give it to me. Those moments turned into minutes, into hours, into days, into weeks, into months, and finally into years. I wasted years of my life and self esteem stuck in the moment they told me I was pregnant, and caring about that man more than myself. I didn't want to have a child in this system of things! I deserved to have someone excited and honored that I carried them for nine months. I deserved to be told how wonderful of a mother I am to their seed! I deserve to be loved and cared for! I deserve a lot more than I got. Yes, I was a dumb kid and I handle my internal conflicts wrong... isn't that what young idiots do? But it's taken me twelve years to truly understand that I deserve more than what I got. Still dont wanna have anymore kids in this system of things, but I look forward to reproducing at a time when the delivery wont almost kill me. I mean that literally! I almost died on that table behind who didn't even know me. As the years rolled by he began to see me, but never appreciate me in the manner I deserve. I've been done with trying to convince him that I was worth loving. Meanwhile I passed up opportunities to be loved for me, because I wanted him.... So here I sit overweight and just beaten down in spirit. It took six years for me to pull away from him physically, and another three years to pull away mentally. And the past year and a half I've been trying to find the me I left behind a LONG time ago. The me that spoke assertively. The me that would never punish herself for someone else's stupidity. My child deserves to know me. My child deserves to know that they are important enough to me that I am willing to give up ice cream to be with them. If you know me you know how important ice cream is to me. I plan to Parent!